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Elligirl
Full Member
Joined: 28 Dec 2007
Posts: 94
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 Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 9:42 am Post subject: |
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Thank you so much for your prayers. i know you are right that he has to make up his own mind. (my husband) has the best heart of anyone I know. I had a friend who is also a pastors wife tell me after she met him the first time that she felt he could accomplish much for the cause of Christ. I love (my husband), God gave him to me to love and therefor I can not stop what I feel. If anything God has increased my feelings since all this happened. I hurt greatly but feel God has been working on my heart also. Please continue to pray it is the only thing that helps.
* Edited by Moderator. Please do not use real names. |
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charity1
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Joined: 07 Jan 2008
Posts: 117
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| Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 10:11 am Post subject: |
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| I understand completely about your love being even stronger now. The same thing happened to me. I truly believe that has to be from God. Human nature is to detest someone who betrays us, but with a spouse, it is different. You promised to love, honor and cherish your husband, and you are wanting to keep your end of the bargain, even though he didn't keep his, and you can do that, but you can do it from afar until he gets his act together. He needs tough love right now. Once he sees your resolve and self-respect, he will respect you more. Hang in there! |
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Elligirl
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Joined: 28 Dec 2007
Posts: 94
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| Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 1:39 pm Post subject: |
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She left yesterday to go and help some of her family move at least that was the story. I don't know what is going on in (my husband's) mind. I'm sure she will be back. We live in a really small town where everyone knows everyone elses business, it makes this so much harder. (my husband) is the home town boy and I am the outsider. Not that people defend him just the opposite.
I so much want a resolution to this I miss my Honey and need him back home. It seems every day they spend together they get stronger and I get weaker.
Please pray for a quick resolution to this. That God will shake up (my husband's) world till he turns back to the Lord. I spoke earlier of (my husband) having a good heart and that is part of the problem, she has so convinced him that she needs to be cared for. That no one has ever loved her or given her a chance. Yet she told me one time she liked her life just the way it is and does not want to change.
(my husband)does not like me to cry or get upset because then he feels bad about what he is doing to me and how much he hurts me. I feel I should be his primary concern but it is not so. Please pray for me. Pray that he will see her for what she truly is before she destroys both (my husband) and me.
* Edited by Moderator. Please do not use real names. |
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charity1
Full Member
Joined: 07 Jan 2008
Posts: 117
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| Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 8:52 am Post subject: |
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When you talk about how (your husband) doesn't want you to cry, it makes him feel guilty, but then his concern is more for her than for you, that is what I meant when I said he has to hit rock bottom. I thought my husband's affair was over 5 months before it actually was. During that time I didn't know it was a physical relationship, I had been convinced by both of them it was just a "friendship". I knew the friendship was very inappropriate in that he had pulled away from me, and she had become his best friend. I think I knew deep down it was more, but I wasn't willing to let myself believe it. Like you say about (your husband) , my husband has a very good heart and was considered a great man who would never do a thing like this. We had been married 30 years, and he had never done anything like this before. During those 5 months I cried a lot because I realized I wasn't the special one in his life anymore, and that was betrayal enough. Looking back, I know he didn't feel anything when he saw my tears. In order to live with himself, he had to magnify all my faults in his mind and focus on how routine our life was. We had a good marriage until she came along. She confided in him about all her marital problems (real and made up) and let him know she wanted a man like him, not like her husband. Like the woman in (your husband's) life, the woman in my husband's life was very needy - she depended on him. He was her knight in shining armor. That is how so many men are taken in. They are rescuers at heart. Like you have pointed out yourself, you are just going to have to let this play out until he sees her for what she really is, and then he will realize what a mistake he has made, and in the process, he needs to be worried that he has lost you. Hopefully then he will have hit bottom. My guess is that this woman is trying to prove her own desirability and trying to feel loved. At first I was furious at the other woman, but after talking to her, I felt nothing but sadness. She has very low self esteem and the only way she can feel good about herself is to have undivided attention from men. It is such a shame because she is married to a good man, she just can't see anything but his faults. He can't give her undivided attention because he has a life where he has to work. Since my husband came to his senses, he has discovered a lot of facts about his fantasy partner that makes him feel like a complete fool now. He realizes it wasn't all about him, it was really about her. All an extramarital affair is is a fantasy. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship or a perfect partner. (your husband) will see that eventually. I don't know how long his affair has been going on, but everything I've read says it takes 18 months to 2 years for the newness to wear off in a relationship. It took my husband almost 18 months. If (your husband)isn't able to run home whenever he wants to, that might speed things up a little. Everyday life with everyday problems will rip the rose-colored glasses off pretty quick!
