Husband wants to seperate for the second time

sisi · Junior Member Joined: 28 Oct 2006 Posts: 26

Hi,

I am so sorry to keep posting about the same topics - you guys must be so tired of hearing from me. I really don't have anyone to turn to though and I dont know what to do.

In my last post, I talked about how busy I was with school and not being able to spend enough time with the family. My husband also started a new job and wanted to work overtime hours this weekend, but I told him that I had one last major paper I had to do (that is due today) and asked if he could just be patient until I finished. He is so frustrated because we never get to go anywhere (because we have four young children and it is hard to find a babysitter), and I am always tired when I come home from school. And I admit that my husband is the one who usually comes home and cleans and puts the babies to bed, but I do try.

For the last 3 weeks I have been trying to get my husband to come to church with me, but he is not interested anymore. He always tries to get upset at me on Sunday mornings so that he has an excuse not to come with me. So I usually end up taking my oldest son. He has a problem with this too though. He tells me that I always take one and leave three. But the reason why I do this is because he is not my oldest son's biological father (although he has been there since my son was 14 months), and I feel that he treats him differently than the rest of the children. I also can't take all four children out with me because it's really hard to take them out by myself.
I've been trying to spend quality time with my family, but my husband isn't interested and wants just the two of us to go out even though it isn't really possible.

On Saturday, my son's biological father called (he is incarcerated) and wanted to speak to our son. After he was finished talking to him, I spoke to him for a couple minutes and my husband got really jealous and asked me why I was talking to him. It's not like I was holding a long conversation with him, I was only being polite.
My husband left, and when he came back my son called him Daddy (as he usually does) and my husband responded by saying "I'm not your Daddy. ____ is your dad. Call me _(first name)". My son (who is 3) was so confused and started to cry. My husband didnt even care.
I was so angry and told him that if he was going to treat our children differently, then he was going to have to leave. Then I left with my son to go to my moms house and stayed overnight so I could work on my paper for school.

When I came back Sunday night, all his stuff was gone. I asked him for the keys and he refused to give them to me. So I saw them on the table and grabbed them. We ended up fighting over the keys, and the police were called and came to my house. He had to leave and told the police he would be back today for his belongings.

That was last night. And it is so strange, because this situation happened around the same time last December. I ended up leaving because I found out that he was sending x-rated text messages to my cousin. He had the same attitude last year where he didn't care and was letting his job and making money take over his mind. This year, it is the same thing (minus the female situation). I know that he is staying with the same uncle he was staying with last year who does not like me and will encourage him to seperate from me.

I know I told him to leave, but I was just upset and I don't want our family to be torn apart again because I feel that this will be it if he picks up his things today and moves out again.

He called last night and told me a police officer is going to come with him today to pick up his things, and I told him that I loved him and was sorry for telling him to leave. But he didnt even care. He said that he was sick of trying and all he wants to do is take care of his kids now.

What should I do now? Please help...

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

Sisi,

Your goose may be cooked. You can send up a prayer, but you have hurt this man's pride. It sounds like the two of you are NOT on the same religious plane.

With kids and husbands never threaten anything that you aren't willing to carry through on. We haven't been to Chuckie Cheese's since my 18 year old was three. She drove me nuts asking and I said that if she asked me one more time, we would never go there again. She is on her own at college and last week she told me that some friends asked her to join them at that Pizza Parlor and she told them that she couldn't, she wasn't allowed.

I know that what your husband said hurt, but you have now engaged in a version of one-up-manship. He hurt you so you lashed back harder. BTW, while men physically posture and get louder, women use carefully crafted words. If you don't want a divorce you have to stop right now.

I have been a stepchild for 37 of my 42 years. It is rare that step-parents treat their stepchildren as they do their biological children. That is one of the consequences of serial marriages. Just know that with each divorce and remarriage it becomes harder and harder for all your children to feel wanted or fully accepted.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

You have used words or have used actions to "exit" your marriage emotionally or physically.

Your situation is not likely to improve on its own without the assistance of marital counseling through a pastor or a Christian counselor.

Both people needing to be right to prove a point usually means there is "wrongful pride" taking place in someone's heart.

Your husband is your first priority after God, then your children. If other things are in the way of the design God has for your marriage and your family, they may need to be put on hold or do it on a part-time basis before you lose your marriage and/or your kids.

There's a choice. It's been layed out before you.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

Sisi,

I speak from painful experience that usually when a couple keeps repeating the same arguments over and over, both people contribute to the situation. That does not mean it is 50/50, but each has some blame.

I am sorry you are going through this. You have received some good advice here. I am not excusing what your husband did but look at yourself and your role in this. You cannot change him; you can only change you.

