I love my husband...but I'm watching all my dreams pass by..

LittleAudrey · Newbie Joined: 22 Dec 2006 Posts: 7

Hey,
I've been married for 3 1/2 years - I love my husband and I can't really imagine life without him.

but...
Before we were married I (being quite forward and blunt about what I want and don't want) told him that I didn't want to deal with a husband who looked at porn,watched movies with naked/topless women, went to strip clubs..hooters etc.. and he agreed to not do these things (allowing for slipups mistakes etc...)
We also decided we were going to start a family after 2 years - we wanted to be younger parents. (3-5 kids)

We would get our debts paid off.

so ok now I'm 3 and 1/2 years in and...I fear this has been doomed from the start.

- We are more in debt than ever - my husband purchased a $7,000 ATV (after he left me for a week for the 100th time...) and all kinds of other toys - of course i am to blame with the debt too..

- We have no children and probobly won't start trying until the end of this next year - now I am (almost) 25 and that's not that old - but I wanted a young family - I don't want to have a baby at 30! and if you count a year or so in between each kid - we don't have much time for 2 let alone 5!

which leaves me stressed as all I wanted was a family...
\ - but even if we did...would I be unwise to do so...
- my husband thinks nothing of taking off to go with friends on little boy only vacations (please don't ask when the last time he took me was...)
- after telling me he would not go to a strip club / hooters blah blah blah - he has - only to tell me I have to deal with it - which angers me because I told him I didn't want that in my life!
- The porn issue...not all the time - maybe a couple of times a month but for hours (4-6) at a time with me begging him to stop. - and he would tell you himself that our sex life is great I've always been one to say - unless you absolutely have to why say No - where else are they gonna get it???- I've struggled with an eating disorder and preocupation with weight -hating the way I look and I can't tell you how much it hurts to be shown how inadequate I am compared to these surgically enhanced airbrushed fantasy girls. He says it has nothing to do with me - but when I'm sitting right there and he could have me but he'd rather look at these other women He Chooses them over me - how is it NOT that I am not enough that I am inadequte.

When I ask where he was, where he is going blah blah blah - I get "none of your business" which does nothing but add suspicion when there shouldn't be any...

I guess I just need to rant in aplace where no one knows who I am or who my husband is. I just don't know what to do - I want a baby so bad it hurts - and I get "we don't have the money" but we pay 200.00 dollars a month for his 4-wheeler. I wonder if I matter at all to him - i mean would a man serious about paying off debt to buy a house and have kids buy a 7000 dollar toy among other very expensive toys? (big boy toys are expensive!) Would he take boys only vacations leaving his wife who doesn't agree with him going and asks him to either take her or not go at home??? it's like he's oblivous to me and my feelings what I want my dreams my goals - and yet he is one of the most sensitive men you will ever meet -he truly is - very in tune with his feelings - though not at all a weak personality- just strong and sensitive (I don't think I've ever seen him cry) but he is moody...

I cannot count on anything that is promised to me - I'm still waiting on a vacation (after he had his 4 day boy excursion) from last year...3 1/2 years more debt no kids, and the porn/stripper/hooters stuff just burns me...*smoke*

Maybe he never truly wanted to be married - never truly wanted the responsiblity - you know he wanted the good stuff: intamacy,sex,a friend but not the "you are no longer a bachelor" part.

But where does that leave me?

I end this with:
I am no angel - I am pushy, jealous and I love attention (must more from my husband than anyone) I am not easy to live with (is anyone??)

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