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FaithFullyLiving
Newbie
Joined: 09 Jul 2007
Posts: 13
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 Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 5:02 pm Post subject: Need advice on "marriage bound by God" |
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I know I am not legally married... but "still married in Gods eyes"????
Please read my story and help me with what I can do???
I was married in 2001 and have 2 children (3 and 5). My husband and I had a really bad time of it. We argued all the time. Looking back on it... We both did our jobs.... I did the housewife stuff and he did the providing .... but neither of us ever gave each other the emotional or spiritual needs the other needed. I never felt I could count on him or that he was ever really "there" for me. He felt the same. It all fell apart in 2006 and we had the worse divorce/custody battle you could imagine. It tore us both up. I did get custody and the divorce was final in Jan 07.
I never wanted the divorce. I begged and pleaded to allow us to separate and work it out. He pushed the divorce. We are both believers and followers of Christ... and I couldn't see how he could justify divorceing me and still feel right with God. He just said "God wanted him to divorce me".
Both of us have been surrounded by cloud of anger and hurt. I have spent the past year trying to heal myself. I've taking courses, seen counselors and I have finally came to the the "understanding" and feel at peace with what happened. During this time, I really just kept my distance and only dealt with him when I had to drop or pick up kids or divorce stuff. Other the that I had no contact.
About a couple weeks ago, I started thinking what do I do now? I wonder if he moved on... found someone else? At this point, there has been no reason to believe he has someone else. I also have dated or been with no one. So, I called and talked to him.... told him where I was in my mind and wanted to know if he had "moved on" physically with anyone. He said, "No, I've been with no one. That divorce paper is just a piece of paper, it means nothing".
After talking... over the past week. He and I both feel that we are "bound" to one another through God... We did not have a "Scriptual divorce". He said though, he can not EVER see us getting back together (living together as a married couple) and he wasn't going to even give it a try or do anything that might get us in that direction. He won't even see me in person to talk... he says I confuse him... make him do things he doesn't want to do. I also can't see me back with him in that house as a couple again. There has jsut been so much pain and hurt. I think about it and it's like a black cloud comes over my heart and it's like a nightmare I can't go back to. I know I still love him and he said "I'll always have love for you".
So what are we to do? We are not even considered "friends" at this point. We have two kids who love us and still atleast twice a month, ask me if we are going to get to live together. It's so sad.
I really don't want to be "bound" to some for the rest of my life that I can't even be friends with. I also want to do what GOD wants... My "walk with God" will always come first.
What do I do????????? |
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SAM
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Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1950
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 5:58 pm Post subject: |
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As a follower of Christ you are to reconcile to someone as to the best of your ability. That means going to this person and "owning" your part in the breakdown, apologizing for hurting this person and asking them to forgive you.
If their heart is still hard, if they still carry anger and so on...
you can do no more. You have done your part of what God has asked you to do. At this point, you are released by the Lord.
If you have not done that with your ex-husband, then ask him if you can see him. If he refuses, then write him a letter. But, whatever you do, do your part to reconcile - then it is up to him.
Lastly, someone cannot go through a divorce and not have it deeply affect them. I would encourage you to seek counseling or go through divorce recovery classes. They are offered at many churches. Work through your woundedness and junk that brought you to this place, so that it doesn't get passed on to your children or a future relationship. Because, it the issues don't get dealt with - they will resurface.
Last edited by SAM on Tue Jul 10, 2007 5:46 am; edited 2 times in total |
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goodvieau
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Joined: 20 Jun 2007
Posts: 17
Location: So. Cal.
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| Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 9:04 pm Post subject: |
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| Sam, that is very good advice. I will use it myself sometime. I will also pray that it helps Faith. |
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FaithFullyLiving
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Joined: 09 Jul 2007
Posts: 13
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| Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 12:24 pm Post subject: |
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Sam... I've spent about a year taking courses, seen 2 different counselors and have "dealt" with all the issues. Which I said in my first post and why I am where I am now. I don't know if he is anywhere NEAR healed as I am.....
