Marriage of God?!

learninglife · Newbie Joined: 02 Jan 2008 Posts: 6

How about a new cell phone number? unlisted... That's what we had to do. She never called him again. The other woman has to be given the message that he's done with her! over and over again...

I agree wholeheartedly with everything greenwidow expressed in the previous post to this one. Exposure to the right people could have an impact. The light of day helped in our case.

How willing is he to seek out help? Education helped us a lot... we had no idea how to deal with the whole mess, what in the world were we to do, never having faced these horrific events before. Education helped quite a bit especially in the beginning stages when we were both reeling from the pain of it all. It was a different kind of pain for each of us and understanding the other's pain was helpful. Does he understand how much you hurt? Perhaps not, since he continues to vacillate.

Elligirl · Full Member Joined: 28 Dec 2007 Posts: 120

I ask about counciling but he doesn't want to go. I thing he is ashamed.He told me this last time he went "please don't tell anybody I don't want them to know how stupid I am" . When I see him he can tell how much pain I am in especially when he starts to leave. It makes him feel so bad he starts screeming at me especially if I start to cry and telling me if I don't stop he will never come back. He knows I'll do almost anything to keep that from happening. I am 55 years old he will soon be 57. We need help so very much. He is seeing a phycologist. I am supposted to go with him for his next appointment on the 8th. Please continue to pray.

learninglife · Newbie Joined: 02 Jan 2008 Posts: 6

Sounds to me like he's hurting pretty bad himself. Shame is obviously a common feeling for the betrayer, as well as the betrayed. God isn't shaming either one of you. He loves and forgives. He knows how weak we really are. Because adultery is so "shamed" by our society in general, not to mention our churches, it is a subject that is not talked about openly if at all. Because it's looked at as such a "horrible sin" we feel even worse. The Bible does not differentiate between sins. Christ died to forgive all sins. The sin of spiritual pride is no different than the sin of adultery. Except that adultery can be seen more clearly and fixed. Spiritual pride is easily hidden and can go on for years and keep us from living the life God intends for us. It even hurts those around us in deep ways and we don't even know it's happening. It robs us of life.

Is his counseling helping? I have a bad attitude, I will admit, when it comes to counseling. I read a statistic that said that only about 15% of marital counseling actually helps... according to the couples being counseled. My own anecdotal experience is that most couples I know that have gone to counseling have not been helped. The Christian psychologist that our own pastor recommended (that we did not go see) we found out later was going through a divorce. So... it's not a sure cure by any means.

Is the counselor he is seeing a marital counselor? Does the counselor understand the ramifications of infidelity and how it is dealt with? Is the counselor committed to saving the marriage? Many are not. They want the individual to feel good about themselves, yet don't try to save the marriage.

My opinion about telling people is that you can talk to people who you feel would be able to help you. I've learned the hard way that telling people just so that you can feel some kind of validation about what you're going through is not helpful. Gossip by immature people hurt us considerably, which was very disheartening because we only talked to leadership people in our church. Too many people found out. The shame and embarrassment became too hard to deal with. It ended up isolating us and we left the church. That wasn't necessarily a bad deal though. God has taken us to new places we wouldn't have been able to go if we had stayed. But that's my story, not yours.

I really do feel for what you're going through. We are also a couple in our 50's. We were married for 24 years when it happened to us.

