Maturity before Marrying - Avoiding spiritual mismatches

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

Is your BF someone you can't live without?

I get the impression you have been cautious with giving away your heart until you know for sure this is who Christ wants for you.

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Davep,

"If you had to decided whether or not to marry him on your love for one another, would you marry him today?"

Probably.

"If you had to decided whether or not to marry him on the current status of his Christian Walk, would you marry him today?"

Probably not. I'm not ready to marry myself today, but BOTH he & I feel he needs a little more maturity in his walk before we take that step. So he can be the Christian father & husband that God intends for him to be. It's not just me desiring this--my bf has clearly admitted he needs to grow somewhat more before marrying.

"Is God's calling for marriage to have two people who are "both" believers in Him or two believers who's walks are "close to" each others?"

Believers, however I'm one of the ones who feels that even believers CAN be unequally yoked. Its not just about believing because anyone can believe, but that doesn't mean they are living for Christ. We need to be in agreement. Like-minded. I do feel that more now, whereas before I didn't. Growth will take care of itself, so I'm more concerned that the person I'm marrying is a true disciple of Christ more so than their maturity. However, if we were more closely matched spiritually, that would be an added bonus. I'm not trying to judge his walk. Its just a desire of mine, that's all. Especially since the previous relationship I was in, me & my ex were more closely matched. I got used to that. That's been the hardest part of this relationship. Dating someone who is the COMPLETE opposite of your former, and trying not to always compare. They are as opposite as night & day, leaving me to further wonder "what is God up to?"

One person wanting ALL of God, but the other only wanting SOME of God (and that person is the head of the marriage as husband) it seems there will be some heartache there. God has not been the head of my bf's life, but he has now made a decision to place him there, so I'm sure these doubts will subside as long as I see a true commitment there on his part vs just doing it for the relationship.

I don't see any hurdles or requirements for a baby. Just plenty of pain-relievers!

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

So I guess the bottomline here is....yes, a person can be content if they are dating someone who is making (true)progress in Christ...BUT is it acceptable if they also desire a little more maturity before marrying so they can be more equally yoked or less mismatched? They can be engaged during that time.....

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Quote:

Believers, however I'm one of the ones who feels that even believers CAN be unequally yoked

We've had this discussion elsewhere, but I believe you are taking the concept to a new level. While this may be a standard which you want to apply to yourself, it is not the intent of the biblical scriptures. Back in Paul's time, there weren't many Christians, and there were no bibles for people to go and buy and read. While today many people are Christian, back in Paul's time most if not all where pagan.

Paul was simply saying to marry someone who was a Christian, versus being a pagan. If people had to be any more equally yoked than that no marriages could ever take place. I think Paul would be delighted to hear that you and your BF where considering getting married; no yoke problem here.

Quote:

my bf has clearly admitted he needs to grow somewhat more before marrying.

Everything you have told us about your BF seem to show how real and honest he is about his Christian walk. Is he 100% there? Who knows, but it appears he is on track. What does he have to do, what does he have to prove to satasfy you that he is acceptable to marry? You have created a standard which is restrictive and controlling. What about his Love for you, what sort of Heart does he have? Would he be a great Dad? Would he treat you properly and be devoted to his family? This is what spiritual maturity is .

Look for progress not an equal match. There is no such thing as two people who are equally match, and if you find a couple, wait a few days, what looks equal can and will become unequal real fast. And without a real foundation of Love, God has nothing to work with. God is the mold and Love is the glue to a great marriage. Don't add any extra ingredients. As long as your BF has his eyes on the target, he will be shaped into God's shape.

The bigger question; is there enough Love here to develop a fruitful marriage? Unfortunately your BF has a cloud over his head, become more spiritual mature in 12 months dude, or your out. Forget about being in Love, forget you're a Christian, forget you had the strength to hold off and respect the issue of sex, forget that you are progressing in your Christian Walk, forget that you are honest with where you are at.

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Davep,
Yes, I do understand & agree with Paul's teachings. But on the other hand I do think if both believers are truly following Christ in actions, not just words this so crucial. Someone who is serious about the Lord. Anyone can believe, but following him is critical especially if Jesus is supposed to be the head of the marriage. I don't see how that can happen without BOTH spouses following Christ.

