Maturity before Marrying - Avoiding spiritual mismatches

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

If you desire for someone to become more mature in the Lord before you marry them, is this acceptable? Should they already come "ready-made?"

webacus · Posted: Wed Aug 14, 2002 6:55 pm Post subject:

Danielle
I think, seldom do they come "ready-made". :tounge2:

Because we all progress at different rates, it's common, even for "mature" Christian couples, to be in different places spiritually.

Quote:

If you desire for someone to become more mature in the Lord before you marry them, is this acceptable?

Yes, I think it is acceptable.

You need to prayerfully discern and identify what that acceptable "maturity" level is. Remember, you are on different growth tracks -- and possibly always will be.

Questions I would ask...

>Are you sure he's really a believer?
>What about his spiritual immaturity is/might affect your marriage, affect your spiritual growth?
>Do you really need a partner more closely matched to you spiritually? Why?
>Is is growing? Is he making progress?
>Is he holding you back?

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Hi Webacus,
Thanks for responding. I can't tell you how many Christian women I've heard say they wish they would've waited until their husbands were more mature in Christ before marrying. I've always wondered why this is.....

To answer those questions:

He's a believer who was back-slidden for many years after being saved as a teen; now growing closer to Christ.

Yes, I do feel it will affect my spiritual growth. I desire less of a mismatch so we will be more in sync. I won't have to keep thinking "well, he'll understand this one day." Not that we all don't have growing to do, but I think you are more equally yoked if the distance isn't too great.

Yes, he is growing; making progress the more he is coming to know what the Christian life is all about and giving God more control.

Yes & No to being held back. Sometimes I don't want to grow too much, so there isn't alot of distance between us. I don't feel I compromise within my walk. Yet this whole experience has resulted in me growing to another level spiritually.

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

If - If's and But's were candy and nuts, we would all have a Merry Christmas

It sounds that you are still wrestling with whether your BF is spiritual mature, or better whether he is Christian Compatable enough to marry at this point in time.

Each person has their must have's and can't stand's in a candidate for marriage. The longer those lists the fewer candidates there are for marriage, which means a longer wait to find that person. Once you marry someone, you cannot hold onto that list, not to mention add anything to it. You're married and that list needs to be destoryed , otherwise it will become a wedge to separate the both of you with.

You either accept him the way he is now, or wait until he matures, or move on. The one thing you can not do is stand over him waiting and watching for him to grow. In the end he will slowly grow bitter as he attempts to meet your spiritual requirements, which he cannot meet in the short term, because they must come from his heart, not from any labor of his mind or hands.

The bottomline is where do you stand on marrying him? Sad

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Waiting for more maturity......

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

One thing I think we forget is to let God do the work instead of ourselves trying to do all of it. His plan is perfect, left to our own devices - we mess up. Waiting on the Lord, His timing, His glory and we are such impatient creatures.

In the scheme of things, will waiting another year to get married really make that much difference? What if a year from now you are still not satisfied with the spiritual growth in your BF, invest another year?

If you really want an extremely mature, knowledge inside and out of the bible kind of guy, one who will guide you and grow you and your future family then I say don't compromise. If you settle for anything less, your BF will know it and never feel unconditionally loved by you. He will feel he can never measure up to what you want in a husband. My husband wants and needs my unconditional love and respect.

When we were spiritually mismatched ( I was a Christian - he was not) our biggest arguments were about him not doing, not growing, not attending church and not loving God the way I did. Doesn't do much toward building your husband's self-esteem.

Even once he gave his life to Christ, it was many, many years before I watched God grab a hold of him and grow him into the man he is today. He loves God now with all his heart and looks for every opportunity he can to share Christ with others. What an amazing turnaround. Did it happen overnight - no, it has taken 15 years to get where we are at today.

Another question to maybe ask yourself, is this a realistic or unrealistic expectation of someone I wish to marry? Are you really willing to wait on the Lord to finish the good work He has started in your BF? Or are you anxious to walk down the aisle because the biological clock is ticking?

I just finished reading a great book by Lee Strobel - How to Survive a Spiritually Mismatched Marriage. Great insight because he wrote it with his wife who became a Christian before he did and the journey they have been on together.

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Hi Sam,
Its always good hearing your (experienced) point of view. Very Happy

I think waiting another year would make somewhat of a difference, because I'm seeing more of a commitment to Christ from him as more time passes; however my bf has clearly made it known that he wants to be married by next August and no later than that. He's not all that willing to wait any longer because he's ready to start a family, etc. I'm not really all that concerned about my biological clock, I just want God's perfect timing.

