i need strength through faith

foenyxhealing · Newbie Joined: 03 Dec 2006 Posts: 7

i found out today that my husband of 12 yrs is having an affair.

we have been in an awful cycle for much of our 15yr relationship. my childhood was spent being pushed away by my parents, so when i feel ignored by him, i get either needy and cry lots or i yell. i see my part in the pattern, he refuses to see that he is a distant husband and father. we just keep pulling. in the past few months i have been working on changing my part of the pattern, knowing that married or single, it isn't healthy to live out childhood dynamics.

i found out today that for the past couple of months, while his family has been waiting at home for him, he's been taking off early to be with a woman who just left her marriage.

i feel foolish, but i want to make it work. i know the affair is just a symptom. all day long i have been fighting becoming the emotional wreck i usually am. i have been praying and calling the last pastor that truly helped us (we have had 4 or 5 moves since then).

but i am hoping that there is someone here, right now, this moment, that can give me words of faith, hope, encouragement, wisdom...

i know it is so rude to come to a board like this and just dump things down, but right now at this moment i need a connection so i don't give up and fall into the pit of depression . i just got out of one, i don't want to go back in. so if you are there and reading this- please reach back, i have run out of people to turn to.

grieving wife · Newbie Joined: 20 Nov 2006 Posts: 8

Bree,
My heart goes out to you. I have been hoping since my husband revealed his infidelity to me 7 months ago that I would not go through this for nothing. I definitely want my hurt to benefit someone else who's going through it too. I do not have all the answers as I'm still going through the healing & restoration time too. But my prayers are with you. God will see you through this, as He is seeing me through it. Somehow someway it can bring glory to God. One thing I'm sure of...is I would not be where I am right now if I had not insisted on counseling. I needed it for ME...not for HIM. I needed to know how to heal, forgive and stop the intense pain I was feeling. We have met with our counselor for 3 weeks now. It's helping tremendously! I'm not sure if your husband has any interest in reconciliation, but I pray he does. This is a difficult road to travel...and sometimes it seems impossible! I pray that you & he will both look at your lives and accept responsibility where necessary and reach out to oneanother and begin the process of restoration and healing. Hold fast to the truth of God's Word...though I know from my own experience, sometimes that brought even more pain seeing where my husband deviated from it. God is faithful. Hold on to TRUTH and know that God is still in control. I wish I could help....and I pray that someday on the otherside of all this...that God will use me in the lives of other hurting wives.

Prayers and blessings....

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2047 Location: Chicago

So sorry you are hurting and going through this. I only know that out of my deep pain God has carried me through it and has helped me grow into the woman he planned, rather than the one I planned. I know he will do the same thing for you.

Counseling is a necessity. You cannot cry, beg and plead with your husband. This will not change his mind, but only push him further away from you. It's good that you recognize your reactions are out of the pain from your past.

There are two great books I would like to recommend - Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson and Every Heart Restored by Stephen Arterburn.

My prayers are with you and your family.

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

Hang on, the first few days are the worst. Its like you are in a tornado. You keep turning your head to find safe ground and the spinning makes you sick to the very pit of your stomach.

I am sure that you have taken time to read all the forum posts that pertain to your problem. Unfortunately, you are not alone here. We all react in different ways, but we can all heal, if we see God in the situation.

You are an adult. Don't worry about your childhood traumas at this time. I know where you are coming from, but you must draw strength. There is nothing more childish than a man in an affair. They are giddy, self-righteous and there is no way they want their toy taken away from them. We even had one in our church who told the pastor that he had prayed about it and was sure that God wanted him to continue in the new relationship. The pastor's reaction was pretty funny.

SAM is right, begging and pleading won't win his heart. I am sure those are not the romantic gestures that brought you together to begin with. You need to dig into the Bible and find solice. Read 1 Corinthians Chap. 13 and see how you are doing on practicing Love. How does your husband stack up?

If your church has access to the COVENANT KEEPERS counseling materials I would suggest that you ask for a copy of articles pertaining to your situation.

What was your husband's reaction to your knowledge?

foenyxhealing · Newbie Joined: 03 Dec 2006 Posts: 7

Thanks all.

We have been through this before, to a lesser degree. Seven years ago, I saw the same patterns. Suddenly he re-wrote our history to be all negative. He was more distant than usual. It turns out it started the same way last time (only last time didn't go so far). They talked through her problems and he began to see the same problems in our relationship. They are agreed they made the same mistakes. No projection there I suppose.

I am going through the same things as last time, loss of appetite- I can't sleep because as soon as my subconscious kicks in, all sorts of fears and betrayals creep in.

He was calm when I confronted him. And for once I remained calm. At first he blamed me, but I refused that burden.

I am being more aggresive about counseling (for me) I have been calling people all day. I plan to have a mainstream counselor through our insurance and I hope to also find a spiritual counselor. We have been cooperating today, calling to find a marriage therapist that will see us on short notice.

My heart wants to stay with him, even with what he has done (and almost done before). My head tells me I'm a fool. I prepare for being a single mother, but I pray that we are together long after our children are grown.

My conclusion is, I can only work on fixing me, and cooperate with fixing us if he takes the steps also. She needs to be out of the picture while we are still together, but she is also only a symptom. I can't control that. I can only control me and keep praying for strength.

It hurts so to have kids going through this with me this time. My 6yo has asked questions about why we are so sad and where Daddy always is. My 2yo has started looking all over the house for Daddy at random moments. It's like he's not just cheating on me, he's cheating on them by stealing their time.

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