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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 2170
Location: Chicago
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 Posted: Thu Jun 06, 2002 8:41 am Post subject: |
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My husband and I were not Christians when we married. I became one about 10 years into our marriage and it took another 2 years after that before my husband became one. So I look at this time as God having called me to be the "spiritual leader" of our home. I think the spiritual development of a home needs to be equally shared by both husband and wife. Going back the word "head" means to give respect. It is hard to "respect" a man who does not love God with the same passion and strength as the wife.
All I can tell you from my own experience is "It was not fun!" It was a day to day battle to keep myself grounded and growing in Christ and to continue to show my husband grace.
If the Lord were to take my husband to be with Him now, and I were to consider remarrying, I would never consider marrying someone who is not grounded and mature in his relationship with God. I have been through the struggle of loving a man who did not love God with the same passion and strength I did. It is extremely painful.
I am blessed now that the Lord gave my husband the gift of Evangelism. Funny how He works! He now has a passion for lost people who do not know God and can share the gospel message with people in amazing ways. It took a long time for us to get to where we are now.
I believe many men do not have a concept of what God means by being the "head" of the home. They have not experienced it, they have not seen it modeled by their fathers and they do not have other Christian men around them to encourage them to grow in this area.
Lets go back to Ephesians 5:22-33 which are the verses many bring up. Verse 25 is pretty clear about the man "giving himself up for her just as Christ gave himself up for the church". Paul shows that this is not a one sided submission but a reciprocal relationship. It is also an example of how the husband ought to devote himself to his wife's good. Is your husband willing to give himself up for you and for Christ? Is he willing to give up his own desires, wants and needs to serve you and your children? What about serving God?
These are questions that have to be asked. If you are not getting clear answers, if he is not sure he can do this, then
give him the time needed before walking down the aisle. Is there a men's Bible study or group that he can participate in for awhile where there are more mature men in Christ that can guide him in this direction?
If a man is not putting God first, then I have to question what is he putting first? Himself? His own needs? His own wants?
| Quote: | | You cannot trust a man to head your house & raise your kids who will not put God first, even over you. |
Janine, well said! |
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kelly
Full Member
Joined: 03 Mar 2002
Posts: 232
Location: Long Island, NY
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| Posted: Thu Jun 06, 2002 10:45 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | If a man is not putting God first, then I have to question what is he putting first? Himself? His own needs? His own wants?
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As to your question about whether or not the man should be ready to be head of the house right away, well, yes he should. No man is ready 100% as it is a role they have never been in before, but ready is the key word. Your boyfriend doesn't sound like he is ready to take on that role. It is essential that Christ is first and it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is there yet. What does he put first? Even if it is you, that isn't good enough (sorry!). He needs to be strong enough to know what is best for you and your family, and that is God! The order in the house needs to be that way or else there are too many distractions. Your walk will suffer if he isn't doing his part. Read the post above about how hard it was to be the only believer in the house. What a weight to carry! What a battle! We have a Christian home, but even my husband went through a time where he was slacking and we all suffered. Our attendence at church waned, prayer time became almost non-existant, I became frustrated and it even caused fights!
There are times when the woman is the encourager, the "leader", but this isn't the way it is meant to be and it is a very difficult responsibility for us to take on. God designed this position for the man for a reason. The husband is accountable for his family ("Christ is the head of the man as the man is head of the woman" Eph 5:23). It is our duty to be a "helper" (Gen 2:1 , and somtimes that means to quietly lead and encourage our husband for a time here and there, but ultimately he needs to be the one keeping order.
If your boyfriend hasn't yet made a decision to put the Lord first, my advice would be in a greement with the last post...wait. He doesn't have to be perfect, but his priorities need to be straight. After putting Jesus first everything else will follow. He'll learn to be a good husband and leader and you will learn to be a good wife and helper. After that may come kids and the both of you will be able to raise them up in the way they should go!
Are you just settling right now? Is it possible God doesn't have this guy for you? Or maybe it just isn't His time even though you may want it to be your time...Keep praying for your boyfriend, and for yourself to see God's plan for you. :inlove: |
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danielle
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Joined: 19 Apr 2002
Posts: 232
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| Posted: Thu Jun 06, 2002 11:09 am Post subject: |
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SAM:
Excellent advice & wisdom. I can see & understand how that would be very painful in a marriage. I have a passionate love for Christ right now, but my bf doesn't share the same fire as I do at this point in his life & walk. I realize people grow at different rates spiritually as well, and you can't expect to be at the same place at the same time.
