Looking to support to deal with husbands affair

ConnieRN68 · Newbie Joined: 14 Jun 2005 Posts: 1

I am new to this site and looking for advice. My husband and I have been married for 17 yrs. We have three children 16,13 and 3. We have gone through many trials over the last 5 years one of which was an affair he had with someone at work who he left me for and moved in with. It lasted about 3 months and he came back home. I did not find out till later because I caught them together about 1 month later. I said I forgave him but I never was able to put it behind me.

Since then I suffered a miscarriage and lost my dad in the span of one month. I got pregnant again and had a very premature baby who has had alot of medical problems. We have filed bankruptsy and his father died in 2003. We have never been able to get our marriage back and track and he left again in Feb. He was gone 1 1/2 months and rekindled his relationship with the other woman. I just found out on Thursday and I am devasted. I have gone from anger to pain and back. I began praying for him yesterday with the help of "The power of the praying wife" and last night I heard a voice in my head that told me to put my wedding ring back on. I know that voice was God but I have not walked with him for a while. Is this just wishfull thinking that he answered me in this fashion.

I need support from those that have been there and those with faith. I can't accept that God would bring us through everything else in ours lives for it to end here. Am I being foolish and naive to think I can save my marriage?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

You are never fullish or naive to believe that God can restore your marriage. There is always hope if one heart is willing.

There is a book that I highly recommend called, "Every Heart Restored", by Stephen Arterburn. Also, "Every Man's Marriage", by Stephen Arterburn. The first one is for you, the second book is for your husband.
Also, one more that is for the two of you - "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. This book also has a workbook that both husband and wife need to participate in.

Growthtrac also has a wealth of information and articles on the topic of affairs - http://www.growthtrac.com/special/affair/

1) Adultery is caused when a person's inner compass is not focused on God
2) Adultery is stopped by changing our mental view and seeing it from God's view

If you have not sought counseling for yourself, I would suggest that you make this your first priority. Second, it is important that your husband eventually join you. This is a non-negotiable. If your husband still works with this woman, he needs to start looking for another job. I know that is easier said than done. But, if he is serious about honoring you and your marriage, this is a conversation you need to have and the work needs to begin with you being his cheerleader.

Forgiveness of your husband is a wonderful thing, but sometimes it can be given too quickly when it has not been processed properly. Quick forgiveness just makes the problem go away temporarily and sweeps it under the rug. Has your husband shown true brokeness? Has he asked you for your forgiveness? Has he done everything in his power to earn your trust again? Is he willing to go for counseling?

I know many marriages lose their compass when Christ is not incorporated on a daily basis. My marriage never started with Christ as our compass and it wasn't until my husband and I asked Him to be Lord of our lives and the forgiver of our sins that our marriage changed.

Have you or your husband ever asked Christ to lead your lives?? That is where your hope lies in restoration of your marriage. Without Him being your compass, the direction of your marriage will continue to falter.

I know my husband and I need the following things for our marriage to grow and stay strong.

1) Prayer together - this can take many forms with actual words spoken, time spent enjoying God's creation and with worship music
2) We go to church together regularly
3) We are part of a small group/bible study with other Christian couples
4) We have a board of directors for our marriage - people who hold us accountable
5) We serve God and others as a couple
6) We need Christ to be with us everyday - He is at the center of our home.
7) We hold each other up to have Christ be #1, we are #2, our children are #3 and work is #4. When this order gets turned around and we forget to make Christ #1 - we usually end up in trouble.

I have prayed for you, your husband, your marriage and your children. I have asked God for a layer of protection over your family.

Carebbean · Posted: Tue Jun 14, 2005 9:38 pm Post subject:

ConnieRN68

I am so sorry to hear of these developments in your marriage. I am sad for you, Connie. It is obvious that you love your husband very much.

However, if you do decide to let go (and you have Biblical grounds), it will not be easy. It will take time and counseling (albeit friends, family and - preferably - professional Christian counseling to heal your wounds.

I am encouraged that you are praying when you could be running from God, instead.

I had an incredible challenge raising my daughter by myself (for 18 years). I remember throwing up my hands and "letting go" about the time she was 13 years old. I distinctly remember being on a 4-mile walk in the morning, crying and in deep despair. It was then that I envisioned God walking backwards as I walked forward - I placed my daughter in His outstretched arms and confessed my inability to raise her on my own. "I failed, God. Please take her and raise her but use me to do your will for her."

The vision was real to me, Connie - absolutely real! That released me for some reason. I let go!

I don't know if that will or can happen to you but I wanted to encourage you that God knows what's going on in your marriage and if He wants you to let go, then put it all on His shoulders and in His arms. Can you picture that?

You will still grieve; feel the pain of hurt, anger and failure just as I did and as many others have. By allowing yourself to experience those feelings and emotions, God will build your character in preparation for His next plan for you.

If your husband has made up his mind to end this marriage - as evidenced by his repeated affairs, only one option exists. The Bible addresses the issue of abandonment by a spouse and adultery as grounds for divorce. According to your witness of your postings, that is evidently the case.

During your difficult decision, consider working on your ownership of the problems and shortcomings that may lead to this dissolution and seek forgiveness from your husband for your part. That will be critical if you truly want to follow God’s future plans for you.

Dr. James Dobson has written an excellent book entitled "Love Must Be Tough" (Multnomah 1996) in which he outlines and suggests excellent steps to setting boundaries while loving an offending spouse. He challenges us to put biblical teachings and examples into practice that will demonstrate your passion and respect for God's design for marriage - your marriage! This is a must read for you at this critical, Connie.

As one who has experienced divorce, I want to encourage you to "stay the course" of relying on God for the direction of your next journey. Take your time and do not act hastily but with intention and resolve.

Finally, not all marriages that have experienced adultery or abandonment end in divorce. Many survive if both partners follow 2 Chronicles 7:14 & 15 - "if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 15 Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place."

Pretty cool, eh? God promises to hear our prayers and heal our marriages. Awesome!!

Thanks again for sharing your burden with us here at Growthtrac.

Double blessings

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Thanks for the recommendation on "Love Must Be Tough". That is also an excellent one for this situation.

God is the great healer, but we have to step aside sometimes to let him do His work in us.

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