i need some help or advice or something

broken07 · Junior Member Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 41

not sure really how to begin this. i paid for my wife to attend the women's conf. at church this past friday and saturday. when i ask her did she enjoy the conf. she said yes and that she had gotten something out of it. when i ask what it was she said she didn't want to talk about it. i ask why not and she just ask me to leave it at that. i ask was there anything i could do to make things better or help and she said yes but wasn't sure if i would do it, but again she would not elobrate. this all took place friday night. Saturday we spoke again after the conference and i ask her if she would explain herself. She said that she learned the she had to take care of herself, she had always tried to do for the kids and for me and she never done anything for herself. she started pointed out what all she had tried to do for me and how i didn't appreciate her and that i never put forth the same effort when it came to her. I am hard enough on mslef with out her pointing out every thing i screwed up again and again she makes me feel like a failure or she compounds those feelings i have for myself. She got upset and was crying and saying "By God i am going to do something for me" She pretty much told me at one point that she didn't care what i thought about who she talked to or where she went when i wasn't with her that we lived in 2 separate houses and it was none of my business. and i told her that we were still married and i was concerned about who she was hanging out with or talking to. I tried to explain my concerns and my feelings but she became cold and pretty much said she didn't care what i felt. she kept telling me to be patient that she was going to have to find herself and work on her before she could work on us. i told her that is thing that upset me that she never talked about an US it was always "take care of those kids and me" She mentioned over a month ago about seeing a counselor but still has not made an appointment. i have started seeing a counselor again, my mind is so screwed up right now i am not sure if i am ready to make a decision. As i type this i want to throw my hands in the air and give up. It is hard for me to be patient and not spend time with her, i feel that with no just "us" time we grow further and further apart. All this started jan. of last year, i am not sure how much more of this i can endure. i find a new boundary to my limit every day. i ask her yesterday when we were talking if a divorce is what she wanted and she said "everytime things don't go your way you talk about a divorce and want to know if that will make me happy as long as i agree with you you are ok" i don't want a divorce i never have but i would like to see her putting forth a little effort into our marriage and not just herself. i try and try to do things that are nice an things that a husband is suppose to do for his wife. I mowed her yard and i try to do other things for her too but in return i feel like i am being used. i need something and i don't know what.
can someone help me answer some of these questions
1. should i be doing things for her should i be mowing her yard and
and helping her out?
2. what do i think or do about her sitting there telling me "i don't
really care that it bothers you or upsets you"
3. the kids can see how much this hurts and saddens me, how much
of this do i take?
4. she tells me she doesn't know what she wants when it comes to
her and i and our marriage, do i just sit by while she leads her
separate life when she doesn't have the kids until she makes up
mind what she wants to do with me?
i am sure i had something else but my mind is running in so many different directions right now i am not real sure that this post is going to make sense. what few friends outside of church i have tell me i am crazy and that they know of no one that would have put up with her this long. the friends in church that know about our problems tell me to hang in there and that God will take care of us and to be patient. Hard to be patient when i see my wife and marriage and family slipping by and everyone so unhappy.
The thing that keeps running thru my head this morning is that maybe i should divorce her and tell her that if she every finds herself to look me up. oh yeah she keeps telling me that i dont' want her, and that i will not like the person that she has become. i have no idea what to do. she said she didn't want a divorce but she had no idea if i was in her future or not.
i am scared and hurt and she pretty much said she didn't care. i don't know what to do.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

I'm glad you're going back to counseling for yourself. I pray that it will help you. There is nothing you can do to change your wife.

I would encourage you to not bring up divorce with your wife.
She may feel this is what you want when it's really something she doesn't want. to do.

1) Yes, you should be mowing the yard and other maintenance things around your home that a husband should do.

2) Yes, you should love her even when she does not love herself or feel she loves you at the moment.

3) Do not involve your children in this situation or tell them how much mommy saddens you. Do not speak against their mother even when you are angry with her. I'm not saying that you do this, but I am saying be aware of it. Your facial expressions or rolling of your eyes speaks more volume than your words.

4) Yes, you sit by and pray for her.

It really sounds like she is not sure what she wants. And, that she is very far away from God right now, or maybe even wrestling with Him. But, there is something that seems obvious from your posts - she is in pain and doesn't know what to do with it. It sounds like she has been hurt in your relationship and her heart and feelings are dead. But, she is there. She is staying in your home and not running away. She's staying. And, that's a good thing.

