I messed up...BIG TIME!

ladyjulie · Newbie Joined: 02 May 2006 Posts: 11

Hi! I'm new here. I have been married almost 10 years, I have two kids and one on the way! My husband and I have worked through sooo much in the last few years (his pornography addiction) but now I've caused more problems. I've had an affair. The affair was mostly just emotional but there was some physical too. I have completely ended the relationship and am having much difficulty not contacting this man again. My husband knows everything and I have a wonderful support group at my church helping me out but I just don't know if I'll ever "get over" this other man. My friends have all told me in time I will but it's really hard to believe right now. I want to do what's right and honor God and my family but at the same time I want to go back to this relationship. My husband has forgiven me and wants to continue working on our relationship - that's just incrediable! I could use much prayer for strength in not giving in to temtation and my restoring my marriage. Thanks!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I highly recommend a book for you called the Greener Grass Syndrome by Nancy Anderson.

I pray that you and your husband are seeking Christian counsel together. It would important for you to seek counseling for yourself too as it would help you discover the patterns in yourself that have left you seeking attention and affection from this other man.

You don't say if this other man is married or not. Either way, there are real consequences to destroying your family and possibly his too.

ladyjulie · Newbie Joined: 02 May 2006 Posts: 11

I've already read the book, thanks anyway. My husband and I are meeting with a pastor from our church and are considering some other counseling too. Yes, this other man is married. His marriage was more strained to begin with and his wife may or may not even know about how far our relationship went. His wife only knew we were friends.
Question: The man attends our church. This makes going to church very difficult for me. I have my support group and all my friends there supporting me and keeping me accountable but I just don't know if I will ever recover if I have to see him every week. My husband and I have talked about going to a different church but that would mean leaving all our other friends and support. Is recovery still possible when I'm seeing him every week??? Any ideas???

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

First, let your husband know it is still hard to run into this man. He needs to know this. Second, can you go to a different service time so a chance encounter or sighting is less likely? Third, it's important for you to have accountability partners in this. If they are friends in this church, then you need to stay.

ladyjulie · Newbie Joined: 02 May 2006 Posts: 11

My husband knows how difficult it is to see this man every week. We could attend a different service but then we wouldn't have our friends around. We're still debating on this.
Please keep praying for me to have the strength to resist the temptation of contacting this man.
Thanks!

peacerome · Newbie Joined: 04 May 2006 Posts: 19

I am the betrayed wife of a long-term marriage. I have been "dealing" with the pieces of my exploded life for 1 1/2 years. We have worked VERY hard at restoring and reconciling. But, after the initial "sort of" revealing of the affair...my husband and the OW did keep in contact by phone and email...this would have led back to an actual affair if I had not caught him again 6 months later. After a full confession and NO contact AT ALL...we have begun to rebuild. I have read and researched A LOT on the subject and went through counseling with my husband and EVERYTHING I read says to break ALL contact...no matter what!! You absolutely CAN NOT see this man anymore...it WILL lead to a renewal of the affair, I promise. I know how important friends and church is...we have been in church work for over 25 years...but, we moved and found new jobs and a new church family. This has been the biggest blessing. We really struggled with this until I had a morning devotion that said, "you can't ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet." That hit me like a ton of bricks and I shared it with my husband. We began that minute praying about it and immediately the Lord opened and closed doors for us...we just simply followed His will and focused on what was best for our marriage and family above all else. The Lord answered...we had been at our jobs (which we loved) and in that town and in that church for 18 years...but, the move has changed our lives instantly. The CONSTANT reminders and triggers are no longer everywhere. The Lord has truly blessed us for following HIM. Please...please...please...you MUST get away from this man. YOU MUST FLEE if you want to save your marriage and family. I will be praying for you.

infp · Newbie Joined: 05 Jun 2006 Posts: 4

ladyjulie,
I had an emotional affair about 7 years ago with a woman. It ended rather quickly, before there had been any physical or sexual involvement, other than holding hands. The OW and I are both Christians, and we both knew it was wrong so we took steps to end it almost right away. But - the next year was emotional hell; I didn't think a person could be that depressed or long for someone so much and still live. The pain was unbearable, for she was - I thought then - what I really wanted and had the ability to communicate and connect; things my wife did not have.

I see now that I was wrong about her. Yes, what I saw in both the OW and my wife was true, but I did not see the whole package in either one of them. Stepping back from the intense desire I could see the whole person and realize that what I loved was only a small slice of the whole person. At the time of the EA I could not see the rest, for an EA is really infatuation, not love. And like infatuation there is a flood of endorphins that our brain releases that give us that passionate, in-love feeling.

I also realized that to leave my wife would give great pain to her and to our children, and their pain was worth much more than my pain. I just could not do that to them. But, even with all this, plus many books, it took a long time for the desires to subside. At the time I did not believe that the no contact policy we were following was good, and that limited contact would be better for healing. Maybe that is true, but I don't think so now. The three of us reconciled, and the OW woman and I talked one last time over a year later to end any unfinished emotional business between us, but that was the last time we talked.

We also go to the same church, and that is grace. BUT, we go to separate services and never see each other. The one time I happened to pass her in the hall several years ago there was just a quick wave from a distance.

