How to see my point of view

ames · Newbie Joined: 23 Aug 2007 Posts: 6

My husband and I have been together for 16yrs, we have 2 beautiful children. I have always thought our marriage was perfect, until last nov, when he went on a trip out of town with the guys, only to find out later a 21 yrs old woman also went. Ever since then she calls, texts and stops to see him to tell all about her problems and what not almost daily or has him call her back. He assures me that there is nothing going on and she is young and dumb when I confronted him about the calls. At one point I accused him of being unfaithful. I believe him that he would not cheat on me, however I don't trust her. It seems to be an emotional thing. She has been with other married men and I am afraid temptation is knocking on his door, she is the devil in my eyes. I have been confronted by outsiders who have heard gossip that he is having an affair with her. He was very upset that someone would think such a thing and it was not true , he would tell me first. I have confronted her three times and told her how uncomfortable it makes me, and she says just friends nothing more and understands my side and why I would be upset. She seems to be emotionally attached to my husband. I have tried to let god take over, I am just scared of losing the one thing I thought could not be broken. I feel I have destroyed his trust in me and he is withdrawing from me as I am always on the defense that something is happening. I have been praying for strength and for the lords forgiveness. I just wish she would leave our lives, I don't understand why god has brought her into our lives. We have had several conversation about this issue, but my feelings and point of view seems to go unheard and I know he has a huge heart and loves to help those in trouble... I just think its time for her to move on...or maybe for me to let go and have faith in God, my husband and our marriage. Please pray for us.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

I have prayed for you and your marriage.

Your discernment on this issue is right on the mark. It is important to put protective hedges around your marriage, and one of those hedges includes no contact, phone calls, texting or chatting online with members of the opposite sex. It may seem innocent to him, but it is not innocent to this woman. Women do not pursue contact with married men without a goal in mind.

One last try with your broken record -

Your husband is sinning. It's that plain and simple. He is not protecting your marriage and the vows that he made to you. That is sin.

Proverbs 4:23
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

It is important for you to tell your husband (if you haven't already) that you do not feel safe or secure with this young woman around. There is an unhealthy emotional bond that appears to be taking place that has the potential to take his heart away from you. For you to feel safe and secure in your marriage, all contact with her must end.

Scripture is always the best source for questions/issues in our lives.

So, I will share some very specific verses that cover this issue -

Proverbs 6:27-28
Can a man scoop a flame into his lap and not have his clothes catch on fire? Can he walk on hot coals and not blister his feet?

Titus 2:11-12
The grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say no to ungodliness and wordly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.

Proverbs 4:14-16
Don't do as the wicked do, and don't follow the path of evildoers. Don't even think about it; don't go that way. Turn away and keep moving. For evil people can't sleep until they've done their evil deed for the day. The can't rest until they've caused someone to stumble.

jesuslovesyou · Junior Member Joined: 24 Apr 2006 Posts: 36

You need to tell your husband how much this hurts you. My husband had what I call an emotional affair many years ago with a single co-worker who needed someone to talk to and my husband was so easy to talk to and so understanding ...I didn't know it was going on until later and much later how far it had gone, but it hurt our marriage. He still doesn't believe he was having an "affair" or that it was wrong because they never did anything physical, but I know our marriage was hurt and I know I was hurt. He was giving her something that I needed and belonged to me- a part of him. He now at least admits that he can see how I was hurt and slowly because of communication our relationship is improving, but by all means, tell him how you feel and that it hurts you and even if there is nothing going on, your feelings and your marriage have to be more important to him and he has to stop calling her, seeing her etc.

I will pray for you. Also - if he finally agrees, don't continue to hold it against him or bring it up whenever you feel insecure in your marriage. That will be really hard sometimes, but find a way to bite your tongue.

Hugs!

ames · Newbie Joined: 23 Aug 2007 Posts: 6

Thanks so much for both of your replys.... I finally broke Friday and told him exactly how much this is hurting me, instead of beating around the bush per say. He has been more loving and I think he understands my feelings and the need to stop speaking to her. Jesuslovesyou... that is what I have been going through and feel totaly...does everyone go through a test at some point in marriage like this? I really don't have just one person who I trust to tell my true feelings to. Sometimes I just feel lonely like know one wants to hear my side about anything, okay most times. It is frustrating... I am a very understanding and patient person, who tends to over analize everything. I think of myself as a good listener as well, I always put everyone else first. My husband and I have really grown through all of this and it is getting better over time... I guess apart of me needs someone to understand, someone who has been there also... sometimes I dont think he realizes how important it is to me, that he respects my need for him not to speak to other women like he has been. We do realize that we need time together and we are learning how to be in love again, like we use to be before life took over. I continue to praise god for all the good things in my life. Thanks for your words of courage and prayer SAM, it means a lot to see someone hears me!