Exactly how long DID it take for you to get where you are now? And when did you husband develop his gift? |
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danielle
Full Member
Joined: 19 Apr 2002
Posts: 232
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| Posted: Thu Jun 06, 2002 11:22 am Post subject: |
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Hi Kelly:
In response to your post, here's my feedback:
"What does he put first? Even if it is you, that isn't good enough (sorry!. He needs to be strong enough to know what is best for you and your family, and that is God!"
I couldn't agree with you more! I agree wholeheartedly. He has openly admitted that himself has been 1st whenever I asked, and right now he says himself & God are tied. I strongly need someone to love Christ MORE than me before I can marry. No exceptions.
"Are you just settling right now? Is it possible God doesn't have this guy for you? Or maybe it just isn't His time even though you may want it to be your time...Keep praying for your boyfriend, and for yourself to see God's plan for you."
Actually I do feel there was a time where I was settling. Right now we are giving each other some space to both identify what we need in a marriage, evaluate expectations, and just do some individual soul-searching and growth. I've asked God to show me if he is the one, and if not to remove feelings that I have and prepare me, etc. God as showed me alot though. I began using prayers from "The power of a praying wife" and God showed me things that I need to develop in my own walk, as he does when we intercede for others. I've also grown so much spiritually through this experience. Proper timing is definitely key! I've felt for a long time now that it isn't "our time" yet. Wait, wait, wait, is what I've been doing definitely. I want to make sure I marry within God's timing and not mine.
At times I really do think we are meant to marry because of how we balance & complement each other; other times I wonder if we are too different and want different things.
In a previous relationship, I WAS dating someone who had a strong love for the Lord, BUT we didn't seem to have anything else in common besides the spiritual. We were very different people in many ways.
It's funny, I've heard that us Christian women can be seen as "wanting too much." But I really think we only want what God wants, and He definitely requires much, as much is given as well.
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kelly
Full Member
Joined: 03 Mar 2002
Posts: 232
Location: Long Island, NY
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| Posted: Thu Jun 06, 2002 11:38 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | It's funny, I've heard that us Christian women can be seen as "wanting too much." But I really think we only want what God wants, and He definitely requires much, as much is given as well.
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It sounds like you know exactly what you are doing and you are doing it God's way! Go you! You will be blessed with the right man at the right time (be it your current bf or not), as I am sure God is well pleased with your heart condition and actions. You are doing it better than some and your future marraige (to whomever it may be) will be an annointed one! Keep it up! The patience, prayers, and obedience will pay off. As far as wanting too much, I believe God puts in our hearts exactly what He wants there for us to find the right person and do the right thing. When I found my husband, he was nearly perfect in my eyes. This is not to say he is perfect, but no other man could EVER compare to him in my eyes, even with his faults and at his worst. I believe God does this on purpose. My husband fits everything I ever wanted in a man (with a few human shortcomings). I couldn't have made a more perfect husband for myself! God has someone preparing for you, it may be your bf in progress, or it may be someone else who will come to you in God's timing. In any case, don't change your expectations b/c you are being deceived into thinking it is too much, God has in you exactly what He wants as long as you are following Him and it is for a reason! You will be given the gift (and it is a gift) of the "perfect" husband in God's time, and you will be amazed at how "perfect" he is as God doesn't make junk and He wants the best for you! :inlove: |
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danielle
Full Member
Joined: 19 Apr 2002
Posts: 232
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| Posted: Thu Jun 06, 2002 11:48 am Post subject: |
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Kelly,
Couldn't agree with you more. It will be very painful if a breakup is necessary (we've known each other for about 10 yrs), but I know that ultimately God knows best.
What I don't get is why my previous bf *seemed* like "the one", but we didn't work out. I mean he had alot of the qualities I wanted in a husband and they were just so natural to him, but we were on different pages all the time. The relationship had no longjevity. That leaves me to wonder if God sometimes puts people in your life for only a season, with a specific reason. I think this person set the standard for what I need to keep in mind for my future husband.... |
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kelly
Full Member
Joined: 03 Mar 2002
Posts: 232
Location: Long Island, NY
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| Posted: Thu Jun 06, 2002 11:59 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | I think this person set the standard for what I need to keep in mind for my future husband....
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I agree! I also have has people in my life and I wondered why they were there. Looking back I can see how they helped me in some way. Some of those relationships hurt, but I learned something. Sometimes God puts them in our life for a reason, sometimes this imperfect world just throws them into our life, but God takes the situation and turns it for His glory and to help you. You have such an awesome outlook on your life and the situations you are in. God bless!
