my husband left me

luciana · Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2005 9:00 am Post subject: my husband left me

Thank you very much for your prayers and help. Sam, I had already decided about do not have sex with my husband anymore. I think Jesus is changing my heart, mind and actions first to maybe change my husband´s after. I say "maybe" because sometimes it is very difficult to trust that one day Carlos will come back. I know I am wrong and I must trust in God forever but it looks that the more I pray and try to show him that I have changed a lot, the further he is. Is there anything I should do?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

To grow in our relationship with God, we need to rely on Him for our strength and wisdom during difficult circumstances - to surrender all to Him. It means giving up control and letting go.

Read James 1:1-12 today - I pray this will give you encouragement to understand this trial.

Also -
Proverbs 4:25-27
James 1:5
Proverbs 3:5-6
Jeremiah 6:16
My favorite - Jeremiah 29:11
1 Peter 4:12-13
John 16:33

luciana · Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2005 10:28 am Post subject: my husband left me

Thank you for answering Sam. I think that what I mean is: Is there any possibilty of he does not come back? Or if I pray and trust God can give me him back?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

Unfortunately, there is that possibility because as you said before, he does not have a relationship with Jesus. He has abandoned you and your children.

Yes, I believe if we both pray there is a possiblity he would come home to you. I firmly believe God does answer our prayer, but keep in mind that He may have other plans for your husband. Similar to the story of the Prodigal Son, where he has to go out and come to a point of complete falleness and brokeness before he realizes home is where he should be.
The hard part is trusting God to work this out. He will, but it may not be the outcome you desire. His plans are better than our plans and sometimes that is not what we always want.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

If you have an opportunity, purchase a book called, "Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch in Marriage", by Lee Stroebel. I think this will be very helpful.

A couple of others - "Love Must be Tough", by Dr. James Dobson and
"Love and Respect" by Dr.Emerson Eggerichs.

It is important to search the Bible as well as reading for the guidance you need. Again, I would highly recommend seeking counsel through your church and support from your church family during this time. Rely on God for your guidance and not so much on what family/friends tell you. While they have your best interest in mind, God is our best source for wisdom or sometimes a very wise and trusted Christian friend. Our family members or friends do not always follow Jesus, so they can be misguided in their advice.

luciana · Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2005 1:10 pm Post subject: my husband left me

It is on that point I do not understand. If God is against the divorce how could He has another plan for me instead of changing us and making us forgive each other? I do not know exactily, but "What God has joined, do not separate the man", is it? What does it mean? Can God have another man, a better man for me? Sorry if I can not understand you, maybe the problem is the language. Are you pentecostal? Do you believe in revelations and prophecy?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

No, not penecostal. I am an evangelical Christian. I believe God gives each one of us individual gifts once we are filled with the Holy Spirit. If a gift is truly from God, it will build up the church and not the individual.

I have been a Christian for 18 going on 19 years and have run into many people. I have never met anyone with the gift of revelations or prophecy and would be very cautious to come across someone who claims to have this gift. Again, a special gift as this would build up the church and if it is focused on the individual, I would question whether it really is a spiritual gift from God.

I do not doubt in anyway that God can bring your husband home. But, he has also given your husband free will to chose. Otherwise, we would be puppets of God instead of children of God. Ultimately, it will be your husband's choice to come home. If he does not, then biblically you are allowed to divorce him. I understand that you will need to work through forgiveness of your husband and perhaps he of you. Restoration can take place, but ----- it is still your husband's choice and God allows us to make our own choices, good or bad.

As far as your question, "What God has joined, do not separate the man."
You need to read several paragraphs before that and several after.
Matthew 19:4-9
4"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,'and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

7"Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"

8Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.

This is not what God intended for your marriage, but your husband has made a choice to abandon you and possibly be involved with another woman. He has made the choice to be unfaithful and he is the one who has chosen to "separate" your marriage.

Rushing ahead of yourself and wanting an answer from God on this right now means you are not waiting for the Lord to work in your husband. That answer may not come for awhile. As for God, having a better man for you - I would encourage you not to think in this manner. It is still very possible, as I said before, your husband may come home with a heart of repentance and brokeness. He may reach out to Jesus in the same way that you have and be able to restore your marriage. That takes time and prayer.

luciana · Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2005 3:09 pm Post subject: my husband left me

Thank you Sam. I think now I understand. You are really helping me.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

You are so welcome - any time.
I will continue to keep you, your husband and children in my prayers for healing and restoration.

