I am contemplating divorce but confused

Ali · Newbie Joined: 06 Sep 2006 Posts: 10

I have been married for 22 years.
My husband has always been no attentive. Intimacy every 4 years with no show of affection in between.
I have separated last 6 months am in apartment. During the last months I was with him he became verbally abusive. When I asked for grocery money He said something fowl and said I didn't deserve it. He isolated me from the children by telling me in front of them that I acted childish and to stay out of there business. He also told me that my mother couldn't come over any more because I was just like her.He was sleeping in a separate bedroom for over 2 years. And, when he did sleep on same bed he would turn the other way.
When he arrived from work he would go and sit in garage. Then he would get up and go over to an old mans house came back went back in garage till bedtime which would be 12 or 1 am.

I have been gone for 6 months and he hasn't even called me for anything.
He told my daughter that he was going to rent out my bedroom to help with the rent. He ended up cleaning out my room and renting to a couple with a child. All my things are still in the house. These people have gone into my things and are using them.
The man works nights so while he is at work the woman is alone with my husband and son.
My children love these people my children are grown. Now everytime there is a family function they come along. It really hurts when I see them it is like seeing the other woman.

My daugther got married yesterday. I saw my husband arrive alone I thought that is nice there will be an opportunity to have a nice time. Then someone said that my daughter was getting dressed at the house. When she came in I complemented her on her makeup she said yeah Donna (the woman that lives at the house)did my makeup and hair. I felt my heart sink. She didn't come to me to get dressed. I was left out.

Then when this couple arrived my husband right away ran over to them to hold their baby. Before that he had stood by his sister which was sitting across from me at table. And had said to her oh I had to drive over here by myself because Donna was taking her time getting ready. He spoke of this woman like he should speak of his wife!

I was so shaky all I wanted to do was run away. But, I had the pastor pray for and I occupied myself with filming. I managed to stay till the end. My husband left first.

Now I feel that he just doesn't love me. He has said that he is not sure if he does or not. Said that if I want to come back I would have to be under his terms. He will visit the man every day and that these people will stay at the house. I would have to be a roomate.

I have spoken to an attorney about divorce. Sometimes I feel that it is the thing to do. But, sometimes I feel that I need to wait and see what the Lord still wants to do.

I did call my husband for some info to write on the petition. He asked why? I said I am filling out the paperwork for divorce. He said ok and gave me info like soc.sec# and drivers license #

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

You know how God hates divorce and that is why you are torn.

I went through a very rough time in my marriage about 15 years ago. What I discovered, now that I look back is, 95% of the issues going on were more about my heart being far from God rather than my husband's. My heart was hard and my heart didn't want to listen to God - it was just that simple. It took time, counseling and commitment for us to move beyond the place we were at. It will take the same for your marriage. It is possible to fall head over heals in love again - we did.

It's hard to take a deep long honest look at ourselves. It's easier to find fault with the other person. God-improvement is not where we want to look to - in ourselves. It easier to ask him to "fix" the other person than to ask him to "fix" us. I can tell you I was the one who needed fixing when my marriage was broken. My husband needed some tweaking, sure Very Happy

, but I really was the one with the rotten attitude - not him.

1) You've made a choice to separate and leave the home
2) You've not participated in counseling as a couple while separated
3) You've left your family but are upset when they have not included you
4) You want to be a wife, yet you're contemplating divorce
5) You want to be included in the family but you've moved out

All of these things have been your choice, not God's.

We can all get into places of complacency and taking each other for granted after 22 years of marriage. I've been married 30 years. No one is without fault. There are habits and routines that have been established that have not built a foundation for oneness and intimacy with God. If your marriage is ever going to be restored (yes, it can be restored), then old habits are going to have to change. It's something to discuss with your husband.

You're husband has given you a open door to come back home, but on his terms. Can't say that I blame him, but it is important to communicate to him what you feel is broken in your marriage and what you want to work on so you can be an intimate/growing/alive couple again. It's not about what he has done wrong and it's not about what he needs to do to make your marriage better, it's about what you can do together.

At this stage of life, he's proably not going to change - but you can. Your outlook, your positive attitude and how you react as Christ would. I highly recommend a couple of books for you to pick up - "Love and Respect" by Emmerson Eggerichs and 'Power of A Praying Wife" by Stormie O'Martian.

