Married for 33 Years

SKD · Newbie Joined: 08 Sep 2007 Posts: 1 Location: Houston

My husband and I were married in 1974. We have two grown children with families. I have worked off and on during our marriage, but am currently caring for my grandson. When he starts school, I will return to the workforce outside the home. My husband has a demanding job, with long hours away from home. There has been tremendous stress in our marriage over the years, which he blames on his job. I have tried to be understanding. And, now, especially, I want to be there for him, but he has become controlling and sneaky. He plans things without asking me, and sneaks around with pettiness. Nothing major. It's kind of creapy. I have gotten so enraged that I scream like a banshee. It's embarrassing. He looks at me like I'm a crazy woman, but he's the one driving me nuts. It's almost like he's going through a male menopause of some kind. Every time I think he's going to be normal, he pulls the rug out from under me again. He gets mad over dumb things, and has to do everything his way. He invites people over and doesn't tell me they are coming. He won't go on a vacation with me unless he chooses the place. I could go on and on, but it's too sad to deal with. I have surmised, that either he is incensing me to die from my high blood pressure, or he's trying to get me to leave him, so he comes off looking like he's the innocent one, and I'm the nutball middle aged woman. So, to be stubborn, we are both staying and fighting it out. What can we do to get this straightened out, and avoid me leaving?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2064 Location: Chicago

It's time to go for Christian counseling.

I've been married 31 years. And, over time we can both get into pretty bad habits that drive each other nuts and get comfortable with the way we are. In other words, an unwillingness to change.

We've found that we need other Christian couples in our lives that hold us accountable for our marriage - and challenge us on things they see. They've been given permission to speak up when they see us treating each other in less than a loving manner.

You don't mention your relationship with Christ, but I'll ask - how's that been lately? When I don't spend time with Him daily through prayer, reading the word and journaling, my marriage suffers for it. When my heart is cold toward God and I'm not doing my best to stay in relationship with Him, my heart does not have the compacity to love with the energy of His love. Human love runs dry - God's love does not. I also see little in the way of the Fruits of the Spirit in myself - Galatians 5-22-23.

Am I bringing Love to my marriage?
Am I bringing Joy?
Am I bringing Peace ?
Am I showing Patience?
Am I showing Kindness?
Am I showing Goodness?
Am I showing Faithfulness?
Am I showing Gentleness?
Am I showing Self-Control?

We can become very critical of our spouses looking at their faults, character flaws and the things that irritate us. But, we fail to look at our own. We concentrate on the negative instead of the positive.

Matthew 7:3 (The Message) puts it this way -

"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

Matthew 7:3 (NIV) has another translation -

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

I'm not sure if you've threatened him with leaving, but it sounds like that.
At least you've thought about it. 33 years ago, you said this marriage was for life - remember that promise. It's not until I don't like you anymore. What would leaving accomplish and show your kids and your granchildren about commitment to your vows?

Get the counseling you need - make your marriage better. Stop the circle of craziness and make changes. Yes, you can both still change. What you might say is, "We are set in our ways." Quite frankly, that's an excuse. What we are set in is - our sinful ways. But, we can always change for the better and get out of our patterns of brokeness, anger and bitterness.

I can honestly say that I love my husband more today than the day I married him. I love his kisses and his touch. I love being with him and enjoying life together now. I love having time to be with him without the kids running around the house. We are finding new ways to have fun together.

I pray that you and your husband can get to that place again in your marriage. It's worth the effort and time to break the patterns that get under each other's skin.

Joblom1 · Full Member Joined: 22 Jun 2007 Posts: 57 Location: Mn.

That is great advice, I have found when i look at myself instead of C.B. and see my actions, I am the one who needs to change. When I reread my last post-it looks as if I need to get off the pity party boot, its not adout me. It is adout serving the other person in a gracious way. We can not change the other person, only our selves. God is the all powerful one. There is a certain amount of peace I feel when I am in the word. And then actually applying in my walk. We have been married for 39 yrs. We want our kids to look at us and see an example, and it certainly is in not quitting. God has a plan for this marriage and it means working together and enjoying what he has given us. Jo-jo

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2064 Location: Chicago

Ladies, I passionately love my husband of 31 years and I mean passionately. Wink

It wasnt' always this way - 20 years ago, I was ready to divorce.
But, I also found that my love was limited. I had to become passionately in love with Christ. At best, my love for Christ was lukewarm. Once that changed and I sought out Christ with all my heart (not just part of it) and when I made Him Lord of All, instead of Lord of a Little, my love and passion for my husband returned. Christ filled me with his love and passion, so that I could passionately love my husband again.

Do we still have our moments of disagreement, sure we do. Do we sometimes get under each others skin, of course. But it has truly become a marriage of serving each other - it wasn't that way our first 11 years together. It was more about how could he serve me instead of how could I serve him?

If you haven't read the book by Emerson Eggerichs called Love and Respect - run to the store to pick it up. Along with Every Woman's Marriage by Shannon Ethridge. It will bring you a whole new perspective.

Joblom1 · Full Member Joined: 22 Jun 2007 Posts: 57 Location: Mn.

Sam-Thank you for sharing that about the first part of your marriage. I loved C.B. the first time I met him and knew he was the one I would marry. He tells me many times a day that he does love me, but I have the hardest time now to tell him that I love him. What you wrote about having a lukewarm love for our heavenly Father, I need to ask myself if that is me or me not moving pass the affair. But I do understand that it will take time. I ptray daily that God will give me the love for my husband that I should have. We have started to do more things together and those are good days. The down days are getting less, but the pain is sometimes so strong. I do get so angry at myself for not seeing things during those years. I blame myself for not protecting our marriage and not asking the questions I should have been. And accepting to many things as status quo. You are so right, it takes two and lots of hard work. C.B. is trying and I see he looks at me in a different way. I need to accept when he tells me how he feels about me. Thats the hard part. Jo-jo

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2064 Location: Chicago

Joblom1 · Full Member Joined: 22 Jun 2007 Posts: 57 Location: Mn.

Sam Thank you. PART OF THE PROBLEM for C.B. was never dealing with his past relationship with this other woman. I am not giving him a pass, but never really knowing if he had a son. AND MAYBE IT was partly an excuse to call her. But I need to let go and quit 2nd guessing his choices. He has told me he is writing a letter for me and will start at the beginning. I just know for my mental and emotional health , I have to leave it in my heavenly Fathers hands. Enough said and thank you. I appreciate it. Jo-jo

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