Be sure to keep us posted on what is going in with your bf. Aren't you in counseling with him? How is that going? Post the counseling news in pre-marraige, it may help somone else  . |
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danielle
Full Member
Joined: 19 Apr 2002
Posts: 232
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| Posted: Thu Jun 06, 2002 12:05 pm Post subject: |
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Hey again Kelly:
God definitely works in mysterious ways!
Thanks so much, and I will keep everyone posted.
Yes, we are in the middle of pre-pre marital counseling and have had one session thus far. It went well (eventhough I left with a headache) and I'm looking forward to the next sessions.
Keep us in your prayers! |
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Blessed3x
Newbie
Joined: 02 Jun 2002
Posts: 8
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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| Posted: Thu Jun 06, 2002 2:46 pm Post subject: |
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I remember the 8 weeks of pre-marital counseling that we took. For the first couple of weeks, I felt like I didn't want to get married to my dh or anyone else for that matter. There is much more than just the physical and lovey dovey part of marriage. The counselors made sure that they taught us that. It opened our eyes in many ways and made us think very seriously to be absolutely sure that we were making the right decision.
The first lesson? Covenant between man and God and between a couple and God. Awesome!
Candice |
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danielle
Full Member
Joined: 19 Apr 2002
Posts: 232
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| Posted: Thu Jun 06, 2002 7:34 pm Post subject: |
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Candice:
Too funny, I know what you mean. What was running through my head was "here comes the bride?????"
Sounds like you had an awesome first lesson! |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 2170
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Fri Jun 07, 2002 8:09 am Post subject: |
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Have any of you heard of the marriage evaluation testing called "Prepare"? I know many churches are starting to use this resource to evaluate where couples are at. It looks at
marriage expectations (idealistic distortion), finances, personality traits, communication, conflict resolution, leisures activities, couple relationship and family of origin.
It is a great tool. If you can go to a church that offers this type of resource along with several weeks (6- of marriage counseling or classes, the odds for success increase substantially. Walking down the aisle with no preparation or evaluation of your relationship, is setting yourself up for failure. |
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danielle
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Joined: 19 Apr 2002
Posts: 232
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| Posted: Fri Jun 07, 2002 8:42 am Post subject: |
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Hi Sam:
I'm not sure what the name of the test my church uses exactly but it sounds similar. The pastor said he will administer this to us AFTER we decide what we are going to do, meaning after we've decided to become engaged I guess. They have about 6 sessions. |
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Dee
Newbie
Joined: 05 Jun 2002
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Fri Jun 07, 2002 10:03 am Post subject: |
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Hi Danielle and everyone,
I'm new to this board, been here maybe a week. Hope I haven't caused to much of an uproar in that time. ha!
I've been married for 15 years to a Christian man, who tends to put himself first in all of our lives. I also have two daughters, 13 and 11 who are both Christians.
Just wanted to share Danielle, that the Christian therapist I go to suggested the book you are talking about "The Power of a Praying Wife" She hadn't read it but had heard it was good. I must admit, I felt a little beat up reading that book I've always had an idea of what God required out of marriage, but that book did help me to understand it just a little better. However, being in a somewhat abuse marriage relationship right now, I didn't need to feel more beat up.
I wanted to suggest another book that I am reading that really takes an indepth look at what God has to say about a husband and wife relationship, but also how men think and reacts. It's called, "What Makes a Man Feel Loved" It's a lot like Stormie's book, but I think it gives us so much more. It's written by Bab Barnes, so it's coming from a man's prespective which is really what I wanted to hear. There are so many examples and so much of God's teaching and wisdom in that book. I HIGHLY recommend this book to everyone.
Dee |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 2170
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Fri Jun 07, 2002 11:08 am Post subject: |
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Welcome Dee! Glad to have you with us. Thanks for the information.
I have found that honoring my husband and giving him the respect God wants me to give him has made a tremendous difference in our relationship.
That does not mean lay down and play dead to everyone of his whims and requests. For me it means, listening and hearing God speak through him. It means sometimes, not often, that I have to take my own opinions out of the picture to follow his direction and lead.
When I choose not to, that is when conflict arises. God has not lead me in the wrong direction on this, but has shown me
clearly where He wants our relationship to be and that He does give my husband wisdom if I am willing to listen to it. |
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danielle
Full Member
Joined: 19 Apr 2002
Posts: 232
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| Posted: Fri Jun 07, 2002 12:01 pm Post subject: |
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Welcome Dee!
Thanks for sharing that book suggestion. I will definitely look into it. Look forward to seeing more posts from you! |
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