I have asked for Gods forgiveness and have gotten it. I have asked my ex for his forgiveness and have gotten it.
But... my question is... since we both have no trust in the other and it's so hard to even "think" about going "back" to that place.... it doesn't seem possible to ever "get back together"....
I guess I would be willing to start getting to know each other again and try to become friends and see what happens from there.
But as he said... "I believe God can do miracles, but I can't EVER imagine us living together as a couple again and I'm not going to do anything that might lead us in that direction." - i.e. become friends, see each other, etc.
So, I just want suggestions on what as a Christian women in this position, what are some things I CAN do, if ANY, to help this situation. |
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rdsmith3
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Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 313
Location: NJ
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SAM
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Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1950
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 1:16 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | I don't know if he is anywhere NEAR healed as I am..... |
Then you've taken a lot of steps that you need to toward healing.
Question is: Has he done the same??
If not, then that could very well be why he's giving you the responses he is giving you.
Also, you may want more out of this relationship than he's willing to give.
Perhaps, the first step is getting to a place of mutual respect - friendship doesn't even enter the picture. But, being able to speak to each other without anger, or words that cut down each other, might be your first step.
Also, being able to speak well of each other to your child.
This was a person you love. This is the father of your child. It's not unusual to feel this way. Maybe you are still experiencing the grieving of this relationship.
As for having him be your friend, or you being in his life again, he's pretty much telling you that can't happen - at least right now. So, pray. Pray for restoration and reconciliation. Ask God for his wisdom over this situation. He's more than willing to give it. Although, His timing may be very different from yours. 
Lastly, there is always hope. As long as neither of your remarries, there is hope.
Maybe the pain is still too fresh for him. With the passing of more time, things may change.
There is a great saying -
Lord, grant me patience. Lord, I want it right now! |
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FaithFullyLiving
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Joined: 09 Jul 2007
Posts: 13
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| Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 1:31 pm Post subject: |
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rdsmith3 -
OK - I have forgiven him. I also have a complete understanding of why and how it happened and even believe God had a hand in it.
I have spent the last year, as I said "healing" and "dealing" and I did this through my "spiritual walk" with Christ. I will continue to focus on the Lord and his will. |
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FaithFullyLiving
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Joined: 09 Jul 2007
Posts: 13
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| Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 1:40 pm Post subject: |
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SAM - I want you to know that neither of us speak ill of the other in front of the kids... we both are very careful to make them understand that we both love them and that they still have a mommy and daddy.
I know they all pray for me at bed time together (the kids tell me), we do the same. I have pictures of their dad hung in their room. We we pick up or drop off kids, we are very nice to each other and play with the kids a little. He'll show me pictures or give me stuff they made, etc.
I don't think that is the problem at this point.
Since this all started to come to me not even 2 weeks ago and I sprung it on him out of the blue... after not really "talking" for a year... I'm sure it is a Shock to the system to him.... I would imagine it would take some time for stuff to sink in and for him to pray about it...
I guess I was just wondering ..... maybe if you were in his shoes.... in this situation... what would you like to see the woman do to help out the situation... like you said to help gain respect, etc....
Understand what I'm going for?? |
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SAM
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Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1950
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 2:08 pm Post subject: |
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That's great that all this is part of your family structure.
So, do I understand that you want him back in your life as your husband eventually? Or, just as a friend?
Sorry, if I'm not grasping the direction you wish to take with this relationship
There is a wonderful book by Emerson Eggerichs called Love and Respect that I believe would be extremely helpful to you. In fact, Growthtrac has interviewed this author before.
http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/a-conversation-with-emerson-eggerichs-866.php |
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rdsmith3
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Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 313
Location: NJ
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| Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 3:12 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | I guess I was just wondering ..... maybe if you were in his shoes.... in this situation... what would you like to see the woman do to help out the situation... like you said to help gain respect, etc....
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I think you just have to be open to God's direction in this.
If you read God's word, what does it tell you both to do?