If I wasn't satisfied, then no, I would not invest another year. Neither one of us is getting any younger, and I definitely want to have children before I get too late in my thirties given I'd rather not conceive immediately after marrying.

In your 3rd paragraph, that description is what I would like BUT I once had that and it still didn't work out!!! My ex was that type of man but we were just too different and not very compatible in other areas. We were only compatible in the spiritual, and even that wasn't always the case either because he tended to be very legalistic. SOOOO, this leaves me to think "hey, maybe God doesn't want that for me." Perhaps what I have right now is what he is intending for me!

You know what I mean? Ever wonder if what we want isn't what God wants?

And I just purchased that same book you referenced, but only to read the very last chapter about mismatched Christians. Pretty good.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Your Welcome!

I still need to ask - what if you aren't ready to be married until August 2004? What do you feel your BF will do if you told him I want to wait a little longer?

It seems to me, that children could be the primary focus with your BF. They shouldn't be. The strength of your relationship with God, then your marriage should be your first priority. I'm sorry, but I don't hear that in your post.

I have seen way tooo many couples sacrifice their marriage for children. When it should be God first, your marriage, then your children. Your children will be gone someday - one of mine was married this summer and the other is a senior in high school. Then what? Sit and stare at each other, have no common interests and passions. One thing that has drawn my husband and I the closest is doing ministry together. We have grown so much in the last 6 years in our marriage by doing this - it is amazing.

So, I guess my concern is that your BF's focus may be kids. While that is noble and honorable, it should not be the primary expectation toward getting married next August. Whether you are 33 when you have your first child or 35 - it's not much difference in the scheme of things. Trusting God for this process is the hardest thing to do - we have our own agenda.

I know a couple who married 3 years ago - 40 and 43. This was her 1st marriage. They said they would give themselves a year to be married and enjoy their alone time, then would try to conceive for 6 months after that. In the meantime, they would also start the process for adoption of 2 children from the Baltic states near Russia. They never conceived, but now have a beautiful little boy and girl they adopted at the same time. The kids are 2 years apart.

This is something they talked about before getting married. They were wise to lay out a plan and to also know that God may not intend for them to have their own biological children, but found out that He had these 2 children for them instead.

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Quote:

however my bf has clearly made it known that he wants to be married by next August and no later than that

Danger Wil Robinson Danger (Line from Lost in Space)

It sounds like the battlelines have been drawn, D-Day August 2003. For him a committment of marriage, for you some sort of indication of being and living for Christ.

So what will happen?

Also as we know, this will have to be resolved before August of 2003, because "if" someone is getting married plans have to be made before.

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Davep/Sam,

August 2003 seems to be the deadline for him not just to have and enjoy raising children before getting any older (though that is a definite factor), but mainly because he is ready to do this. We've been seriously dating for going on 4 years now (known each other for 10), and he's just ready to begin married life. Plus we BOTH desire a summer wedding, so if not next August, I really don't see either of us willing to wait until the following summer. Spring would be ok I guess, but it is a desire on both of our parts for an August wedding.

I'm a little more willing to wait if necessary, but I'm sure that's because I still need to see some growth on his part (which he feels he needs as well before marrying) more so then him waiting to see something from me. His mind is made up regarding wanting to propose to me. I asked him yesterday what would he do if God clearly spoke to him that he needed to postpone marrying next year, and he said he would obey if the reasons were clear. He said there is no "man-made" reason why he shouldn't be able to marry by August. I just desire God's perfect timing no matter what!

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Quote:

so if not next August, I really don't see either of us willing to wait until the following summer.

If your BF isn't spiritual mature for you now, what will happen in 6 months? God isn't looking for maturity, he is looking for progress. Is God working on your BF's heart? Is God telling you "Danielle, take another number, this one isn't ready yet?"
Or maybe just maybe, God is saying he has great potential, he just needs your Love and Patience, so that he develops into that solid Christian Man, I have planned for him.

Question: Where does your Love for your BF, and his Love for you figure in all of this?

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Hey Davep,

"If your BF isn't spiritual mature for you now, what will happen in 6 months?"

True, God is looking for progress, and alot has been made. At the rate he has been growing & learning I feel he can continue to make great progress in that timeframe. But we are talking a whole year before an actual marriage would take place, so I'm sure he would not only make continual progress but also mature to some degree as well. As long as it is a geniune desire in his heart to be a true follower of Christ. I know we all have different seasons within our walk as well.