I've prayed for you and for your marriage today. Please consider getting counseling for yourself and for your marriage over the next 6 months before you make a decision. Find some godly women with great wisdom and counsel to walk beside you and guide you through this process. Doing it alone is not the best option for helping you make a God honoring decision about your marriage.

I know you spoke of verbal abuse in your post. Not sure if that was a one time occurrence out of anger or happened all the time. I want you to know that no one should live with verbal, physical or emotional abuse if this occurred over the past 22 years in your marriage. That is not the impression you gave but I want to make sure.

Ali · Newbie Joined: 06 Sep 2006 Posts: 10

I just wrote what I have gone through.

I am not calling him a jerk you did. I am not going around telling everyone that he is one. That is why I came on this site to talk to strangers.
What did I do in the marriage? I sat there everynight and cried. I went in deep depression. I prayed. I go to church and I do surround myself with christian people.
My children are feeling this way because there is drinking and smoking at the house. Something that I never allowed because of religious beliefs. My husband is considered part of the leadership at his church.

That is why I am seen as the bad guy and too strict. I will not back away from the things of the Lord.

And, no divorce is not allowed by the Lord. But, does he want me to be married to a man that doesn't love me?

A man that hasn't filed taxes for over 7 years and I had to go hire attorney and be after my husband for 2 years to get things ready? I am called bossy for that?Wanting my own way?

I understand that you went through a divorce and God has brought that around? Well, tell me about it. Don't assume who I am and what I am trying to do. I came here for help

I am not going out there to find happiness in the streets with other men I have never done that.

I go to church work and stay home.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Let's start from the beginning again.

Consider this:

If you believe it's God's will that you divorce - then you're not looking at God's will. He doesn't condone it except for infidelity - that's in His word. I believe the church would agree with abuse or abandonment as well.

Does he want you to be married to a man who has fallen away from God? Yes.
Does he want you to be married to a man who does not love you? Yes. Does he want you to be married to a man who smokes and drinks? Yes.
Will he walk beside you every step of the way and be faithful through this journey? Yes.
Can he restore your marriage? Yes. Can he change your husband? Yes.

God can do it but we have to let Him do the work and get ourselves out of the way. Will it take time? Yes. Will it take years? Yes. Will it be easy? No.

You've been mistreated, hurt, stomped upon and talked to poorly. You haven't been loved unconditionally. There's deep pain and agony over losing a marriage. That's extremely hurtful and painful. It's not an easy place to be.

All I can tell you is that I was in this place myself. It's not easy. However, I learned to pour out my heart to God, to let him do the work in making the changes in me and the changes in my husband. There's a reason they call him the "great healer". I had to take it moment by moment and day by day. And... somedays, second by second. My reliance had to be totally on him and could no longer be on myself.

We had to work through it with counseling and I had to start looking at my husband with positive eyeglasses instead of negative ones. I could easily find fault with everything he did and everything he said. What I came to realize is, I had to start looking at my husband through Jesus' eyes and not my own. That is what changed by heart and my perspective about filing for divorce. We did not divorce, but the attorney had been contacted and I was ready to sign the papers.

God got a hold of me and showed me why he is faithful, why is amazing, why he is the restorer of souls and relationships, why I had to count on him, why I had to stop being angry, why I had to stop seeking revenge and why I had to learn to love my husband again even when I did not feel loved myself. My love came from God and only God. I found it in him when I truly learned that He is the great lover of my soul, not my husband.

Did it immediately makes things rosy and perfect and amazingly wonderful again? No. But it all had to do with his timing - not my own.

I'm sorry if you feel I was accusing you of speaking poorly of your husband to others - that was not my intention and I apologize. The post did not paint your husband in a very positive light. He's obviously hurt you deeply and done some things that would create a huge amount of stress in any marriage. I'm sorry that is the case as it has caused you to have to take some drastic steps in your relationship.

I am not justifying your husband's behavior in any way. And... I am not accusing you of anything ungodly. I'm grateful that you have a support group of other Christian women to go to. One thing I don't believe in doing as we discuss issues is husband bashing. Unfortunately, it happens way too often. It's a release mechanism to come here and pour out ypain and heartache. That's wonderful and what I would want you to do, but let's talk about you and not your husbands many faults.

