Husband left us w/o notice

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 97

Ladyt,
I understand how bad it hurts. My husband also told me he hadn't been happy for a long time. I thnk when the OW comes along, they have to rewrite history so they can try to justify fulfilling their fleshly desires. The devil loves to twist things to suit his purpose. The tempted spouse chooses to focus on the negative in their spouse and in their marriage instead of the good. It would be very hard to cheat if a person admitted their marriage wasn't bad. Don't give up. My guess is the OW isn't willing to leave her marriage even if he is. They both want to have their cake and eat it too. The fantasy will end once one or the other starts making demands. The verse I learned to live by was Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God." What is happening is not what God wants. Continue to pray, seek help for your daughter and let God work. He is in control. The fact that your daughter apologized and opened up some to you proves He is already working.

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 138

My daughter is really having a difficult time. She wrote on the mirror in the bathroom,

I hate you. She did not speak when she came home from school nor work. Finally this morning I went to her and gave her a hug.

I saw the guess bedroom door cracked, which is normally closed. I went to close it and saw that my H was in there asleep. I woke him and asked him what he was doing. He said sleeping. I asked why and he said he's moving back home. I walked out and shut the door.

I knew at some point he would move back against my wishes. He will need to sleep in that guest room which I'm sure he does not mind.

I'm asking God to lead me back to the ROCK on this one. I have so many mixed emotions.

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 97

Ladyt,
I had typed you a big, long response last night, and "poof", it was gone! I have been praying for you though. First off, you know your daughter doesn't hate you. I think your response of hugging her was great. I'm sure she feels very alone and empty right now. I wish her dad could get his head on straight so that you two could be united in helping her. She definitely wants and needs to feel loved. Being a teenager is so hard without all the extra baggage she has had to deal with.

As for your husband moving back in, that very well could be an answer from God. Right now the devil is in your husband's head telling him all the negative things about you, making you out to be some kind of monster, so that he can continue in his sin. If he sees you on a daily basis and sees you calm, confident and firm, he can't help but notice. He obviously still loves you by telling you that you are beautiful and wanting to come home. He is very torn right now. This woman is making him feel special and admired, but he still loves you. Also, deep down he wants out of this mess. He knows right from wrong. I am so glad you are going to counseling and hope that your daughter is too. Actions speak louder than words. I believe at this point I would stop asking him to go to counseling and just do it myself. If he starts coming on to you sexually, then is when you can tell him that as soon as he "forsakes all others" like he promised, you two can start working on your marriage.

What do you think would happen if you two sat down and you told him what you know about the relationship with the OW, and tell him that as long as she is in his life, you won't be? Let him know that you are on to him, and you refuse to take second place. Once he realizes his secret isn't secret anymore, it takes some of the fun out of it. Let him know you are willing to work with him, and ask him what he thinks it would take to make your marriage work. Men are fixers and like to be in control. I know in our marriage, once my husband opened up to me, we were able to clear a lot of things up - things that he had struggled with for years but kept to himself. Men and women are so different that there could be some preconceived notions about your relationship that could be cleared up with communication. You might just tell him that you still love him and want to make this relationship work, that you were close in the beginning, and you used to be the one he told his problems to, but you feel this OW has replaced you in his life. Approach it from the standpoint of your feelings, not as an attack. If you can talk calmly and accept what he says as his truth, whether you see it as true or not, because it will be true in his mind, then you might be able to actually get somewhere. When my husband opened up to me, some of what he said was a misunderstanding on his part, but some of what he said, I realized was true, and I tried to change it. I was also able to tell him things he didn't realize about himself. Just remember to try to keep everything calm and rational which isn't easy under the circumstances but is necessary to get anywhere.

Sometimes we get so caught up in our own frustrations and needs that we fail to be willing to make the first move. Somebody has to take the high road and be willing to change to improve the relationship. I am in no way saying you are to blame, but there is always room for improvement in a marriage. To be honest, I thought I was a great wife, but after he told me what he thought was wrong with our relationship, I realized I really wasn't. It wasn't intentional, but I didn't always make him feel admired and respected. I took him for granted. I have finally figured out that if things are going to change, they have to begin with me. I can't wait for my husband to change. It eventually becomes a standoff and destroys the relationship. We both realize now neither of us is a mind reader, so whatever we want or need, we have to express it, even if it hurts.

When I first made the changes, you could tell he was thinking it was too little too late, because he had his Little Admirer on the side. He even said, "Why now? Why are you changing now?" And I told him, "Because you finally told me what was wrong, and I am fixing it. If you had told me a long time ago, this could have already been fixed." How do you resist the marriage you've always wanted? Since then he has apologized for not telling me. What they don't realize is that they are telling the OW everything they want and need, so it is easy for her not to mess up, but they don't tell us, so we don't even have the opportunity to make things better. It is so unfair!! I finally realized that no matter what he did or didn't do, I had made marriage vows, and I was determined to keep mine. The only one I have to answer for on judgment day is me, and I want to know I did all I could do. I'm no expert by any means, and this isn't a quick fix, but this is what worked for me. Hope it helps.

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 138

Hi Charity,

Thanks for your sincere response.