Elligirl · Full Member Joined: 28 Dec 2007 Posts: 120

no its not a marriage counciler he is seeing. I believe he is in pain because of the pain he is causing me, but at the same time he is in pain over her. The first time she left him he came to the house crying his heart out over her. He never cries over me or the hurt he has caused me only gets mad at me for his feelings of guilt. He has ask me time and time again to please be patient with him that this is just something he has to do, yet he also tells me he knows that we belong together and that we will be together again. He will tell her in front of me that he loves her, but will only tell me that when she can not hear him. If he is at my house he leaves his cell phone on day and night and next to his bed at night but when he is with her he keeps his cell phone off so I can not call him. She stays in trouble alot because of her drinking and one night a man put her out on the side of the road and she didn't know where she was she called him to the rescue and he went even though she had been with another man. I heard later that he was telling her he loved her and was going to leave me again and come back to her. Which is what he did that next night. He refers to her as his last fling and tells me when it is over he will be a faithful and true husband the rest of his life. At this point I really don't know what to believe except Satan has him in a web (which is how he describes his situation) and he has been unable to break free. I really feel he wants to be free of it. As I said I need people to help me pray for him. I feel at this point in his life he can not pray for himself. Please pray that he will be set free from this bondage of sin.

learninglife · Newbie Joined: 02 Jan 2008 Posts: 6

I will pray. Seeing the light is not easy sometimes when we're so far down in the hole. A change of heart from God is what he needs. I think your taking him back repeatedly may be adding to his confusion.

How are you holding up through all this? Isn't it terribly emotionally draining and hurtful? Perhaps God is holding you up. I believe in that. I couldn't see or feel God much during my recovery. I had to have answers "right now!"... and He didn't miraculously heal everything at once. Now I know He was very close the whole time. I was the one who needed to change and get to know Him more intimately. However, I do realize that you are not in recovery. You're still in the middle of the tangled mess.

Elligirl · Full Member Joined: 28 Dec 2007 Posts: 120

He knows how much I love him and knows I will always be there. I don't feel I have a choice. I also feel God has told me to wait and trust in Him for results. I really only want God's will in my life and pray for that continually. I have also felt God show me that if I let go my husband will be lost forever Satan will have won. At one point I felt God was asking me to decide what a soul was worth. Would I give up my happiness for a little while so he could gain a soul for his kingdom. This has been a very hard time in my life and my faith is all that will bring me through.

Elligirl · Full Member Joined: 28 Dec 2007 Posts: 120

Calvin came home again last night. Please help me in my prayer that this relationship with the other woman is over with for good and that we can have the marriage that God intented us to have. A marriage that God is in. That our commitment to each oter will be Christ centerd and no man woman or child can destroy it or ever separate us again. That our love for each other will continue to grow and be stronger than ever. Till death do us part.

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 157

I know that you want to be there for your husband and that God is putting the strong love for your husband in your heart so that you can overcome this problem, but I have to tell you from experience that letting him come and go as he wishes is only adding to his confusion. I have recently gone through the trauma of finding out about my husband's infidelity as well. I know how much it hurts and how desperate you are to save your marriage, but from my understanding of God's word, sexual immorality is the only grounds for divorce, so I don't believe God frowns on separation for a time so that a straying spouse can come to their senses. When I found out about my husband's affair (with a woman from church) that had been going on for over a year, I told him we needed to separate until he could work through his confusion and make a choice. I let him know that I loved him but that I wasn't going to live like that anymore - either he loved me and wanted me, or he didn't. He never left. After he realized I wasn't going to beg him to stay and actually realized I was willing to let him go, he decided I was the one he wanted. We left the church we were attending, and he has not had contact with the other woman in over 10 months, and our marriage is thriving. He met with the preacher of the church we are now attending several times and talked, and I went to Christian counseling for several months. We both realized what we almost lost and are determined to fix what was wrong. We had been married for 30 years when the affair happened, so we had deep roots. It wasn't until after I had given him this ultimatum that I read Dr. James Dobson's book, "Love Must Be Tough" and realized that I had done exactly what I should have done. He warns that a man is usually feeling trapped in a marriage when he gives into sexual temptation, so if the wife clings and begs him to stay, she is making him feel more trapped. Once he feels set free, and understands he has a choice, he realizes he is actually where he wants to be. He has a chance to feel the fear of losing you. Right now there is no reason for him to fear that. My advice and Dr. Dobson's advice is, don't cling or be needy. Work on yourself and your own self worth. God doesn't make any junk. You are made in His image and you deserve better than you are getting. The sin of adultery is mentioned over and over in the Bible. I really don't believe God intends for us to live like that. As far as worrying about your husband's soul being lost forever if you let him go, he is the only one that can save his soul. We are all given the freedom of choice, and what he chooses to do is up to him. You cannot control that, no matter how much you would like to. If he decides to leave again, he needs to understand that the door is not a revolving door, and that you have more respect for yourself than that, and you expect more respect from him. He needs to know that he can't come back unless he is committed to never seeing her again and to working on your marriage, and then stick with it. God is in control, and he wants your marriage to work. I had known for months that there was an "inappropriate friendship" between my husband and the other woman, and had been praying for months that it would all work out like it should, so fortunately when I found out the whole truth, I did the right thing at the right time. I would never tell you to give up on your marriage. It sounds like your husband loves you, he just needs to be forced to see how much. If he doesn't have to make a choice, why should he? He can have the best of both worlds. To me it is just like enabling an alcoholic - you can literally love them to death. Unless they are made to be accountable, you are helping them in their own destruction. Continue to pray for God to help your marriage, and I will pray for you as well.