"Is God working on your BF's heart? Is God telling you "Danielle, take another number, this one isn't ready yet?"

YES, he is greatly working on his heart. He's been fighting it alot of times saying "he and God are battling" but he has slowly come to surrender. His grandmother had the gift of visions, and before passing she did tell my bf he would be "coming back to the church." He has, and I praise God I've been a vessel to this happening. (In fact, alot of things we discuss (even debate) end up coming up in church sermons, so I know this is of God).

I have to admit that sometimes I really don't know what God has been telling me. My ears have been clogged. Clogged with doubt, overwhelming feelings, and then not having closure with a previous bf. I didn't have "mustard seed" faith even, but now I am exercising more faith. Something has been keeping us both in the relationship. We've never cut the ties though the desire was there several times. God has been telling me to WAIT. That and concentrate on developing things within my OWN walk.

Or maybe just maybe, God is saying he has great potential, he just needs your Love and Patience, so that he develops into that solid Christian Man, I have planned for him.

YES! I feel that way alot of times. Patience has been something I've definitely grown in throughout this experience. Love too. Unconditional, Christ-like love. I just get really impatient at times, and doubtful, especially since I'm desiring certain things out of this relationship RIGHT NOW (more Christ-centered, etc), versus down the line.

Question: Where does your Love for your BF, and his Love for you figure in all of this?

He loves me greatly, sees the need in his life for me, etc. I love him but I haven't really been "in love" all the time. We've both encountered this. However I do feel this love could be strengthed more (and I want to love him more) through Christ---its been a missing link in our relationship. Slowly changing though......

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Quote:

I love him but I haven't really been "in love" all the time.

Interesting response.

The person I marry I will love passionately. When he walks into a room, my heart will skip a beat. When he has a few wrinkles and gray hair, I will still think he is the handsomest man on the face of this earth. I will still love to put my head on his chest at night and hear the beat of his heart. I will still love to cuddle against his stomach, even though it is a little softer than it used to be. When he touches my hand, my leg, my face, my arm - I will still get chills. I will love it when he tells me I am beautiful and the treasure of his heart.
I will be treasured and cherished by him.

Sounds kind of like a romantic novel, huh? However, this is how I still feel about the love of my life who I married 26 years ago. Have there been times where I have loved him, but not been "in love" with him - absolutely. That's part of marriage. Has he always been my best friend, not always. At times we can be each others worst enemies.

However, to have the feeling of not being "in love" while dating and talking of marriage has me a little bit puzzled.

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Quote:

so I'm sure he would not only make continual progress but also mature to some degree as well.

If you had to decided whether or not to marry him on your love for one another, would you marry him today?

If you had to decided whether or not to marry him on the current status of his Christian Walk, would you marry him today?

Is God's calling for marriage to have two people who are "both" believers in Him or two believers who's walks are "close to" each others? Marriage is a triangle, with God on the top, and two "believers" on the bottom. We are called to become more like Christ, that is the direction of our change, vertical, that is our focus. We should not be distracted by the speed or lack there of our spouse's walk and or progress.

As long as your BF is moving in that direction, that is what is key. The quality of his walk, or the maturity of his walk is not for you to judge. You are fixating on this to the point it will destory your real everyday relationship with your BF.

This will never end, you will always be looking over your shoulders at him. He already knows it is a hurdle to marriage now, what next? What hurdles or requirement will you consider for having a baby?

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Sam,

Yes I would think that a person would want to be head-over-heels, crazy in love with someone they are considering marrying, and I do want this. Don't misunderstand, its not that I'm not in love with him at all, I just said it hasn't been that way all the time during this relationship. Some times have been better than others, and I didn't have complete closure (though I thought I did) with a previous ex in the beginning of this relationship. I'm in love to a degree, but I want it to go deeper. We also have an unbelievable physical chemistry--how we were drawn to each other initially, and its still there, but more of a spark than raging fire. (which is also a good thing I might add to not be tempted by pre-marital sex).

In fact, I'll even go as far to say that I have not allowed myself to really fall in love completely because of desiring a Christ-centered relationship FIRST. I only feel this can happen if Christ in a major part of this relationship. The spiritual is the most important aspect to me when it comes to relationships. Having felt that we've been equally yoked caused that "in love" feeling to be absent alot.

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