Im still in love with my ex...

writerspick · Newbie Joined: 11 May 2006 Posts: 3

Greetings,
I am a married, mom of two, stay at home mom. I am also heavily involved in youth ministry (ages 11-19). The problem I am having is that I am still very much encapsulated with the man I was dating before I married my husband. See, my husband was actually a "rebound". This other man had been in and out of my life for almost four years...when I met my husband it was just at one of those "off times" with the other guy. But, I was never really over the other guy... Nevertheless, I married my husband and the guy married someone else. However, we have maintained a very light contact over the last five years. Like, talking once or twice a year. We had not, however, actually seen each other since 2001. Well, we decided last month to meet each other for coffee...that ended in an open mouthed kiss. I knew I couldn't see him again after that, I mean I KNEW IT. But, against everything I knew was right, I met him again...this time we went TOO FAR. I mean, I did not have sex with him, but we just went to far. I'll leave it at that. My issue is this- I still love him. But, I am married now...with two kids...in the ministry... I need help letting go. I thought of telling my husband, but it would CRUSH HIM to pieces. Simply because, he always felt that he came in second to this other guy...I could not bear the thought of hurting him with the knowledge that I had actually reconnected with the guy and almost had sex with him. Please help.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

It's called the Greener Grass Syndrome and there is actually a book written by a lady named Nancy Anderson with that title. I highly recommend it - it's a good read for your situation.

I shoot straight from the hip. You are having an affair. Just because the physical act of sex was not involved does not mean it isn't one. Emotional affairs occur too.

The progression of an affair looks like this:

Connection of your heart to another

Diminishing the value of marriage vows

Sharing intimate details and feelings

An emotional hook - all you can think about is this person

Comparing the qualities of this individual to what your spouse lacks

Romantic fantasy

Thinking God won't notice your thoughts

Avoiding prayer, church, or God's word

Some guidelines need to be set up and you need a girlfriend to hold you accountable - no more contact by phone or e-mail or in person with this man. You stand the chance of destroying two families and your ability to lead a youth group.

There is a commitment you made as a woman of God to your husband. You said you meant it for life, now live out what you said. Whatever is broken in your marriage - work on fixing it.

peacerome · Newbie Joined: 04 May 2006 Posts: 19

Greetings. Okay, as a betrayed spouse...I have to enter in. I also tell it like it is (and you can read my story by my other posts). You have to face facts before you can begin to recover. YOU DID HAVE SEX!! I don't know what you qualify as sex...or, too far...but an open mouth kiss and "almost" having sex...IS SEX!! I doubt you would see it any other way if it were your husband having these "meetings" with an ex. The moment you talked with your ex (or emailed) and especially met with him without your husband's knowledge...you committed adultery. So, now it is the "what should I do" phase. RUN....FLEE...from ANY contact with your ex. You don't talk to him under the pretense of "seeing what we have done or help me figure out what I feel or I just need to talk to someone about it"...all these thoughts are from the DEVIL. Because you have these secrets with someone other than your husband...you are doomed to fail. SIN GROWS IN DARKNESS!! You MUST get the secrets out into the light ...with your HUSBAND...I know this will be the hardest thing you ever do (and I am praying for you and your marriage and your family). If you keep this secret with your OM you will be led back to the affair...I PROMISE!! You are NOT that strong...as a matter of fact you are VERY weak when it comes to this area...that is obvious...hopefully it is to you too! You HAVE had an affair and you can't sugarcoat it. There are lots of books out there to read and get help. I would also suggest counseling IMMEDIATELY. As a matter of fact, when you tell your husband...I would have already set up counseling and tell him you have. Believe me, the truth WILL set you free. Even if you never see or talk to the OM again, keeping the secret will eat you alive for the rest of your life and it will destroy your marriage and family. There are so many good websites out there to get help. Start surfing the net and find some help and support and advice. Then, set up a time (without kids...probably for a couple of days) and tell your husband. This will be the hardest thing you do and the hardest time in your life...the affair was easy compared to restoring your marriage. But, if you value your self, your husband, your marriage, your kids and your Lord...you will do the right thing. You MUST break all contact immediately. And, I would end it with a phone call or email directly to your OM and have your husband right there. NEVER, EVER see or correspond with the OM again. You have some really hard decisions and the recovery process is really hard...but the secret that will eat away at you and your marriage and family and relationship with the Lord and your ministry is so much harder. P.S. Just an FYI...my husband says that he had an almost affair ten years ago with a colleague...sounds like your situation...and it was just some kissing and almost stuff (I know the details now...and it IS sex!! Just because it wasn't intercourse does not excuse it from being sex) and he said that if he had confessed this 10 years ago and we had gotten help...our marriage would not have suffered for 10 years because of his lies, secrets and guilt...and, THE BIG AND...he knows for a fact that his weakness from the secrets and lies and guilt led him straight into being vulnerable to Satan's attack and he was primed for a full-blown, longterm affair 2 years ago. His affair 10 years ago he thought was over...and with her it was...but the secrets never left...and he said he excused it because he didn't want to hurt me and thought it would be better for him, me, our family and our marriage if he dealt with it alone. Very wrong choice. He knows that now. Please take from our tremendous trials and learn from them. I hope this helps. I don't judge you at all...Satan has attacked you and your marriage...don't let him win...CHRIST IS THE VICTORY. Be a true witness for the Lord and confess your failures and ask for forgiveness and reconcil your marriage. You made a commitment before God and everybody with your vows...you have broken them so tremendously and you can't really imagine what you have done..but thank God ...He is full of grace and mercy. Grab onto that with all your heart and soul and begin the process of healing. I am with you in spirit. I am praying for you (and the OM) and your husband. God Bless.