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 314 Location: In Prayer

If you haven't listened to the podcasts that Jim and Sheri Mueller(founders of Growthtrac) are doing - you need to. They are wonderful and you don't need an iPod to listen. Just "click" on the great big "click on" button and they will all pop up.

http://www.growthtrac.com/podcast/

They are great in inspiring us to think about things in our marriage - the words we say, how we have fun together, dealing with stupid fights over household chores and lots of other things.

ames · Newbie Joined: 23 Aug 2007 Posts: 6

babycakes, thanks so much for your input. We had a circle of friends that I thought was our support, however, a couple of them in which I confided about my suspisions in the begining turned out to be the ones that started rumors. It really broke my trust in anyone, my husband does not know about them spreading the rumors, nor do I feel it is important to make that an issue. Friends come and go throughout ones life and this is our time of change in that. He is also going through growing pains if you may... he turned 40 in November.....it has not just been the young woman, it slowly was starting prior to her....he is trying to figure out where he belongs, since our second child was born last Sept. His family has also distanced themselves from us and we dont understand totally why and our church is going through changes as well, we have not had a pastor for the past two years (long story). So i guess, support is something that will come to us in time, we have some friends, but not close enough for me to spill it to anyone around here (small town)..... He is not big on counelors and I know that would not work for him, but me yes I am open to it.... he tends sorts things out on his own and honestly our communication has really improved since I have called him to the table on several issues. it just has to be the right time and moment. On top of that his employee was caught stealing prescription drugs from one of his customers. And then I became concerned about the phone calls.. It just seems like everything has happened at once. Testing if you will. I am glad that I found this site.... everyones input has been uplifting. I do know that letting God take over is the best thing and honest it has been working slowly. I cant expect a miracle over night...it has taken a few years to get us to this point, a turning point. We both look forward to the next stage in our marriage... we both are figuring out that we are not in our twentys any longer and the best years are yet to come.

I know the devil is very strong in our home right now, but God is stronger and I believe with your prayers and words of comfort , I can overcome my fears and insecurities.

It seems everyone has a period of adjustment in life, just knowing how to cope with it is the key. If it werent for my children, I would really be lost, they keep me grounded and somewhat of a level head. God has blessed us all. Thanks so much for your prayers.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 314 Location: In Prayer

I am so sorry that you have gone through that betrayal with friends. It also happened to me a few years ago. But, God calls us to reconcile to the best of our ability and to forgive.

It's important to go to these people, separately, and speak to them about your hurt. And, to let them know, if you can at this time, that you forgive them. It's also OK to let them know that this has been detrimental to you being able to confide and trust in them. Unfortunately, even as Christians, we can gossip.

It is OK to look for a new church home. Especially if there is little guidance and vision flowing from leadership down to the congregation.

If you and your husband can go out on date nights twice a month, or more that is so helpful to your relationship and connection. You have to put it on the calendar and nothing can take precedence over it.
Couples often forget to do this.

ames · Newbie Joined: 23 Aug 2007 Posts: 6

babycakes, you are so right... but I have tried to convince him we need more help in dealing with all these changes in our life...if he has been dealing with a midlife crisis, I cant change him, just myself and how I deal with it all. I feel that through prayer I have been able to do so however, as like most I am not a very good christian when it comes to prayer on a daily basis. Since I have recently been praying daily I have found it to be a very powerful thing. I know that we will have good days and bad.

I am looking for the right support group. I just started to teach sunday school, so am hoping that God will place someone special in my life through the church.

His family does not ever talk about feelings and keeps to themselves like he does, that is were he gets his lack of communication and trying to fix it on his own... I believe it is the only way he knows.
As for forgiving my friends, I need more time, but know that I will as I feel it is important have closure. I think that the hardest thing is that I always need closure no matter what the problems is.

Thanks for your imput, it is like God is speaking through you, I really need to see your words right now.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 314 Location: In Prayer

Was just reading something on midlife transition, but not everyone has to go through a midlife crisis. It's from a book called "What's In The Bible For Couples" by Kathy Collard Miller and D. Larry Miller.

We start evaluating where we are and where we want to go and the importance of activities and attitudes that we value.

-Are they really important things in life?
-Are the long hours we've always worked really that important?
-Has climbing the ladder of success only made us reach the wrong building?
-Have we really loved the important people in our lives the way they want to be loved?

A crisis occurs when the things of life, which were previously important, become meaningless. It can happen when a person fails to make adjustments in attitudes and perspectives as he/she grows older.

The world offers the lure of sex, wealth and fame - as insufficient ways to fill the craving for significance that God built into us. God intended that the drive for significance would force us to seek Him and, to some degree, our marriage relationship. Although society gives us the impression that things of this world will fulfill us, they don't.

Only by knowing God and seeking him with all our hearts and making Him Lord of all, instead of Lord of a little, will we discover how much we are loved and valued by Him and begin living out that love through selfless giving to our spouse and others - that's where we find our true significance.

Midlife crisis occurs when we fail to nuture and grow our relationship with God.

A midlife crisis is characterized by the following -
- a desire to reevaluate
- a sense of time passing quickly
- a sense of purposelessness
- a loss of identity
- a loss of physical prowness or ability
- a disappointment
- a reduced ability to deal with stress

Trying to force our spouse to think logically about these things, or trying to quote Scriptures to make him or her see errors in thinking, will only raise more feelings of failure. While expressing the truth and validity of their feelings, we must let God do the work from the inside out.

People in midlife crisis can't understand what they are going through. They only know they feel frustrated and angry, and they usually end up blaming the closest and dearest person to them - their spouse.

Responding to an angry person -

Psalm 37-8
Proverbs 15:18
Proverbs 19:3
Proverbs 19:11
Proverbs 21:9
Matthew 5:22
Ephesians 4:26-27
James 1:19-20

Release the one you love to God. Let Him do the work.

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