I'm the one who wants to Separate

Luci Cate · Newbie Joined: 10 Jul 2007 Posts: 9

It's been several months since I've posted my story, and I'll briefly re-cap. I've been married for 14 yrs. For this entire time, my husband has been an extremely difficult person...terrible attitude, verbally insulting, emotionally damaging to me and our relationship. I finally grew a spine and started standing up to him more and more over the last several years, but that only seemed to make him more determined to be a bigger 'jerk' . This January, I discovered him hiding sexual sin- it had been going on for 2 yrs. It was a bizarre perverted fetish. (not porn, but I wonder now if it started that way).

I confronted him the moment I found him in the act. I went to our pastor, began seeking help, counseling. I'd completely had enough and had already lost my love for him before I found about the sexual sin.

It's been an agonizing year- he's trying to make changes, or at least he says he wants to totally change and be a man of God, treat me right, wants complete resistution. I am exhausted, I have no energy to listen to him wail and moan anymore about what he wants to do when he isn't doing it. The acting out has stopped, but he continues to lash out at me in very painful ways verbally.

For example- one of my closest friends came to me last year *before* I found out about my Husbands sexual sin. She said, 'somethings wrong, what is it' I cried and confided much to her about our relational problems. She was very compassionate.....she also later diliberately told 2 of my other friends that we were having problems as a couple....tried to talk about it with each of them several times. Fortunately, they both came to me and said, I think you need to know something....so I know she told them....how many others I don't know but I'm sure there are more. (But I don't care at this point) I was very upset, naturally....I went to her first and confronted her about it- she got very defensive and said 'it was only one person anyway'....and then I said, what about person B".....she got very quiet....another excuse was that she only said something when Person B asked about us....so another lie. Anyway, the discussion didn't go welll, she did say she was sorry but hasn't talked to me since and has ignored me and left me out of several things. (she is a Christian and we attend the same church)

So- many of us couples with young children were at a sporting event this summer- I saw her and her family and said a casual 'hello X' how's everybody. She walked right past me without a word. We get home from this later that night and my HUSBAND says to me, all of a sudden,
'how could you treat X like that! THat's terrible, you totally ignored her! I felt really sorry for her sitting alone with her family!" I said, wait a minute, you feel sorry for HER? She's the one who broke the confidence and ignores me! Where is this coming from and why don't you have any compassion for me?? This is typical of some of the things he continues to say to me. He has, on several occassions, told me I'm the one with the problem because I won't forgive him.

Forgiveness is a process, I have read much on this lately and it is like peeling away layers. I have forgiven him actually, but that is just the beginning to resolving where I need to go for healing. He does not understand that.

We went to a joint counseling meeting last week....it made me realize I am stuffing issues again because my husband will often not even talk to me, communicates very little beyond a few polite words. And then continues to verbally last out - which is less but it is happening. He has NOT gone to my parents and confessed - which is what he was counseled to do. He is not consistent with counseling himself and has not joined a mens group - he doesn't feel he needs it as he did not commit adultry.... well he did in my opinion, and the opinion of several Godly Christians who are my true mentors and friends right now. Yet he says, what matters is that he's not acting out anymore....

I cannot take this anymore....I feel like I am suffocating in my own house. He refuses to leave, says he won't leave until a couselor or Pastor tells him it's the Godly thing to do. I have young children, 4 and 7. I feel it's best if I stay in the house for us and he leaves, which he won't. I feel manipulated again. I am growing toward God, I am a part of 2 groups that are helping me throw this time and I am doing personal Bible Study and a Beth Moore Bible study.....the amazing thing is that I feel such a peace, that God will take care of me no matter what. And I'm ready to take this step of separation.

Any thoughts?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

Separation in most cases is a precursor to divorce unless it is negotiated by a third party with accountability for you and accountability for your husband.

becca_0627 · Newbie Joined: 06 Nov 2007 Posts: 2

Continue with Counseling and discuss your feelings of wanting to separate there. The good news is, he wants to do the right thing. He's willing to change his behavior. Visit your pastor together. Go to church together. I advise you to read Stormie Omartians book, "Praying through the deeper issues of Marriage".
Just stay connected to God through prayer and faith and as long as you feel that "peace" you describe, you can rest assured that the Holy spirit is at work in you and your marriage.

I have a similar story (married 17 years 3 kids) My husband is verbally abusive and an alcoholic that refuses to go to AA (he hasn't had a drink in over 2 years and he is angry at the world about that) He blames me for EVERYTHING. He puts a negative spin on anything that makes me happy. Like you, I have reached my breaking point. I'm tired. Everyday it's something new with him to complain and be angry about. It's hard to live a peaceful happy life. I've been through the pornography circle and issues with sex too. If I didn't have these kids, I would have left a long time ago. But right now, it may be the best if we do not split but I don't know how much longer I can stay in this marriage. My youngest child is 7. My husband has stopped going to church with us, he refuses to go to couseling and says he won't change. He thinks he's good enough and has basically said if he isn't good enough than I should find someone who is. I've asked him to leave but he refused.....I'm sure he's worried more of what the neighbors think and probably doesn't think I am serious.

