It's been 7 months, how much longer?

Luci Cate · Newbie Joined: 10 Jul 2007 Posts: 9

It's been awhile since I've posted, have been mostly lurking. My marriage is in complete turmoil. I posted months ago that my husband has been verbally and emotionally abusive our entire marriage, and then I discovered he had been hiding a secret sexual compulsive behavior, one that is very abnormal and repulsive. It was not with other women. It had been going on for almost two years, all the while he was claiming to be more Godly than ever in his life, quoting scripture, reading the Bible and praying *every day* and was asked to be an Elder at our church.

Forward to 7 months later....now. We have been in Christian counseling for 6 mos. That has been mediocre, but at least it was a place to start, as I was so overwhelmed by my discovery. The behaviour has stopped, so my husband says. It's hard to trust him, as he's shown himself to be a good liar. He has put everything out in the open, confessed, says he's remorseful. However, he has not taken any initiate to further his own recovery. Had I not called the counselor, spoken with our Pastor, bring up conversation, he will not do it. So 2 mos ago, I stopped doing those things. I am discovering that I need to let go of his problem and focus on my own recovery and well being and draw closer to God.

So when I stopped initiating what we were trying to do to have any hope of reconciliation, so did he. He is not open in communication, he will not talk about 'the big stuff', as our counselor has advised, he will not seek out a psychiatrist, whom he needs to see. He finally went to the Senior Pastor in our church and confessed to him his sin, and why he could not serve as an Elder. But only after I pushed him to do this. I could not stand back and allow him to take a position like that, lying to the staff and in front of God. Our Pastor completely agreed with me, he was not to be in a position like this due to what he has done. That is not to say he can't have forgiveness, I know. But serving in a leadership position is wrong.

He says he is finally surrendering all the rooms in his life to God, trying to become Holy. I see that, his reading daily. So then why is he dragging feet on these issues? He is not one to do that in any other areas of his life. He is very successful in his business, and he is very disciplined....if he wants to increase his running time/speed (avid runner) he does it that day. So I'm believing actions, not words.

There is a specific situation that he absolutely will not show me any grace. We have had the discussion with our counselor, he with the Pastor, and between the two of us 2 times. We all have said, 'you need to handle this differently, you need to be sensitive to (her) and discuss this issue with her feelings coming first." He won't do it...it came up again last night, for the 5TH time! Once we started the conversation, I again pointed out, 'why did you do that?" Oh I didn't mean anything by it, was the response. WHAT?! At that point I admit, I lost it, started yelling and was furious. How could he possibly not remember how to handle just one sensitive situation after FIVE discussions, and cousel from 2 different men? He earnestly insists is was not deliberate, says he was wrong, good point. This is how so so so, too many differences end up. He readily admits how wrong he was, apologizes, and then does the exact same thing again.

I cannot take this anymore with him. I have completely lost hope, I have been in a living nightmare with someone who says he's trying to change only to see that it's not directed toward me. Is all lost? How much longer do I have to wait? I still have not shared any of this with my parents. A dear friend has advised me to wait, let him be the one to confess to them. But at this rate, I don't think he would ever think of it or follow through with it. How am I going to survive living in this house with this person? It's been almost 14 yrs and my resolve is wasted.

Thanks for reading all of this, I know it's too long.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1927 Location: Chicago

Are you seeing a counselor separately for yourself? I would recommend you continue to do that with a different counselor - not the counselor you are seeing together.

If your progress with the the counselor is mediocre, then maybe it is time to make a change.

If you are going into counseling with hopes of changing your husband, counseling will continue to fail. If you are going into counseling with the perspective of trusting God to change your husband, then your expectations might change. Ask yourself, "Do I really trust you with this situation Lord?"

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 308 Location: NJ

The only thing I can add to what Sam said is to consider that your husband has been engaged in a certain sinful way of thinking for many years (10? 15? 20?). It is part of his being. He needs to make radical changes from within, and that does not happen in a few months.

In Matthew 5:29-30, when Jesus said it is better to lose an eye or a hand, it means that it will feel as painful as losing a member when we give up our ingrained sinful ways. It does not come easily for any of us.

I cannot tell you what to do, but if you believe that your husband desires to do things God's way instead of the earthly way, and if you believe that his heart has turned towards God and you, then I encourage you to have as much patience as God's grace will give you.

Joblom1 · Full Member Joined: 22 Jun 2007 Posts: 53 Location: Mn.

hello-why is always women who ask for help and the husbands take a back seat? Or do they feel they can get away with it, even husbands who claim to be Christian? I do hope you have the strength to continue with this guy. And find a support group to pray for you.