"What does he have to do, what does he have to prove to satasfy you that he is acceptable to marry? You have created a standard which is restrictive and controlling. What about his Love for you, what sort of Heart does he have? Would he be a great Dad? Would he treat you properly and be devoted to his family?"

He doesn't necessarily have to DO anything. Just BE. Being a follower of Christ. I don't think he is unacceptable. I've only stated that I desire to see a clear, 100% committed walk with Christ. It hasn't always been that way with him. Yes, he has all of these things but you see, I don't just desire a good Christian man, but a godly man. There is a difference. A Psalms 1 man. I don't think I have restrictive or controlling standards, I just want & deserve God's best and I don't feel I should have to settle for less.

Yes, I will continue to look for progress. All-in-all, I just want to share this deep love for Christ with the person I will marry. If my love is deeper than that person's, I think its only natural to get heartaches from time to time if that person is lagging way behind you. So I mean well. You just want to share the biggest part of your life with that person. The most important relationship in your life.

"The bigger question; is there enough Love here to develop a fruitful marriage? Unfortunately your BF has a cloud over his head, become more spiritual mature in 12 months dude, or your out. "

Yes, if that love is a Christ-based, Christ-centered love. "A couple that prays together, stays together." It's not like that--he's not giving himself 12 months to get more mature or there will be no marriage; he's just aiming for more growth in Christ so he feels he is ready to marry. I don't see how growth could not occur in a year within any Christian's walk. It's bound to happen.

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Quote:

I've only stated that I desire to see a clear, 100% committed walk with Christ

That's a tall order, to fill for any person, let alone a perspective mate. That is the goal we attempt each morning we wake up.

Quote:

I don't just desire a good Christian man, but a godly man.

Another tall order, one which we all fall short off, but one which we work towards.

Quote:

I just want & deserve God's best and I don't feel I should have to settle for less.

I agree what you are looking for is great, but is it realistic to find and expect in a potential mate before getting married? Are you looking for early Sanctification in a mate?

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Hey Davep,
Yes, Yes, and Yes.

That is something I need to see because it hasn't been that way. The way his walk was going was determined by how things in the relationship was going. If things were going good w/ us--things were going good with his walk; if things were bad, he would turn away from his walk. So I'm looking for a genuine commitment from his heart to God. He has shared that he approached it the wrong way.

I can deal with a person striving for that...as long as it is something they are truly devoted to Christ.

I do believe it to be realistic. Why? Because I once dated a man who was like this. I know he can't possibly be the only man on Earth that can fill those shoes. To me, he sort of set the standard. This is why I have these expectations. I know there are more out there. Very Happy

kelly · Posted: Thu Aug 22, 2002 7:51 am Post subject:

Hi Danielle! I have been missing in action for a while now (horrible heat wave and I am two weeks away from my due date...I've been miserable!). I read your opening post and the last few, I skipped the in-betweens so excuseme if I repeat any advice that has already been given : Wink

:

It sounds to me, from this and your other posts, that you definately aren't satisfied with marrying your bf. It doesn't seem to be "well with your soul". Don't settle. God has a plan for you, prayerfully a mate already picked out and prepared, or preparing. If this guy isn't what makes you feel ready, then either he isn't "the one", or God isn't finished with him yet. If you feel in your heart the latter, and you're not ready to give up on him, then maybe you two should back off a little. Spend some time apart, less suffocating. Let him decide where he is going and what he is doing alone. I don't mean break up, just back off. You seem to be going nowhere right now, or at least he seems to be going nowhere right now. Make sure you don't settle. Woman are often prone to doing this. I did the first time. We find it hard to trust God to have something "perfect" for us. Now, of course nobody is perfect, but when God sends you the right person, he will be "perfect" for you. Back off a little and see where he goes, what he does. Search your heart and soul. Pray. Don't try and make happen what you can't control. Give it to God and wait :inlove:

YSIC, Kelly.

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Hi Kelly,
Good hearing from ya!