Elligirl · Full Member Joined: 28 Dec 2007 Posts: 120

All people are different. Calvin is in no way like any other man I have ever met. When I first found out about the affair I took the attitude that if he didn't want me he could leave me alone. I put up with nothing out of him. God begin to work on my heart and change it. He left me again on the 27th of December, she had been calling him telling him she had no place to stay ect. At that time he promised he would be back in one week and it would be over with that she was leaving the state as soon as she got her welfare check in. When he took her back in she changed her mind(I still do not believe she has left) at that point is when I went to him and begged him to come home. Believe me when I say that is not something I would do, but none the less what I did. He told me if he had not seen how much he was hurting me he would not have come back. He said I can not see her doing that(begging). Calvin has very low self esteem which is what got him into this mess to start with. God has shown me alot of things since this has started. I have had to let go of my pride and let God have his way. Please pray.

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

Elligirl,

I am not going to go back to my first posts when I joined, you can follow those if you want. I know where you are, because I have been down a similar path.

Things that stuck out in the body of your posts, he cries for her and not for you. Been there. It's an amazingly sickening feeling, but let me tell you that it means that your husband sees you as a strong mature woman who can take care of herself.

He feels more needed by the welfare dependent young lady/woman who calls him time and time again. Your husband is probably at his base a very good man that is touched by the needs of this woman. In our case, looking back my husband cried about her for two months. I demanded and defended no ongoing contact. He now says she was playing a head game with him. He doesn't blame her for his sin, but he realizes that there was a psychological game going on. She would get drunk or call him because she was depressed and he would respond.

No contact, no questions, no more. I really mean it. In our case, my husband had one evening of text messages, one letter calling it off, and then she tried three more times over six months to get a hold of him again. He found that he had to avoid the sound of her voice.

I had one discussion with her after I found out about the affair. No threats and no anger. I asked her if she was Christian, what she thought her parents would think about what was going on, how she thought she might relate to his children now that they knew what was going on, and why was she falling for men who clearly couldn't easily commit to her? She didn't want to be seen as a bad girl and she surely didn't want anything to surface.

Hmmm, that is a reoccurring theme. They don't want the sin exposed. It has to be exposed and examined so that it can be healed. My pastor was very harsh with both of us about looking at our sins. In fact, I wrote my husband a letter of apology for the sins that I had committed in our nineteen years of marriage. Things like anger topped the list. I also promised to hold him through the healing process. I didn't know how hard that was going to be until I went through the first night of his crying in my arms about her.

She will live the rest of her life without him. He might as well begin today, if he is really going to do this. She would never be able to trust him with any other woman anyway, so he might as well leave her now. It gives her more time to find someone who will be able to truly love her. My husband made a request for a pastor from another church to visit the woman. He was concerned about her spiritual as well as mental health. What would your husband's mistress do if a paster were to show up on his behalf?