* Edited by Moderator. Please do not use real names. |
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Elligirl
Full Member
Joined: 28 Dec 2007
Posts: 94
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| Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 9:59 am Post subject: |
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| My best guess is that it has been going on about 13-14 months. I just found out a job he had interviewed for was given to someone else. There will be first of the month bills that he will be unable to pay, he will turn to me to do so and I can not. I know he will get mad at me but I can not keep up two households especially two like this. Please pray that God shorten the time for me. Thanks |
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greenwidow
Full Member
Joined: 14 Aug 2006
Posts: 112
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| Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 1:25 pm Post subject: Whoa.... |
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| Did I read that right? Your husband would ask you for money to pay the bills that he and his mistress are accumulating? Wow! I am just totally shocked. You are married and you are taking care of the bills of one house while his resources have been openly going to the support of another woman? I hope that I am just confused. |
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Elligirl
Full Member
Joined: 28 Dec 2007
Posts: 94
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| Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 2:56 pm Post subject: |
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No you are not confused. I found out before he left I had already been paying about $300 a month on a credit card most of which was being spent on her. Also the month before I found out about the affair he had bought her a ring. She wears it on her left ring finger.
(my husband) and I are supposed to talk tonight. I love my husband very much and want our marriage to work. I feel God put us together and has instructed me to wait upon Gods timing to bring us back together.
I know most people think I am crazy but I feel and see God using this to refine both of our lives for Himself. Satan is running rampant but God is still in control.
Please pray for me tonight and that God will touch (husband's) heart as never before.
* Edited by Moderator. Please do not use real names. |
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SAM
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Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1858
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 6:03 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | If (your husband) isn't able to run home whenever he wants to, that might speed things up a little. |
This is a very keen observation and very true.
There is something taking place between the two of you or a signal that he believes his behavior is acceptable. He believes that he can ask you for money and get it. He can call you at anytime you will answer. Can he come home and have sex too?
There comes a point when you should not be a doormat to the desires of your husband. Complacency and acceptance of being treated poorly will destroy your marriage - not help it. You are stripping yourself of dignity and self-respect. You are sending him the message that you can't make it without him - well that's simply not true. You are a beautiful and lovely woman in Christ. That is where your self-worth it to be found. Not in a man who leaves you for another woman, then expects you to pay his bills.
What nerve!!
Just keep loving your man and he will come to his senses is pure and simple nonsense. He is showing you that he has absolutely no respect for you by his actions. If he is such a good and loving man, he would not be sleeping with another woman.
It's like you're saying - (This is a quote from Jim Dobson's book called - Love Must Be Tough)
I understand why you need the other woman. My goodness, I am so riddled with flaws that it's no wonder you went looking for someone else. You should see the list of my own stupidities. Let me propose a course of action: Go off and work on your other relationship for awhile while I work on myself. Spend our money foolishly if you wish, and I'll get along somehow. Maybe I can take in some extra work to make ends meet. Drop over anytime, and I'll meet your needs anytime you wish. Bring your dirty laundry too. I'll try and keep the conversation light and not let it get too heavy so you don't feel you are doing anything wrong. And, maybe sometime you can bring your ladyfriend with so I can meet her. I'll bet she's a sweetheart.
This is like buying booze for an alcoholic or drugs for a junkie. It is weak love! It is disastrous!