I hope and pray that you are both able to get some counseling.

Finally, I am a stepfather, and I know it is challenging to be one. I was confused about why you only took the one child with you to church and also to your mother's.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

My daughter hauls her 5, 4, and 2 year old to church on her own many Sundays because her husband works -

Each child needs teaching, not just one. Yes, it can be a royal pain in the behind to get them all there - it's your dedication and devotion to their spiritual well-being that speaks volumes to their little hearts.

My little 2 year old granddaughter already reminds everybody to hold hands and pray at mealtimes. They can be taught about the goodness of God at a very young age and how to thank him for the food He provides.

Before anything will change with the family, make a decision as husband and wife to work on the spiritual development of your marriage. Is He Lord of All, or Lord of A Little? Without it, the rest of the family will have a very difficult time forming a firm foundation built on the love of Christ.

sisi · Junior Member Joined: 28 Oct 2006 Posts: 26

Thank you all for your advice.
I'm crying right now. He left, he's gone and he made it clear that he would rather sleep on the street than live with me. He came back to get his stuff, and I tried to hug him and say sorry and all he did was flip out on me and leave.
I don't even have a stable church family because I was still in the process of looking. I'm all alone now, but I guess it serves me right for being so selfish.
Thank you again and please pray for me - I really need it.

Sisi

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 312 Location: In Prayer

I'm so sorry to hear about your circumstances -

Any church worth it's weight in Christ will take you and your children under their wings. Find the support you need. It will be important while your husband is away from the family.

My prayers are with you.

sisi · Junior Member Joined: 28 Oct 2006 Posts: 26

Thank you babycakes. I don't know what I should do now though...just leave my husband alone, or try to get him to come back home.

But strangely, I feel a sense of peace and I don't feel as distraught as I was last year when we separated. I'm not panicking.

Does this mean that this is supposed to happen and I should just accept that he's gone and move on with my life?

Confused and very sad...but at peace,

Sisi

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 312 Location: In Prayer

I think it's called waiting on the Lord -

Move on?
I think it's quite too soon to be thinking this way. I would think the wise thing to do is wait on the Lord to work on your husband's heart.
In the meantime work on your relationship with God to make it stronger and better than it has ever been - let God work on you too.

See a pastor or counselor to help you through this time. Also, there has been some great book recommendations with The Divine Mentor and Power of a Praying Wife.

I really like the comment made -

Is He Lord of All or Lord of A Little?

broken2peices · Newbie Joined: 06 Jan 2007 Posts: 16

I just posted this to someone else maybe it could help you.....GOD IS GOOD....HE WANTS TO HEAL YOUR HOME......

There is a book I want you to get it is called "Love Life for Every Married Couple." written by Ed Wheat, M.D. This book, chapter 15, is called "Saving your Marriage Alone." I am living this chapter now, and I am in the middle of a divorce now, but the Lord is working diligently on my husbands heart. There is not going to be a divorce!

Now, There is a book that has three of his books in one called "Staying in Love for a Lifetime." It has "Love Life for Every Married Couple." in it as well as "The First years are Forever" and "Secret Choices" .....I recommend this book if you have the funds to get it, it will be the second best investment you ever make next to The King James Version of the Bible...;o)

Ok so why believe me? Why listen to someone who can't spell PEICES> (username typo...) ;o)

I am a living testimony of HIS GRACE........HIS LOVE.....HIS PEACE......HIS JOY.........HIS HOPE.....HIS FAITH....... Let Him help you today! I urge you to do it....Your way has failed, her way has failed, do not give up until you try the Lords way.....

May the Lord richly bless you and your future with Him......

sisi · Junior Member Joined: 28 Oct 2006 Posts: 26

Thank you both so much for your responses. I guess it isn't over until God says so, so I will keep praying and I will be patient. I got "Power of a Praying Wife" today, and am going to start reading it now. I will also get the books that you recommended Smile

It's so hard when you're trying to save your marriage all by yourself, but when God is on your side, nothing is impossible.

God Bless,

sisi

sisi · Junior Member Joined: 28 Oct 2006 Posts: 26

I just wanted to thank all of you for your advice - if it were not for this forum, I probably would have allowed bitterness to take root within me. But thanks to everything that was said here, I was able to be patient, pray, draw closer to God and continue to show love to my husband despite how the circumstances looked like at the time.

My husband will be here with the family for Christmas, and he is planning to move back in very soon. We have also enlisted the help of a Christian counselor and have both agreed that we have attitudes we need to change.
I definitely know in my heart that I will never again say such hurtful words to my husband again.

Thanks again, God Bless and Merry Christmas!

sisi

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

That is great news. Praise God.

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