Marriage of God?!

tamm32 · Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 6:05 pm Post subject: Marriage of God?!

What do you do if you feel your marriage isnt of God? Like God didnt ordain your marriage. I'm not sure if I feel this way because I believe this or its because of the magnitude of problems, pain and heartache that has accured in my marriage. I'm sure if its because of the problems then no one's marriage would be of God....I havent done everything perfect/right in my marriage but what has been occuring is tiring me out and I'm not sure how much more I can take. Considering divorce....

Crying or Very sad

tamm32 · Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 6:07 pm Post subject:

also sometimes I wonder if I would be better off not being married to my husband. He loves me very much and he's a great man but things are hard right now. He might just be better off with someone else. I am fine never dating or marrying again.

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

Marriage is an Earthly commitment. It is a bond made between you, God and your husband. If you feel like giving up on your husband that's fine, but know that you are giving up on a commitment to God, as well. There is a bit of similari†y between the Trinity and the bond of marriage. You support your spouse, they support you and you both mirror and bear witness to God's power here on Earth.

There are days when I feel like those that chose a celebate lifestyle and marry themselves to the will of God made the better choice. God will never let you down, but even then, you have to be listening and doing your part.

I am at my best peace when I listen and serve others, without anticipating return action. I am off kilter when I start chalking up points. I did the dishes, mowed the lawn, made the bed and worked 40 hours this week, what did you do? My husband will never measure up...at the time I am expecting it, but when he comes through and I am not...it's magic. I tend to throw pity parties when I think about my needs too much...

I think about people in history that have served as examples...There are so many people that were doing the right thing and didn't get what they deserved, but they kept on doing the right thing...Life isn't always easy, but when you cut it to the quick and simplistic view ask yourself, am I safe, am I loved, do I have the basics of life? If you can say yes to one of these things...you are greatly blessed, because there are so many that have nothing and yet they praise the Lord. Your child will probably not be hungry tonight and you will probably have shelter. You are blessed.

Take your energies and focus them on what you can do to bless others and you will be amazed at the change in your life. If you can't manage this on your own, go to the church, talk about your feelings with a trusted mentor, pastor, etc... and ask where your can make the most difference. It's not a give so you can get, but the truth is it always comes back to you ten-fold.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 309 Location: In Prayer

tamm32 · Posted: Thu Dec 27, 2007 9:12 am Post subject:

WOW! I just happened to click on this part of the board and saw this posting that I posted some time ago.... as I was reading my posting I thought - WOW, I was certainly in my feelings and emotional this day to have said I was considering divorce. Please excuse my french but I would be a complete fool to divorce my husband.... I cant even begin to tell you how much my husband is God's will for me...although he sometimes gets on my nerves. Smile

I must have been really, really in my feelings and the enemy was having a feild day with my mind when I posted the above posting. Lord I ask for your forgivness right now in the name of Jesus. Amen....

Ladies.... take it from me....get your emotions under control - dont let them control you!

Thank God for growth in HIM!

rdsmith3 · Full Member Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 289 Location: NJ

Well praise God for that! There are lots of married people who should heed your advice.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 309 Location: In Prayer

Thank you Lord that you have saved another marriage from destruction. We are so grateful you have let us know you are doing better.

We can think pretty negatively, at times, of the gift God has given us in our spouses. Sometimes a gift we don't exactly appreciate or see eye-to-eye with! And... yes, that gets on our nerves. Laughing

I've been reading through a book that SAM mentioned called Finding Ever After. Something the author has said that has really stuck with me is - if you both think the same, say the same things, do the same things, have the same emotions - one of you isn't necessary. You and your spouse are not meant to be the same person. God didn't create you that way.

Elligirl · Full Member Joined: 28 Dec 2007 Posts: 107

I know God put me and my husband together. We had been married 8 years when I found out he was having an affair with another woman. Then he came and told me he wanted a divorce. He has moved back and forth between us ever since. He knows our marriage is of God but has formed a soul bond with this other woman. Will all of you that read this pray with me that thier soul bond will be broken and when he comes home the next time she will be out of our lives forever. God is a wonderful God. I have prayed about all this and feel God is working it out. Pray also that I can be the Godly wife I need to be and truely forgive and forget. Please pray with me today.

learninglife · Newbie Joined: 02 Jan 2008 Posts: 6

Elligirl... Thanks for sharing. I know it's not easy, and you're probably desperate for answers. Desperation is not bad. It can bring us to the end of ourselves. Less than three years ago, I experienced a similar situation. The devastation is impossible to explain to anyone. Even though my husband never left and realized early on that his involvement with the other woman was strictly a fantasy, it still cut to the deepest part of my soul.

