My husband and I need prayer

csi2204 · Newbie Joined: 04 Nov 2005 Posts: 4

My husband and I have been married 13 years. We have two kids. I should've known from the beginning something was wrong. My husband was caught taking ladies langerie out of dryers where were living. We moved and then he was accused of sexual harassment. Of course I was in denial and covered for him. Then what topped it all (which we separated) he had an affair and then drugged me, and allowed someone to sleep with me so he could watch. We were separated for 2 months and he promised to change. We started marriage couselling and going to church. He seems to be changing somewhat. Also during the 13 years he emotionally and mentally abused me. He has stared doing that again. But it has been gradual. I can't divorce for the fact that I have been a stay at home mom for these long 13 years. Nobody wants to hire someone with little or no experience. The thing is, is I have tried to make our marriage work, tried to get the love back I once had for him, and being able to trust again. I just can't do it anymore. Please pray for me. I don't know what to do. Crying or Very sad

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I have prayed for you and your marriage.

Time for more counseling. But, counseling for your husband with regard to pornography. All the warning signs are there as well as possible sexual addiction.

You may want to talk with your pastor about a controlled/arranged separation while he seeks help (that is if your husband is willing). This means someone is a mediator for you and sets guidelines and a timetable with counseling being held weekly.

Do you have family who could take you in and assist you with getting back on your feet and helping you take some college courses?? This way you can slowly start building your confidence and self-esteem again. Find something that interests you with the intention of building a career. Junior colleges are a wonderful place to do that.

csi2204 · Newbie Joined: 04 Nov 2005 Posts: 4

My husband refuses to get help. He says he doen't have a problem. So I am just trying to focus on myself and the kids. I am applying for college while I still have military benefits, get my depression under control, and gain a little independence. And if at that time he chooses to get help and I see things changing, well I don't know. I am just trying to set boundaries with him and hope that he gets help. The thing is that the kids and I need to stay in the home. The youngest child's school is behind our house.
I know my husband has a Sex Addiction. I was actually in a support group for women whose spouses/mates had sex addictions. I work the 12 steps daily and read my recovery bible.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I have a wonderful book to recommend to you called Tough Love by Dr. James Dobson.

Sometimes we need to take steps to push the issue with a spouse who is disrespectful, bullish, verbally abusive, sexually addicted, etc. Tough Love lays out the steps one needs to take to not be a doormat to this kind of behavior from a spouse.

How does this environment benefit the kids??? This is why I asked if there is family who can assist you.

csi2204 · Newbie Joined: 04 Nov 2005 Posts: 4

The kids can tell that Mom isn't happy. When their Dad is here they are upset and everyone is tense. The nights my husband has duty all night the kids and I are great. My Mom lives 10 minutes from me and she is supporting my decision about things a I am planning. She wants to see the kids and I happy. Her and I both want my husband to get help, we care about him.
It is very difficult living with him. It would be easier for him to move on base than the kids and I leave.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Please understand I am not saying leave/divorce your husband. Not at all.
Difficult steps need to be taken for him to get the help he needs. If he is not willing to do so, then tough love steps need to be taken. This is where your family can help you and it is good that they are only 10 minutes away.

A pastor or counselor can assist you with direct/difficult confrontation if your husband is willing to meet with one. If he is unwilling to seek help and make these difficult choices toward his healing/addiction and the restoration of your marriage, then it is time to outline steps to be taken. The book Tough Love can assist you with what this would look like.

God has not left you. He is walking right beside you and will carry you through this difficult time. Seek His guidance in all things and pray, pray, pray. My prayers are with you.

webacus · Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 8:14 am Post subject:

I would add...

You mentioned "emotional and mental abuse". Be careful. Don't subject yourself and your children to an abusive situation. You need to protect your family-- even if that means leaving.

Please see these topics:

http://www.growthtrac.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=681
http://www.growthtrac.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=686

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

csi2204 · Newbie Joined: 04 Nov 2005 Posts: 4

I am going to ask my husband to leave. I just signed papers to make sure this house was in my name too. But also I want to make sure all my entry forms to college are in and that I start classes in January. The kids won't want to go and I think my husband doesn't want to be here.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

First, I encourage you to seek wise counsel before you take these steps.
Please speak with a pastor or counselor. It is important to have a plan layed out. One that seeks restoration and what your husband needs to do to come back into your home with you and your children. This cannot be a precursor to divorce. It needs to be a precursor to healing, restoration, forgiveness and the help he needs.

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