I am at a loss...

Magmay · Newbie Joined: 26 Feb 2008 Posts: 5

I have been reading posts about this subject for a while now and I am still having a hard time knowing exactly how to feel lately. I'll start at the beginning...I have been married now for 4 years. I am an emotional person with a deep sense of feeling. My husband is the polar opposite. He almost cringes to even give me a hug. I thought that in our 8 years together he would gain enough trust in me to open his heart to me more. We have a beautiful child together and he is more in tune with our child than with me so I know he has a soft spot somewhere in his heart. The problem began with the most lost feelings I have ever had. My husband works at a job that takes him away periodiclly for months at a time. He did not have that kind of job at the beginning of our marriage. I sent a very random email one day to my first love, thinking that he had long changed his email and moved on. Well, the very next day I heard from him and we have been keeping in contact since then. He is living not to far from me, single and everything wonderful I remember him being. He broke my heart 10 years ago, I was convinced that he was the one for me. I have compaired every relationship to him. He now is giving me the emotional connection that my husband can not. We talk often and about everything from food to how much we miss the others touch. We have not seen each other and I don't think I could see him without those old feelings rushing over me so I have said no to every mention of us meeting. I love my husband very much but I am not feeling any emotional connection to my husband anymore and think of this man often. I have asked God to help me with the sin I feel in my heart and I truely think these feelings are making me drained and extremely sad. I am new at even talking about this...no one in my life knows about what is going on. I am looking for some sort of guidence and way to find peace once again...

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Welcome - we are glad you have taken the time to post here at GT community.

Magmay · Newbie Joined: 26 Feb 2008 Posts: 5

I sincerely can't thank you enough for taking the time to respond. I know and have known for some time now that there needed to be an end in communication. It is the strength in ACTUALLY doing that that I can't seem to get a grasp of. I know the Lord is walking with me cause I am already mourning this relationship. I know in my head that it is only fair to all involved that I be the one to cut ties...I actually tried to do that yesterday and he pulled me back in with the thought of us actually just trying to be friends. We have not seen each other in almost 10 years so he really doesn't see why that is not possible. I know my heart is not strong enough right now to not keep the feelings there.
I tried to talk to my husband about this and have asked repeatedly for counceling and he says that there is no real problem and I am just too sensitive. That I knew the way he was when I married him...
I know that this man has his flaws, and the main one being he has always had commitment issues which is why things ended in the first place. I am so assamed of the way I feel. I know that all of these feelings are real, for my husband and for this man. I don't know how to let go enough to give my heart a chance to mourn and heal.
I have found myself in a place of loneliness and heartache that I am even embarrassed to think about let alone talk about with others. So THANK YOU and I will try...

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I URGE you to do more than try.

Please fall at the feet of our Lord on your knees - ask him for forgiveness
and the ability to let go of this other man and cling to your husband.

j3anjean · Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 7:11 am Post subject:

I am praying for you. You are in a dangerous position right now. I'm sure many of us have been in your position. I know I was early on in my marriage. I went thru this time where I felt sure I had made a mistake by marrying my husband. He was gone a lot and emotionally distant. I was very lonely. I was sure God would understand and I convinced myself that an old friendship with an ex boyfriend would be a support to me. I was blessed enough that he noticed the danger right away and sent me an email about his wife, new baby and a note that as nice as it was to hear from me, he hoped it would be the last time.

You have to be strong and know that God can work in your marriage. Your husband cannot meet all of your needs. That is for God to do. Build your relationship with your Father in Heaven and your marriage WILL improve. Your communication with your spouse will improve. Read "The Power of the Praying Wife." That can be a wonderful guide for you.

Magmay · Newbie Joined: 26 Feb 2008 Posts: 5

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. I couldn't sleep last night thinking and praying that I was strong enough through God's love to get over this rough patch in my life. I believe that actually writing the words down made all of it more real to me than it has been. It was almost like a movie I was watching and until I actually sat down to ask for guidance it all was still a fantacy. I feel today like I have been hit by a boulder and can't seem to stop tearing up at the slightest things. I am assamed and can't find my soft place to land here on earth. I am longing for a comfort that I need to learn is not there. My husband is a wonderful man that I love deeply. He had a very distant mother and 3 fathers growing up so I understand why he is the way he is. I just thought that if I loved him like I wanted to be loved it would be enough for him. He loves me in his own way. I know he loves me...I am going to make our lives together work with the help of God in my life. I am mourning today and will be for some time I believe...I will trust in God that He has a plan for me and He will carry me through this! I miss my friend every second right now but, this too shall pass...

