Is it cheating? - Internet Pornography

tanza · Full Member Joined: 30 Jul 2002 Posts: 76

A little over a year ago my husband confessed that he had been visiting inappropriate web site. It crushed me. before we even got engaged i had told him i consider that the same as having a literal affair and did not think i could stay in a marriage with that kind of betrayal. little did i know...i would have to mull over those words one day.

We are still together...though if it weren't for having an child i'm not sure that we would be. i am grateful--and know that it took courage for him to tell me. but i'm still hurting inside. i've told him i think that we need to see a counselor, but he won't. he is on staff at a church which is very fundamental and legalistic and is afraid if anyone found out he would lose his job. i one the other hand would rather have a sound marraige.

What do you think? is this something that needs outside intervention? or should i just keep doing as i'm doing?

thanks for any insight for this hurting heart... Sad

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

Pornography has a very strong pull for men. How do you know this will never happen again?

You need to seek Christian counseling. A private counselor who is not a part of your church or community would probably be best.

Does your husband have a Christian accountability partner? By keeping this a secret with just you, he is not coming out into the open and still hiding his sin.

Mysti · Newbie Joined: 30 Jul 2002 Posts: 8

Pray to God to help you to extend forgiveness to your husband for doing this. Also ask God to take the desire away from you husband to have this sexual need. Trust God and he will guide you and provide to you a road to take that will glorify him. Divorce is not the answer. Christian Counseling would be a great place to start with both of you.

God Bless you both and I will pray for you both.

Mysti

kelly · Posted: Tue Jul 30, 2002 8:51 pm Post subject:

Mysti had some great advice...pray for God to heal your hurt and help you to forgive your husband, and pray for your husband to be strengthened against temptation. Try to seek couseling away from your church. Understand that although it is very painful to know he "browsed", it isn't as devestating as if he had had an actual affair. His heart was not with the women he was looking at, only his hormones were. His body was not defiled by another woman, only his temporary visual memory was. I suggest that you two look into a way that you can track his whereabouts on the computer so he will be accountable to you as to where he's been "surfing". This may deter him from "wandering" again. It will also give you some piece of mind knowing you have some control over the situation and in time it will bring back trust.

A word of encouragement...my husband also has looked at porn some time back. It was with my knowledge as I thought it might add excitement to our marraige. I know he used to like porn alot and I wanted to make him happy. It ended up bothering me more than I thought, making me wonder if I wasn't enough, etc. (I'm sure you know the feelings...). I asked him to stop. Because he loves me, he did. He admitted that the temptation was tough to ignore sometimes, but that he eventually overcame it and he no longer has any memory of the images he used to look at, nor does he have any temptations anymore. Prayer and love will get you through this. :inlove:

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

I brought this before my husband to pray for you both tonight. I thought he had a great suggestion. He said the computer should be out in the open of your home. In the busiest area where everyone could openly see the screen, not down in the basement or back in a bedroom. I thought that was a great idea. Our prayers are with you!

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

This is a very common problem, so common that every man in world has had to decided or not decided what he will accept in himself. And for the Christian Man, it is worse because it is a sin, so he has to find a way around it to justify or relationalize it to be OK.

I meet with a group of Men every Saturday morning, and this issue comes up regularly. At first we debated it and rationalized when it was OK. Then we tried to make special excuses for when it might be OK. We even went as far as,"Is it ok if you are thinking of your wife, or using a picture of your wife". We have come clean with this issue, to the extent when someone messes up he come clean and confess to the other men. And because we have all been guilty of the same thing, we appreciated the man's confession, which also reminds us that this is one of satan's greatest temptations, sex as a wedge to destory marriages.

Lets be clear here men don't just look at pornography. This is much more then looking at naked women. Also the computer isn't the issue, it is just one of many sources of the materials. Pornography re-wires how the man acquires sex, turning it into an easy to access, easy to enjoy method. No planning, no work, and no preparation. Also their is no consideration of the other party's enjoyment or involvement, good or bad to deal with. Over time this easier form of sex, makes the relational version not so necessary, because the quick version takes care of the immediate need. It almost becomes taking care of a body function, as the intimacy gets bleached out.