I don't know how long you've known about this affair or what steps you've taken thus far. In the past three years I've read many, many books on this subject. I almost dislike recommending reading books because it seems so impersonal but in this format I don't know how else to try to help. In my situation I had no one to talk to, so I read books and was helped immensely. In your situation, where your husband is confused and going back and forth, I would recommend Dr. Willard Harley's book called Surviving An Affair. In his book he talks about steps you, the faithful spouse, can take to help the wayward spouse come to decision. Until he decides what he's going to do, you could be left hanging in pain for a long time. Dr. Harley tells how you need to protect your own emotions and at the same time let your husband know he needs to choose his course. You cannot live with him wavering between two women. Harley explains how you set the agenda, not him.

Again, recommending books is not something I'm really comfortable with but this one is fairly comprehensive and pointed toward your situation. Dr. Harley is a Christian, in case that is important to you. He does use behavioral techniques to get resolution to problems. I think this can be useful when one or both spouses are spiritually struggling and not able to accept God as the source for answers and healing. In my case, we were both struggling spiritually even though we had been Christians for many years. As I look back now, I believe that God led us each step along the path to recovery and healing... that includes the many books we read. God's grace has brought us to a place where our marriage is stronger now than it ever was in the previous 24 years before the affair. In no way am I recommending affairs. But there can be life on the other side. It takes a lot of work and a lot of pain and a lot of dying to self. The results on the other side of recovery and healing are worth it.

I'm open to any communication you'd might want. Willing to help if I can...

Elligirl · Full Member Joined: 28 Dec 2007 Posts: 107

I have been a christian since I was 14. My husband got saved about 9 years ago just before we met. The affair has went on over a year, I found out last August until that time he was home with me. He has told me this time that when she leaves it will be over with but she has left before and he always went back and got her. He was with her long enough to form a soul bond and now feels a need to take care of her. She is not a good person and when I found out about the affair and was tested I found out I had an STD that was caused from her having multiple sexual parners at one time. My husband does not believe that is the case because she said it wasn't. Satan has him held in bondage and all I can do is pray. God has actually given me more love than ever for my husband. I feel God has directed me to hang on to Calvin and has made it to where I do not seem to have a choice. I can not talk to people because everyone tells me to get over this and go on with my life. I need prayer for Calvins release from the soul ties and the bondage. When I see him and ask him not to leave again it hurts him so much to leave me that he gets angry at me for the pain it causes him to go. He has told me he loves me more than anything in the world but is confused about his feelings for her because he feels he loves her too, but knows he needs to be with me and leave her alone. Please I beg of you pray for us both, it is the only thing that can be done. God is able.

Elligirl · Full Member Joined: 28 Dec 2007 Posts: 107

I have been a christian since I was 14. My husband got saved about 9 years ago just before we met. The affair has went on over a year, I found out last August until that time he was home with me. He has told me this time that when she leaves it will be over with but she has left before and he always went back and got her. He was with her long enough to form a soul bond and now feels a need to take care of her. She is not a good person and when I found out about the affair and was tested I found out I had an STD that was caused from her having multiple sexual parners at one time. My husband does not believe that is the case because she said it wasn't. Satan has him held in bondage and all I can do is pray. God has actually given me more love than ever for my husband. I feel God has directed me to hang on to Calvin and has made it to where I do not seem to have a choice. I can not talk to people because everyone tells me to get over this and go on with my life. I need prayer for Calvins release from the soul ties and the bondage. When I see him and ask him not to leave again it hurts him so much to leave me that he gets angry at me for the pain it causes him to go. He has told me he loves me more than anything in the world but is confused about his feelings for her because he feels he loves her too, but knows he needs to be with me and leave her alone. Please I beg of you pray for us both, it is the only thing that can be done. God is able.

learninglife · Newbie Joined: 02 Jan 2008 Posts: 6

Would you clarify this point... Did you divorce him when he asked you to? Are you divorced today?

