God's Soldier
Newbie
Joined: 01 Apr 2008
Posts: 1
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 Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 1:47 pm Post subject: In Marriage that feels like it should not have happened...? |
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I'm currently in a marriage that feels like a sad story of struggle and frustration as opposed to one that started with love and confidence.
I met my wife in bible school, and our relationship was somewhat of a distant one based on circumstance of missionary trips around the world and the business bible schools can bring on a person's life. We knew we liked each other, and the first thing she wanted to know about me was my intentions with her, and I told her...I wanted to know her and possibly have a life with her. We'll call my wife J for now. J went to another state to become a missionary at a youth camp at the end of bible school and I was still in school finishing a missonary trip in Europe. At this point I really missed her and I really wanted to ask her to be my wife, at this time I knew J for about a 1/2 year and felt we had enough in common. We both loved God, we wanted to serve Him, and we wanted a family. I returned from Europe to get ready to ask the BIG question, J was barley in her new home for a few months and having the time of her life working a the perfect time with God. So, I decided to go surprise her and ask the defining question of our marriage today.
She said yes, but really was not sure. The whole thing is on video tape, and I loved watching her be surprised, but then I realized that her "yes" was one said out of pressure and the fear of not loosing me. I hate watching the video now, and never do anymore, because after 3 years and a 9 month old daughter I realized J has not been happy since, and my life feels like it was ambushed. I ask my self, why? Why, did God allow this? I asked Him and I thought I heard correctly? I mean this is not like I am asking if I should take a job or not, it's the course of the rest of my life. I love J, and I love my daughter, which is why divorce is not an option for me, but what do I do to help my life be better? J sometimes just mopes in her bad decision of saying yes that day, and I barely realized that she is not a bitter person, she has just been in deep regret, for the last 3 years... I don't want to live like this anymore. To put it plainly, I feel like life could have 10x better if I was married to someone who actually WANTED to marry me. Maybe my timing was bad? But even, then we could have talked about it. Come on Lord, help me out here.
Anyone out there know what I'm going through and can help with words of experience or knowledge? I'm open to His spirit. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1858
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 2:57 pm Post subject: |
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First - welcome. We are so glad you have come to GT community.
| Quote: | | I'm currently in a marriage that feels like a sad story of struggle and frustration as opposed to one that started with love and confidence. |
I think if we are all perfectly honest, every marriage reaches a stage of sadness, frustration and struggle. It's what we do to work through these times that makes all the difference. Of course, it's easier to give up, but deep down we know that's not what God wants of us.
What has a tendency to derail us is the expection that the other person should make us "happy" - wrong place to look for our happiness. We have to be happy with ourselves and our relationship with God.
It seems like there are presumptions about how your wife feels from a video tape.
Have you asked her how she feels?
| Quote: | | She has just been in deep regret. |
Have you asked her if she regrets getting married?
Have you asked her to spend some time with a counselor to help you improve things in your marriage?
Counseling is not just for couples in deep weeds it's also for couples who need tune-ups.
| Quote: | | I ask my self, why? Why, did God allow this? |
Blaming God for your decision is not the place to travel to. He gives you free will to choose. You made the choice to marry your wife. There may have been Holy Spirit nudges along the way that God provided as warning signals, but because you were "in love", the nudges were possibly tossed aside.
| Quote: | | To put it plainly, I feel like life could have 10x better if I was married to someone who actually WANTED to marry me. |
That's fantasy thinking and it's not from God if your mind is traveling down this path. That's Satan planting a seed that you'll be much happier outside this marriage with someone else. And you know that's simply not true.
If your wife really did not want to marry you, she would have made a decision not to do so. If she really didn't want to stay married to you, she would have found excuses to not have children.
Sometimes young moms are simply tired and overwhelmed by all that they have to do to take care of a child. Sometimes they are blue/ melancholy and a child puts a dent in the spontaneity of the marriage relationship. It takes more work, more time and more planning to have a marriage be all that it can be once children arrive.
| Quote: | | What do I do to help my life be better? |
Do the work and expend your energy in getting the help you need to have an "excellent" marriage. Find a mentor couple to talk to whose marriage you admire and have them provide coaching and direction. Appreciate the gift that you've been given in your wife and child. If you do, your marriage and your life will be 10 x better than you feel it is right now.
I have lifted you and your marriage up in prayer this afternoon. |
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