I agree in that I really do not think she hates me. She hates authority. She has been suspended twice in the last 60 days for her behavior. When told to stop, she continues and ultimately gets suspended. She has not spoken to be in 2 days. It hurts although I know she is rebelling. She has learned well on how to engage the silent treatment.

I tell her I love her and nothing will ever stop me from loving her but my love isn't enough. She has to love herself and because of her abuse and her reaching out for her daddy’s attention, she has low self-esteem. She's VERY sexual in her socialization with boys even when it’s not their idea.

I know God is working this out and I knew my husband would eventually come home as the OW's husband came home last week, however they still talk at work and early evening and send text messages, but no late night talking for 50 and 75 mins since her H is home.

I have sat my H down and told him about his relationship with the OW. He says I cannot tell him who to have as friends and I need to get over it because he will always be her friend. If she means that much to him that he would go against my desires of his cutting off the relationship then he needs to be available for her when he can and not with me. You see I love him so much that I am willing to let him go.

Some of my daughter's problems are due to the bad relations between my H and me. My H has always felt he can have female friends and I needed to get over it but it became worse when he started working at his current job where the OW also works. I asked him to find another job. He said he would quit but not find a job. So of course we need him to work.

I am calm when I'm speaking with him, but after I pour my hear tout to him all he does is attack. I say things like I feel this way or that way when this happens or is said. He just attacks me with the you this or that and it’s doesn't make sense, most of what he says. It’s just mostly excuses. Anything I say he flips it back toward me.

I ask him often is to tell me what I can do to improve the marriage. I also ask him to write it down if he felt he could not tell me but no such luck. That shows his willingness to let the marriage suffer. If I knew what the problem was I could fix it then he would have no excuses.

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 97

Ladyt,
Ahhh, the ole "she's my friend" response. If we all had a dollar for each of those responses! Well, it sounds like you have done everything you can. It sounds like he is deep in self-delusion and selfishness. One thing I would suggest is that you find a modern day version of the Bible and copy chapters 5 through 7 of Proverbs and leave it lying around somewhere where he is sure to see it. If he could read it, maybe he would see for himself how dangerous another man's wife can be. At this point, I have to go back to what has already been said, pray, study your Bible, keep going to a Christian counselor (you and your daughter) and "be still". God is in control. Your husband will eventually come to his senses, it's just a matter of when and how. He may have to suffer some major consequences, but oh, well!! I strongly urge you not to divorce. If a separation for a time is necessary, that's one thing, but divorce should be a very last resort. I finally came to realize that in my marriage vows I pledged "'til death do us part" not until my husband betrays me. Just continue to stand firm, do and act as God would have you to, and leave the rest in God's hands. I will be praying for you.

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 138

Yes he is in denial about the facts. I was doing good until he moved back home. I messed up today and asked him what were his plans for the marriage going forward. He stated that he had already told me he was not going to counseling and not going to any retreat. I told him we cannot go forward as long as he kept his relationship with the OW.

So I asked again and he said he was not asnwering that right now. So I asked when he would be able to answer and he said he did not know. I felt like a dumb animal at that point. He said let's talk about something else then he began to talk about the re-grand opening of a store. Then he asked why do I keep talking about something he doesn't want to talk about. I told him b/c it was important to me and the state of our marriage, so he said the more I asked the more I'd push him away.

I saw this reply email :

Glad to see you've made it back home. I certainly hope things work out for you down there. Just remember one thing, although it's fun to play, there's no place like home. But I feel you on saving those funds; I keep a mad stash myself (laughing).
----- Original Message -----
From: My H
To: his friend

Sent: Sunday, April 20, 2008 12:26 AM
Subject: home

came back home a few nights ago....the wife is still upset...man, she
has gone to my daughter's job already....she just started a week
ago....not sure what else she is up to with our situation....gotta
save some funds in case I have to roll out

So he's more into preparing for a roll-out vs doing whatever it takes to save the marriage. I know it says for better or worse but I'm not sure I can deal with him righ in the house talking to her at night and I have to drag thigns out of him.

In the email about going to my daughter's job is a lie. I picked her up once and went in as she worked 25 mins over the time she was to have gotten off. I waited in the lobby of the fast food place. My D lies to him and he believes her despite her record of lying and stealing. He lies to her about me. Heart-breaking!

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 97

Ladyt,
Wow! I see your point, that would be hard to handle. Well, if he is seriously thinking about saving up to move out, that would take the situation completely out of your hands, but something tells me he is just stringing her along. They could pool their funds if they really wanted to. They don't want each other full time because then the fantasy world would end. He doesn't keep coming back because of money. He's addicted to the way he feels about himself when he's with her but he wants to be home. He is just really messed up right now.

Since you have tried talking to him and you have already told him there can be no relationship until she is out of the picture, just keep standing firm, keep going to counseling and praying, and just act like you don't care anymore. Let him think he has totally lost you. Most people want what they can't have, maybe that will happen in this case. This is a very sad and tough situation. I am praying for you.

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 138

Thank you and others for encouragement and prayers.

I have decided to stay in my room or office and not be in his presence as that is where I'm most vulnerable to want to talk and get the "I don't want to talkabout it." from him.

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