So for now, I am in indiviual counseling, I've told my pastor, and I am in constant prayer over this. Divorce is serious. Separation is too but that might be the only thing that saves us if I can just get there. I pray everyday that the Holy spirit shields me from additional abuse. I am trying to save money and be prepared for the worse. My miracle would be my husband would step up to the plate and get the help he needs so he can be a loving person again. That is my prayer.

My advice to you is couseling and read that book if you can. It has helped me put things into a spritual/christian perspective and has given me hope.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

Another great book is Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson.

If you are living with abuse - verbal, emotional or physical it's always best to remove yourself from the situation. However, I have found in my marriage that I can concentrate a lot on my husband's faults and fail to look at my own. Your spouse can be dead wrong in their behavior, their sinful lusts, etc. They can be less than honoring to your marriage vows - but God is still very capable of changing them.

If they will not go for counseling or help, that is another story. It shows you their unwillingness to restore your marriage and contribute to it's well-being. It reflects the condition of the heart. If a spouse is willing to still go for counseling, and yet you don't see the improvement you want them to make - how about leaving the internal improvement in God's hands. He's the heart surgeon - we are not.

My husband is by no means a perfect husband and I am far from being the perfect wife. Where Satan feeds us lies is - we can find another perfect mate to replace the imperfect one we have. Problem is, the imperfection in us follows us to the next relationship if we don't let God do the heart surgery on us.

My heart can be very cold and unloving. It can be less than Christlike in my ability to love my husband. I've found for myself - it's a daily choice to love my husband even when he is unloveable. It's drawing on Christ's love moment by moment. If I depend on my human love, it fails.

By no means are your husbands not responsible for their behavior and effect on your marriages and family. They are very accountable if you follow scripture. But God will deal with them justly and in His time. Do you trust Him enough to do that? Can you wait on the Lord's timing?

We cannot change our husbands - only God can. The question then becomes, what do we pray? Lord, change my husband? No.
We pray for the love of Christ to enter our husband's hearts. And, in the process work on our own personal growth in becoming more Christlike every day.

If you get a chance, pick up the The Divine Mentor by Wayne Cordeiro. It's a new one I just started reading this week. It will change your relationship with God through the guidance of the Holy Spirit and teach you how to listen to scripture for promptings rather than your own heart. It's an amazing book!

becca_0627 · Newbie Joined: 06 Nov 2007 Posts: 2

Thanks, I will pick up the books today.
Everything you have said in your post is true.
My greatest challenge has been forgiveness and my ability to love my husband.
I stay married because I believe that marriage is a gift from God and it was given to us to glorify Jesus and to help us become more christlike through our marriage. If we love God first and our spouse second, we will be glorified in Christ.
The problem is, you stated that it's a daily choice to love your husband even when he is unlovable. You are correct and thats when the fatigue factor of living with this for so long kicks in. I'm too tired and it's becoming impossible for me to make the right choice (to love him).
So I guess my heart has become hard and I need to pray for the Lord to soften my heart so I can love him again through the Lord. Cause right now, I don't think I know how to love this man anymore. If I cannot love him, then my Christian reasons for staying married are gone.
I worry for my children everyday. My husband has anger explosions about once a year. Mostly directed towards the kids (sometimes me but I can walk away from it) 4 months ago, he was verbally and physically abusive to our teenage daughter. I can't even begin to tell you how much damage that has done to his relationship with her and our marriage alike.
It is here, over this issue,(his anger in general) he refuses to get the help I speak of. I have 2 other children (younger) who would be devastated if we divorced. It would be so unfair. His anger festers everyday and my pastor thinks he will strike again someday.
You stated in the beginning of your post, if you live with abuse, you should remove yourself from the situation. I just don't know how to do that. I have 3 kids!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

I imagine you are very scared, but if you are living with physical abuse and he is abusing your children, you do need to separate yourself from the situation.

Please go back to your pastor and explain what has occurred - ask for his assistance and that of the church for temporary housing for you and your children and for help with finding work if necessary. Your church family should be willing and able to help you. If not, there are many local and county agencies who help women and children of abuse.

rdsmith3 · Full Member Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 274 Location: NJ

becca_0627 · Newbie Joined: 06 Nov 2007 Posts: 2

I do not fear my husband and I do not fear he would ever do this again. I think he carries a lot of guilt for loosing control and I think he regrets his actions. However, having said that by no means do I think I can move towards love and reconciliation unless he goes to counseling. I have a considerable amt of Credit card debt that needs to be paid off before I leave this man. I make good money on my own so this is possible. I feel like God is giving me the chance to do that and I also feel that there is no immediate danger to my self or my children. My husband is well aware that if he ever crosses the line again, he will [u]have[/u] to leave this house. It is my prayers and God of course that keep us safe until that time comes. I feel sad and angry that he has turned out this way and I have come to the hard acceptance that I am powerless on my own to reconcile this marriage. In other words, It has been very hard to accept the things I caanot change and [u]slowly[/u] I am being given the courage to change what I can. And there is some wisdom coming to me too Smile

