Husband left us w/o notice

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 138

I love my husband and want my marriage.

He has never seen us as one in the 18 years of marriage. WE have a 16 yr old daughter who was recently abused by clergy. I left that church and my daughter and I started visiting another church. My husband stopped going all together.

My daughter is being very sexually explicit in her behavior and has had 3 counselors. All 3 say dad needs to step up and spend time with her. He told the last one that he no longer has anything to say and will answer no more questions.

I shared how embarrassed I was to have sat there with our daughter and the counselor and hear him say that. He told me he was not happy and has not been happy and will not tell me why he feels unhappy. By that night he left home and went to his brother where he still is staying.

He stays in his office all evening until 11 pm on the computer and on the phone and does not spend time with us. He never wants to go anywhere. I can eat crunchy foods in his presence. HIs pay is none of my business and refuses to tell me anything about his job.

When I do try to talk with him, he's watching his favorite TV shows. I feel lonely and have shared this with him. He says it’s my problem. When I ask him what I have done, he says he will not say and when I ask again he says that I can't leave stuff alone. He's right, when I ask him something and he does not answer, I re-ask and that gives him the right to emotionally abuse me. He criticizes me often and rarely a word of praise or words of endearment.

He has gone 1 week to 3 months at times of not saying anything to me and rejects me more often than I care to admit. He says he doesn't want a divorce but I think it’s because he does not want me to get half of his retirement pay.

I am praying that at the end of the month he puts money in the bank to help me pay the bills. I feel abandoned. I thought I was a loving wife, church going, bible study but most of a Believer. I don't know how long I should wait until I hear from him. I need financial support.

I don't want a divorce. He is totally against praying with me and against going to marriage counselling.

webacus · Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 10:26 am Post subject:

Are you still in counseling? I would encourage you
and your daughter to continue.

If finances or housing becomes an issue... perhaps your
counselor can help point you to support services.

You don't mention friends-- do you have any close,
Christian relationships?

Are you settled at your new church? Is there anyone
there you can talk to?

You need people praying for you.
Is there a Prayer Team at your church?

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 138

Yes, I have friends and they are praying. We are in family counselling in whcih he will no longer attend since the root of my daughter's problem is his spedning time with us and he's not willing to do that. He says being in the house in his office on the computer should be enough. I disagree.

I need to get individual marriage counselling.

I have been visiting a church but plan to return to my old church since the clergy that abused my daughter is no longer there.

I did call him last night to ask about finances and eh syas he will deposit money but wants time of rest from us.

I asked him again about us communicating on our own or with a counselor and he refuses to do either.

I cannot take the verbal and emotional absue. If he can talk to me like he talks with his female co-worker, I'd be happy.

webacus · Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 3:09 pm Post subject:

A book I highly suggest:

Love Must Be Tough, James Dobson
http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?sku=WW317458&event=AFF&p=1138017

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 138

I am reading it for the 2nd time but I'm still dealing with mixed emotions. I don't want to dissappoint God.

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 138

I just learned that the OW's H is coming home after being gone a month to sea. My H told someone he's be moving back home in a couple of days. How convenient. I can't stop him from moving back in the home due to the laws of our state, however I was wondering what is thought of me moving into the guest bedroom?

j3anjean · Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 6:36 am Post subject:

I will encourage you as webacus did to read, Love Must Be Tough. It holds a lot of practical answers for all the questions you have asked. I moved into the guest room for a bit, but my husband was actively trying to save our marriage with me at the time. I did it mostly because he had brought the OW to our house, our room and I was hurting. Why can he not continue to stay with his brother? Now is a good time to stand firm and call him to really be involved in the marriage and not just run out of places to go.

softy7 · Newbie Joined: 24 Oct 2007 Posts: 16

You can not physically keep your spouse from coming home. But, you can change the locks and express to your husband the conditions on which he may return. Moving into another bedroom seems as if you are playing tic for tac and it will only prolong your suffering and extend his freedom to have his affair.

