Marrige

liz · Newbie Joined: 12 Jul 2005 Posts: 21

I have seen areas in my marriage that need help. I have suggested to my husband about a marriage conference. Because you can get allot of information that will get you back on track. I want our friendship, and our intimacy back but I just don’t know where we need to start? I want that affectionate back. When ever I had told him about being affectionate he says that he is not going to hang all over me, but that’s not what I’m talking about. Just the attention that you receive because your spouse loves you and cannot keep his hands off you. The other thing also is spending time with one another. We seem not to be able to do that. Please pray for all this.
Thank you,
Liz

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Family Life has some wonderful conferences that you can look into on their website - http://www.growthtrac.com/dennis-rainey.php
Dennis Rainey has also written some wonderful books - "Rekindling the Romance" and "Staying Close".

Also, Growthtrac offers marriage conferences as well and will come to your local church. Maybe you can talk to your pastor about calling to have GT come out to do a weekend conference for the couples in your church.

Unfortunately, that spark you once shared doesn't always stay lit and is no longer spontaneous. You have to plan romance for romance to stay alive. Take walks, plan date nights, plan love nights, plan a night away at a B & B. The questions to ask are, "Why do we not have time to spend with each other?" "What is getting in the way?", "What do we need to eliminate from our schedules?" Sometimes the intimacy with God is fading between you as well. There is a wonderful book by James and Shirley Dobson, called "Night Lights" that helps bring the God connection back to your marriage. Also, praying together about your marriage, your family, your kids and those you love that needs God's help. God brings the love and desire back into our hearts in marriage. After all, He is the designer. When we leave Him out of the equation, the other intimacies in marriage can begin to fade. He needs to be in the center of our marriages.

liz · Newbie Joined: 12 Jul 2005 Posts: 21

Would you suggest that I start out with the book that you recommend “Night Lights”? I’m not sure what would be the first thing. Since my husband is pretty reluctant when ever I’ve suggested things.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

First, have you or your husband given your hearts and lives over to Jesus Christ? Do you having an understanding of what this means?

I ask this because it depends on my response regarding recommendation of the books.

liz · Newbie Joined: 12 Jul 2005 Posts: 21

Yes, we have made Jesus Christ our Lord & Savior. I got re-baptized this past Sunday, because I was struggling with some things and I wanted to get right with the Lord.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Wonderful, then I would recommend Night Lights.
Question - is your husband the leader of your home?
I only ask, because you say he is pretty reluctant when you have suggested things.

Does he have other Christian men in his life to encourage, equip and lift him up to the level God wants him to carry as a husband and father?

Just so you are not discouraged, everything I have read shows that only 4-8% of Christian couples pray together. Just means we need to make this a much higher priority in our marriages. No wonder the Evil One is attacking Christian marriages at such an alarming rate! Getting past your discomfort in praying together is one of the biggest obstacles. I used to write my prayers down on an index card during the day, then share them with my husband at night. Or, I would give him a card then ask him to pray for me about these things and tell him to give me one to pray with.
When you cuddle up in bed at night, hold each other tight, then pray together, there is nothing better.

sdplu3 · Newbie Joined: 28 Jun 2005 Posts: 6

Liz,

My husband and I went to an "I Still Do" conference for our anniversary one year. It was WONDERFUL!!! It was so informative, but in a humorous, fun-filled way. My husband, being the "manly man" he is, actually said he really enjoyed it.

It was a really nice way to spend our anniversary and to learn more about each other.

It lasts a whole day, and they even have entire weekend conferences. (I want to go to one of those next.)

I would highly recommend this conference for you and your husband. You won't regret it.

Laughing

webacus · Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 7:56 am Post subject:

Growthtrac has a list of excellent Conferences here:

http://www.growthtrac.com/events

... Including the FamilyLife I Still Do conferences.

liz · Newbie Joined: 12 Jul 2005 Posts: 21

I would like to know where I can get the "Teach Me How to Love You" I think Juanita Bryrum teaches that. I heard that she teaches woman how to be a proverbs 31. But I wanted to know if you ever heard her preach it? If so what did you think, and where would I be able to get it.

Jim · Posted: Wed Aug 10, 2005 4:14 pm Post subject:

Liz
Negative. I have not heard of her.

april_tucsonaz · Newbie Joined: 05 Oct 2005 Posts: 2 Location: Tucson, AZ

Being a wife is a hard job. And unless God is in the center of your marriage, in my expirence it wont last. Give your marriage to God and trust thim that he will keep you and your spouse together. that doesnt mean that you cant go and get professional help. That's why God puts those kinds of people in our lives. God wont help those who wont help themselves. God bless you and I will pray for you and for you marriage.

