Looking for family advice

trustinthelord · Newbie Joined: 03 Dec 2007 Posts: 1

So a little background info is that I have been married for two years at the beginning of the year I found out my husband was having an affair. He became a whole other person. He told me continuously that he wanted nothing to do with me and wanted a divorce. I tried to stick it out but in the end I got tired of the threats for a divorce and printed the documents and delivered them to him. I moved out of our home and in with an aunt. He moved the other woman in. After about a month or so he found out she was cheating on him with his best friend and a few other guys. Over the next few months he seemed to love me some days and her other days. He became very mean and would go from telling me he loved me to telling me he hated me. In te end I knew he needed me and tried to still be there for him. As we proceeded with the divorce he began to change his mind. In the end he told the judge he could not go through with it. I have started to develop a relationship with him again and the girl is out of the picture. I feel (and have prayed alot about) that working it out is the best. I have to at least try. Now my current issue is my family. I come from a highly dysfunctional family and they have begun to say really mean things to me about the situation. When they first found out we separated they spread very nasty rumors about me. Pretty much blaming me for the divorce even though they had no idea what happened. I have for the most part ignored them but now the holidays are upon us. I do not even want to spend the holidays with them because I am still pretty fragile about the whole thing and I do not think I can handle them. The aunt I was living with is even being rude to me. I know he has done so pretty selfish things but I think people deserve a second chance. Does anyone have any advice?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

Our Lord is the ultimate forgiver and Lord of do-overs. He asks us to forgive as well. Although that doesn't mean, be a doormat. I pray you and your husband are seeking Christian counseling for your situation so that destructive patterns are dealt with. Not many couples get beyond this without some outside help. Also, a counselor can help you with the dysfunctional junk from your family.

If you feel you will be healthier and happier by not being with family on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day so you can truly participate in celebrating the birth of our Savior, then do what makes you feel healthy and whole. You can always visit with family this coming Saturday and Sunday, or after Christmas.

My husband and I had similar circumstances some years ago, and we decided no more holidays with his side of the family. We visited other times of the year or prior to or after the holiday, but we left Christmas to Jesus and no longer wanted to participate in the "drama" that family can sometimes cause.

We didn't disown anyone or stop seeing them altogether, we just put appropriate boundaries around ourselves to protect our hearts and keep them whole and healthy.

Honestly, your marriage is none of your family's business. And, if they want to discuss it, your response should be - "my marriage is a private matter - I will not discuss it with you." If they continue to press the issue and become nasty or defensive, you always have the option of leaving.

Well done, sister, for hanging in there with your husband. It is not the easy thing to do, but the Lord will bless your decision.

Merry Christmas to you!

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 391 Location: NJ

I think Sam is right on the money here (as usual). You can love someone, as we are commanded to do, but still have boundaries with them. There's nothing wrong with choosing not to be with unkind, hurtful people and instead focusing on healing your marriage.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

Thanks!

Family is often hard because they feel since they are family that gives them permission to intrude into private matters.

Permission is not given unless we allow it.

I wish everyone a blessed Christmas! Let's celebrate the birth of our Savior! He is the Light of Our World.

webacus · Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 9:51 am Post subject:

First, well-done on hanging in there.

One thing to keep in mind: don't dismiss all of the "advice"...
If many people are saying the same thing, there might be some truth
there someplace.

Pray for discernment and wisdom and you should consider
a wise third party (Christian counselor) to help you move forward.

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