Looking for guidance

q1_86 · Newbie Joined: 11 Apr 2005 Posts: 3

My wife and I have been married for nearly 20 years. Even now, I love her more and more with each passing day. We've had a couple of rough patchs but we've always managed to survive and I think we will get to spend the rest of our lives together. But we have one persistent problem we have never been able to correct.

I get mixed messages about how happy she is.

I am very happy. She rarely is. Over the weekend, she made an off the cuff remark that really hurt. She said she sometimes feels stuck with me and thinks she has no options. (college graduate, adjunct faculty at local community college, owns her own photography business but she thinks no options) When we talked about it, I asked her to be honest with me. Is she as madly in love with me as I am with her? She said no.

She loves me but I don't turn her head the way she turns mine. She loves me but thinks the marriage thermometer is hot enough once a month. She loves me but does not smile when she talks about me the way I smile when I talk about her. She loves me but won't consider trying something I want to do for vacation (she plans great ones for the whole family but won't consider going fishing.) I try to encourage her in her work but she complains that work to much (just 40-45 hours a week, and getting paid quite well for it.)

Is anyone else in this situation? And does anyone have any suggestions? I love my wife so much, that I want to make her as happy as I am. And I want to be happy together.

Jag

webacus · Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2005 12:34 pm Post subject:

Hi Jag
Welcome and thanks for posting.

How long have you noticed this issue?

Do you think depression is a possibility?

Does your wife want to improve things?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1991 Location: Chicago

Great suggestions Webacus -
Something to consider about your wife. At times women can feel extremely overwhelmed with all that is on their plate. This can be cleaning the home, the children, their own job, grocery shopping, doing laundry, paying the bills, cooking for the family and being a love goddess at night too.

Anyway, all of the above can cloud over the love a woman feels for her husband. Especially if he works his job, comes home, expects dinner, then plops on the couch for the evening without helping clean up the kitchen, giving the kids a bath, or helping with homework. Then on the weekends, he does take care of the yard work, but goes off and plays golf or another game with his buddies.

This can deaden the love a woman feels for her husband. Please consider how much of these duties are shared together. A wife can fall in love all over again with her husband if exhibits the heart of a servant and consistently helps her with these things. Women are called to be our husband's help-mate, but many women I speak with feel they are a slave-mate or maid-mate.

Just some food for thought - as woman love to feel cherished, cared for and protected. That romance can be sparked in many ways -
Another great book to read is - "Every Man's Marriage" by Steven Arterburn.

folsombnd · Newbie Joined: 12 Apr 2005 Posts: 1 Location: California

I agree with you SAM. My husband and I have been having the same type of issues and the biggest problem is I don't feel appreciated. I am continually doing things for everyone else but never for myself and it seems no one ever does anything for me.

He is always happy and content with our relationship while I on the other hand hate coming home and am miserable and grouchy all the time. He says now that he wants to fix things and work on things but, I have a hard time believing him as I have heard this over and over for the past two years. Any suggestions on how to get over this and start letting him back in? He wants me to give him things to help me with etc but, I really don't trust him anymore because he has let me down so many times. It's hard to give it back and trust that he will come through. I feel like a single parent with a roommate most of the time. HELP!!!! Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

q1_86 · Newbie Joined: 11 Apr 2005 Posts: 3

This turned into a really long message. Sorry to unburden myself on anyone who reads it. I'll pray for you. Please pray for us.

Web
How long - This first was an issue about 12-13 years ago. She did some things she was ashamed of, confessed, repented and was genuinely forgiven. We have never discussed it since. I do not believe that I act in any way that makes her feel like I did not forgive her.

We have worked hard to be partners. She is my best friend and she has told me I am hers. When I asked her about her comment Sunday morning, she admitted that she felt this way for awhile, but she has been telling me how happy she was and acting like she was happy. It hurt when she said she had been faking. Being a neanderthal man, I wondered what else has she been faking. (sorry, I'm a neanderthal man, one who is honest and self-aware of my faults.)

Depression - My wife has a mild congenital heart defect and has to take Paxil to prevent severe anxiety attacks. I wish her doctor would prescribe one of those new anti-depressants being touted on TV (the one with "low risk of sexual side-effects.") It makes her feel tired all the time. She gets at least 1 hour more sleep than me a day, but I grew up on a farm and learned to push ahead even when exhausted.

Improvement - Yes. She wants to feel about me the way I feel about her.

SAM - The household chores are divided fairly evenly between the four men in the house (my three sons and I.) I have a full time job, but do more housework than she does, because she is often so tired. So, while I understand that some wives are a "slave-mate" or "maid-mate," I don't think this is the problem. I don't spend time with my friends. Last year I went fishing twice (with sons) and went on a one-week fishing trip with my brother, father and two of the three boys. My hobbies are not my mistress. I traveled twice for work, but took her with me once and dropped everything to to take her to Mackinac Island for her 40th birthday.

My wife is the only child of an only child. Sometimes she wants things she can't reasonably expect to get. Her father treated her more like a sister than a daughter (always teasing her about her clothes, boyfriends, etc.) unless it was time for his authoritarian discipline (my way or the highway) so she has always had trouble relating to a man who does his best to unconditionally love her.

Debby
I think I'm being honest when I say I try very hard to make my wife feel appreciated. I've told her many times, and she believes me when I say, that I think she is the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Once at a party, an engineer I work with introduced himself to her saying "I know who you are because your husband has so many pictures of you in his office. He must love you very much." ( I can see 5 pictures without turning my head, and I once counted a total of 12, plus the two in the bible in my pocket and 3-4 in my wallet.) I have an excellent job so we have been ble$$ed with enough to enjoy ourselves more than most people. We do things together for fun, not as often as we want but she has been telling me how much she loves me and how much she likes spending time with me over and over for the last several years. That's why her remark hurt so much.

I know many husbands who show up at home expecting their wife to have made dinner, cleaned the house, etc. They plop down and turn on the TV, waiting to be served. I don't do that. My sons clean the house, freeing her up to take care of her photography business or grade papers. I know I have let her down sometimes. I don't get everything done as quickly as she would like, but I'm doing almost everything, so keeping the house from falling down is a major effort.

All -
I'm not the easiest person to live with sometimes. (I don't know many people that are easy to live with, actually.) I have a stressful job (I develop new methods for designing airplane parts, so if I screw up, 10 people do their work wrong which could kill 500 people, if the 747 misses the apartment building at the end of the runway.) Sometimes the stress bubbles out at home. I have spent too much time worrying about the long term effects sending jobs to India (which is happening in my department) of poor schools (everywhere.) And my wife likes to keep her thinking closer in time and space.

Thank you for your comments. My wife and I are going to work through this. I am no where near ready to give up. This morning, I wrote a long, detailed message about some of the things that may be at the root of our problems but I can't be that open with strangers yet. The important thing is to keep communicating.

Please let me know what you think. I posted to try to get some unbiased comments. Thank you.

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