How long before engaged?

preciousone · Newbie Joined: 20 Jul 2006 Posts: 1

I'm a "newbie" but I've been getting the marriage minutes for a year. Anyway, here is my story.

I was introduced to a Christian guy through a mutual friend 2 years ago. We talked on the phone for a week and then met. We quickly became close and fell in love. We have children close in age (me 2 sons and him 1). We enjoy the same type of activities. We listen to the same type of Christian music. He began attending the same church as me. We have several other things in common. We talk honestly and openly.

Within 2 months we talked of marriage. He had been divorced 5 years and me for 1 at the time. We were living together for almost a year and we saw what destruction it was doing to our lives and he moved out. We started attending christian counseling and read the book Too Close, Too Soon, which I would recommend. We attended a Weekend to Remember conference that first year. We began praying together out loud. We seemed to be headed in the right direction, slowly but surely.

In the 2nd year we are not living together but still having a really difficult time remaining pure. We have split up several times, most of the time his initiation and 1 time mine. Once was at the end of the counseling sessions when he just said he was too overwhelmed with it all. The break never lasts long because we have become best friends and our lives are so interwoven.

I feel that whatever issues and concerns are overwhelming him need to be talked about and I'm ready to talk. I know that we have made mistakes but we have grown immensely in our relationship. I want to continue to grow with him. My question is this, how long do I let the relationship continue when it doesn't seem to be moving forward to me? How long do I wait for him to formally ask me to marry him? It's not that I'm anxious to get married, I just want to know if I am the one for him and it seems to me that 2 years would be enough time to figure that out. I'd love to hear female and male comments.

I have read other posts that recommend the Dating with Pure Passion and Date or Soul Mate books and I plan to check those out.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

If this relationship is of God, it will both bring you a sense of peace. If not, and I believe there is a "if not", then you need to wait on God to show you the right time.

We so often want to get ahead of his plans for us, instead of waiting. This includes your purity. The intimacy you've decided to share has given you a false sense of intimacy - what you believe is there really isn't. If you want to fully commit your relationship and purity to God - it's time to find some accountability partners who are honestly going to ask you, "How's the purity going?" When you're asking for God's blessing on your relationship, yet you're being disobedient with your physical relationship - then I think His blessing is going to be rather hard to come by.

Maintaining purity is not easy - yet, what if you had close Christian friends praying for you and over you about this? Sometimes is takes just one of you to have the strength to walk this path. Also, work on discovering what trips you up - is it a look, a touch or a place. For many couples, it's being alone after 10:00PM in one of their homes. Coffee shop talk and intimacy can be accomplished with each other and with friends - which means not being alone together.

There is a great book by P. Roger Hillerstrom called, "Imtimacy Cover Up:
Uncovering the Difference Between Love and Sex." Also, I want to 'HIGHLY' recommend, "The Smart Step-Family" by Ron Deal.
Divorce rates are so incredibily high for 2nd marriages that this book is worth every penny.

It sounds like you were in pre-marital counseling or mentoring? Are you still doing that or have you stopped? Perhaps, you need to consider re-engaging in counseling again.

God is a God of do-overs. I believe if you earnestly seek his help in prayer and keep a journal of your prayer requests, you will see his hand helping you through this journey.

Are you willing to wait on God to show you when the right time is for marriage? I believe He is telling you very clearly - now is not the time.

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