You must appear calm and assured. The key word is confidence, and it is of maximum importance. Your manner, your words and how you hold your head should say, "I believe in me. I am no longer afraid. I can cope, regardless of the outcome. God and I can handle whatever life puts in my path." I would NOT share these words with him, but this is how you should feel about yourself. Keep him guessing about the change he sees in you.
You must appear calm and assured and don't be so predictable. One of the reasons men lose interest is, the "challenge" is gone.
Unless there is business to be conducted, do not telephone him. But, if there is an absolute reason, keep things to the point and with no small talk. Hang up when your business is done.
The cat and mouse games need to stop.
This is an awesome book with awesome advice and totally worth getting.
Stop letting him come home.
Stop paying his bills.
Stop sleeping with him.
Change your phone number.
Change the locks on your doors.
Hold your ground because it will confuse him and may anger him. He'll think in a week or two you will give in and beg him to come home - don't. He will be watching you for signs of weakness or strength. Respect hangs in the balance - his respect for you.
This in no way advocates divorce. Be patient, be loving and do not seek revenge. Then trust God to work on your husband's heart. But please, please dear sister in Christ, do not be a doormat any longer. |
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Elligirl
Full Member
Joined: 28 Dec 2007
Posts: 94
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| Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 12:35 pm Post subject: |
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All is well and will be as it is supposed to be God is already working in (my husband's) Heart. I am not the same as I was. My heart was turned around over night. God is now in control of the whole situation. I turned it over to Him so I no longer have any decisions to make nothing else to do. A weight has been lifted from me. Please keep me in your prayers. I will keep you updated as God moves. Thank you all for being here with me and that you for caring. Please continue to pray and let us watch as God works.
* Edited by Moderator. Please do not use real names. |
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SAM
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Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1858
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 12:53 pm Post subject: |
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| I will continue to keep you and your marriage in my prayers. |
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Elligirl
Full Member
Joined: 28 Dec 2007
Posts: 94
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 1:58 pm Post subject: |
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(my husband) came back home Monday. I think they both knew it would not work. She wanted to go back to what she knew and he told me he told her he was tired and wanted to get his life back in order. I believe he is still in contact with her because he promised me some things he is not willing to carry out yet. I had turned all this over to God so I am trying to keep my hands out of it. I got him a job where he worked before which was a miracle in its self. But he has lost his rank and seniority and is upset about that. Plus he will have to work nights which is not good because we will not see much of each other.
Please pray that God will continue to work on his heart.
* Edited by Moderator. Please do not use real names. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1858
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 2:08 pm Post subject: |
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So glad to hear he is back home.
It's important that he end all contact with her. I pray that you will be able to get counseling with your pastor or a Christian counselor so that you can deal with the issues that need to be peeled back and discussed to restore your marriage to healthiness and wholeness.
Yeah God for your faithfulness and goodness. |
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Elligirl
Full Member
Joined: 28 Dec 2007
Posts: 94
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 2:21 pm Post subject: |
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| Thank you Sam. I know that all contact needs to be ended. I ask you to pray for that with me. Unless God build a house all that labor is in vain. Pray God Himself will put her out of our lives. God is able and His ways are for good, when He puts her out she will not come back. I feel he is working now to accomplish all. Thank you Heavenly Father for your mercy, kindness and faithfulness. |
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Elligirl
Full Member
Joined: 28 Dec 2007
Posts: 94
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 1:44 pm Post subject: |
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The other woman has continued to call (my husband) and tell him she loves him. She is supposed to be leaving the state and (my husband) says she has, however I have heard all that before.
(my husband) called me about 2 hours ago saying he was at home but had called from his cell phone. After we hung up I remembered something I forgot to tell him and called him back on the home phone. He wasn't there. After he called he turned his cell phone off and now I can't call him. That is what he would always do when he was with her.
Please pray with me that God will get (my husband's) attention in a great and mighty way one that he will never forget. And that God will draw him closer to himself than ever before.
please pray
* Edited by Moderator. Please do not use real names. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1858
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 2:31 pm Post subject: |
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| I have prayed for you this afternoon and for your husband. |
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