James 1:2-6
2-4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

5-8If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.

broken07 · Junior Member Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 41

Sam, thanks again for your replies!

We do not live together she moved out last spring. I have mowed her yard where she lives now. I am very cautious about expressions but i have never said a negative word towards their mother. When the kids do say they miss mama or wish we all could live together i reassure them that that is what i want too and that i love her very much. the thing i do not understand is that the kids never say anything to her about living together again or so forth. she has told me she was so caught up doing for other people that she lost who she was, that includes me too.
we both have stayed in church, just recently she started a new sunday school class and i remained in the one we were in. How can someone be struggling with or be so far away from God if they attend church and continue bible study?

Yes she is hurt, I did that to her not intentionally, but that doesn't matter i hurt her and never realized i was doing it. I carry that with me every day.

She tells me she doesn't want a divorce but she doesn't know what she wants. I don't know what to do with that. She said sunday that she was sorry she had lost faith in us. i told her just have Faith in Him and by His Grace we would find each other again.

She has told me that she sees things that she does that conerns me but she just really don't care if it bothers me or not. She keeps telling me i shouldn't worry about what she does because we live in separate houses. i just looked at her and told her that we were still married no matter where she lived and what she done still had something to do with me. or i think it does anyways.

yes i do trust that God will take care of it. But i am like most men and want to be able to fix it myself, that is hard for me to do.

i never wanted her to leave and i really want her to come home. but not come back to the relationship we had, i can see a relationship that is so much healthier and much more loving and stronger than every before.

a couple of weeks ago i had an appt. with a lawyer to draw up papers and i prayed and prayed about what i was suppose to do. I called and cancelled the appt. because i felt if i had the papers drawn up that i was not putting my faith in God but showing that i didn't feel He would help. I felt bad about making the appt. after i thought about it.

i am pretty certain that she has been unfaithful, it may have not gotten physical but emtionally she had an affair. i am not sure beyond they emotional part beacuse she has lied so much about that.

i am reading Every Mans Marriage right now, if you could change the names in the book it would be our life. I have hurt the woman i love so bad that weighs heavy on me. when we are talking i try to work into teh conversation where i feel that a fault of mine contributed to our marital problems. The major problem was God was not the center of our family and i personally drifted a long way from our Father.

when she talks to me about our relationship she continues to say "i have to take care of me, i am going to do something for me by God" it is always I, Me. Then she says she will take care of the kids and i ask her why she never talked about "us" in all that. She just said i am not worried about "us" i am not sure if you are in their or not i am worried about me.

i have found it to hurt deeply to have your wife tell you this. When she finished all saying all that i hugged her and kissed her on the head and told her i loved her.

i am on an emotional roller coaster myself, some days i feel strong and some days i feel like i am coming apart at the seams.

i have a hard time just handing God these problems. i have to work really hard at not stepping in and screwing things up. Some days i have to give the trouble to Him several times. When thoughts enter my head that i know will tear me down i have to stop and ask Him to take them from me that i can't handle them. i am sorry i feel like i am rambling but the responses you have given me are encouraging they give me hope and not like so many during the day that i get are not so encouraging.

please pray for my family and thank you!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

broken07 · Junior Member Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 41

Sam,

is that what you mean by her struggling with God, the struggle comes from the me, myself and i she insists on?

i do feel that the pain that my family is going thru is God's way of saying "you need Me I am here all you have to do is ask" I have never crused God for what is happening I normally start my day by thanking God for everything good or bad it all has a purpose in our lives, or i think it does.

it is very frustrating to continue to love someone that can look at you and say "i don't care what you think or feel" It is very hard, i never knew how hard unconditional love was until i started trying to practice it. I do say practice because i don't think i have gotten it right nor will i. the one thing i read one day that i keep close to me is how God loves. God loves even when His love is not reciporcated. I am sure i am not the only one, i am real sure, that has tried to love someone in such a way.

