newlywed marriage issue

hadassah · Newbie Joined: 24 Jul 2006 Posts: 9

My husband and I have been married for 3 months we are fairly young 24 years of age. Problem is I broght my husband a cat becuase he's been hounding me for one for months prior to the marriage and during. I am scared of cats even since childhood. anyway I cant get used to the cat and am really afraid more than i ever thought i'd be. i have anxiety attckes, chest pain, etc. my husband says i am not trying and gets mad at me because i cannot be free in my house like go to kitchen or bathroom, etc if the cat is there. In the beginning he said he would move the cat for me the other day he told me he was not going to move it because i am not trying and i need to face my fear. This hurt me because I am really afraid and I had to use the bathroom and my husband refused to move the cat out the way. i have tried to be around the cat a few times but each time i have an anxiety attack. I even started going to a therapist for cat phobias because i know how much he loves the cat. but i got rid of it today because i cant keep relying on him to move about my house and he refuse. he was mad that i wanted to take it back and told me to do whatever now he is not talking to me and is in another room for the whole day and says he is going to an unhappy husband because i really hurt him
what should i do

webacus · Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 5:00 pm Post subject:

Let's see... do I want a cat, or a marriage?...

My first impression? Your husband needs to grow up.

• What kind of marriage preparation did you guys have?
Counseling? Mentoring? etc.

hadassah · Newbie Joined: 24 Jul 2006 Posts: 9

we had premarital counseling with our Pastor

hadassah · Newbie Joined: 24 Jul 2006 Posts: 9

should i say anything to him. he says that i am being selfish and i dont want him to be this angry with me. i am really tryin to be a good wife i have my faults of course but this is just like why is he doing this to me

webacus · Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 5:12 pm Post subject:

During those sessions, did your pastor raise any
"red flags", things that might cause future issues for you?
Such as: communication, conflict resolution,
personal issues, expectations, etc.

What I'm getting at is, I'm guessing you have (or will)
experience more stuff like this.

It might be a good idea for both of you to schedule
a few counseling sessions and focus on those areas.

If anything, a third party could help your husband understand
how you feel; how not to ignore your feelings; how to
listen to you, etc.

How would your husband feel about that?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

Who comes first in his life, you or the cat?

Honestly, he's not behaving like a God honoring servant husband. This means putting your needs above his own. Yes, you come first before anything else he desires. Sometimes it takes guys awhile to figure this one out.

Your needs, your fears and your concerns need to be his number one thing to protect and nuture - not a cat. And... I am a cat lover.

I'll recommend a book for you to get him - it's called "Every Man's Marriage" by Stephen Arterburn.

Maybe consider a chinchilla or another pet that you would both enjoy.
The decision needs to be mutual, not one sided.

Personally, I'm glad you took the cat and gave it back. This was not a good way for him to build trust and companionship with you. And... it does not show a great deal of maturity on his part.

hadassah · Newbie Joined: 24 Jul 2006 Posts: 9

I told him we should go and speak with our Pastor or ministers in our church over the marriage department and he said no

hadassah · Newbie Joined: 24 Jul 2006 Posts: 9

i said that we need to have a mutual outside person help us with this and not only that but learning how to listen to each other and understand. He apologized for giving me an ultimatum for using the restroom but i honestly felt it would happen again so i took it back

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 314 Location: In Prayer

OK - the selfish person here is not you, it's your husband. Looks like he's not going to get a lot of support here. And... Webacus is a guy.
Like, yeah buddy good job -picked the cat over your wife - way to go!

So, print off copies of these responses and hand them over to him.
Somebody needs to slap him and wake him up.

Lock himself in a room because he's mad at you??

Honey, you need to go back to a marriage counselor for a tune-up and some advice on growing your communication skills together.

Your marriage will be a journey... and this is one of those silly journeys you will look back on later and laugh about. But for now, there are some serious things showing up here, that if not dealt with, have the potential to keep resurfacing in other areas of your marriage down the road.

Not good.

webacus · Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 5:23 pm Post subject:

hadassah · Newbie Joined: 24 Jul 2006 Posts: 9

my husband would totally disagree with me posting a forum

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 314 Location: In Prayer

If he's unwilling to seek some outside help on this issue, what's it going to be like with a more serious issue?

If he's a wise man, he will seek outside counsel from your pastor. If he's going to be stubborn, then make an appointment and go yourself. You may become wiser with some skills and advice from your pastor.

hadassah · Newbie Joined: 24 Jul 2006 Posts: 9

You know what God is a restorer and I believe He will bring peace in this situation its just hard to fight over something so simple. I am even willing to get a small dog to compromise, but its him and this cat. His cat recently died about 5 months ago that hes had for 11 years so he really wanted another one. he says i have ripped something so dear away from him. how do i deal with that

hadassah · Newbie Joined: 24 Jul 2006 Posts: 9

do you really think i should show him these replies

webacus · Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 5:38 pm Post subject:

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