How do I give advice? - about cheating spouse?

Jujubee · Junior Member Joined: 19 Jun 2002 Posts: 29

I found out today that a dear friend of mine's husband has been talking to other men online, and even arranging to meet them. She found out a few month's back that he was "bisexual", but he promised her he'd never act on it if she stayed with him. I have been praying for this couple for some time now. She is a new christian, and everything is piling up on her. How do I advise her?

Anthony · Full Member Joined: 14 Jun 2002 Posts: 84

Jujubee · Junior Member Joined: 19 Jun 2002 Posts: 29

Thank you for responding. I do know their individual background. To answer some of your questions....

You mentioned she is a christian, but what about him?
He is not saved. She has been saved only a year, and in that year it seems that everything has fallen apart on her.
Also how long have they been married? Almost 10 years
Do they have any kids? Yes, they have 2 beautiful little girls What does the husband feel about his situtation, does he want to save his marriage?He says that he does, however he has told my friend many lies. And everytime he says he will stop doing something, he doesnt.
Is he willing to seek help? No, he says he's ashamed of his homosexual tendencies.
What does your friend want, was she surprised? Surprised, hurt, angry. She is going through so many things right now. She says that she doesn't know what to do. She doesn't know how much more of the lying she can take. But she doesn't believe in divorce.
Is this a marriage she wants to continue in?She's not sure.

I have a hard time with this. I too believe that marriage is sacred. However, she didn't violate it, he did. But does that give her a right to leave? Who knows. Only God. The only advice I've given to this point is for her to pray, read her bible, and rely fully on God, because only he can truly advise her.

webacus · Posted: Thu Jun 20, 2002 4:30 pm Post subject:

Jujubee

As Anthony said, it's often difficult [and dangerous] to offer "advice". And, even though you are hearing this from a trusted friend, the information might be biased and incomplete.

I suggest you simply "be there" for your friend. Remember you are there to listen, pray, support, encourage and provide accountability -- not just advice.

>You might suggest Christian counseling for her. Do you know someone you could refer to her?

> Perhaps she might need you to watch her girls during this difficult time?

> Does she have a church? If not, take her with you to your church.

> Maybe she needs someone to pray with her. Suggest that and find some quiet time together.

This is serious stuff. "Adultery", his sexual preferences, mis-trust, dishonesty... I caution you not to play counselor. She needs you to be a Christian friend.

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Janine · Posted: Fri Jun 21, 2002 9:34 pm Post subject:

Scripture may give her the right to leave, but if she wants to put things back together, more power to her.

However, whatever happens, if she has reasonable grounds to believe he's been physical with ANYONE, man, woman or beast, she needs to take defensive action.

She needs to be tested for disease, and try to get her husband to be tested, right now. She needs to do whatever is in her power to do, to stay around for her girls. She was entrusted with them to raise them up "in the nurture and admonition of the Lord". At the least, she needs to name a guardian for them right away, in case she isn't around in the future. (That's a wise thing for everyone to do.)

She needs to insist on a condom for intercourse, if she doesn't feel right totally abstaining from it. Condoms are often no help against disease (don't believe the propaganda-- they are not foolproof), but some protection is better than nothing. I don't care how many advances in medical science have been made, AIDS and a couple of other STD's are still, even in the 21st century, an eventual death sentence.

We must always leave everything in God's hands, of course... but, still, Noah got into the boat. We take appropriate action in life, as befits good stewards of all He has given us.

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

The Smith Family on PBS highlights a family in which the situtation is very similar, that is a wife who's husband has had an affair with a "gay man". In this real life story the husband and wife bot get the HIV virus. The show deal with all the issues.

Note: It involves a Mormon Family, but the issues are still important no matter what faith or belief people have.

webacus · Posted: Sat Jun 22, 2002 2:30 pm Post subject:

Janine
I agree. Proactivity is crucial.

** I may not have been clear, above. You offer "urgent care", common sense advice.

I was cautioning against offering quick fix spiritual advice, which many of us are prone to do in such situations.

Janine · Posted: Sun Jun 23, 2002 4:51 am Post subject:

I was worried some might think I was too "hard" or "condemning" of the friend's husband... I should have known better. Thanks, Webacus.

I wish I could put things more clearly... It's like, holding God's hand and praying is the ultimate, last and first thing you do. And, in an intact marriage where the parents are going forward together, the Lord comes first, then the marriage, then the family...

But, when the spouses are suffering such a huge attack going on against the marriage, you back up into "basics" mode or "preservation" mode... then, you abandon your spot as a spouse in second place after the Lord; you put the family and care for resources the Lord has entrusted to you, such as your children, first, right after the Lord...

Once the threat is past, if it passes, then you rebuild on the spousal relationship, to have it secure again, so you can continue to raise the children or run the ministry or whatever other important thing you've been blessed with.

I hope that was a little clearer than it looks. Y'all read it carefully then critique it for me, will you?

webacus · Posted: Sun Jun 23, 2002 9:19 am Post subject:

Well put.

Y'all from the south? :rolleyes:

Janine · Posted: Sun Jun 23, 2002 9:35 pm Post subject:

French Louisiana. Below the Bible Belt.

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