My son-in-law's family is from Spain/Mexico and he tells me this behavior is very common among men. It is OK for them to have other women and to still come home to the wife and kids. He says it is an accepted part of their society. He does not agree with the behavior and says it is not what God wants for men and their families, just that it is accepted.

Is this also a common practice in your country? Is your husband providing for you and your children financially? If not, do you have family and a church that can assist you?

Please feel free to post anytime and let me know how things are going for you. I continue to pray that you will be able to resist sexual contact with your husband for now to protect yourself. You are a cherished and loved child of God. When you feel lonely, please allow God to wrap you in His great big loving arms and hold you and hug you. He is the one to give you the intimacy and self-esteem you need right now.

luciana · Posted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 5:01 am Post subject: My husband left me

I could not answer yesterday, but I really apreciate your help. Yes, it is very common in Brazil the husband leave their home to another wife and then come to have the wife and kids. It is very normal. They just think they have this "law". Yesterday i arrived very late at home from my work and the children were waiting for me to sleep. When we went to bed, my son (5 years old) asked me why did his father left us and has another woman. Why does not he love us anymore? I really did not know what to answer and said him to ask his father. During the night , I woke up with my daughter crying(8years old). I turned the light on and saw that she was sleeping yet. She cried and said Dad, are not you going to finish our house? Am I not going to have my room anymore? Are you not going to live with us anymore? I sat down near her and passed my hands on her hair and said love words on her ears and she stopped crying. But now, I am really bad. I wish I could say everything I think about him. We were builting our house that was a dream for everybody and now it is alone.
I could not find "James" in the Brazilian Bible...

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

As hard as it may be, it is important for you not to say negative words to the kids about their father. Do not tell the kids about the possiblity of another woman being in their father's life. In time, they will be able to figure it out and draw their own conclusions, but they will have a lot more respect for you if you do not tear down their father with your words or actions. It is important to tell the kids their father still loves them, even when he is gone.

The reason I tell you this - my father left our home when I was 15. It took me a long time to understand that a heavenly father could love me, when my earthly father did not. I struggled to understand this kind of love
for many years and that is was unconditional from God. I think if I knew by earthly dad was not always perfect but still loved me anyway, I would not have struggled so much to know God loved me.

Dreams die when this happens, yours and the kids. That is why it is so destructive to the family.

The Book of James is right after the book of Hebrews in the New Testament and before 1 Peter. If it is in Spanish, it might be "Jaime"??
Even in the Brazilian Bible it should be there.

luciana · Posted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 7:16 am Post subject: my husband left me

About James, I think I did not explain in the right way. There is this book in the Brazilian bible, I could not know the name in Portuguese, but now you gave me the location and I found it. It is Tiago in Portuguese and I am going to ask my friend who is Spanish about it. The church I am going does not have a counselor and I am very confused about looking for another one. Thank you again.

luciana · Posted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 7:22 am Post subject: my husband left me

About James, I think I did not explain in the right way. There is this book in the Brazilian bible, I could not know the name in Portuguese, but now you gave me the location and I found it. It is Tiago in Portuguese and I am going to ask my friend who is Spanish about it. The church I am going does not have a counselor and I am very confused about looking for another one. Thank you again.

I never said anything bad about their father, I just said him to ask their father because I was surprised and did not know what to answer. I did not said them about another woman. He said me, because one day he went travel with his dad and a friend, and listened his dad talking to this freind about this woman. I always said them "your father will be your father forever."

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

I understand and that is great that you are still lifting up their father to them. Sometimes when these things occur it is very hard to keep hurt feelings to yourself.

I'm glad you found Tiago. I did not realize your country spoke Portuguese. I'm sorry I made the assumption about Spanish.

I pray you are doing better each day and trusting more in God to get you through each moment of the day. Also, to rely on His strength instead of your own for all that you need.

luciana · Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 8:40 am Post subject: my husband left me

Last friday he went home to see the the kids and again tried to have sex with me. At this time I said no, I did not want this anymore. He said "Why? Do have another man?" I said "no, but I do not want this happens because after that I am going to feel myself better and I think is not right. You make sex with another woman outside, make with me. Is it a party?" Then I talked about Jesus to him and he left my house crying. I do not know if he was being honest or if it was"crocodile tears". Do you have this expression in English? If not, I explain to again. On Sunday, I stayed really bad. I needed to go to the doctor and he wants to give me some days off. Sometimes I think it will be good, and I am taking medicines. I do not to say in English, but they are to make me sleep and feel better. It is my dought: Am I not going against God having rest and taking medicines? Am I not do not trusting only in HIm? I am afraid of making God sad with me.

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