Luci Cate · Newbie Joined: 10 Jul 2007 Posts: 9

Thank you for the responses that are so full of insight. I am not seeing a personal counselor. And we have stopped going to counseling together for awhile. My husband is going to see him alone this week, which I'm glad about and will see if he did this 'just to please' or if it will stick. I have found an organized support group for spouses of Sexual addicts and attended my first meeting last night. It was fantastic..... I feel as tho I'm finally understood, which I realize now that this had been a large part of my frustration with our marriage counselor. His focus was largely on how to reconcile our marriage, but before I could even go there, I needed to, had to, sort through so many feelings of pain, disbelief, betrayal, grief, anger....name the emotion and I had it and still struggle with these. Not to mention trusting again.

I do now realize I can't change him, this has been something that God has been showing me over the last month. I have to continually let that go, the need to want to do the fixing. I've even verabalized to my husband that he has to take ownership of his problem and now seek the help he needs...it's not my job and I let it go.

RD- something you pointed out is very true, he has been engaged in his sinful way of thinking for so long....at least 20 yrs, and used it to manipulate and control those around him, that I believe he doesn't even realize. He thinks it's 'normal' or just his way. Or- is he choosing Not to let it go, where is where my continued frustration occurs. He Has heard what I need from him, in front of our counselor, and some of those things he still won't do. Are they big things or little things? Where does respect fall that spectrum? He would never talk to his boss like that.

He accuses me of minimizing how much he's reading the Bible and trying to draw closer to God- which I don't. But what I don't understand is how one can spend so much time in the word and then be rude and constantly interrupt me when we try to talk. He believes the only real thing he needs to do is pray and read. He is very reluctant to seeking help alone without me pushing or attending counseling too. But he is now doing that, but as I said, is it to prove something or is it sincere? I can't know his heart, but I can see the expressions on his face.

Sam, I do have 2 young children. Which is a big part of my concern. I have had to "fudge the truth" to go to support meetings, meet friends for prayer or with a pastor at my church over these last 7 mos because my parents do not know the truth, as they watch the kids so I can go. I have a couple of friends as well who have watched the kids so I could attend weekly counseling when we were going regularly. It's so much to juggle, and carry this burden while acting as tho these are routine appts.a md family life is business as usual. I do as much of that for my kids anyway, but the oldest can sense the tension, no doubt.

I do have a good solid group of Christian women who pray for me and we meet. I don't know what I'd do without them. Maybe my timeline is unrealistic, maybe I expect too much too soon. I know how I feel, and that is not in love with him anymore and much resentment. So that will take along time, if ever, to heal. So many years of dealing with him has drained me completely, and that is why I am frustrated with his lack of ownership without a push at this point in the game. I struggle with asking myself, ' Is it worth it to struggle even longer after all these yeasrs, with no guarantees?' Do I want my kids to see this type of relationship for a marriage any longer?

joblom- I don't know the answer to your question, but I think that's one probable a reason, that they think they can get away with it and we'll just let it go, as in the past. He would never do that in his job, but with me sure. I don't understand it.

sorry again, another long, windy post

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1927 Location: Chicago

Looking back over the past several months and your past posts, you have come a long way. You may not think so, but you have. Hang in there, the Lord is bringing people to you to help. So glad you found the support group to go to, it seems like it will make a world of difference.

Something struck me -

Luci Cate · Newbie Joined: 10 Jul 2007 Posts: 9

Sam...that website is a Godsend! I am so thankful you shared this. I just started crying when I've been reading through it. I emailed it to my husband, just asking him to look it over. No further comments from me, I am praying that he will take initiative and move forward after seeing this. And that it is a Christian organization is so encouraging. The counseling services are not local for me, it's several states away actually. But all things are possible and I am going to keep praying that God will help my husband be open to this organization and what it offers, and local contacts. I actually felt today that, if my husband truly, assertively pursues these avenues, I will be able to give him a chance- again.

Yes, it does feel that counseling has been reversed. Hopefully now that I realize that I will seek appropriate resources for myself. That's encouraging to hear that you think I'm making progress, because it's not clear to me.

I printed off that prayer that you suggested and am using it as a Bookmark in a book I am reading. Smile

It's called A Year of Hope, by Nancy Gutherie. It's a very encouraging daily study.

Thank you again, the support and prayers from you and those on the site are irreplaceable for me right now. I know there are so many of us here that need prayer, thank you all for that and providing a place where we can spill our guts and be transparent.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1927 Location: Chicago

You are welcome. Very Happy

Thanks to God! He is our provider of wisdom and insight and resources.
We only need ask and He is always willing to provide!

Joblom1 · Full Member Joined: 22 Jun 2007 Posts: 53 Location: Mn.

[We have not been to counseling together-just separately. I see some of the things I myself have done wrong in the past. So I am working on myself now. There are times that I feel I will always be second choice. I need to remember that I am a child of God. quote]My prayers are every day to let go of what happened-but its difficult.[/quote]

Archie · Newbie Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 3

Two books that I would recommend for both of you are Personality Plus and The Five Love Languages. You need to understand your own personality and your husbands. It is also very important to know what your love languages are as well. If you want something to change in your life, then you have to change something in your life. Put everything in God's hands and trust in Him. Along with that, we all have to do our part as well.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 309 Location: In Prayer

Wherever we are, whatever we have done, however we feel - if we offer ourselves to God, he will help us and give us strength.

