Marriage in trouble

Lonely yet Loved · Newbie Joined: 23 May 2005 Posts: 1

Hi,
First time poster here.

I lost the best job of my life two weeks ago. It's the 3rd job I have lost in a little over two years because of my speed! This has caused strain on my marriage. Oh, I try. But I am never fast enough to get the work done as fast as the younger ones.

In addition, my marriage is in trouble. I quick smoking several weeks ago before my job loss. Thankfully, I have remained off the cigarettes. My wife and child are very happy about this.

I want my wife to make certain changes. But she doesn't' budge. Never, does she try to change for me. I know it sound terrible, but I am not that attracted to my wife all the time. She is a pretty lady. But she has the potential to be a lot prettier. IF this is wrong for me to feel then I am guilty as charged. I am not going to change.

She is underweight. She really needs to gain a little weight. But no... she won't do it. She really needs to work out so she wont' look so gaunt. But no, now way. She just won't do it. She needs to do other things too. But no.

I have always been working on myself and fixing myself. It's always ME needing fixing. But never her.

In addition, I am always having to put up with her silent treatment. In fact, I'm putting up with it now. She has always been like this! I got used to it for a while, but now it's driving me nutty again. It's not fair!

I am not that physically attracted to her. That is the hard fact. I never was. Please don't' ask the obvious question. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel I want out, but am too..... you get the picture.
I am tired of it. And I am scared.

Please don't judge me to harshly. I hope there is an understanding ear here.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1927 Location: Chicago

Do you read?

I have an excellent recommendation for a book by Steven Arterburn, "Every Man's Marriage."

I know for myself it is very important to feel cherished and I know for my husband it is very important for him to feel respected. At one time that was missing in our marriage and we were headed for disaster.

A couple of things to consider -

1) What things did you love about your wife when you were dating?
2) What made you want to marry her?
3) Are date nights something you do regularly together?
4) Do you pray together?
5) Do you have church community - friends who share similar values and will hold you accountable for your marriage?

We can all get into these ruts in our marriage and forget why we were blessed and given the spouse God gave us. We can justify ourselves right out of our marriage when our spouse isn't acting a certain way, talking a certain way, dressing a certain way, pleasing me a certain way.

The focus then becomes all about "me". I'm not happy. Honestly, it isn't up to your spouse to make you happy - it is up to you.

Perhaps, you are having a difficult time with self-esteem right now and since you are not feeling too good about yourself, you're feeling you want to bring the wife right along with you. If you are verbalizing these thoughts to her, you will tear down instead of build up the person you promised to love and to cherish for the rest of your life.

I don't know about you but when I said my vows, I mean't them. I didn't say - until I don't feel like it anymore. Or, until you don't make me happy anymore. Or, until it isn't fun anymore. And so on ......

There is no mention of God or a relationship with Christ being a part of your marriage. It was really hard for my husband and I to do marriage alone without Him. It wasn't until we figured out He had to be at the center of our marriage, that it began to change into something we both love now.

You might be finding a way to justify yourself right into an affair.

webacus · Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 2:40 pm Post subject:

Welcome and thanks for posting.

You say, "my marriage is in trouble", but I think I'm missing something...
Your "problems" seem to center on your wife's appearance.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1927 Location: Chicago

Lonely Yet Loved -

I think you will find at GT that you will be loved, but at the same time,
talked to in truth. Even if it is a little hard to swallow - the other men on the boards may be challenging you to a different standard in your marriage.

FallenKnight'sWife · Newbie Joined: 23 May 2005 Posts: 10

Lonely, is it altogether possible that your wife is grieving the loss of your job too? After all, it is her well-being and standard of living at stake here too, am I correct? Just a thought, but there's a possibility she has issues with her own security. Wives may not say much about it at times but most of us do really want to be taken care of and not feel as if we *have to* work. Yeah, kinda anti-feminist, but so is most of the Bible.

Have you actually told her she looks "gaunt"? I know personally, I can stand to lose a few pounds, but if my husband ever just came out and called me hefty, I would lose every ounce of motivation to do anything about it! How about something more subtle: "Sweetheart, I really want to have you in my life for a good long time, would you mind seeing a doctor and having a checkup just to make sure everything is okay?"

What *do* you love about her? Have you tried focusing on that? I'd like to suggest to you that you read (and apply) Stormie Omartian's The Power of a Praying Husband. You can't change your wife; you can't even convince her to change herself, not even by using changes you've made in yourself to guilt her into being what you want. However, you can pray for God to mold her into the woman/wife/mother HE wants her to be. And prayer will help you accept what God has blessed you with. Lastly, a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). The church, made up of imperfect human beings, is imperfect. It REALLY needs improvement. However, Christ loves His Bride anyway, lumps and all.

webacus · Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 5:11 pm Post subject:

FNW:

Great post. And mentioning Stormie's book, you reminded me of something...

Lonely yet Loved:

Check this out http://www.growthtrac.com/study/

This is Growthtrac's Growing Husband's Book Club, featuring (so far) two books:
The Power of a Praying Husband and The Five Love Languages.

Both books offer excellent information on understanding and loving your wife.

SincereLove · Newbie Joined: 24 May 2005 Posts: 1

I don't want to step on Lonely yet loved when he has concerns and jump in with my own long letter of concerns so.........may I respectfully say that a woman needs to know that her husband finds are attractive and adores her and we respond accordingly. As such wives need to let their husbands feel the same. We all change(body/appearance) as years go on, babies, stress, etc. but like someone else said on here...you need to remember what you found beautiful about her when you began dating. My parents told me that marriage is always a work in progress and somedays you need to choose to love your spouse and put forth an added effort than just rely on the "love" in your heart. Other days the love will just be there. Everyone has to do some form of changing in a relationship...it is called growth. Both parties need to do it. If you have children you know that we teach them that if there is a fight.... you have to share...compromise...find middle ground and work from there. It's funny we teach our children the basics but when we are older we don't remember to do that with our spouse.

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