Many if not most wives, don't have a clue that their husbands participate in some form of masterbation during their marriages, or if they do they don't know the extent to which he does it. Most only stop when confronted by their wives or God, through other men holding them accountable. If only a fraction of the wives divorced their husbands, the divorces rates would skyrocket.

Not all men have the same level and sensitivity to the problem. For some it is magazines; some men have told their wives to get rid of Victoria Secret catalogs, Fitness Magazines, etc. For others it is the Internet, and still others the mire sight of an attractive women walking in front of them.

Most men would agree they really don't want their wives to know that they mastebate to porno, on their free time. But on the other hand, they feel the act itself is OK. Hell most men have been masterbating since they where 13 years old. Also most men learn of, or knew thier Dads did the same thing. Many guys have found their Dad's secret stash of magazines when they were kids; and now with video and DVD which adds sound and action, the draw is even stronger. The next generation of teens is even more at risk.

Until a man recognizes that masterbation/lusting is a sin, counseling etc, etc, is a waste of time. As long as a man thinks that it is OK, but only needs to stop for his marriage or as a courtesy to his wife, the problem will come back. And because men have enjoyed the habit since their teens, it will be harder to give up then their Teddy Bear. Also some men feel, well I'll just simply reduce how much I do it, like they were cutting back on cigarette smoking.

Also on the other side of the coin

Sex Appeal is a big part in any marriage, and after marriage if the woman stops considering her sex appeal, and if the man stops complimenting her sex appeal, her looks, the easier version of sex will suck both men and women in. Pornography Sex destorys the man's need to be aggressive, because there is no challenge or requirement to take his mate.

Setting Captives Free, a Christian based Internet help site to deal with all sort of captive sins. This is an interactive course. For the 60 days, you are provided with biblical material to study, testimonies, and questions to answer. Your answers are read and responded to by one of their Staff Mentors, who will also follow your progress from day to day.

Dana_Clark62 · Newbie Joined: 01 Aug 2002 Posts: 1

I have had to deal with porn with my husband from the beginning of my marriage he was addicted to it before we were married and I did'nt know it. This really does hurt woman in a major way which I learned the hard way and I also learned that it is having an affair Jesus says that the affair happens in the mind first if a man lusts and looks at a woman that is not his wife he has committed adultery. When I found this scripture I knew I had to confront my husband and tell him how Jesus sees his addiction I did it in love but I did tell him I have every right to divorce him if he did'nt stop luckly this got thru to him and he stopped and he has'nt returned to this addiction but saddly to say it is on the rise in the church with our men and us women have to be in prayer about it to get it dealt with because it is an attack of the devil on our men, Jesus gave me my answer and I know he can with you. I hope my story gives hope to not give up, love is a decision.

Broken Hearts Ministries · Newbie Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 2

Let me take you to the living Word of God, the Bible, today for answers to your question on whether or not internet pornography is a sin. "All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work. (2 Tim. 3:16). Here is what Jesus had to say on the subject: "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matt. 5:2 Cool

. "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled but fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Heb. 13:4). Mental adultery does destroy people's lives and people's marriages. Our society is so full of lust right now and this is due to the way our internet, media and advertisers present women. There is a way that seems right unto man but ends in death (and hell). Just like the old song for little children says, "Be careful little eyes what you see, be careful little hands what you do and be careful little feet where you go," we all (especially as Christians) need to follow this advice. I (Anita Rose) am a journalist and a minister so I want to bring this message with Christian love and serious concern. Anyone whose heart has been broken for any reason may write me for prayer and counsel.