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I have lifted you up in prayer this morning.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

Magmay · Newbie Joined: 26 Feb 2008 Posts: 5

Thank you for your prayers! I was at choir practice last night and while we were practicing our Easter music I began to feel a sense of calm. It is so beautiful and full of life...the songs remind me of how great God's love truely is. He is lifting me up through the outlet that I understand most, music. God is GREAT! I am still having trials and I know it is just the beginning of them, but I feel better today. I do miss a person that is only that person in my mind. He did email me and I am trying to find the words to tell him goodbye. I am hoping that this calm feeling I have remains until I can find those words.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

I am praying that you will continue to have the calmness that one can only get from the LORD. When we experience confusion or uncertainty, we know who that is from. I read your first post and remember you saying that you felt drained and sad. That right there should tell you something. God does give us feelings when something is not right or of Him. I fear that the consequences would be far worse and damaging if you acted on these feelings. (Your marriage falling apart, the shame, the guilt, your beautiful child, family etc....) You say you know your husband loves you, maybe not in every way you need, but does love you. I wish there was a way for both of you to do counseling about this. We women do need our emotional needs paid attention to. I will pray that your husband's eyes are opened to your needs. Can or have you talked to him about any of this, particularly about the e-mailing back and forth with this other guy? Hang in there, be strong, and just know God is guiding you. Keep satan in his place. Do not let him get a stronghold on you. You do need to end this immediately. Change your e-mail too. At all costs, sever the ties. You will be so glad and thankful in the long run. Know that there are several of us praying for your family and your strength to do what is right and so hard at the same time. -RJ-

Magmay · Newbie Joined: 26 Feb 2008 Posts: 5

It has been some time now since I last posted. I have been reading and praying with all of you. I wanted to let you all know that I am doing well. I got rid of the "friend". The funniest part about all of this is that when I told him that we couldn't talk any more he turned into the uncaring man I remember from long ago. The one I forgot exsisted! I was only seeing what I wanted to. I am however greatful that I made the choice to stop communication on my own and did not wait until this ugly person appeared. I fear I still may have feelings if that would have been the case. I felt awful for some weeks after I let go. Then I began to realize that I was pushing myself into a hole that only I could get out of with the help of GOD!! He lifted me up and He let me see the things I was missing. My husband and I are working. Working every day...every day to make our lives together full and happy. He feels like I am back to myself and so do I. I fell like a weight has been taken off of our marriage and my eyes are open again to how wonderful my husband truely is.
I miss my friend on occasion...I miss the friend part more than the emotional connection though. I know we can never be friends again and that is sad...But...I am happy. I wanted to thank you all for your prayers and wanted you to know that God worked through you to help me. I learned so much about myself in the past few weeks and hope to be able to help someone else if they find themselves in that place like you all helped me...GOD BLESS!!!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

So glad to hear you are doing well and getting beyond this.
Thanks for the update - it's very much appreciated and also knowing that God does answer prayers in mighty ways.

Stay strong in your marriage. Remember to go out and have fun together. Bike rides, picnics, walks, roller skating, hot air ballooning, jumping out of airplanes, hand gliding, water skiiing, etc. When you remember to have fun like you did when you were dating, the friendship you have with your husband thrives and you won't miss the other friendship at all. And, sign up for a least one marriage seminar a year to have time alone and to keep things fresh.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

I can sum all that up in one sentence. The grass is ALWAYS greener over the septic tank. So true!!!! Charity 1 said that in one of her post one day. I believe she said that Erma Bombeck gets credit for that one. When we tend to think of others in the past, we do only remember the good. Heck, not just in the past. Even in situations where there's any person who pays attention to us when we are vunerable. After time passes though, we realize what's underneath AIN'T so pretty.

So glad you came to the realization so quickly. God will so richly bless you for heeding His guidance. You may never know who you have helped because they may just read your posts and realize what they to need to do and how to succeed.

Absolutely wonderful testimony. Isn't the sense of peace the best?

-RJ-

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 157

Magmay,

I am so proud of you. There is no way for you to fully understand the bullet you just dodged, but as most of us on this forum can attest, a full blown affair devastates a marriage. The spouse involved in the affair suffers intense guilt and shame and the offended spouse feels completely shattered. There is no going back. Believe me, that is not a place you want to go. If you read your Bible, you will be amazed how often adultery, fornication and sexual immorality are mentioned. God knows our human nature and He warns us over and over to stay away from this particular sin. Remember your vow to your husband to "forsake all others and cleave only to him". My suggestion to you regarding affection from your husband is to just go up to him, say "You know what I need?" and then go into his arms for a big hug and/or a passionate kiss. He will enjoy it just as much as you do, plus he will feel admired and desired, which is a great thing for a man. You will be killing two birds with one stone. Men aren't mind readers, so we have to ask for what we want. I have learned to do that, and my husband is much more affectionate on his own now. Speaking of admiration, that is one of most men's biggest needs, so the more you admire and respect your husband, the more he will respond to you. Good luck.

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