marriage

drr · Newbie Joined: 06 Dec 2006 Posts: 2

I have been dealing with a crisis for the last year. My husband had an affair with a coworker which ended this spring. We have been in counseling but it has not worked. The counselor feels neither one of us wants to make the first move to change. Now we are starting individual counseling to work on our individual needs. We have been married 16 yrs. and have 2 kids ages 12 and 14. I feel that my husband does not feel that he needs to be accountable. He feels sorry but is not doing anything (that I think) is getting me to trust him. I have come to realize that I have to make a choice. I feel that even if I change (he feels i am very closed up and have neglected him) he will never change. I am a christian, he is not. We are still under the same roof but don't really interact with each other. I am so confused and afraid to move.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

Your counselor has given you advice.
Neither one of you wants to take it.

You have to ask yourself -
Who is going to win the game and what will it cost to win?

I am sorry your husband chose this path. It is painful and not easy by any means. You have been deeply hurt to the core of your being. There is nothing he can say or do that will make the hurt go away. But, there is something you can do - pray each day how God wants you to handle this situation and how you can reflect Christ back to your husband.

He desperately needs to see Christ's reflection in you. He is operating with things of this world as his guide - you are not. With a counselors help, on your own, you may be able to work through healing and forgiveness. How you reflect this back to your husband may make all the difference in the world in how he rsponds back to God.

Easy to do no - absolutely not. Does God want you to repond to your husband in this manner - probably so.

I am ultimate recommender of books - so please consider picking up "Every Heart Restored by Stephen Arterburn. It will help you walk through this journey.

Do you have a right to leave your husband? Of course you do. He has violated your marriage vows. Again, you have to ask yourself, what will the cost be?

I have lifted you and your marriage up in prayer this morning. This is not an easy road and it's a painful one, but I believe God is beside you every step of the way. Do you trust Him to work this out even when it seems insurmountable?

drr · Newbie Joined: 06 Dec 2006 Posts: 2

Thank for the reply. I will look for the book. I will continue to pray. Yes its a hard road and it's hard to see the pain on my kids. I feel so torn. I feel that even if I change he will never be trustworthy. I don't know if he can change his womanizing ways.

foenyxhealing · Newbie Joined: 03 Dec 2006 Posts: 7

I am so sorry. My husband and I are just starting down the road to recovery ourselves. We have the first session w/ a faith based counselor tomorrow.

What I am learning is that whatever changes I make can only be me. The Lord can work through me, but I can only change myself. I have hopes and expecations, but ultimately the changes are starting with me. Already, and it has only been a few days since I found out, I am finding peace through prayer and reading the travels others here have taken through experiences like this.

But, for me, the key is knowing I can only change myself. All I can do for my husband is pray for him to find his own way.

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