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 138

I am standing firm. He cannot come home unless he is willing to go to counseling and he is still saying that's not going to happen. I ahve an appt with a lawyer to inquire about my options. He knows I'm have an appt. He told our daughter that he asked to come home but I said no. She asked me why and I should not have told her but I did. She then told me he said I ahve to get over his female friends and that I ahve to deal with that I'm not the only female he can take out to eat.

Well I am dealing with and getting over it, through separation. I have arranged a meeting with him to go over separating the bills so we can began paying our separate responsibilites in case he never decides to engage actively in our marriage.

He divorced me long ago in his mind, so I am prepared to move forward with my life w/o him, should he never feel our marriage isn't worth fighting for or compromising for.

softy7 · Newbie Joined: 24 Oct 2007 Posts: 16

Stand firm and pray fervently sister. I am praying that God changes your husband's heart and heals your marriage.

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 138

My dau was reprimanded yesterday because I found out she had 2 days of out of school supension. He dad stood they idle and did not say one word. He then left and she began to watch tv. I told her that she was grounded and no tv which led to an attitude and one thing led to another and she eventually hit me after me taking the phone from her. She called her dad back over and he came in accusing me to doing something w/o asking me what happened.

The police showed up and chatted with my dau and us. He then spoke w/ my dau alone and she told him that she could not take much more of this life. She's torn between her parents and that her dad left and dealing with the pressures of counseling and school issues.

The police asked if we could work out our differences for our daughter. I said I was willing to attend counseling and my husband said he would not attend counseling of any sort. He then told the police that he asked twice could he come home and I said no. I di say no b/c he just wants a room mate with no responsibilities and I want a husband. If he remains unwilling, my dau will just have to live with the fact we are not going to get back together. The police had her leave with her dad as a cooling off period. Now she does not want to come home but her dad wants to bring her back home.

I called her today but she did not want to talk so I apologized for my part in where I got so upset I called her out of her name, but not for the lecture and no TV for punishment.

I will continue counseling for myself and not worry about the two of them.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

(((((ladyt)))))

It might be interesting to see how it plays out with your daughter being with her dad for a while. She might see him in a different light after this. It might be good for him to see that it's a little difficult to raise a teen when he doesn't have a mom to handle everything for him. This might open their eyes. God uses situations to wake people up sometimes. I'm glad you are still taking care of yourself. That's wonderful. It is a must. I just hope your daughter will become open to counseling soon for her own sake. I just hate to hear of one so young having such a hard road to travel down. Praying for all of you.

-RJ-

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 138

Her dad brought her back last night and she cried and asked for forgiveness. I told her I will always love her and will always stand by her. I told her she was intelligent and beautiful, however she told me she does not see herself that way. I need to find a sexual abuse counselor to help her get through her emotions.

I am going to file for divorce after all. I know what I know about my H and it is what it is.

He cares for this OW so much that is why he can go 2 or 3 months w/o talking to me, touching me. The silent treatment. The day he left he said "I have been unhappy for a long time." Those words still echoes in my mind. I love him enough to give him his freedom.

I posted a new topic "Cell Phone Reveals".

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

I'm so glad that your daughter came home and apologized. Your right, she has so many emotions to deal with. She really does need a counselor specific to her needs.

I wonder, does you husband think that the OW is going to leave her husband for him? She is married, right?

Just remember to take care of yourself too.

-RJ-

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 138

Yes we both have so many emotions. Now I'm not filing for divorce, however I am sticking to what I orignally said, he cannot come home unless we engage in counseling.

The OW is married and has no plan on leaving her husband. She would be giving up a lot. Right now she doesn't ahve to work if she doesn't want to and she is in a beautiful 2 story home and her H travels a lot for the Navy.

She and my H now have a work trailer this week where they are by themselves.

I just have to keep praying b/c my flesh rises from time to time to tell her husband what's happening or otherwise how would it get exposed?

	Growthtrac Community Forum Index -> Separation, Divorce, and Re-Marriage	All times are GMT - 6 Hours Goto page 1, 2 Next
Page 1 of 2