Need help overcoming poor self image due to finding porn.

redlands59 · Newbie Joined: 20 Aug 2008 Posts: 10

Ok, I had my husbands' Yahoo email address and went into his email and found a photo of a flight attendant, topless. He works for an airline co and a "friend" sent this to him and it happened to be saved onto his computer.The friend said in the email that "I thought you'd like this."
He was baptized into Christianity 3 years ago, although he does not seem to maintain an active interest in reading the Bible or gravitating to Christian literature, music, etc, without my offer to engage in these things. We go to church, but sometimes I think if I didn't promote it, we wouldn't go. He says he didn't know the photo was there or he didn't see it. And, that he's not that way. He did change his email password and says that he's always learned to keep email passwords, private. I have a red flag in me, and I don't feel the same, as in, confidence, and self image that I did, before I found this out. I am hyper-aware of immodestly dressed females around us and begin to feel that he should be with someone else that looks more like the flight attendant. I don't think of him as the guy I thought I married, a Christ-focused, stand out from the crowd, kind of man. My first marriage of 14 yrs and 2 kids was destroyed due to porn. How do I get back to trusting him like I did before and how do I erase the image of the photo I saw, out of my mind? It has really crippled me, in terms of believing that he may have some kind of hidden life, accepting this stuff his friends might send. My Christian cousin says that I need to get this out of my mind before the marriage is ruined. With the depth of this wound, from the past, beginning with finding my dad's porn mag at 12 yrs old, to the men that have been in my life....what do I do?!

km · Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 10:28 am Post subject:

Well, your husband - knowing that about the demise of your first marriage - ought to be a little extra sensitive about the issue. And his keeping the password private might be a way to stop you from seeing another picture sent to him (he can't totally control what is sent to him by other people).

You ought to keep in mind that this guy isn't your first husband - he may not have a porn problem. The vast majority of American men get at least some exposure to some porn just by living in our current culture. A single photo of a topless woman is not cause for alarm as to him. I don't think it would be possible for me to avoid seeing an occaisonal topless picture (and worse) here in the large urban area I live and work in.

You should also be aware that in his mind the fact that there are immodestly dressed women running around - or even nude photos circulating - doesn't necessarily reflect badly on you. We are perfectly capable of being satisfied with a wife who doesn't look like the women in the magazines (and most of us fully understand that the women in the magazines don't look like that outside of the magazine either - the 12 person make up, lighting and Photoshop retouching crew isn't there just due to union rules - I've met some professional models and pin up girls who are fairly plain looking without all the photo shoot and Photoshop magic tricks). My wife never looked like a pin up girl. I loved her throuhg all of her physical swings - at 110 pounds and at 200 pounds and all points in between. She has always had significant problems regarding how she looks, I really haven't had any such problems (other than having to deal with her being uphappy with them).

j3anjean · Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 10:53 am Post subject:

My husband has never had an issue with pornography. I know a lot of the women on this forum have dealt with the fallout from their husband's pornography addictions. I can say that my husband gets a LOT of email - a lot of work related stuff, a lot of jokes and forwards and pictures. Some of the pictures and jokes are inappropriate and when he sees that - he ignores them or deletes them. km does have a point. In the world we live in he would have to be completely blind not to see scantily dressed women in public or on TV. What matters is what your husband does with it-does he obsess over it, seek after it. Does he note that it is there and have no interest?

Women on tv, movies, magazine and the internet are NOT REAL. You are and he chose you and married you. Be careful not to let the sins of your first husband weigh on the shoulders of your second.

redlands59 · Newbie Joined: 20 Aug 2008 Posts: 10

Wow, thank you all so much for your responses. I had been checking back to see if there were any! I suppose my comparison of myself to the other immodest females had me feeling somewhat entrenched in the world, which is not Godly. I guess it's hard for Christian women to weed through all the immodest muck today and keep her eyes focused on above. Let alone guys! I guess a show is a show, for both sexes! I have read books on sexual impurity that talks about "bouncing the eyes" away from this type of thing. I do see it getting worse all the time. I'm in the Seattle area where they have "sexpresso" stands for drive-thru coffee stands, where young girls wear bikinis or pasties and underwear. There are animal rights activists that cage themselves with body paint, pasties and underwear to protest on city street corners. There are 92 out of 100 people here that are non-Chrisitian. I have been here 3 yrs and have yet to find gal pals of the Christian perswasion to hang with or be friends with. That doesn't help, for sure. I have looked for Christian meet-ups, to no avail! All to say, this cosmopolitin area isn't my first choice to live in, but my husband has many more yrs until retirement and this is where I must reside. Thank you again for your responses!

km · Posted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 9:08 am Post subject:

I spent some time in Seattle when my neice lived there. It is indeed a very non-Christian area - but there is a small contingent of very strong Christians through the Pacific Northwest.

If you look, you should be able to find others there living solid Christian lived in the midst of the Gomorrah-like surroundings.