I have been reading on different post and i normally don't comment b/c i think i am in no spot to be giving advice as of right now. But I am very glad that God lead me to this forum, sometimes and encouraging word or just the hard truth can give hope or keep me focused.

as one of my christian brothers at church tells me "just hang in there, you dont' understand and you may not understand what is going on or happening right now, pray for her and love her God will handle the rest"

not that many folks at church know we are even having troubles. that is one area i struggle with. Our Wed. night meeting we take prayer request and pray for those who need the prayers. i normally just ask for unspoken but often wondered if i should be voicing to the rest of the church what my family needs the prayers for. i really don't want to hack my wife off by doing that but then again at this point maybe she needs that. i think she will take it that i am pointing the finger at her or trying to belittle her and that would not be the reasons at all.

when we do try to talk about our relationship i notice this. I try to point out my faults and what i am trying to do to correct them and how i am trying to work on me. I still will not take blame for her affair, that is not my fault. and i notice that she contiues to point out my faults and what i should have done and how she done this and done that to try to make me fix them for so many years and she always says "why did it take all of this to make you change" i can hear the resentmant and anger in her voice. and she always ends it with "i am not sure i can get passed it all"

i pray a lot for her and myself too, that God soften our hearts to allow us to be able to communicate with one another.

resecured · Full Member Joined: 25 Apr 2008 Posts: 102

Hang in there, broken07. I'm very happy to hear that both of you are still attending church. She WILL hear the word of the Lord there. She will also hear others who are dealing with things in their lives. She, like the rest of us, feels like so much has been destroyed. She is in mourning. She's unsure of what to do next. Keep saturating her with your willingness to do whatever is necessary to win her back. My husband for just a split second showed a sign of being so frustrated at my unwillingness to listen to him early in this mess that he found out very quickly that I was not going to tolerate that by any means. "That" being him showing any signs of self-pity for himself. My take was, "Buddy, You did this. I'm the victum here, not you. IT IS ALL ABOUT ME AND MY WELL-BEING"!!!!!!! We feel like we are drowning in all the emotions we are experiencing all at once. It's almost too hard to breathe sometimes. We reach for and attempt almost anything to find some sort of peace in this horrible upheaval. We like feeling protected and secure. It's just so hard when faced with the fact that we have been attacked by our own husbands who we have put so much trust in.

My husband knows that everyday he must drench me with unwavering devotion. He must do the fighting for us both at times. I will also say that my pleading with God for His strength and comfort are my mainstay. I could not do this without Him. I pray that your wife will turn to God and lay it all at Jesus' feet. Without Him, she is vulnerable to satan and his attacks.

If you truly love her, keep strong. No matter what she throws your way. You can eventually wear her down with your love and devotion. It must be real though. It will not happen over night. You must be in it for the long haul. Remember actions speak louder than words most of the time. You guys really have to make us fall in love with you all over again. Only this time, it's not as easy because our trust factor in you is nill. Can it happen? YES!!!!! Only with God at the helm though.

I will be praying God's protection over your wife. I will also be praying for you to have the strenght to continue the fight.

RJ

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

Interesting that she blames you for her affair. Until she is in a place of being able to look inward at herself, things are not going to change very quickly.

You know, it's not until crisis hits, that we realize what we might lose and that the only place to look for help is - up!

broken07 · Junior Member Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 41

why do you say it is interesting that she blames me for the affair. one night she got so mad at me because i would not take any credit for the affair, i told her i did not make her do that i did own my 50% of the troubles in our marriage but in no way or fashion did i make her make that choice that wasn't a very pretty encounter. now when she gets mad she starts telling me everything i have ever done wrong and what i should have done and i realize things that i done or didn't do now and i try to tell her i know those were faults and mistakes that i have/had and are working on them and she just gets madder. she points out scriptures that concern how a man should treat his wife and i have read them more than once and i tell her that i know that first off i have failed God in the past and by doing that i failed her in those areas too and that i know God will help me correct where i failed in the past. it seems funny now i see the man i should have been all along and now that i am a work in progress trying to become that man she gets upset because i am working towards a more Godly or Christian man. it almost seems that she thought i would just give up and let her go and i haven't. there are so many thoughts running around in my head i can't keep them straight.

sometimes i am torn between trying to do things for her or just letting her deal with them. if i don't do them she will find someone else to do them for her so where would that leave me. the husband that want even help me out, but when i offer help she turns it down.

i am no mind reader, i need simple english words in short sentences if you want something so i don't screw it up. i dont know how many times i have heard her say "you should know me and act accordingly" in some areas yes but i am not mind reader.........if i had some hair i would have pulled it out by now......