Any contact with the OM for you will just keep the connection alive and keep your brain spilling endorphins. Every contact, even a hostile contact, is another thread to him and to the relationship.

The real issue for you now is to heal the marriage, not to have contact with him. Is sacrificing see your friends worth following God's will for you and your marriage? You can call, or visit; you are not limited to seeing them on Sunday only. Even if you are, what is more important: doing what God says about marriage or seeing friends - at church no less! I think if you really looked inside you would see the answer, and would see that the real reason is to see the OM, even from a distance. That does not make you sinful, it is just how we all rationalize and fail.

What were the deficits in your marriage that the EA promised to relieve? What was the payoff, and what was the context in which the affair happened? An affair can be a great blessing, for it is really a symptom of the deeper relational problems in our marriages. Going back to the way your marriage was is not the answer; that is a failed context. You and your husband have to look at what was so wrong that and EA seemed attractive. There is your real work. Also, now you can have empathy with people who fall in this area; you will not look down on them again, for you know the powerful attraction of an affair.

There is a good book called "Affairs : A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity." Here is the link to Amazon

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0787950041/sr=8-4/qid=1149855596/ref=pd_bbs_4/104-0657040-8465567?%5Fencoding=UTF8

This is a very helpful book. I know this is very hard, and it seems like there is no future without the OM. I know the feeling of shortness of breath, a crushing weight on your heart, and a feeling like it is a dark, cold rainy day in your soul. And I know it seems like all is black and hopeless. I have been there...and back. You can return too, but not to the same marriage - to a new and changed marriage; one that has removed the context in which the affair happened. It depends on the very hard choices you must make.

Remember more than anything that God loves you passionately, and his heart is broken along with yours. He is walking with you through this deep flood (Isa 43:1-3) and he is not ashamed of you or angry with you. God is for you forever, and even in this he loves you deeply. Trust in his love and trust in what he has told us to do. The darkness will lift - it really will.

Finally - YES, go for counseling to a professional counselor who understands how the mind and emotions work in situation like this. Understanding what happened and why is part of recovery.

God loves you

infp

ladyjulie · Newbie Joined: 02 May 2006 Posts: 11

Thanks for encouragement to stop attending the same church service as the OM. I have hesitated leaving because I want to be able to see the OM still but I am now out of that denial. I know now that I am not going to recover from the affair and be able to rebuild my marriage without leaving. As of next Sunday my husband and I will be attending a different service. This way I shouldn't see the OM at all.
My husband and I have had much help in seeing why this affair was attractive to me and are working on making our reltaionship better. There were definitely some needed changes. God is doing a great work! Thanks for all the support and prayer!
Ladyjulie Smile

marasdac · Posted: Wed Jul 12, 2006 12:03 pm Post subject:

ms ladyjulie,
so many times i notice posts go weeks almost months without a reply.
so i thought i would ask have you had counseling? has he?
also, has going to a different service made a major impact. did it work? my friend actually moved membership to another church. of course they are going thru divorce now.
how has GOD lead you thru this? in what way can you give him some glory? Very Happy

ladyjulie · Newbie Joined: 02 May 2006 Posts: 11

So much has happened I don't know where to start. My husband and I have counseled some with a Pastor at our church which has been extremely helpful. Our marriage is better now than it ever has been and we will have been married 10 years next week! Smile

We actually didn't stop going to the same service but we did have a few weeks off because of vacation and other things and then the other man was gone for a few weeks too. The major thing that has happened though is that the OM was watching me at church, driving by our house while looking in our front windows, and then said hi to both of us in passing at church one sunday. After all this happened my husband confronted him via email. The responses he got proved just how little recovery, if any, the OM has had. He was out right lieing to my husband about what did and did not happen. For me this was a painful but needed reality check of who I had been with. It wasn't a loving relationship it was two people using each other to get needs met that shouldn't be met by any one other than God and/or a spouse. I know now that was what I was doing and I'm in a recovery group at church for that and some other issues. As far as I know the OM hasn't gotten much help if any. My husband set some very strict boundaries with the OM and we think he has been following them. He did agree to them in the email. We also have security at church alerted to what's been going on for my protection if I am ever there alone. I truly thank God for guiding me through this and placing me in a recovery group that is so awesome! The leadership at my church that confronted me with this affair I will forever be grateful for. Now I am looking forward to the next 10 years with my wonderful husband, not looking to find a way out. Smile

God is awesome!!! Smile

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 189 Location: PA

ladyjulie- I have to say I kinda relate but I didn't go through with it.
My husband came out that he is addicted to porn- strip clubs-breast period. He said he has been emotional unfaithful & has done everything but intercourse. And God did I feel like rebounding with an affair & had threatened it several times. BUt I felt God leading my heart away from it.
I wanted to so bad to show him how much he hurt ME.
I am so glad things are progressing for you both and the OM is hopefully finally getting the hint. It's nice to hear happy ending since mine has just begun (June 1st 2006 he came clean) so this is new and yes we start counciling on July 31, but have been speaking to our Pastor & He has an accountabilty partner (which he is lacking in contacting).
Bless you and prayers are coming your way!

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