I am not sure what I should do

rena · Newbie Joined: 04 Apr 2007 Posts: 6

I am 23 and have been married for one year. My husband and I were in love during the dating phase and when we were together he was all over me all the time. He flirted like mad about how cute I was and how much he longed to marry me and be together forever. He told me often how much he was blessed by the woman God had given him and that so many of my qualities completed him in ways that no other woman had ever been able to do.

Now, a year into our life together, things are majorly screwed up. About seven or eight months ago he started telling me that I do not fulfil him sexually and that he is not physically attracted to me. When he started saying this, and when I probed for more detail, he simply said he never was in love with me and considers me a good friend but nothing more. He started talking about finding another woman who could satisfy his desires. I found a woman counselor to meet with and was working for a while with her on becoming the woman I desperately wanted to be for my husband. I come from a very conservative upbringing which forced me to comply with NOT showing my stuff, being sexy or overt. I was brought up to be silently submissive and never spent much time away from the house.

To now be out on my own and with a husband who wants all and everything it has been challenging for me to leave behind my upbringing and break free of those confining "ruts". But my counselor was really helping me with breaking free and being a strong, sexy, independent woman. I had to put the counseling sessions on hold because we couldn't afford it so for the last few months I've been pretty much trying to progresson my own.

Lately my husband has gotten so frustrated with me not fulfilling him that he has turned to the internet. Whenever we do try to have sex he says I don't know the moves like the girls he looks at online and that I'm too skinny to attract him (I have been underweight most of my life and do indeed know that I am skinny and I even feel scrawny). I have gone online to see pictures and when I try the moves he is referring to, he tells me to stop because he thinks I'm forcing myself, rather than doing what I know he likes simply because I want to please him. I do not really know what to do. Any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks so much for listening.

Rena

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 309 Location: In Prayer

My guess is that your husband may be addicted to pornography or has a sexual addition.

The reason I say this is and the clue you have given is:

webacus · Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 3:38 pm Post subject:

MominTX · Newbie Joined: 22 Feb 2007 Posts: 5 Location: Donna, TX

I was raised like you, very conservative, but being married to my husband has taught me how to open up about this and do a lot of things I thought I would never do for example, videos, using props, role play, just to name a few. He has also suggested I get implants, and he's really pushing me to lose all the little fat off my waist after having kids. I don't feel I'm fat at 110 and 5'5", Bbut he wants no flab haning over my shorts so I'm forced to do 100 situps a night. Now, I dont' know if your husband will come to this extreme, but he may. It's good you're seeing a counselor. Also ask if you are putting out as much as he'd like or compromising. I know I wasn't just because I've never had the drive. We have 3 small children now and I have no drive, but manage 1 night a week and I have to think of something different to make it more interesting or exciting for him. I'll be praying for you, take care. If you ever need to caht, send me a message.

webacus · Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 11:08 am Post subject:

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 309 Location: In Prayer

Let him have three kids and no flab around the middle. Very Happy

It's great that you want to improve yourself for your husband.
But honestly, I would really question why my husband doesn't like me the way God made me. Comparisons to other women is a horrible thing and it doesn't honor the creator.

Hmmm.. my husband could do a 100 situps each night to get a six-pack. He should go lift weights to improve his pecks. His chin is a little to rounded and should be more chiseled and square, so maybe he should get chin implants to improve that to.

Do you see where this is going?

rena · Newbie Joined: 04 Apr 2007 Posts: 6

I have put a msg into my counselor and am waiting for her to get back to me. I have suggested that my husband and I get counseling together and he is not interested. My counselor suggested the same thing and still he declined.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 309 Location: In Prayer

If the objective of counseling is to help you improve your lovelife, why would he decline?

rena · Newbie Joined: 04 Apr 2007 Posts: 6

Two reasons for his objection:

-he does not believe there is the possibility of finding the help that I need to improve (i.e. leave behind the restraints of my upbringing to be able to freely give him all and everything);

-based on that belief, he feels it is a waste of time to seek counseling and that we are just setting ourselves up for disappointment by searching for what does not exist.

Pretty much, to sum things up, I believe that he has lost hope in me ever being completely what he needs. There are good days when he is happy with me and tells me I am progressing but mostly I am not what he ever wanted and am incapable of being so. He does not want divorce (neither do I) yet his displeasure and dissatisfaction with me is the rule, not the exception.

~Rena

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1927 Location: Chicago

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 308 Location: NJ

Rena,

I am really sorry to hear about the situation you are going through. There is not much I can add to the good advice you have received. One thought I had is that it seems like you are trying very hard to please your husband, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to do that, but I am guessing that nothing you do will really satisfy him. I don't know much about your situation, or his, but it seems like he has some unrealistic expectations, and he is not being the husband that God wants him to be.

May I suggest that you focus on pleasing God, and meeting His standards first.

rena · Newbie Joined: 04 Apr 2007 Posts: 6

SAM,

It definitely makes me feel inadequate and sometimes I feel a little bit worthless. My husband is bipolar and I think that I am an easy target to aim his frustrations with life at; I often tell myself that this is the issue at hand rather than me not being perfect enough. I am not sure that this presumption is true but it is my presumption none the less.

We are both fairly new to the area and have not made any friends. My counselor is the only person I have to talk to and I have even spoken with the man at our church that my husband counseled with before our marriage. Both strongly suggest my husband and I speak with either of them but like I said, my husband would prefer to not do that.

wrm · Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 11:42 pm Post subject:

It's not you rena. I was once into porn as well. He has a serious problem and needs to be delt with. Porn will destroy a marriage. I can't say anything good about it. When I looked at those airbrushes, thats all I wanted. It's like a drug. My wife was never good enough. And it just gets worse.

rena · Newbie Joined: 04 Apr 2007 Posts: 6

What compelled you to get into porn, and how did you eventually get out of it?

doc marten · Newbie Joined: 04 Apr 2007 Posts: 2

I believe the root cause of all addictive behaviors is the same: an inability or unwillingness to do the work of finding fulfillment and joy in God and in those God-blessed and -ordained relationships like family and friends. Men turn to porn for the same reason women turn to food--because it's a lot quicker and easier to make the body feel good than to do the hard work of maintaining a relationship. The way I see it (and I have addictive tendencies) is that addiction = laziness.

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