Hi! Would love input re: should I divorce my husband...

bizgirl

Hi!

After 13 years of marriage I left my husband. I was shocked I did that but I am really enjoying time alone. My husband has been verbally abusive almost since day 1 of marriage. On a few occasions he has been physically abusive. I've been heartsick over the marriage for so long. He has had an anger problem and often blames me for things that go wrong. We've been to counseling and things will be okay for a short time then back to the same ole' thing. I've desired to be the godly wife God would ask of me to be. It's been a challenge and finally a couple months ago after he said some every discouargeing, negative things (which escalated in some physical attack) I left. He wants to reconcile the marriage but we are sooo different I know we won't be happy, just a "grin & bear it" relationship. He's now going for some counsel with our pastor, but I don't have any desire to stay married. Any thoughts???

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

No one deserves to be verbally and physically abused. That is itself is enough reason to leave a marriage. Sometimes is takes woman a long time to get to the place that "enough is enough".

God is a God of second chances, third chances, fourth chances and so on. He asks us to do the same in forgiving others. Perhaps, he could be asking you to do the same with regard to your husband? Because you posted here at GT, it could be that you are not really sure yourself?

You mention that your husband has had anger issues and that he wants to reconcile. There are a lot of things broken here, but it doesn't mean they are impossible to repair - God is the great healer and restorer.

The fact that you have separated yourself from the situation by leaving is a good thing. It allows you to take a step back and honestly look at the whole picture and protect yourself. It gives you the time away from him that allows you to see if your husband is truly willing to make the necessary changes in himself with God's help.

Continue to seek counseling for yourself and as a couple. But give it a good six months or longer as you feel is necessary. Your husband and you may need professional counseling with a Christian counselor - this situation of cycling through abuse may beyond the capabilities of your pastor.

It's possible your husband was subjected to this abuse in his home growing up - just a thought. He may not have had the greatest example from his own earthly father, but it's possible to gain a new perspective from our Heavenly Father - if he is willing? Is there alcohol involved? If so, a non-negotiable will be attending AA.

Set up the perimeters of your separation with your pastor. There needs to be set guidelines - here's some suggestions:
http://www.growthtrac.com/boards/separation-guidelines-t854.html

Give it a second chance, and begin to date each other again. Do not be physically intimate during this time and do not move back in. It's called dating. There is something in this man that you fell in love with in the beginning. See if those things are still there. Trust takes a long time to rebuild - see if he is willing to rebuild it with you.

If you do not see any changes in behavior after 6 months, then you have your answer. You said things would be better in the past for a short period of time. Well what was that time frame? A couple of weeks or a couple of months?

You don't mention where your relationship with Christ is, or whether your husband has one with Christ. I know through Him all things are possible.
Even what appears to be an impossible situation, may not be.

Be careful, be cautious and watch what God might do. Jumping into a divorce immediately may not always be the right solution. Giving it some more time may be what God is asking you to do - it's called trusting him.
Allow him to guide your emotions and reactions. Allow him to give you a sense of peace about this.

Lord, I lift up bizgirl and her husband to you. You alone know the condition of the heart. I ask that you clearly show bizgirl her husband's heart and his willingness to become a changed man. Draw them both close to you through this time - give bizgirl a sense of peace about the direction her marriage should take. Protect her Lord, do not let her be hurt again either verbally or physically. Clearly show her if this marriage can be saved, and clearly show her if it cannot be saved. In Christ's name - Amen.

bizgirl · Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 9:37 pm Post subject: Great Advise Sam!

Oh Sam! What awesome advice and what a wonderful ministry this website it!

I have forgiven my husband seventy times seven and yet how hard and old the situation becomes. When I think of the God of second chances, I think "a second chance at another marriage" would be wonderful. I definitely AM in a quandry. When I met my husband he was a business owner, very handsome, and seemed quite smart. He was a new Christian for only 3 years and I for at least 14 or so. I am his 3rd wife. He is my first husband. I guess I was attracted to the fact that he owned a business and could relate to my "aspirations". Later, he turned out to be quite controlling, critical and demanding. I became depressed on many occassion but still have hope and great faith in God. I've had an extensive background in women's ministries and yet through my marriage I have felt "less spiritual" and made to feel quite inadequate. It breaks my heart that all I ever wanted was to minister to women and now I feel like such a failure and a let down. I own a women's fitness studio now for 2 years which has put a lot of pressure on the marriage, but there is ALWAYS something that puts pressure on it.

My husband, indeed, was brought up with a father that was "extremely" perfectionistic. He would backhand my husband if he did'nt park his bicycle straight enough in the garage... I don't think he has dealt fully with what he was brought up with and his father was killed in an auto accident when he (my husband) was only 21. I've had a lot of sympathy and felt merciful towards him which is what I think God used to keep me in the marriage. However, as you said "enough is enough". He has criticized me so much. I struggle because as a Christian woman I made vows and cannot get beyond that. I don't want to make a mistake and regret it, yet I do not want to be heavy hearted for the rest of my life. I'll be 50 in a couple years and I had hoped for something more...I've always wanted the BEST relationship (Such as what is decribed in "A Severe Mercy") and here I live on eggshells everyday!

