Married 3 months and facing some hard realities

alabasterbox1 · Newbie Joined: 16 Apr 2007 Posts: 2

Hello. I have been searching for a community of people to speak to in regards to my situation. Honestly, I am afraid to tell my friends, who are mainly single, and who are prone to gossip. Here is the situation:
I am 29 yrs. old, and married a man who others spoke of very highly. We knew each other for 1 yr, dated another year, then engagement, then marriage. The problem: he told me that his status in this county is void, and he needs my help to make him legal. On one hand, I feel so stupid for not waiting and giving in to the pressure to get married, and feel stupid because I'm not sure if this man is with me because of me, or becuase of his status in this country. I believe he should take responsibility for his own actions, but that will adversely affect me, but if I comply and go along with his plane, I become a 'sponsor' for him. I'm writing a short version, so hopefully this is understood. So many things go through my mind, like how could I be such a desperate woman? Did others know about his situation and try to fix us up becuase they knew I would be gullible and fall for him?
So many feelings and thoughts bombard me daily, I really don't know how to treat him or how to think about our future. I live in Maryland, so any advice or a good lawyer to help me sort this out would be great.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 309 Location: In Prayer

Welcome, we're glad you are here.

Did you know about his residency status before you married or did he hide this from you?

alabasterbox1 · Newbie Joined: 16 Apr 2007 Posts: 2

Thank you for the welcome.

I knew he was in process. Others around him spoke of it, and at the time it wasn't a big deal - meaning, his status was positive. Then, when we got engaged, his church delayed in his paperwork, (again, making this very short) and he usually presented the situation to me as if it wasn't a problem, he'll take care of it. I have to admit, that he did begin to pressure about marriage, while I was saying let's wait a couple of years. I will also admit that I gave in to the pressuring, and also to some other wrong thinking and beliefs. So I take responsibility for my decisions. I admit I did search this out before we said I do, but he did not tell me until now that he was in a negative position, and that it was to the extent that it was. Im having a hard time dealing with some of this reality, and even the fact that I choose to do what I didn't want to do, and that was marry so soon in this relationship. I feel like a fool, and don't know how to move forward in a positive direction, becuase this is always on my mind. Many say that looking back you can't move forward, but geeeeze, how do I move forward in this? And sometimes I think, well, when we got married, he didn't know the full extent of my debt (another reason I communicated to him I wanted to wait) but he's willing to deal with it, so shouldn't I deal with this?
If I become his sponsor, our marriage no longer looks like a marriage for love, committment, etc. (which I think I was foolishly hoping) Our marriage looks like a marriage of convenience, just to help this man stay in this country.
When I bring it up to him, about how the revelation of all of this upsets me and makes me think his pressuring to get married was becuase of this situation, he TRYS to reverse the conversation, laying a guilt trip, and then saying what we will not be able to do in the future if I don't sponsor him.
This wouldn't be such a problem for me if he took responsibility for his status, and moved forward for himself. This would show me that he didn't marry me for my citizenship or to rescue him, but when I present it in that light, he gets defensive. I HATE taking responsibility for someone else, especially at this magnitude. I feel used and unloved and uncared for. So, what would Jesus do? Turn the other cheek and as a wife, sponsor my husband, or stand my ground, and even if the consequences limit our future, don't become his sponsor?
(Im not REALLY asking for an answer -- thanks for listening.)

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 309 Location: In Prayer

It might be a good idea to meet with your pastor or counselor to talk these feelings through. When we are in deep distress, not knowing direction and cannot get our feet out of the knee deep mud - it's time to get some Godly wisdom.

I would guess that you love this man because you married him. You can give him the benefit of the doubt that his motives are pure or you can doubt or condemn. He might be looking for your trust - not easy.

You have the opportunity to work through some deep and troubling issues or run from them. I believe if you hang in there and take small steps toward him and helping him, you will honor your husband.

I'm not saying there wasn't deception. There very well could be, but what if there isn't and this man really does love you deeply.

	Growthtrac Community Forum Index -> Seriously Dating, Engaged, and Pre-Married	All times are GMT - 6 Hours
Page 1 of 1