Is my marriage over?

hurtingwife · Newbie Joined: 12 Apr 2005 Posts: 2 Location: Florida

Hi, This is my first time here and I am in need of advice. 2 1/2 years ago I found my husbands library of downloaded porn that dated back for 2 or more years. I had also just found emails between him and his new secretary that were way too friendly. That along with all of the porn related to "sex with secretary" topics and college girls (and we live in a college town) was too much to bear. We had the happiest marriage prior to that so it came as a real blow. My husband denied everything until he realized that I had actually found the porn and the emails. Then he began confessing everything. We have been through counseling........, books......, long talks......., arguments........, and in the mist of it all we began going to church. I felt like if he was around decent men maybe he could see the difference. All he had to compare to was his college buddies and less that shining parents. His recently deceased father was a sexual addict in a big way.
My question is this. With all of the help we have gotten and I mean we have really been through a lot of channels to get through this, he is still looking at women in public lustfully. I never noticed it before I found all of this out, but now I notice that he has a hard time not checking out the college girls, female coworkers, etc... I feel it is adultry. I have read over and over in the bible passages that speak of how a man is to conduct himself, especially a married man. He will never stop, I know that now. I cannot live like this. I want a beautiful, clean marriage, inwhich two people truely love each other and there is no lying or betrayal. Is true love an impossibility? Are there really men out there that do not look at women and if so I would like to know because I am about to loose faith in men altogether. I am so sad at the thought of loosing my marriage. Marriage is suppose to be for life. Please help.

webacus · Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 7:39 pm Post subject:

Hurting, welcome.

First, I assure you all of us men aren't pigs. I do believe we (men) all struggle (to varying degrees) with "looking" -- whether it's a passive glance at the grocery store or worse. I believe we're wired that way. It's a curse. Twisted Evil

I am always on guard, careful of where my eyes are focused. And it doesn't matter if my wife is present or not. Lingering eyes or obsessing with fantasy-- it is hurtful to my spouse and detrimental to my marriage.

Questions...
Are you connected at your church? Small Group?

Tell me about your husband's friends-- any Christian men he might connect with for accountability? Would he be willing to do that?

He must know he's hurting you-- how does he respond to you? What is his 'excuse'?

Have you seen this page? http://www.growthtrac.com/special/pornography/

Looking forward to hearing from you.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

Welcome and I am so glad for your honesty and my heart goes out to you for the pain you are in.

I just recently finished a book called Every Heart Restored, by Steven Arterburn.

This book will answer every single one of the questions you have in your post. There is hope and yes, there are good men out there. But, I encourage you to consider that this is every man's struggle. Yes, I mean every man.

Steven Artburn has written several wonderful books on this subject. Every Man's Marriage and also Every Man's Battle.

If you are committed to your marriage it is time for both of you to sit down at night for the next week and read these books together. Then go find a Christian counselor who deals with pornography and sexual addiction.

Men need to train their eyes on Christ and that means up only - not up and down (looking at women). There will need to be boundaries and software installed on your computer at home so these sites cannot be accessed. The computer must be out in the open in your home.

It is interesting that you mention your father-in-law was a sexual addict.
Much of what your husband struggles with today may very well be attributed to what his father taught him, showed him and spoke to him about toward women growing up. The visual stimulation and addiction may have started in your husband at a very young age. He may have struggled with this before he even met you, and it does not necessarily go away once a man is married. Sometimes it intensifies because a married man tries to hide it from his wife all the more.

You are not alone in this struggle even though it may feel that way. You have people here who will pray for you and for your marriage.

But, please, please go pick up "Every Heart Restored" tomorrow or order in online tonight. I promise you, you will not regret reading this and your husband absolutely needs to read "Every Man's Battle".

hurtingwife · Newbie Joined: 12 Apr 2005 Posts: 2 Location: Florida

Thank you SAM and webacus for replying, it helps so much just to talk about this.
First of all, webacus, how do you do it? We have been to christian counseling, he was baptised (I already was), we have attended marriage classes at church, he goes to two christian mens groups every week and still he looks. This is why I am so discouraged, any other man who had gone through all of that would know right from wrong and try harder. He is only good for a short period of time (if at all) and then he starts slipping back. I asked him to please read pertinent passages from the bible every morning to arm himself and he did for awhile, but hen he slacked off and I do not think it stopped him from looking anyway. I catch him too often. In my mind with the damage to his wife and marriage that he has done, and with all of the teachings he has been through I would think he would wake up and realize how much it hurts me, our marriage and him. He is a real good liar as well and that scares me very much.
So, I hope I answered your questions webacus and probably some of SAMs as well. He does have christian friends and role models but it does not matter. He plays this perfect role when with them - you know, the jeckyl and hyde thing. As for the question about does'nt he know it hurts me. That is my question as well. I have cried a river of tears over my deteroriating marriage and his betrayal, I have had long sober talks with him, it seems like no amount of damage and pain will ever change him. His most recent excuse was "all men do it" and he yelled that at me. Why would a man choose to lust after women over protecting his wife and home? Every woman wants to put her arms around her husband and look up to him with admiration and a feeling of safety. Her "Night in shining armour" if you will. I am a very attractive, 5'4'' 113pd woman who is a professional, who power washes the house and mows the lawn, and who has a very big heart for anyone or anything hurting (taking in injured animals, giving christmas gifts to needy children that I know of, etc..). I thought being athletic, well rounded, attractive, caring, loving, ... made me an ideal wife. I took very good care of my husband. It just does not matter how hard you try. We have been together since 1992. I feel it was all wasted. webacus, take your wife into your arms and give her that feeling of security that she needs and deserves, and thank you for being a decent man. But, I ask you again, how do you do it? Do you have periods of weekness. I think my husband might be caught up in the mind set that he looks and prays and looks and prays,etc...it's ok if he asks for forgiveness each time.
SAM, We have been to many counselors, some christian, some not, most recently a counselor at our church who is a PHD in Psychology. My husband attends one christian-based accountability group per week and one christian mens group per week. We have a whole library of books on sexual addiction and we have read them all. I will go and get the book you've recommended tommorow because we do not have it. I know I am not alone but I do not have anyone to talk to locally so I feel very alone. I know this is a very big problem that alot of women are going through. I just do not know any of them. I can not tell you how much I admire men who have a higher standard for themselves and their marriages. I know it is a struggle and the fact that I live in a college town swarming with college girls (usually half dressed) does not help.
I am sorry that I am rambling on. Thank you so much for responding.

webacus · Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 2:06 pm Post subject:

The authors of Every Man's Battle suggest two practical possibilities for keeping your eyes on your wife...

Bounce the eyes -- this is the process of training eyes to immediately "bounce" away from the sights of pretty women or sensual images. They say if you can "bounce your eyes" for six weeks, you can win the battle of sexual temptation.

Starve your eyes -- this is the conscious choice not to expose yourself to any image or activity that might produce sexual gratification outside of marriage.

	Growthtrac Community Forum Index -> Emotional Needs	All times are GMT - 6 Hours
Page 1 of 1