Thanks for the encouraging words & advice. I would say I'm not 100% satisfied, but don't know if that's even realistic since we all have growing to do and are work in progress. I would say its the latter..."God isn't finished w/ him yet."

He's definitely been growing day by day and wanting to know and love Jesus more has he learns more. The stronger of a relationship I'm seeing w/ Christ, the more I feel ready to marry. Yes, we are planning to start spending more time apart. To concentrate on individual things we need to do, and I need this time apart to get closer to God myself to fully discern this life-changing decision. This will also allow me to see his commitment to Christ also. It's been wavering thus far until recently. He's definitely coming along though...

He's definitely going somewhere...I just need to ask myself if I'm willing to be patient, faithful & trusting. I will definitely not settle. I've always thought of marriage as God bringing 2 imperfect people together who are perfect for each other in his eyes...I guess sometimes we just don't see it!

Thanks Kelly, I just need to KEEP this in God's hands. Very Happy

p31 woman · Newbie Joined: 22 Aug 2002 Posts: 1

O.K. I'm new at this but I have been reading posts for quite some time now...This whole situation w/ should I marry this man or shouldn't I, is rather unsettling to me. First of all the fact that he's being compared to former boyfriend is totally a no-no!!!! I sure hope he doesn't know this! Let me tell you...my husband is a wonderful christian man...wonderful daddy etc. He has a quiet personality and some would probably think he is not strong enough spiritually because he isn't one to get up in church etc. He's a behind the scenes guy. I have always been more outspoken, the one to read up in books,the one to say "k'now we oughta' pray about this" etc.

I NEVER considered him to not be mature enough for me, just a different, If I may; personality in his christian walk. In the last several years he has definitly opened up more and become more comfortable in our home to lead out...I believe it took practice. We have one goal ...one focus, JESUS CHRIST .That is the whole point of being equally yoked! Dear dear girl, I think maybe you should read the first chapter of "Power of a Praying Wife" Sometimes it's me that needs changing! In Christ.

webacus · Posted: Thu Aug 22, 2002 5:26 pm Post subject:

p31... Welcome!

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Hi P31 woman:
As far as the comparing to an ex, that has definitely diminished. It was easier said than done, because 1) I really thought my ex was "the one" since he was a strong Christian man, romantic, and had pretty much all the things I desired in a husband a 2) we didn't really have closure, this made it VERY hard for both of us. He treated me like a wife and not a girlfriend when we were dating so it took my heart a while to get over him. I thought I did have closure before entering this relationship but that was not the case. I still desired alot of things that me & my ex shared, that was lacking in the current relationship. Yes, he knows of my ex. It's not so much I missed my ex; I just missed his qualities. Its been a learning experience overall.

I'd have to say my bf is the same---quiet, not very outspoken at all. I definitely know it has to do with his meek personality. Still waters run deep. There are just times where I get really excited about God and want to share that same fire with the person I plan to marry. And I'm not really talking about personality traits, but more so growth in the Lord desires. You see he had been back-slidden for several years after being saved as a teen, and had LOTS of questions about Christ, and didn't fully accept him. So that is what I was dealing with in this relationship. I'm sure it must be very hard for a mature Christian to date a babe in Christ. It's to be expected. Not saying that is the case with me, just giving an example. I mean people caution don't marry a person unless you "see the fruit" (of the Spirit), so my question has been do you wait around for that fruit to sprout? It doesn't have to be ripe; but at least budding.

I have Stormie's book--excellent! And have been praying the prayers from it. I've grown in my walk as well through this entire experience, so I know its nothing but the Lord. He's in control. Smile

Anthony · Full Member Joined: 14 Jun 2002 Posts: 84

Quote:

You see he had been back-slidden for several years after being saved as a teen, and had LOTS of questions about Christ

Did he get the answers to his questions about Christ?

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Yes, through us going to Bible study, church and seeds that have been planted. Very Happy

His grandmother who died several years ago had the gift of visions, and even told him "he would be back in the church."

Anthony · Full Member Joined: 14 Jun 2002 Posts: 84

Quote:

His grandmother who died several years ago had the gift of visions

What is the gift of visions? Is this a gift given by the Holy Spirit? Where in the Bible does it talk about it?

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