In need of prayer, encouragement, attention...

necee22 · Newbie Joined: 09 Jan 2008 Posts: 10 Location: NC

My husband recently found out that I had tubal ligation years before we met. I hid this from him thinking that if I told him, he would reject me and find me to be damaged goods. So time after time during our dating period, and a time or two while we've been married, I lied again and again. I told the truth this time; because I felt he already knew and either way, it would be lose lose.

I know I’ve hurt him badly and he feels that our entire marriage was based on a lie. Though we have talked about having another child (I have 2 from prior relationships, he has 1 biological and 2 step-daughter from the previous marriage), we came to the conclusion that we wouldn’t have any more. The subject came up again recently and he expressed his desire to have another child. All during this time, I thought that I’d be able to have this reversed, but couldn’t raise the funds to do so.

Now he says the marriage is over, has taken down our wedding pictures, has stopped going to our church (he’s also a minister), and will not pray with me. although we have sex, it’s functional, as if to fulfill a need. He says very little to me and there is a lot of tension in the home.

He constantly ignores me, and sometimes only talks to me if there is something that needs to be done, or some other perfunctory reason.
I am so tired of living like this. He says he needs time, but it's like he's not even trying to do anything differently. communication is scarce at best.

What can i do other than wait on God? i have told him that i feel very lonely, need his attention and affection and that I feel he doesn't need me.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

I'm glad you've posted and are with us in GT community.

I have to admit that I am quite amazed by your post. It saddens me that you've allowed this brokenness into your marriage and were unwilling to be honest with your husband.

OK - I'm going to very truthful here, as I have prayed for quite sometime over your post and feel as a sister in Christ, I have to be truthful with you.

You've lied from the start of your relationship and all through your marriage and you're now blaming him for his behavior, hurt feelings and rejection of you? And... because he's telling you he needs time.

That's pretty amazing....

Especially that this is all turned around and it's about what he's not providing for you. That's pretty self-centered.

My guess would be that he no longer has the ability to trust you and that he is questionning every aspect of your relationship because he can't figure out what it was built on.

Go for professional counseling and see what you can do to save your marriage by starting fresh with no more lies.

I will continue to lift you and your marriage up in prayer. I pray that the Lord will restore your marriage.

necee22 · Newbie Joined: 09 Jan 2008 Posts: 10 Location: NC

Thanks Sam. I understand the hurt and anger. And I'm sure th reason i lied in the first place is of little or no value. But being hurt and not trusting doesn't give anyone the right to mistreat someone else. An example of some behavior: Creating identities online and chatting with other women. not going to church, or having anything to do with ministry unless he is asked to preach somewhere. (& not wanting me to be there).

Needing time is not a good excuse for Total abandonment. Because one of our vehicles are down, we have been sharing a car. He's been taking my son and I to work when he can. i say this because he has taken a job 40 minutes away and doesn't care whether we have a ride to and from or not.

So god please forgive me if I'm not giving him time and space, but I still exist. Maybe I should just give up all together.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

There has been total and utter betrayal.

Not that his actions are justified - they are not. He's doing things to hurt you in the manner you have hurt him. Scripture is definitely very clear about revenge and that it is not justified - and that's what it sound like.

At the same time, you need to give him time to process this. And that could be a year or two years.

Giving up is not an option - you know how much God hates divorce.
And, this will not lead you to greener grass. It will only cause you and your children more pain.

You've rocked his world - torn it apart from the foundation - possibly causing your husband to lose his way with God. It's important that you find counseling and find your way back. No excuses for not getting the help you both desperately need.

I pray that you both have some other brothers and sisters in Christ who you can go to for accountability for your marriage. People you can trust and confide in ... and who will be honest with both of you. That accountability is necessary to get you back on track and keep you on track.

God calls us to be in community - not on an island trying to do it on our own. Self-dependency does not work - God dependency does.

necee22 · Newbie Joined: 09 Jan 2008 Posts: 10 Location: NC

You're right and I DO know how God hates divorce. i have been pouring over the bible studying about marriage, relationships, communications, etc. He refuses to pray with me, talking to anyone will be out of the question.

As it is, he only talks to me when something needs to be done, if there is an issue with the kids, or if other people are around and are talking to me.

Okay, I will try to give him his time and space completely. it's just hard being lonely in marriage. hard being ignored and lied to about different things. Hard being the receipient of revenge.
Thanx for your bluntness and kind words of Godly love Sam!

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