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

She's obviously having a hard time facing God and dealing with what she did. Admitting our sin and confessing it is very difficult to do some times.

Just a thought - when women have been treated very badly for such long time without feeling cherished and secure in their marriages, they simply give up. And, when another man comes along who pays the slightest bit of attention - all of a sudden she thinks, "He noticed me."

Her actions and decisions are definitely hers to "own up" to. However, what she may be trying to tell you is, your marriage was hurting and she was in pain or lonely or tired of being treated like a dishrag. She was tired of having a husband who had no spiritual backbone to lead his family. Because of that, she made the choices she did. And, that is a two way street of ownership for the brokenness in your marriage. However, that still does not justify what she did - but it is her way of explaining why she did what she did.

broken07 · Junior Member Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 41

yes i will and want to own the mistakes i made and i am taking steps to correct them. i know i have hurt her and i was so busy trying to do my job i didn't do my job. i was cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids and i tried to show her that i loved her in the only way i knew how, sex. i thought if we were having sex she loved me i needed that to feel loved, i know that is not right! but at the time i did not. i thought i was holding my own as husband but i overlooked her essence what i should have been doing to make her feel good about herself. i screwed up and yes soemone said that is going to be very hard to make her fall in love with me the 2nd time.....but i think i can do it....i know i can do it.....

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

I pray you will have the patience to "hang in there" and that your marriage will be restored.

resecured · Full Member Joined: 25 Apr 2008 Posts: 102

broken07,

I want you to understand that I in no way condone your wife of having an affair (physical or emotional). I was just trying to let you into this world of utter chaos that we women fall into when we are, or feel like we have been, betrayed. I went through a time when I thought about how I could get revenge on my husband that I thought he deserved. Thankfully, I just had to finally lay in down at Jesus' feet. It's not easy, but it's so uplifting and peaceful when we do. Honestly, I can't imagine what I would have done had I not had God to fall back on during one of the most heartbreaking, devestating times of my life. I want you to know that my heart goes out to you. I will pray that God opens your wife's eyes and heart, and gives you His unbelievable strength and guidance.

-RJ-

j3anjean · Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 9:38 am Post subject:

Wow, Broken07. I admire your perseverance. Lean on your Father in Heaven-let Him help you carry this burden. I will pray for you!

Jeannie

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 59

Dear Broken, My heart goes out to you and I, also, will lift you, your marriage and your family up in prayer.

Try this on for size:

Next time your wife asks you why did it take this for you to change, respond, because "I didn't know I was losing you". If in fact that was the case. Let her know that losing her was what made you see the light.

Try not to engage in what she did, what I did, and blah, blah, blah. The next time your wife expresses anger, frustration or hurt feelings, simply, respond, "I am so sorry". If you are truly sorry, nothing else needs be said. If she hears enough from you that you fear losing her and that you are sorry for your part in this, it may soften her heart.

Learn to bite your tongue. Nothing needs to be added after the apology or declaration of understanding regarding losing her. If you add more words you may find yourself in a tick-for-tack conversation and you already know that doesn't work.

As to requesting your prayer group to pray, I would think it is possible to mention that your family is going through a rough patch and you are asking that your family be lifted up in prayer.

broken07 · Junior Member Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 41

RJ I did not take it that way if my response lead you to believe that i apologize. I appreicate all comments and advice anyone can give me.

Jeannie thank you for the encouraging words, most of the time the response i get from people is "you are crazy to still be in this, you must think about yourself, don't you want to be happy" so thank you again.

fishi i have done my best in the bitting your tongue area. when she starts pointing the finger at me and goes on and on about how i failed in the marriage i tell her this "yes i know i have failed God first of all and because I didn't love you as i was instructed and by failing God i have failed you and for that i am sorry" there are times when i would like to hurl things back at her but there is one thing i have learned over the years that lead up to this. If a person doesn't see themselves what they are doing or not doing that causes the pain to the one they love then pointing it out, yelling at them or anything else will not bring it to their attention. that i have learned the hard way. and i thought about what you said about me losing her bringing on the change, if you strip it all down that is about it. and slowly and surely i am seeing the things, my part of the problems that help lead us to where we are today.

sometimes a simple thank you doesn't seem like enough for the encouraging words that can get a person through a tough day, but thank you

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