Help with listening skills

WorkingwithGod · Junior Member Joined: 22 Oct 2006 Posts: 27

My wife and i have had a rocky road in the almost 2 years of marriage including a 3 month separation. We have been back together working things through with a great counsellor now for the last 9 months but we still fail to get through to the intimate level we both strive for. God has revealed to me in the last few days how i have crushed my wifes heart by not being able to listen to her effectively and hear her hearts cry. I have got triggered by her comments and started a war every time she opens up which has in turn caused her to shut down. This in turn shuts down the intimacy between us and any sort of physical connection which in turns make me disconnected and angry. So i get angry because my wife won't connect with me and she is distant because i won't listen to her. This has been a viscious cycle for a long time but i am slowly getting the picture and i need to be able as the spiritual leader of the home to allow my wife to open her heart to me again by being gentle, soft and listen to her.
I need some advise on how to listen effectively please!!! I'm ok when its not about us but as soon as she tries to communicate anything to do with us or her past, i take it personally and thats when the listening stops and the attack defense mode kicks in. My parents never communicated very well so i am really a dunce when it comes to being able to listen well. I have been reading some good articles but trying to learn and apply in the midst of it is hard work.
Would appreciate some godly advise please:)

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2047 Location: Chicago

Welcome - and thanks for your honesty and openness to sharing your situation. We're glad you've found GT and I am so glad to hear you and your wife are in counseling.

There are several books that have been turning points for many couples recommended here at GT -

Every Man's Marriage by Stephen Arterburn
Every Woman's Marriage by Shannon Ethridge

Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs and
Cracking the Communication Code by Emerson Eggerichs

It seems you are in "the crazy cycle" that Emerson Eggerichs writes about. Love and Respect is worth every penny you will spend. Cracking the Communication Code is a follow-up to the first book and digs a lot deeper and recovers a lot of material, but it really helps it sink in.

Love and Respect offers a conference that I have heard rave reviews about -
http://www.loveandrespect.com/content/calendar_index.php

Here's an exclusive interview that Growthtrac did with the author -

http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/a-conversation-with-emerson-eggerichs-3-1075.php

Lastly, I came across a book this past year that has flipped me upside down in how I listen to and relate to the Holy Spirit and the promptings of God. It is called The Divine Mentor by Wayne Cordeiro.

I have come to learn that the temperature of my marriage has a lot more to do with me and my relationship with God, than it does with my spouse. If I'm cold or lukewarm in my relationship with God, my marriage temperature is the same or worse.

You cannot change your wife, but you can change your heart and your reactions and words toward her to reflect the love of Christ everyday. If you're in counseling hoping to change her, it's not going to work. When you condemn her with your words, eyes, or actions - you will shut down her heart and desire for you.

Your choice.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 368 Location: NJ

I second the recommendation for the Love and Respect material. My wife and I went to a video presentation of this at our church, and I found it to be very helpful.

In addition to the recommendations above, a good book for resolving conflict with anyone is The Peacemaker by Ken Sande. It has been very helpful to me also.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 314 Location: In Prayer

There is a very good tool that my husband and I learned a long time ago -
it's called "I've got the floor". Take a small piece of carpet, or any object for that matter, and the person who is talking holds the carpet. Once they're done, then they pass to the person whose turn it is to talk.

While you hold the carpet, you can speak. When you don't have the carpet you have to keep quiet and listen. And, the idea is not to think of ways to issue rebutable about what the other person has said, but to talk about what's on your heart and to address what you think you heard so you have a better understanding of what your spouse is saying.

It's not as easy as you think because you want to interrupt at first and you want your spouse to see your side when they are done talking.

What we discovered about each other is, we wanted the other to see our side and agree with us at all costs. Which means, we each wanted to win and be right. The desire to win, be right and always have my husband agree with my side of things was destroying our marriage.

Here's what a friend shared with me that pierced my heart. It says it all...

Galatians 5:14-15
The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

The oneness you are searching for with your wife means oneness with God at the center of your relationship. It's oneness with Him. I've come to understand that "oneness" does not mean "sameness". Because if we were to think the same, talk the same, respond the same, do things the same - one of is unneccesary.

Gary Chapman has two new wonderful books out called Everybody Wins: The Chapman Guide to Solving Conflicts without Arguing
and Home Improvements: The Chapman Guide to Negotiating Change with Your Spouse - they are awesome!

WorkingwithGod · Junior Member Joined: 22 Oct 2006 Posts: 27

Thanks for your replies.
Our ways of dealing with conflict have certainly got better with time and with God's help. My intention of posting was to gain some insight into the best ways to actually listen to a woman without reacting as a man. I pray daily for God's help in understanding and to let my own past go and surrender to God's plan for my life. I guess 32 years of doing something one way, it's extremely hard to break the cycle and know what i should be doing to hear my wife. As soon as it start to feel attached in which on the outside i can see her trying to tell me how she is feeling to connect with me, i then start to feel attacked and that she is telling me what i have done wrong again.. so i defend and the cycle starts again. I can see afterwards what i did wrong, but in the midst of it, i still react and it drives me crazy. I'm lucky that i have an amazing wife that lets go of everything everyday so we can start again afresh the next morning. I can see God is taking me through a refining process. I would really like to be able to see my wife flourish through being able to communicate her heart with me sooner rather than later.

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