writerspick · Newbie Joined: 11 May 2006 Posts: 3

I want to first thank you all for the posts, especially the last one...but I am beyond trepidation. I fear divorce.. See, I had a close encounter already once with a police officer last fall, that ended in a hug. But the hug and the couple of phone calls was enough to almost destroy my husband. Plus, what made it really bad was the fact that he had given me the opportunity to "come clean", but I didn't...I didn't tell him about the hug until almost a week later after I had to divulge the truth about the phone calls. Well, that was over...and I never talked to the officer again. Well, my husband and I had a really nice heart to heart this past saturday night, in which he looked me right in my eyes and asked me if I had any secrets from him, or if I had ever been intimate with another man...I was so caught off guard! I was thinking to myself, like why in the world wouuld he ask me something like that- now? Well, I almost, almost, almost told him about the ex..but I jsut couldn't! It was like something inside said, "DON'T TELL HIM! After all you did that with so and so,...and that would kill your husband!" So, I diverted the truth- with you guessed it- ANOTHER LIE! I feel awful. I could hardly raise my hands in worship yesterday and I can hardly eat. I could almost tell my husband if it were a complete stranger, but the fact that it was with the man I was with before I married, would destroy my husband. He felt like he was my second choice to this man...besides that, we just brought a brand new house and things are going so well now. I can't bear the thought of losing him, or telling him that I performed you know what on this guy. I thought oral sex was somehow not as evasive as vaginal sex, but now it seems worse. In truth, I believe my husband would ask for a divorce, and I cannot bear that. Let alone, all my close friends and family, made privy to it. HOW DID I GET HERE!

webacus · Posted: Mon May 15, 2006 10:11 am Post subject:

writers, I hear the distress in your voice.
I prayed for you.

Good advice here, but of course easier said than done.

Do you have a close Christian friend you can
confide in?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

There is something obviously taking place within yourself that you have now made two choices to cross the line toward intimacy with other men.
Until you can seek counseling and discover what it is that is driving you in this direction, you will never have the marriage you desire with your husband. It will be a lie.

It's time to come clean, stop the lies and tell your husband the truth. Be honest with him and answer every single question he asks of you.

God see it all - everything... And, while you can hide the truth from your husband, it cannot be hidden from God.

peacerome · Newbie Joined: 04 May 2006 Posts: 19

Hello writerspick. I sent you a private post as well. My heart breaks for you and the decisons you have made. As a betrayed spouse, I have feelings from both sides of this story. I am glad you are now convicted that what you have done is wrong...that is the beginning.

Lots of hard questions to follow. If you want you can "journal" the answers to me. I will be more than happy to listen. Sometimes it helps to put down all your thoughts and get them out of your head.

Now, you've got to get real. What have you done? Why? What were the reasons you were willing to sacrifice everything? Were you missing something in your life? marriage? especially to play with fire twice in a short period of time. Do you want to get caught? What are you punishing yourself for? Are you punishing your husband for something?

Has your affair with the OM ended? completely? How did you end it? Will he cause trouble? Do you love him? Are you still tempted? Do you love your husband?

What do you want?

I promise one lie will lead to another and another. You will spend your life and destroy your marriage and family and everything else chasing this monster. It will eat you alive and destroy your life and marriage.

Your husband is obviously insecure when it comes to you and your vows. Why? Obviously he has reason to be concerned...but how does he know? Has your behavior led him to believe this? How do you treat him and your marriage. Is it the most important thing after your relationship with the Lord? More important than the kids, the ministry, how tired and irritable you are? Have you done everything you can to make the marriage all it can be? Where have you failed (besides the obvious). Where has he failed? What can you do now? How can it be fixed?

Please work on yourself through reading, website research, counseling (Christian) and lots of prayer. Then, you need to work with your husband on your marriage relationship. There are a lot of great marriage conferences and resources. I can suggest some. You now have to fix this mess...pray that the Lord will tell you how and when.

Again, I recommend calling or emailing Focus on the Family (www.family.org) or someone like them and ask for Christian Counseling help (and this website Growthtrac). Reach out and there are a lot of people and resources for you.

Pray and the Lord will lead and guide you. He will convict you to do what is right...each situation is different and only He has the answers for yours.

Again, you are in my prayers. God led you to this message board and that is certainly a great beginning.

writerspick · Newbie Joined: 11 May 2006 Posts: 3

Well, I know what I have to do...but I am not prepared to do it now. Thanks for all the honesty, guys. I have to walk this thing out first, gotta get my mind around it, then I can talk. I can't do it just yet.

peacerome · Newbie Joined: 04 May 2006 Posts: 19

I understand you are overwhelmed and in a panic. Pray that God will calm you and give you the knowledge of how to go about telling your husband. I agree that you need to have your mind together before you tell him...but, I promise, if you are waiting until the time is right or you understand what you have done or how you feel....you never will!! It will take counseling, the help of your husband, confession, repentance, NO CONTACT with the OM, a willing heart and spirit to reconcil and restore your marriage and family, etc. You will never be ready...but you have to. Give yourself a little time, but plan on telling him soon. Do you think you can go through the rest of your life and not tell him....keep the secret with only the OM? It will destroy you and your marriage. What would happen if he found out on his own...or caught you? Would he be more receptive to that? I doubt it...I would think you coming to him with a broken heart and a willingness to do whatever it took to repair your marriage (and he needs to also) would give you a better chance at restoration. I pray that your husband will be receptive to hear you and want to restore the marriage. When you are ready to "talk" we are hear to listen. God Bless.

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