Anthony · Full Member Joined: 14 Jun 2002 Posts: 84

Quote:

saddly to say it is on the rise in the church with our men and us women have to be in prayer about it

While this issue is directed at men, lets not be fooled into thinking that this is just a mens-only issue. This is not a sin which women are immune from part taking in.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

I agree Dave, it can also very much be a women's issue. How many women do you know at work who put beefcake calendars up on their desks? Innocent fun, sorry but I disagree.

Internet chat rooms where sexual content is discussed all the time happens just as much to women. Mens magazines, going to a Chippendale club? Many women even enjoy reading and looking at Playboy just as much as the men.

What about having a stripper at a bachelorette party?

Let's not just jump on the bandwagon with the men being the only ones who are sinning here. Yes, I agree men seem to struggle more because of how they are wired up physically, but women can and do have similar problems with pornograhy.

tanza · Full Member Joined: 30 Jul 2002 Posts: 76

i do agree that women struggle with this issue to. but do you think its a recent development? and if so what triggered it? could it be a backlash to men... and with the whole woman's lib movement women wanted to be "just" like the guys?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

I don't feel it is recent with women. I have seen it in the workplace for a long, long time. I constantly had to ask people to remove offensive items from their cubicles and to ask them to stop swearing in my presence. Not that I can't handle a few slips of the tongue, but I couldn't handle someone using the "F" word 3 times in one sentence. Also, people will try to get into the internet to look at porn, even at work if they can get away with it. It is one of the reasons why I decided to start a business from my home 3 years ago and leave corporate America.

Unfortunately, it is a state of this fallen world. I think we will continue to hear more and see more in years to come.

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Quote:

but do you think its a recent development

I feel it is as recent as X-Rated movies, or the Soft-Porn movies that show up with any Priemier Channel package that comes with any cable or satellite TV service. Also with people like Dr. Ruth, who suggest a couple use pornography as way to spice up their sex life, pornography is long ago become mainstream.

Pornography is now looked upon as Training Films for not only the man, but also the woman. How to act, how do behave, and also what to ask for from your mate. Men want their wives to be the girl in the movies. And the Women wanting to be exciting and appealing attempt to deliver that fanatasy women.

Quote:

I think we will continue to hear more

Pornography is hi-tech cheating, and it is the gateway to the fantasy of a real affair. It has allow more men, and women to venture out with no effort. Listen to any radio call in show, whether it be on a Christian Radio Show, or even Dr. Laura, and listen to how many Women who have caught their husbands in a "Porno Affair".

This is much more than men and women, looking at still photographs on the internet or magazines, it is also full action movies on video and DVD.

r1013 · Newbie Joined: 18 Aug 2002 Posts: 1

My wife ran across this post and read it to me so I thought I would add my 2 cents.

When I was younger any thoughts of seeing Pornography was due to curiosity about the difference in a man and women. I had a chance to see some photos on several occasions but only once did I look while at a friends house. Matter of fact I was in Cub scouts and I quit because my whole troop was looking at a Porn magazine. I was raised to not look at such and my conviction as a Christian not to look also protected me.

My convictions of course never took away Satan's watchful eye.

Later, another factor for wanting to see porn was the unknown. In school I would hear girls talking about guys performance in bed etc.. I wanted to be prepared when my chance came along. Funny thought for a kid that should be outside playing. I just didn't want to go to bed with a girl and have to ask her what to do!!

When I became a teenager I seen porn one or two more times I think. I remember once I found a Huge stack in my uncles bathroom.

I later got married in my early 20's. I suppose we were both to immature and the marriage ended due to endless arguing after less than a year.

After my marriage I was fed up with women. I dated twice over the next 5+ years. I wanted nothing to do with women. I never even wanted to get married. I of course still had a sex drive. I masturbated but I still wanted nothing to do with women. Masturbation on most occasions involved magazines with scantly dressed women. Being a Christian I knew this was wrong just like porn. I just let it go thinking each time would be the last. Then I bought a computer!!... I didn't buy it for porn. I bought it for school. I had no idea what I was about to discover. About six months after getting on the internet I found the first porn site. I don't remember how I found the first site (although probably Spam e-mail). I looked at porn sometimes once a week and sometimes every few months. I started going to this great church with really good preaching and teaching. I was being bombarded with Satan wanting me to LOOK five days and church saying NO two days. This cycle went on for around a year. I thought to my self... all those times of being good and not looking I have now shattered. Then I met a WOMEN... Smile

...