You're torn about divorce since that is what you originally posted. What makes you torn? What makes you hesitate to file? Have you ever attempted reconciling? Did you try Christian counseling together? Have you tried counseling on your own?

What I wanted to encourage you to do was instead of focusing on what he has done wrong (I'm sure he has hurt you deeply), I'm asking you to look at your heart and your contribution to the breakdown of your marriage.

It's not easy to be self-reflective, it hurts. But that is what I had to do to restore my marriage.

Ali · Newbie Joined: 06 Sep 2006 Posts: 10

Sam,

I want to speak from my heart.

I was in this type of relationship for many years. I couldn't take it anymore.

It is not that I want this divorce it is just that he has been like this for so long. So detached from me. I believe that God heals. But, I also believe that my husband has to want that healing.And it seems that he is very comfortable with me not being there.

There is drinking and smoking in the house. When I was there I didn't permit this. So, now that I am gone they are glad that I am.

Did you tell your husband that you were going to get a divorce start the paperwork? How did he respond at that time. And, later when you decided to not do it how did you handle that?

I don't want my husband to think that this is just manipulation on my part. How can I let him know that there is a problem?

See, I got so depressed that I slept a lot and couldn't work. Then he started holding that against me.

I am better now and want him to see differently. But, when there is an opportunity to see each other there are those people and it hurts me.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Because the papers were never filed there was never anything to really discuss. I hung it over him that I was going to see an attorney as a threat. Not one of my shining moments. It was very manipulative to get him to do what I wanted him to do in our relationship.

So, why not suggest some date nights with your husband outside of the house? Meet for coffee or an ice cream cone or have a picnic together.
Start from the beginning. That's what we had to do. Go back to the things that drew you together in the beginning and do the fun things that made you fall in love so many years ago. All the time you are together, pray. Pray that your hearts soften toward each other. Pray that your tongues are kind, that your words will build up and not tear down. Pray for conversation and pray for common ground.

If you continued to wait and just stay separated but saw each other a few times a week, would that hurt anything? Sometimes I feel God gives us nudges and he makes us wait for his answers. He gives us peace when it is the direction he wants us to take. If there is still anxiety and uncertainty, then it usually means - wait.

Through Jesus' eyes, not your own. Keep asking Jesus to help you see your husband through his eyes, not your own.

Did you ever go through counseling together - either a Christian counselor or through the church?

You've brought up the drinking and smoking a few times. I agree, it's not something you want in the house. But, this really is a secondary issue compared to all the maritial issues that need to be addressed. Don't compromise your values, but I would suggest putting this aside and not bringing it up again unless you're ready to move back home. Then it will be something you need to navigate through with your husband.

I think you let your husband know there was a problem in your relationship when you moved out. Does he not believe there is brokeness in your marriage? Sitting down and talking with him that you would like to work through reconciliation together would be a start. Asking him to participate in counseling would be another stepping stone. Asking him out on date nights or having him over for dinner would be another one. You need to work things out together to start with. Once that begins to solidify, then the family can be brought in.

Ali · Newbie Joined: 06 Sep 2006 Posts: 10

Sam,

I believe you are female?

I went to see an attorney and papers haven't been filed because I need to put together the retainer. And, if these people weren't staying at the house I wouldn't have done that. But, I fear that they are there to stay they are acting like it.

I have tried to stay away and not bother my husband or argue with him.

I have tried to look good and happy when we are to be at same place. But, everytime we are at family gatherings these people are invited by my children or him. I am not sure who does.

I just know that these people are in church and my jusband acts like this woman is his wife. I am not saying innapropriately but he sure is happy around her.

Am I suppose to not enjoy my family because of threat of these people? I get sick to my stomache when I see them. They ruin my emotions.

Yes, I have thought of asking him out to dinner though it is hard.It will take a while for me to be able to do that. Especially if they are still at the house. The conversation would be hard to keep going without that being brought up.

It is going to take time. It has already been 6 months since I have been gone. His rejection while I was still at home had gone on for years.

I have tried counselors in the past he never acknowledged a problem.

His brother is the same way. He is in his forties and doesn't date never been married. He is home all the time.Suffers with depression drinking.

I sometimes think my husband is depressed but, I see him with others and he is fine.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Yes, I am female.