....So thanks for your advice Sam and rdsmith3 but what I really need are your prayers Exclamation

Luci Cate · Newbie Joined: 10 Jul 2007 Posts: 9

Joyfulandfree~
I'm so sorry you are in a similar situation. You know what you are able to do and I'll say a prayer for you. I know exactly how you feel and the confusion, frustration & turmoil that comes with it. I'm not sure how I feel about thinking that your, and my, heart has become hardened toward our husbands. It feels more like earnest exhaustion and trying over and over to give him 'another and another' chance that I don't have the energy to stay on that merry go round anymore. It seems contradictory to what God intends for a marriage. If a pattern and behavior does not eventually change, and the marriage has become emotionally, verbally, physically damaging....any one or all of the above, how is it the Godly thing to do to expect the person on the receiving end to continue to 'hang in there'? I don't fear my husband, he has never been physically aggressive or violent at all, but I sense that he is unstable. He is recently started medication for anxiety issues and OCD. I have had a few fleeting thoughts of 'what if he just blows up one day'? Those thoughts have made me nervouse.

My husband has agreed to counseling, but has readily backed off when he feels 'the house tension' is less....which is when the silence and withdrawal begins again, along with the verbal outbursts. When I call him on it, he suddenly wants to bring in a 3rd party to smooth the tension. This has been the cycle all year. So what's the true motivation for counseling? Fix the moment and move on it seems. To me it's not a true change of heart. I can't be the one to hold him accountable to his own personal change and growth.

Sam, your posts are very true, and I see that I am not very nice to him alot of times. It's hard for me to be nice to him, it seems very superficially fake, but I know that's what God expects of me. I am learning that I can't control his actions, but I can control how I respond and react to his actions. That is my job, and only with the Grace of God can I do that. When I am kinder to him is when he lets down his guard again and 'regresses'. So in part I"m seeing his heart when I do what I know is right. That's not very encouraging to me.

It is very sad to be this far into a marriage and see how someone can be so different and choose to destroy what could have been a wonderful relationship. I fear what this type of marital relationship will teach my daughters how to choose a mate. It is very painful to go day to day and know I'm in a situation that is painful. I don't work away from home, so financially for me to leave would be very difficult, especially with young children. I dont' have any answers, I know that I'm so hurt and grieved by what has become that I can't imagine having to live with someone who chooses not to make those heart changes after all that has happened.

becca_0627 · Newbie Joined: 06 Nov 2007 Posts: 2

Thanks for your prayers Luci Cate. I'll say one for you too.
I'll never forget the day I discovered the pornography. I was devastated. We were in therapy at the time and it was in a therapy session that I was able to speak out and put a stop to that. It did stop so I know things can change.
You hit the nail on the head. Its constantly us giving them another chance.
It's emotionally exhausting. I told my husband that I'm almost at the end of my rope with him. Sometimes, I think he just wants me to let go. Yes it's true, God did not intend any of this for a marriage and God wants us all to be happy. I truly beleive that God is fighting this fight for me. When ever I feel mentally exhausted, I know it's cause I have not let God take over that day ( Days that I forget to pray, my marriage is more of a struggle).
I am a nurse. I think it's great that your husband has begun medication. You will see changes in his behavior and perhaps he will be more receptive to counseling once the medication is working. I think someday my husband will consent to therapy. We were in marriage counseling 2 years ago and it was disaster for him. The counselor was female and sided with me. My husband felt victimized through the whole thing. Now he says, It didn't work before and it's not going to work again. You can't change me. I have said, I don't want to change you, I just want you to work on this marriage. I've told him to seek out a male counselor and go for individual treatment. I'm not sure how much longer my husband will live with my emotional and physical(sexual) rejection. I mean, I hope it can only be a matter of time before he becomes proactive and realizes that change is in order. In the mean time, I feel emotionally divorced which I know is damaging. I am kind to him (civil) and try to avoid fighting at all costs for the sake of the kids. Its VERY important to me to provide some kind of stability and instill any kind of "good" memories for these children for as long as I can. A separation or divorce will only destroy my goals for a happy family. I was told by a spiritual counselor that if I cannot provide a happy marriage for my children, the next best thing I can provide is to be a loving mother. My kids know my husband has issues but they all love me so much and that is my only driving force right now. My love for them protects them. My daughter told me the other day that she feels Gods love for her through me. So the Lord is using me and everyday I pray his will.
Hang in there. From reading your story, I can see things are actively changing in your marriage even though you may not sense it. Keep me posted.

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