We forget to ask...
We forge ahead on our own...
We want to fix it ourselves...
We seek our own will before His...

God tells us quite often in scripture, if we need wisdom - ask the Lord for it.

Welcome, Archie - glad to have you join us. Very Happy

Luci Cate · Newbie Joined: 10 Jul 2007 Posts: 9

Sometimes I wonder, amoung many things why, while on this journey that even a positive move forward doesn't come cut and dry. Confused

Last week my husband went back by himself to the counselor we had been seeing together, made the appt on his own, and then told me about it. Prior to his going, I forwarded the website link for Faithful and True Ministries to him and asked him to just look it over, and he did that day on his own. He said that this was the most convicted he'd felt about his behavior, and felt since it was a Christian organization he had confidence in the information and ordered a book. So then a couple days later was his personal counseling session. He discussed the website with the counselor- ( who is a man and a Christian counselor. )

During the session, the Counselor said that he is very familar with this ministry, that he has attended the seminars specifically for sexual addictions and leads a mens group regularly on this with a workbook study along with it...it's what he does most. The next one begins in September. My husband is going to start attending and says he's signed up for it. This is all good news!

However *WHY* didn't he tell us this before???! Why did I especially feel so left alone? How could we have spent the last 6 mos with this person and this never come up? I asked my husband this- and he too said he asked the counselor why this was not brought up. The answer: the couselor didn't feel my husband has a sexual compulsion/addiction issue, and we were in 'marriage' counseling, not individual counseling. I think at this point I literally had to pick up my chin from the floor. I felt socked in the stomach-again. So my husbands behavior did not fit a textbook definition of sexual compulsive,addiction, but from all I've read and know and hiding behavior for 2 yrs for sexual gratification....this is what it is!

The couselor said that it would be a good idea for him to come to the group though. So now my husband has this seed of doubt planted in his head, and not a strong confrontation about how his behavior is not sexual or an addiction or whatever, but more like an 'anorexic'. Oh my gosh - I don't even know what to do with this. No one has even heard of the type of behavior he did, maybe that's the problem, but it is what it is despite the twist.

I called the contact person on Faithful and True Ministries for the spouses group in my area, which is still going to be an hour away. But 4 days later I've not gotten a call back. But I'm feeling defeated again after all this. I'm afraid of how this will turn next.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1927 Location: Chicago

I would suggest that you call this counselor and speak with him. He needs to hear this from you. Next, this counselor needs to contact your husband and let him know that this behavior is a sexual addiction and for his healing and the healing of your marriage, he needs to attend these meetings.

It would make me wonder about the professionalism/certifications of this counselor - especially if this behavior was brought up in your counseling sessions.

I would call this support group again and leave another message and another message. Then let the person you finally reach know that this occurred - or even call the main number.

I'm grateful this Faithful and True Ministry will be helpful to you. It would probably be a good idea for you to consider signing up for one of their seminars together - even if you have to travel for it.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 308 Location: NJ

Sorry to hear about your experience. It can be very frustrating dealing with counsellors, even Christian ones. They can be off track; they do not always return phone calls; well, they are human, but it is frustrating.

It seems to me that your choices are either to keep trying with the current counsellor (like Sam suggested above), or try to find another one.

Hang in there -- God is with you and will strengthen you.

Psalm 73:23-26

Luci Cate · Newbie Joined: 10 Jul 2007 Posts: 9

I have spoken with the counselor about this while we were still going together. Through the research I've done I found the information on paraphilia's and fetishes, and then forwarded the articles to our counselor and asked him to look at these and see what his opinions were. This was in May, 4 mos into counseling already. He brought it up at our next session, but then dropped it. I don't know why other than this was called 'sin' and that was enough. I don't feel I was pushy or confrontational when I brought it up. So I'm afraid to go there again with him. I get the sense from him that he thinks I'm making an issue of something that isn't that serious or what it truly is.

I'll keep calling the local support group contact. I've left two messages in the last 4 days. Again, I feel like I'm being too pushy. The first message was with an actual person, so I don't know why there is no response. I feel like I'm being blown off by the 'professionals'. It is not my nature to seek help in the first place in most circumstances, so saying this is discouraging doesn't seem to say enough.

Thanks Sam, I appreciate you seeing the truth....I'll keep working on it, somehow. If nothing else because of these hoops to jump through, I know that I can't be without God first, and also know that these issues can't go unresolved in my life. I'd never make this alone....perhaps that's why He gave me a personality that fights when a fight needs to be fought. I pray my endurance can take it....

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