Because you are not in your home currently, you really have no choice or say so in who is staying there and who is not. It's also really hard to know the dynamics of the relationship with the people who are there and assumptions are being made. You can't make demands about them moving out - just can't at this point. Have you sat down and spoken with this couple to understand and get to know them?

Sometimes it's a matter of finding the right counselor. Perhaps a male counselor would have a different way of getting through to your husband where he might be willing to take advice and understand changes that need to be made. If you go into counseling with the mindset that the counselor will agree with you about everything your spouse has done wrong and you're there to fix them - counseling is never going to work. If you go into it with the mindset that we need to fix "us" - it takes on a whole different tone toward fixing a marriage instead of an individual.

Ali · Newbie Joined: 06 Sep 2006 Posts: 10

Why should I sit and talk and get to know these people? should I also move back in and be under them?This is what my husband has suggested.

I won't come on here anymore.

Some of things you say make sense but, others like above are not right.

These people are christians and they are aware that they are interrupting my chances of marriage reconciliation.

It is really my husbands fault. No woman woul dlike this. I feel that if this was happening to you you wouldn't take it so lightly

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I'm sorry you feel that way. I guess I am not understanding why you are angry with them. You've mentioned I believe that they go to your church and they are Christians. If there are problems with other Christians in our lives shouldn't we be walking through the steps of Matthew 18 with them? I don't believe we should be shunning each other and having bitterness between us. Hopefully, that makes sense?

So, if you feel they are interrupting your chances of marriage reconciliation, then why not sit down and speak with them one on one?
They need to hear this from you and why you are hurt. Again, I don't know why your husband invited them to live in your home or what their circumstances were that they needed a place to stay. If there is no chance of this being an amicable conversation with them, then your pastor needs to be involved in helping all of you work this out and then the elders if necessary. But, the first thing to do is to sit and talk with them - not making demands and accusations, but sharing your concerns about your marriage.

You're putting the cart before the horse in demanding they leave your home. Spending time with your husband to reconnect is essential. Spending time in counseling together is essential. Baby steps. Baby steps. Then as you both feel you are at a point of where you can return to you home, the discussion of these people finding new housing needs to occur. There's a lot of work to do before I believe you should move back home. And... when you move back home, you should be ready to move back into the bed of your husband. No more separate bedrooms.

We don't have to agree on everything here on the boards - just throwing ideas out and churning things around sometimes helps and other times it doesn't. I'm not asking you to agree with everything I say. I won't necessarily agree with everything you say, either.

Ali · Newbie Joined: 06 Sep 2006 Posts: 10

I can't sit down with these people and talk.
They will go back and tell him . Then he will tell them to ignore me.
I already left them a letter and my phone number they haven't called me.

I am just going to stay put in my apartment. If my husband wants me back he has to make that move. And, I know that I left but, if he has any love and wants me back he will call.

I already spoke to him a couple of weeks ago. I said that I wanted to put everything from the past down that I loved him and wanted to work on our future. He didn't want that.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I'm glad you spoke with him about your desires and wishes to start over.
I guess it will be his move if he wants to reconcile. But, do not hesitate to ask again allowing God to work on his heart and yours in the process. And...pray and ask God to do that specifically.

I have found for myself that letters or e-mails are always a bad idea when it comes to working things out with people in my life. Face-to-face works best. Christ calls me to be the one to extend the hand of reconcilation even when the other person doesn't want to. I just have to know deep within my heart that I've done my absolute best to try.

There are some great books by Lewis Smedes - "The Art of Forgiving" and "Forgive and Forget: Healing The Hurts We Don't Deserve".

Ali · Newbie Joined: 06 Sep 2006 Posts: 10

I have been at peace lately. I used to go around playing a video in my head about things.
Now , I don't have that. Today I started praying for the marriage without resentment or anger.Before I couldn't do that.
I will not talk to my husband for a while though.
I did send him some food with my son on Saturday I haven't heard anything but, that is expected.
I know that this will take time.
Gods time isn't ours.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I'm glad that you can pray about this and hope you will be able to continue to do so. I have put you/your marriage on my prayer list - as I pray for the marriages of those that come to GT on a continuing basis.
Heaven knows, we all need it. Very Happy

Ali · Newbie Joined: 06 Sep 2006 Posts: 10

Thanks for the prayers.

You have been through this.

As you can see God is working in my life.

Praise God.

One day I too will be coming back in here and helping others.

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