A wife doesn't have to be a fashion model or porn star to satisfy most husbands.

redlands59 · Newbie Joined: 20 Aug 2008 Posts: 10

Nice to have the validation of Seattle that I feel to be true. Yes, a wife can be of Godly virtue and maintain a good and satisfying marriage. (Proverbs 31) Thanks for your encouragement! Any ideas on where to find some Chrisitan groups to find some friendships, I guess, other than church, which seems to have alot of young people and young families?
Seems to be quite the struggle! Rolling Eyes

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

You can always start your own women's study or bible study in your neighborhood. Maybe there are other people from church who live near you who would be interested.

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 192 Location: PA

Hi, just wanted to chim in. My husband was addicted to porn, with extensive counseling and attending Every Mans Battle & Every Heart Restored and the most important, he admitting it.
But I have to agree it is only one picture thats been found, but hiding the password is the "red flag" you were talking about. If he isn't hiding anything at all he should let you in his e-mail when ever you want. Yes there is "porn" all over the place now adays. One of our agreements is all the cable channels are parentally controlled (except PBS) and he doesn't have a home e-mail account any longer only work one that has a "control" on it. We went through XXXCHURCH.ORG and got their program (free) where it sends a questionable website to their "accountibilty" person. Praying your husband will come through with flying colors and see the Blessing he has in you and not ever want to hurt you again like he has, even though they (most guys) see nothing wrong with it.

holdinon · Newbie Joined: 04 Sep 2008 Posts: 1

HI!!
I TOTALLY agree with "wifeandmother"!!! I, too, am in the midst of marriage that's trying to recover from my husband's porn addiction-he lost his career of 28 years over inappropriate internet use while at work!! Reading Every Mans Battle, Every Heart Restored, Every Man's Marriage, and The Healing Choice are my top suggestions. The hardest thing to conquer is the feeling that we, as wives, somehow aren't good enough or that it's something we did or didn't do to cause it! Trust your instincts and your inner voice that the HOLY SPIRIT gives you!!!

km · Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 12:05 pm Post subject:

I would not ever say that wives cause a husband's porn addiction, and once one has taken hold, it will run on its own fuel with little regard to what a wife does or doesn't do.

I would say that many men are potentially susceptable to becoming addicted to porn, and a wife can be a big part of avoiding one taking root.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

km · Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 8:18 am Post subject:

SAM - To expand on my earlier comments, as you asked:

Men are sexual creatures who are wired (for lack of a better term) to respond to visual stimulus. We also (from what I can tell from being around my fellow men for almost half a century) appear to be wired and/or socialized to crave a wider variety of sexual stimulation. This leads to issues with our women (I do not know a single man who hasn't had some issues along this line with his wife).

Women who treat their men's inherent nature as somehow egregiously disgusting and undertake a mission to turn/suppress his sexuality into something identical to hers will make for an environment where he is unable to communicate openly about his wants/desires/struggles. They won't go away, but he will lose his best chance to have a good partner/helper in channeling things to a reasonable accomodation with her and avoidng the porn snare.

A women who seeks to understand that her man is different than her in some regards and works to reach an accomodation that meets in the middle and keep him in a position where he is able to communicate openly makes it less likely that he will be pulled into trying to deal with his inherent desires suruptitiously through porn. It isn't a guarantee that he will avoid such trouble, but his wife should be his strongest ally in all of life's battles and if she isn't in this one it makes failure more likely.

I suppose that there is a similar process occurring with women getting into porn, but can't say that I have enough of a sense of the phenomenon to really venture a good guess.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 391 Location: NJ

km,

well said

each man is accountable for his behavior, but it is a lot more difficult if one's spouse has the attitude that men are disgusting pigs.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

Thanks, I am always interested in knowing your thoughts. I don't personally feel men are disgusting pigs. We need to celebrate our differences, as God made us.

There is a problem in justifying porn as an excuse to go to when one doesn't get any today, or this week. In other words, there could be illness or that time of the month, an ill child, parent, etc. There is understandable exhaustion. Then selfishness takes over, because we demand our own way in intimacy - knowing the exhausted state of our spouse. That's pure selfishness. But, when this is a continual ongoing cycle of exhaustion, we need to see what we can do to help eleviate this burden from our spouse and provide the help we can to refresh them.

I've been asked to speak at a Mom's group in my area this month. This discussion is part of my topic for the group.

One thing I am troubled by is, I frequently hear from both sides of the equation - men and women - whose spouse refuses to be intimate. Guys, many women complain about their husbands too.

In a Christian marriage, I simply don't get how it is continually OK to refuse intimacy. How it is "justified". This creates spiritual sickness in marriage. There is scripture that warns against this -
1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

You might as well open the front door and invite temptation right in. Welcome, have at it. Have a seat. Once a month, once every couple of months, or once a year for intimacy is simply not acceptable. Just because we're Christians and promised to remain faithful, is a lame excuse. It's not working.

I find it interesting that we struggle with purity before marriage, and it's not a problem after marriage. Very Happy

Has anyone read The 5 Sex Needs of Men & Women by the Rosbergs? They also wrote Guard Your Heart.

km · Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 12:10 pm Post subject:

If there is a reason on a particular day (or week) that intimacy just isn't there - someone is sick, the kid(s) are sick, one has just worked several days of double shifts at work - that is understandable. One has to have a lot of give to go with one's take in a relationship.

A couple of decades of 'don't touch me' or intimacy being solely to one person's script and never to the others is a killer.

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