I feel that it is easy to go back and work things out. However, although I can work through it, put up with it, know what to do to "not make waves", my heart will still be lonely and empty. There is no fun, no passion, and no attraction left.

Thank you for your prayer.....that was ABSOLUTELY wonderful. I checked out the links you provided. Thank you! They were helpful. As far as alcohol goes, the last year I have started to drink more heavily than ever before. I would come home from work every night and have at least 2 glasses of wine to chill out and numb out. I will check out an AA program. I am still so shocked in even having this kind of problem!

Thanks again! Smile

I think 6 months minimum is great.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

The Grass Is Not Always Greener - and the love you are seeking will more than likely not be found in another man. It will only be found in Christ. He is where you will find your self-worth, your beauty and the desires of your heart.

If your husband is willing to work this out and seek counsel, if he's willing to own up to his mistakes and seek forgiveness, that's half the battle. The other battle is fighting his demons and yours. It would be wise to seek counsel for yourself right now to be able to talk these issues through and to have someone that will help you heal and keep your head on straight.

So many women walk themselves out of a marriage like yours, right into the arms of the first man that pays them any attention. They seldom seek counseling for themselves to give them time to heal the wounds of the previous relationship.

bizgirl · Posted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 11:13 am Post subject:

Hi Sam! Once again, wonderful advise!

I have sought counsel with a very Godly older woman years ago (she was actually a licensed counselor) during another difficult time in my marriage. I contacted her again a couple weeks ago and we plan to be in touch again soon. In the meantime, I started going to another church and have a couple godly friends I speak to fairly regularly. Of course, one of them is very supportive of my separation as she had an abusive marriage once. She said they don't change.

Christmas Eve day, my husband and I went to lunch. He said he wants to work on the marriage. He said nice things (but he's said nice things before) however, he did say if he took more time to get to know me he would not have married me. Hmmm. He said he loves me and is attracted to me. I guess I just don't get that. How could I want to be with someone who says he wouldn't marry me if he had known....? He is an extreme "neat nick" and I am a pack rat. He's very structured, disciplined and I'm carefree and procrastinating. I realize there will always be differences in any marriage, but I feel our differences irritate each other. We can meet each other half way, as he said we would have to do but I know I live with the pressure to conform to his (my husband) way...which is where all the criticism comes in.

RE: walking in the arms of another man, I have definitely experienced great temptation. Although the grass is not always greener, it certainly looks like better grass! More on this subject later.

RE: ministry to women. I have most definitely thought about that. When I was a new Christian (around age 19 or so) I was on my knees in my little appartment and asked God to allow me to experience everything that women go through so I can relate and minister to them. The tough marriage, being a stepmom, and a myriad of other experiences the last 20+ years have brought me to my knees in seeking His strength and wisdom. Several years ago I was in a good place, ministry speaking. I developed a women's weekly bible program at our church and was just about to accept the position as chapter president for a national women's ministry. I was totally excited! Then one morning my husband had a huge blow up because I ran off to a women's leadership meeting and left christmas baking supplies out all over the kitchen counter. It was ugly. I had to step down from ministry at the advise of one of our church elders. I've been down since....

Okay, I know this is WAY too much to be sharing. I guess it's easy to do.

Thanks for listening and for caring!

Dead Helen · Newbie Joined: 29 Nov 2006 Posts: 4

[b][i] Hi-If I'm not mistaken, Jesus gives an affair by the wife as the only reason for divorce. Not that one should, but it's the only Biblical reason. No one should have to got thru emotional, physical, psychological or any other abuses. I hve been on the receiving end of a few of these and have eventually come full circle and became an abuser. I would say some of the most vile things to him. When all was said and done I couldn't imagine why or how I could have felt that way. I was saying to him what I thought of myself. Over the years, my self worth was non-existant and every thing he said to me was negative. It wasn't really; I took a snippet here and a word there and make up my own meaning to what he said. Everytime he tried to help me with some sort of project I felt he was taking it away from me 'cuz I wasn't competant enough to do it. I also understand what your husband means by if he knew then what he knows now. I feel the same way about my husband. If I knew just how much of a pompous prig he would turn out to be, I would have ran. But I didn't run. i do love my husband, he's a good man. Here's something I say sometimes(my husband hates this). There many better men out there, it doesn't mean they're better for me. There's a reason God put you two together, ya just got to figure out what that is. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and sometimes I don't know if I could stand him another 10 minutes; other (and most) times, I can't wait to see what the next 10 years brings. He is the pack rat; he has 5 years worth of 4 different kinds of car magazines; my laundry room, basement, garage, and storage shed we've had for 8 years, all hold car parts. We have 3 cars, we're down 2 since September. It's so bad that he's been to court about it. We live in a very nice neiborhood, but our yard looks like it belongs in Junkyard Monthly. I am the neatfreak. I am very extreme on some things, too. Have you read Power of a Praying Wife? It has helped me cope with my husband and myself. It is not a book on how to change your husband. God will do that in the way he sees fit. Hope some of this helps. [/i][/b]

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