Is it okay to begin relationship after husband gone 9 months

womanatwell · Newbie Joined: 16 Sep 2007 Posts: 2

After 10 year affair my husband ( a minister) left and moved in with woman he had been cheating with, which devasted me our children, family and friends and destoryed our 22 year marriage.
He has been gone 9 months and has repeatedly rejected my pleas for an attempt at reconciliation - until now!
The problem is my feelings for him have diminished with everyday and night he has left me alone, and with every incident that has shown he has no care for me nor our children. I don't believe I am in love with him anymore because I just feel numbness when I think of him, yet I do love him.
Now I have began talking to another man periodically, who is divorced 11 years, whom I would really like to begin a full relationship with.
But my husband now says, (after I told him I'd like to meet someone to have as a companion), he can't see his life without me, and he'd like us to begin dating and counseling to try to rebuild our marriage.
I don't know how genuine he is, but I do know he still lives with the woman, (although he says he's moving out).
I only feel pain when I even consider being back with him, and I want to be with someone who I feel at ease with.
The bible talks about letting the unbelieving spouse go if they so choose and the remaining spouse is no longer obligated to the marriage.
Maybe God wants me to try with my husband, I don't know, but maybe He wants me to move on. And is it okay to become involved with another under these circumstances?
I would like some feedback, please.

webacus · Posted: Sun Sep 16, 2007 3:01 pm Post subject:

Welcome.

A ten year affair, moved in with the woman for nine months...
you are a very patient woman.

I believe biblically you could divorce him (adultery & desertion).

He now wants to get back together?

I would say several things need to happen before you agree
to go down that road.

I would establish firm expectations and boundaries with time frames, required counseling -- and of course he needs to move out immediately.

He needs to play by your rules and submit to full accountability. You might consider putting this in writing. Perhaps get an attorney involved.

I think it's up to you. If he's playing games, you setting yourself up for more pain.

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

Moving on might be more difficult than you think. You will never trust men in the way you did before this happened to your marriage. It doesn't matter that you would be with someone new, you are going to have issues with certain behaviors and circumstances that will bring you back to this man who was your husband.

I can understand your need for companionship and your lack of desire for this man, but before you involve someone else in your life, take the opportunity to clean up this mess. You didn't cause it, but you will suffer longer, if you don't work on getting through the issues. Take the counseling with your husband. Learn from it and make concrete decisions, after you have laid everything on the table. As Webacus says you have been more than patient. Make sure the past is finished before you begin your future.

womanatwell · Newbie Joined: 16 Sep 2007 Posts: 2

Thanks for the input. You both gave sound advice. I am almost certain my husband's "change of heart" is only because he does not want me to get involved with someone else.
However, I think, after reading your responses, that the only way I can find out is to tell him I am willing to try under specific conditions.
If he refuses any of them, I will know he is not sincere.
As for the man I've become acquainted with, I agree that I need to resolve my situation before venturing into another. I will tell him that.
I guess I am letting the lonliness get the best of me and having my whole life in limbo for so long is becoming unbearable.
So, maybe taking my husband up on his offer will be the beginning of resolving this horror - one way or another.
Thank you so much for your help.

webacus · Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 8:37 am Post subject:

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 309 Location: In Prayer

Need to ask this question because I'm not picking up on something in your post -

Are you divorced? If not, you are still married. If you are still married, then you should not be involved with someone else.

Your husband has hurt you deeply. And, from the sound of it, this pain is still deeply imbedded in you. Until, there is healing and wholeness again which is going to take some counseling, then the last thing you should do it enter into another relationship.

Lonliness is understandable - but how are you letting our Lord fill this hole for you? If you allow him, he is your husband and companion and lover when earthly men cannot fill this place in your heart. Are you asking Him to fill this place for you?

Everything I've read says that it takes 2-3 years of extensive personal work to get through the pain of a divorce. If one doesn't take the steps to work through the junk, then it will only be brought into the next relationship and the next and the next. It's one of the reasons 2nd marriages have such high divorce rates - 75-80%.

Your husband has come to you to work on reconciliation. Have you considered that God may want you to do your part toward this reconciliation? If your heart is attached to another man that isn't going to happen.

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