Are you willing and open to doing that?
You may have to take the lead in telling him that you pray that you will both be open to whatever direction God takes you in.
Regarding getting to a point of mutual respect, you may have to just mention some things that he is doing well, e.g., "I appreciate how you helped Johnny with his homework the other day. I don't tell you very often that you are a good father." (or whatever may be appropriate). I would guess that you have both let each other know what you did wrong, so it is important to build each other up to help restore respect and trust.
Just some suggestions. I am not too good at that myself. |
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FaithFullyLiving
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Joined: 09 Jul 2007
Posts: 13
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| Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 7:58 pm Post subject: |
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Both good ideas... Thank you both!
If you think of anything else or anyone else has some ideas, let me know. |
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FaithFullyLiving
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Joined: 09 Jul 2007
Posts: 13
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| Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 10:37 pm Post subject: |
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| SAM wrote: | So, do I understand that you want him back in your life as your husband eventually? Or, just as a friend?
Sorry, if I'm not grasping the direction you wish to take with this relationship
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I did not answer this.... It is hard to see how it could EVER happen, but ultimately, yes, I would like us to be a family again. |
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SAM
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Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 6:02 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | It is hard to see how it could EVER happen, but ultimately, yes, I would like us to be a family again. |
Ah.. OK that makes more sense to me...
You're giving him signals that you've been thinking about this and want to see if it's possible to head in that direction.
His words are giving you very clear signals that he's nowhere near ready to even think about it.
It takes time...but it's not impossible. You've deeply hurt each other in the past. Couples who have divorced often get back together again. But, it takes time and patience and a willingness to dig deep and break the old patterns and start new and positive ones in their place.
Even though you are no longer a wife, also consider picking up the book by Stormie O'Martian called The Power of A Praying Wife and add Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs to the mix too that I recommended earlier.
Pray for the father of your children and ask God to bring him back to you as your husband.
Take it very very slow. Let him mull this over and lift it up to God in prayer. He's not ready to go there. From what you have said, it appears his heart is very wounded and he's guarding it very carefully.
OK - this is moving way ahead of the game at the moment, but it's something to seriously consider.
At some time, if he feels he is ready to move forward -
Think about this as starting a relationship from the beginning. Baby steps, as though you were meeting each other for the first time. Starting to date and so on. Be careful, do not become sexually active and do not have him move back in with you without being married. Let's think about doing this relationship God's way - honoring God with everything.
Romans 12:2 (NLT)
Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
As silly as it may sound, attend a premarital seminar and a financial seminar. Get a fresh start, get your feet on solid ground. Again, this is getting way ahead of the game, but it's worth serious prayer and thought.
Other great books - Before You Say I Do by H. Norman Wright, Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy Evans and Experiencing Christ Together by Neil T. Anderson |
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hopefulness
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Joined: 11 Jul 2007
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 7:22 pm Post subject: |
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| What has changed, that now you realize you want to be a family again? |
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FaithFullyLiving
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Joined: 09 Jul 2007
Posts: 13
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| Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 10:25 pm Post subject: |
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| hopefulness wrote: | | What has changed, that now you realize you want to be a family again? |
Well, as I pointed out in my first post..... I never wanted a divorce. I begged and pleaded with him to only separate while we worked it out, so I never wanted to STOP being a family.
So, when the horrible divorce and custody battle was going on, I had so much hate and anger and of course hurt, I was dealing with, all I could see was getting my kids and keeping him away.
Now that I've had a year to heal and deal, and I don't have that "cloud of hurt and anger" surrounding me, I can see things more clearly. I've looked back and been able to even see MY part in the break up of the marriage and therefore I know I can avoid that in the future.
I don't know how or even IF it is Gods will that we be joined again as a family. God has his hand on this and I am just here to do what he wants. I see God working in my life and I hope that he is working in his life as well.
So many things would HAVE to happen for us to ever be a family again, but I know with God - ALL things are possible - and if it is his "will", then those thigns will happen.
If it's not, then he has something better in the works for me. |
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