I met her on a Christian forum. She was very sweet but I was cautious. She was mad at men and felt about them the way I felt about women. Over six months our friendship grew and we became the best of friends. I told her everything except one thing! About the porn... The reason I didn't was because her last husband had looked at it. Any thought of porn made her raging mad. I felt everyday that I would eventually get it under control. At six months we met... fell madly in love... and was married a few months later... The internet had brought me porn just when I didn't need it and brought me the most wonderful wife exactly when I needed it...

After getting married in September I quit looking at porn. But, in November I was at home one day, on the internet... and I pulled up a site that had a porn banner. Being shocked I turned it off. But an old porn address popped in my mind and stuck their. I then typed it in and pulled up a porn site I had seen before. I thought... What am I doing?.. I turned it off.... BUT... the damage had already been done. A few days later we had a revival at church. My wife stayed home that night and found the porn page on my computer. I was feeling good thinking I had repented and was dedicated to not falling back into that trap. As I came home their was my wife... MAD! I denied everything.. Yes I lied to her out of shame which only made things worse. We went to our pastor for counseling. He suggested that we read our Bible together and for me specifically to memorize scripture. He said put in more and more scripture and Bible and run the porn out.

Two years have now passed and what have I learned.......?

I learned that luckily I married a wonderful women. A women with an extremely strong stance against porn and the like. A stance that has help build my protection back up. God sent her to me at just the right time in my life. Where would the porn have taken me without her? Yes it hurt her when she found out I looked at porn, but by her knowing helped me overcome the addiction. It help me have a best friend to be accountable to.

I have also learned to look at the world a bit differently. Now that my minds not numb to porn I am devastated at the state of today's media and the way women dress so scantly. I have not turned gay and I have not lost my attractiveness toward women. But when I go out to the grocery store or Wal-Mart and see 1/3 of the women dressed like hookers it makes me mad. It makes me mad because they are trying to make me look. I am happily married and I have no desire for another women. Its just sad that women dress the way they do today. Then if I want a magazine their it is again. What about TV.. its on almost every channel. Men get bombarded from so many different directions that it seems unfair to the men and also the women that love them.

What do I do?... I occasionally will go to the magazine rack... me and my wife together... If I see something that looks bad I just leave. When I go to a store and I see women dressed or shall I say half dressed I simply look away or look down. It gets to be fun at times by not giving them the satisfaction of being stared at. We also use a filtered ISP called safebrowse. Its filtered at the server so our connection is not slowed down. I have browse quite a bit of net over the last year and only a time or two has anything got through. My wife also uses cap-alert to check out movies before we go so we see clean movies. And don't be fooled with PG-13 either because some of them should be Rated-R

We go to church and have Bible study together. We talk a lot, love a lot... and we are totally nuts about each other...

But any men reading this... beware of porn because the devil will get you with it if you not careful. Keep your guard up even if you think you have it under control. Read you Bible, memorize scripture, and love you wife mind, body and soul. Let your every sexual thought be about her and her only. You must really want it to make it happen. Today's world programing is totally against men or women being faithful. You can do it though.

14 But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.
15 Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.

Psalms 119:11 Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

1 Peter 1:16 Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy.

James 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
8 Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.

Ephesians 6:10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.
11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2170 Location: Chicago

R1013 - Glad to have you join us - we need more men posting on GT Community. Your insight and life experience are invaluable. I so appreciate your willingness to open up and share your struggle with us. It really opened my eyes to the struggle from a man's perspective.

Ladies, do not be fooled - it can happen to you too.

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