chrissy · Newbie Joined: 03 Nov 2005 Posts: 5

I really kind of disagree that marriages won't last if God isn't the center of them. Yes, GOD SHOULD BE THE CORE OF ALL MARRIAGES AND THE CENTER, but I believe that God has a plan for our lives (He hates divorce and I'm not talking about God planning a divorce) and His soveriegnty is something that we have to trust. I know many couples who have been unequally yoked (thus God was not the center of their marriage), one being a believer and the other not, and because of the dedication of the believer, even when divorce seemed imenant, God had a greater plan, the husband witnessed the wifes dedication and in the end they are still married. Isn't that a testament in its self. We are sinners, and Christ has forgiven us, but we have to remember that we are talking about God, the Creator of the Universe, of everything we know, and we have no control when we submitt ourselves completly to God. God hates divorce and it should not be an option in a believers life. Jesus does give reasons for divorce, but those aren't something that we should search for to end marriage. God will help us, even when we don't think we can do it. God gives us instructions in His word how to do it and He promises in Matt. 5, in doing this things that Jesus says should be our character, God blesses us. He's our guide our strength to do things that we think we cannot do. If you are down in the dirt, like the adultress who Jesus saw was being persucuted, He say "He who is without sin cast the first stone". Jesus didn't cast the stone, he showed her love, even when she wasn't looking for it or expecting it. God is our shelter, we can do nothing aside from Him. He is our satisfaction, Jesus was the greatest teacher of this. He lived by example, SHOULDN'T WE? Didn't the wife of the unbeliever I previously stated live by example, God heard her cry, used her as an example to her husband and HEALED THEIR MARRIAGE.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

2 Corinthians 6:14-15
14Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?15What harmony is there between Christ and Belial[a]? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?

I think this verse is pretty plain and clear. Kind of hard to ignore. When we give ourselves a picture of what was being explained here a yoke is the harness that attaches two oxen. Without it they cannot plow a field together. In marriage, it is pretty difficult to have a mutual direction/values/spiritual connection with God being a part of it.

My marriage consisted of different values, lack of oneness, little heart connection and little commitment without God. I would not recommend someone marrying another person who does not also have a commitment to Christ. Hoping and praying that they will "come around" is pretty dangerous. I know someone married for 32 years and her husband still has not given his life to Christ.

From my own experience, we lacked mutual direction, mutual commitment, we lacked spiritual connection and a marriage that God intended us to have. We didn't serve Him together, we didn't praise him together, we didn't worship together and we certainly did not listen to Christian music together. Being unequally yoked in my marriage was not pretty. It created nothing but strife.

I agree that there are times when a spouse will come around and eventually find Christ. It did happen with my husband. What I have personally witnessed with other friends and acquaintances is, that this is a very rare occurence.

We have a choice to be obedient to God's word, or ignore it. We can tell God that we know more than He does, we know what is better for us, we know he is wrong. But, if we really search scripture like we should, we know that answer is to have God be a part of marriage. If we proclaim to be a follower of Jesus Christ, we are being disobedient by marrying someone who is not.

If you want to read a very eye opening experience, pick up Lee and Leslie Strobel's Book - "Surviving a Spiritually Mismatched Marriage".

chrissy · Newbie Joined: 03 Nov 2005 Posts: 5

I agree, my point isn't marrying someone who isn't a believer, my point is if YOU HAVE, and God isn't the center of your marriage, your marriage is not going to end because He is not. He says "I have plans for you..." Christ came to be our forgiveness in marriage and while not married. God turns unbelieving spouses to believing spouses, when He has planned. To tell someone that there marriage is going to end is Dangerous and is not in accordance with the mindset of Phill. 4:4-9. I do very STRONGLY agree that believers should spare themselves from marrying an unbeliever, Jesus said so in His word, but in the world, it happens, I'm giving encouragement for the husband or wife that has become a believer, while their spouse has not.

We need to honor the Sovereignty of God and not say it's not going to happen that a spouse will not come around, THE ONLY ONE TO DECIDE THAT IS GOD Himself, and it has already been decided. We are called to be faithful to His word and obiedient and beyond that speculation is JUST speculation! Beyond that it is not uplifting to tell someone that it is unlikely their spouse is not going to come around, it is not praiseworthy, it is not true, not noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, you are telling them something that is in fact not what God is about. God says "give me control", Matt. 5:3 Poor in Spirit, without our self in control, giving God control because we know we can't handle it ourselves. Encourage them to pray, to seek first the kingdom of God, seek HIS JOY, HIS ENCOURAGEMENT in the word and if they Knock, the door WILL be answered. Who are we to say WHAT IS & WHAT IS NOT? Encourage one another in love and good things... not wordly statistics.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Help me out here - as I don't believe I ever said to tell a believing partner that their spouse will never come around. You're right that would not honor anyone, including God in the process.

I think I understood where you were going with this is - that you can have a good marriage without God being at the center. I agree, you probably can have a good marriage, but from my own personal experience, I did not have a good marriage because of the disconnect between us on a spiritual level. We didn't have a great marriage until we both devoted our lives to Jesus Christ.

Just because one spouse is a believer and one is not, does not mean the marriage is destined to end. The believer is to be committed to this marriage in all ways to honor God in the process.

I have a very dear friend whose husband became a believer 6 months after they married. He stayed committed to their marriage and it took 17 years before she gave her life to Christ. Was it a fun marriage, no. Was it a happy marriage, no. Is it rosy now that she is a believer, no. They have a lot to work through and stuff that is still very much a part of their painful past.

So, yes God is capable of those kinds of miracles. Marriage can be so much more when both are committed followers and there is a spiritual intimacy that can be shared. Thing is, many committed followers of Jesus Christ don't even recognize what spiritual intimacy can be like in their own marriages and only 4-8% actually pray together. It may very well be one of the reasons why divorce statistics are not that different between believers and non-believers. Adding Jesus to the mix does certainly does not guarantee a great marriage either. We have to be willing participants.

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