This is going to be a long haul. Get moving today. Both of you need to get on your knees and pray for a path through. God will deliver. Don't beg. Claim what is your right under the vows that you and your husband made with God.

Elligirl · Full Member Joined: 28 Dec 2007 Posts: 120

As i have said before my husband is not normal as far as what men do and think. He said to me last night "you wouldn't give us a chance(him and the woman) you kept interfearing with us so we really couldn't have the time to see if we belonged together. You ran her off because of that, she knew we would not have a chance at a life together." All this time he was telling me he knew that we belonged together and would be together again this was just a mid-life fling for him he knew it was wrong but for some reason something he had to do. He has known this person since he was 18 yrs old. This was not thier first time. When I first found out about this he said he had gotten involved because she was fun. At that time all he wanted was someone to drink with and party with. When she saw that was not working she told him she wanted to change and start going to church. She would tell him that then when he would be at work(before she cost him his job) she would go out and sometimes be gone all night, he would look for her every where. I am 55 my husband is 57 she is 49 we are not children. I felt God was in everything I have done because of the fact most of the paths I have taken during this is not something I would have normally done. I do blame myself for part of the problems. There is alot involved in most problems in marriage. I feel that one of the problems was I was having success in my career was his was floundering. Another that we worked different shifts and rarely had any time together. I love my husband with my whole heart and need that back from him. Please pray toward that end for me. please pray that the bond they have formed will be broken forever and that he will see what she really is.

Elligirl · Full Member Joined: 28 Dec 2007 Posts: 120

Just to let everyone know. My husband is leaving again today to go back and move in with the other woman again. I ask him not to contact me in any way. I ask that you pray for me that the Lord will give me strenght and comfort and allow me to heal. That my husband will not get any peace, sleep or comfort until he makes things right with the Lord. I thank you all for being there for your prayers and advise, May God bless and keep you each and every one.

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 157

I am so sorry your husband has decided to leave again, but I honestly believe you are doing the right thing. I am very proud of you for standing up for yourself. You deserve better. It sounds like your husband is going through a midlife crisis, and will snap out of it in time. He doesn't love the other woman, he loves the way she makes him feel about himself. There is a difference. This isn't about you, this is about him and his selfish needs at the moment. He will eventually see that and feel like a fool. In the meantime I strongly urge you to read Dr. James Dobson's book, "Love Must Be Tough" to strengthen your resolve. I will pray for your continued strength and courage and for peace in your heart. Hang in there!

Elligirl · Full Member Joined: 28 Dec 2007 Posts: 120

Please continue to pray for my marriage. It is so painful to know that Calvin is with another woman, living with her as if she is his wife. He told me he has to figure out what he feels for her so he can either join his life completely with her or put her out of his life, then he tells me he loves me and feels everything will be all right. My pain is so great. I feel God put Calvin and Me together I am being pushed on all sides to get on with my life but it is impossible for me I feel it is a test of my faith in God. Now faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen. I feel God put us togetter and exspects no man or woman to separate us. That it would be the same as denying God to turn around and walk off. Please pray for me.

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 157

I will pray for you and your marriage. I agree that what is happening is not God's plan, but God does not force us to do right, we have to choose to. Right now your husband doesn't choose to. He has taken the choice out of your hands as well. You can't make him come back and be faithful, and even if you could, what kind of life would that be? When he comes back, it needs to be because that is where he realizes he wants to be, not out of obligation or guilt. I know how devastated you are by what he is doing, but I would think being his wife only when he chooses to let you would hurt worse. He needs to make a choice. Unfortunately when a spouse chooses to live this kind of life, they have to hit rock bottom to finally turn to God, and letting him have the chance to live without you could help him get there. If he truly loves you, which I'm guessing he does, he will eventually realize he is ruining his life and yours. Pray without doubting, and I will pray for you as well

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