Secondly, soul bonds are "flesh" bonds. The myth that a soul bond is something special or rare or magical destroys many marriages. It is a myth. "Soul ties" came in with the new age movement 30 years ago. It is a lie from the father of lies. We develop bonds with people because they meet certain needs we have. We as created human beings have emotional and physical needs. If God is not our source for the fulfillment of these needs we look for humans to fulfill them. In this case with the other woman, as long as contact is maintained with her and she has the opportunity to meet his needs (whatever they are), the bond between the two of them will remain. Most experts will tell you that a "NO CONTACT" rule has to be implemented in order for the emotional/physical connection to be broken. Unless he is willing to have no contact with her, he'll continue in his cycle of confusion. He's getting needs met by her and by you, thus the revolving door of coming and going. His "fog" will continue until he stops trying to have a relationship with both women. Even then it will take some time for her influences on him to be diminished. (Unless God miraculously heals his emotions, which I'm sure can happen.) What is the right thing to do? If you both believe God put you together, that belief should be what motivates both of you. He has to decide to end his contact with the other woman and rebuild his relationship with you.

Love is not magic. If he feels love for this woman, it is because he allowed it to be cultured inside his heart by what was said and done between the two of them. How do we "fall out of love"? The same thing happens, only in reverse. We allow it by neglect or damaging actions on one or both parts.

On the point of you forgiving and forgetting... Forgiveness is the key to recovery. I strongly believe that. Forgetting will be impossible because your brain will retain the information. Time will help, but forgiveness is the key. You will always remember the facts, but forgiveness will enable you to live without anger and revenge. Only Christ in you will help you be the wife that God intends. It's God's forgiveness flowing through you toward him that will enable you to move into the next phase.

One last point... you might consider that he understand this "no contact" rule before he moves back in with you (if you're still married). That he not only understand it, but he verbally commits to you that that is what he will do. Even better, that he commits it to God and asks God to remove her influences from his heart and that he will depend on God to do it in him because our flesh is weak, but God is strong in our weaknesses.

learninglife · Newbie Joined: 02 Jan 2008 Posts: 6

The people telling you to "get over it and get on with your life" are not helping you at this point. If your heart is telling you to "hang on", then do it! They are not walking in your shoes. (in my opinion)

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

Elligirl,

There are some other things that need to happen. Keep praying. Know that this sin has to be exposed and that you need to get past this yo-yo string marriage.

There have to be parameters for any relationship. Adultery breaks the parameters of ANY marriage. Your husband chooses to not see this. If he intends to break the cycle, it must be a CLEAN break. Never see her again, never talk to her again, and never replace you with her again. No communication, regardless. Sorry, but it really has to be that cold-hearted. Now, its going to be much more difficult to enforce that. In his mind, you don't really mean it, because you have let it slide, way past the initial discovery.

The Bible would call for you to first discuss with your husband the sins committed against you. If he refuses to listen or acknowledge then it is permissible for you to involve others, preferably Christian men, to confront him on your behalf. If he refuses to listen to them or to disregard council, you take it before your church. (Matthew 18:15-17) Sin rarely likes exposure.

You must forgive and get on with your life. Jesus calls for us to forgive others and his father will forgive us likewise. That is the hardest to do. Remember, you perceive a speck in your husband's eye, but can easily overlook the beam in your own.

I feel for you. There are a lot of emotions that will need to be dealt with over the next few years to heal this relationship. Understandably, you are going to deal with all sorts of anger, hurt, and insecurities. He will likely mourn a relationship and at the same time need to put renewed effort into a relationship with your. There will also be a heap of shame and self evaluation that won't make him very happy at times. Heading forward in Christ will be the only answer. Both of you are going to need large quantities of peace and understanding.

Elligirl · Full Member Joined: 28 Dec 2007 Posts: 107

We are not still married. He has promised this time there will be no more contact, but he has promised that before. She will start calling him on his cell phone and he would give in an answer after about the third call. She would leave voice mails telling him how much she loves him. I feel prayer is the only thing that can help. Please pray.

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