Mysterious workings

newcreation · Junior Member Joined: 31 Aug 2005 Posts: 25

Friends:

What a roller-coaster ride this has been. My faith is deepened daily through our savior who strengthens me. As you know, I found evidence of an affair my wife was having with another man. I was furious and even wrote out an ultimatum with conditions for my wife. I was prepared to go to an attorney if she did not agree to every term. I had decided not to confront her about the affair until after Thanksgiving because I wanted to have a nice holiday for my children. I prayed and prayed for peace and restraint on TG since it was at her parents' house and it would be the first time I had seen her in several days since my discovery of the affair. I didn't think I could do it. I have anger issues and nothing had been so devastating as this new knowledge. On TG morning as I drove the 40 minutes to my inlaws, I prayed the whole way for peace and joy, and God put on my heart to love my wife no matter what she had done and to forgive her. I balked and wondered why I should treat her with kindness and forgiveness. But the feeling was so strong and I obeyed. Thanks be to God I did for it has made an enourmous difference in our marriage.

We had a very nice TG and, as I was leaving, my lovely wife walked me to the car and told me she had decided not to go to a weekend retreat for troubled marriages that she had already agreed to attend with me. I asked her if the reason she didn't want to go now was because of the relationship she was having with the other man. She was surprised that I knew, but said that wasn't the issue. I asked her about the relationship and she was very tight with the details. I could feel my anger boiling up and I prepared to "lay down the law." But instead, the words that came out of my mouth were "I know there is more to this and when you're ready to tell me everything, I'm ready to listen. I forgive you and I love you. I will not give up on us and I will pray that God brings you back to me." It was like I was watching from outside my body. This is so out of character for me. I'm the angy man. I hugged her and left.

We had a really nice weekend, and went out on a date Friday. I didn't bring up the affair once when we were together. She alluded to it once, but I just changed the subject. We've spent time together every night this week and on Wednesday she told me she wanted to talk about the OM. I said OK. She said that she knew that I believed it to be a physical relationship, but she said it isn't. She said he was separated from his wife and was easy to talk to about problems. Just friends. I asked if they were just friends why she lied and hid it from me? She said that although it was not an "affair" she knew it was inappropriate and shouldn't have been talking to him about me. She apologized for lying and sneaking around and for the relationship. I said that although I had not asked her to end her friendship with him, if we were to repair OUR relationship she would have to put an end to it. She said "I already have." Praise be to God. She told him that she was going to a marraige seminar with me and she needed to work on us and he said "I hope you work it out and I'll pray for you."

It's just so bewildering and wonderful how God can use what I thought was the end for my marriage and use it to begin the healing process. I believe that if I had gone with my instincts and issued the ultimatum, we would be on the road to divorce and she would have been pushed in to the arms of the OM. But the Holy Spirit guided me and filled me with love for my wife and it has made all the difference. We're not out of the woods yet, but God is working in our lives. She is so confused and I am just praying constantly for her. But I sense the ice melting around her heart and I believe we're on the right path - moving very slowly, but moving.

Thanks for all your prayers and supportive posts. Please keep her and us in your prayers. We'll be going to the retreat this weekend and I think it will be good for us.

NC

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

Thank you for posting this and letting us know how things are going.
God is good, yes??? God is faithful. We only need to ask Him to help us and guide us and let go of our need to control. When he's in the driver's seat, things seem to go so much smoother.

I will pray for the weekend away with your wife. Just love her with the love of Christ. Let her talk about things at her own pace and hold her and kiss her if she allows you to. One peace of advice, do not initiate physical intimacy unless she appears to be receptive.

What you describe of your wife appears to have been an emotional affair. They are just as devastating . It'is a deep heart connection that occurs even when the physical has been absent. It takes a great time to heal as she will be grieving the loss of this relationship for some time. When we have lost the emotional connection with our spouse, this is where all the danger signs come in to play with connecting with another individual of the opposite sex to pour out all of our problems and feelings. As a woman, the need to have someone listen is so important, and that is where the draw to this man came about. He was willing to listen.

I would encourage you to seek counseling for your anger issues and for your marriage. There is always something that drives this emotion in us. My husband and I have a very dear friend who struggles with this very same thing and his kids and his wife walk on pins and needles waiting for the next explosion. It is not a very good way to show your family Christ's love. The work that God is doing in you right now, is to show you that there is a better way - His way.

webacus · Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 11:54 am Post subject:

NC, good progress. God is working.

newcreation · Junior Member Joined: 31 Aug 2005 Posts: 25

God is good and faithful. He has been breaking me down spiritually lately. Saving me from myself actually. I am in counseling and and we are in couples therapy. I'm not happy with the way it is going, but we are limited in choices here so I'll keep trying. I've scheduled an individual appt with her and I'm going to ask her to move the sessions toward strategies and focus less on how we got here. My wife is also seeing her individually.

I am excited about our weekend trip - perhaps too excited. I just keep praying God will make use of the weekend in his way and keep me from trying to make my outcome happen. I ask my wife if I can hold her hand or rub her shoulders, but that is all. I do not expect nor do I intend to ask for sex while we're away. I have to show her how committed I am to courtship right now. We waited when we were dating, and I can wait now. It's funny, but God has taken that burden from me these last months. It is so important to me - the physical relationship - but I have had no "withdrawl" from lack of it.

I am so encouraged right now, but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have to trust God is working in his own time. Thank you for all your prayers and support. It has been therapy to post here and have my story heard.

In Christ's love,
NC

P.S. I'm thinking of fasting next week to prepare myself spiritually for our weekend. Any thoughts? Suggestions?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

A fast can be a day, a few or a week. Whatever you feel God is leading you to do. I usually try to increase my reading/devotion time with God when I fast as well as surround myself with praise/worship music throughout the day. Fasting can take on many forms, but usually I find we do the best if we start with fruit/salads our first day, then I make an organic vegetable broth for us to consume along with organic fruit juices the next three days only, then we break the fast with fruits/salads the fifth day. That's about all we can usually bear without eating each others heads off with being grumpy and food deprived. No food at all has never worked for us, except for a one day period only.

RBrownTN · Junior Member Joined: 04 Nov 2005 Posts: 44

newcreation · Junior Member Joined: 31 Aug 2005 Posts: 25

Friends:

We're off to our marriage retreat today! It begins tomorrow at 8:00 am. Please pray for us this weekend. Pray for us to see the Lord's face and know peace and healing and joy. Pray our time together will be filled with a renewing of friendship. Pray for our hearts to be open to whatever instruction God wants to give and for a renewal of our faith in Him. I thank all of you for your prayers to this point. I believe they are being answered as we speak.

NC

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

Safe travel and my prayers are with you. Let us know how your weekend goes.

RBrownTN · Junior Member Joined: 04 Nov 2005 Posts: 44

	Growthtrac Community Forum Index -> Emotional Needs	All times are GMT - 6 Hours
Page 1 of 1