Help - trying to save my marriage

critterbugsdad · Newbie Joined: 13 Oct 2002 Posts: 4 Location: pennsylvania

I have struggled with a porn addiction in the past and thought I had beaten it, but about a month ago I fell back into the same trap again. Well my wife found where I had visited sites on the net. Then to make matters worse I lied about it and lashed out at her. We have only been married for a little over a year but have been together for almost 6. We have 5 children 3 together. This isnt the first time i have hurt her there have been several instances in the past when I have hurt her badly. She has always been able to forgive but this time she doesnt know if she can.
I have enter counceling with my pastor useing material from Pure Life ministries, and I am trying to do everything that I can to show my wife that I truly do love her more than any thing. And want to be with her above all. Please pray that God will again strengthen our marriage. thanks in advance and God bless.

webacus · Posted: Sun Oct 13, 2002 3:14 pm Post subject:

First, welcome. I'm glad you're here.
I've prayed for you.

I'm sure Dave will jump in... He's had some first hand experience on this topic with guys in his men's group.

Check out this site,xxxchurch. Their mission statement:
Xxxchurch exists to bring awareness, openness, accountability, and recovery to the church, society, and individuals in the issues of pornography and to begin to provide solutions through non-judgmental and creative means.

Glad your in counseling.

Sounds like there's more "stuff" in your background... [?] Are you both in counseling?

critterbugsdad · Newbie Joined: 13 Oct 2002 Posts: 4 Location: pennsylvania

Thank you for your response and your prayers. I have been to 3x web site they have alot to offer. Yes there has been other "stuff" in my past. this is second marriage for both of us. We were both hurt in our first marriages.she is not in councelling now but pastor does plan to speak with her at a later date.thanks again for your prayers.

Janine · Posted: Sun Oct 13, 2002 11:41 pm Post subject:

Good on you for getting some counseling.

The way I have seen to build and to rebuild trust is to make a comforting "nest" of accountability.

Is your weak spot when you're on line on your computer at home? Well, where is your computer? Is it out in the open in the family area, living room, kitchen, wherever there are people nearby who can see at all times what you're looking at? If it's at work, don't go on line there. If you must for your job, have an open-door there too.

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Hi Critterbugdad

This is a lifetime issue for men. It is not something that is ever solved or eliminated. Men have to be conscience of God and there thoughts where ever they go, do, or see. Counseling is great, but you need to be in fellowship with other Christian men, who deal with the same issues, and can help you to stay in check weekly. Counseling is a waste unless you have real practices in place. Counseling chit chat, and warm fuzzy discussions won't help here. It would be like going to counseling to discuss a cigarette smoking habit. You need to be with christian men.

If internet porn is a problem, then stick a I Love Jesus sticker on the monitor, have a plastic Jesus on top of the Monitor. Have a Bible sitting there next to the keyboard. And if that doesn't work, get an overlay program or service to screen out the porn.

This is spiritual warfare, and if you treat it lightly, then of course your going to be a casuality, as well as your wife and kids.

Janine · Posted: Mon Oct 14, 2002 6:20 pm Post subject:

Stuff other people consider just normal advertising or movies is really pretty pornographic these days. Clean up what you watch for entertainment, too.

Have worship music or some form of Christian music constantly playing, like a sound track for your whole life.

tapper28 · Posted: Tue Oct 15, 2002 9:26 am Post subject:

I am critterbugsmommy.
I met cbd in April of 1997. We have been on a roller coaster of a relationship since then, with the ride making several stops so that one of us could exit....reboard....exit....reboard.
I am tired of the hurts, promises, broken promises, lies, anger, resentment, mistrust, forgiving.... only for it to lead right back to another hurt because he feels he has the privilege and ticket (forgiveness from last hurt) to do whatever he wants to. I do have feelings! Maybe not as many as I used to; they can only be trampled so many times before they are completely destroyed... and I don't appreciate those feelings being treated as though they are meaningless.

Anthony · Full Member Joined: 14 Jun 2002 Posts: 84

Quote:

because he feels he has the privilege and ticket (forgiveness from last hurt) to do whatever he wants to

Is this your opinion or his? Meaning does he also feel he has the privilege to do whatever he wants? Is he justifying or rationalizing his actions in viewing pornography? Does he feel what he is doing is wrong only because he has a wife?

tapper28 · Posted: Tue Oct 15, 2002 1:54 pm Post subject:

Anthony...
You make a good point,; I guess it's my opinion... but it's the opinion that HIS actions have led me to. What he feels... I honestly have no clue about anymore. He has shut me out of his own little world... getting anything out of him... the truth, that is... is like trying to get sugar from a lemon.

Janine · Posted: Wed Oct 16, 2002 9:47 am Post subject:

Tapper:

There's always the idea that he has in spirit if not in truth taken other women into your marriage bed through his love of pornography.

Thus crushing & destroying your marriage covenant & dishonoring you.

1) Why would it be a good idea to run off and leave his sorry rear behind, divorcing him and starting clean as a single woman devoted to the Lord?

2) Why would it be a bad idea to sadden the Lord by divorcing him, even though you might have Scriptural grounds to do so?

Can you talk about it?

tapper28 · Posted: Wed Oct 16, 2002 9:26 pm Post subject:

Janine,
Thank you for the email... I'm always looking for other sources of help/ encouragement.
Yes, it does feel like he hs brought other people to our bed, even if in his own little fantasy world. Since I have found out what he has been doing, I can't even think of being intimate with him... I can't get past the idea that he wants someone/ something else that I am not.
To answer your questions... #1) I have very seriously considered doing just that. It's kinda scary thinking about being a single mom of 5, but I know that I AM strong enough to do that, even if I do doubt my strength as a wife. I made it as a single mom of 2, after my first divorce; as a single mom of 3 and 4 on seperate occassions after my present husband decided at other times that I was not who/ what he wanted out of life....#2) The thought of saddening the Lord... that really bothers me. I know that He hates divorce, but I'm sure that He also hates to see His children hurting over and over... so, would this be a bad idea? I really don't know the answer to that yet. #3) Talk to whom? If him, I have tried, and all I get is the same answers..."I don't know why I did it... I'm sorry... It won't happen again...etc...etc..." The same answers I've gotten over and over for 5 1/2 years. To someone else? I welcome the opportunity to get all this off my chest and try to make sense of it all... if there is any sense to be made.

webacus · Posted: Thu Oct 17, 2002 7:03 am Post subject:

Quote:

1) Why would it be a good idea to run off and leave his sorry rear behind, divorcing him and starting clean as a single woman devoted to the Lord?

2) Why would it be a bad idea to sadden the Lord by divorcing him, even though you might have Scriptural grounds to do so?

I hope I'm not taking the above comments out of context...
Pornography addiction in itself is not biblical gounds for divorce.

Janine · Posted: Thu Oct 17, 2002 8:08 am Post subject:

No, I would not say any addiction, by itself, is grounds for divorce. But, depending upon the other things that come into the household because of an addiction, there may be plenty of grounds for

*dividing the household
*making the addicted one go away so as not to poison the "nest"
*setting up conditions... like, if it's an addiction, then the addicted one cannot control himself... so, while undergoing all appropriate counseling and care, he needs to set himself under another person's control, for the sake and safety of the family. HUGE accountability, how every single moment of the day is spent, as with a small child
*and possibly divorce... a porn addiction, maybe more than any other, may lead to adultery in those times when he's abandoned the spouse... unless he's so twisted by now that what he thinks he needs for sexual satisfaction is no longer found in nature

I'd be interested to know, Tapper, what caused the first marriage to fall apart? Are you caught in a repeat pattern here? If so, I pray you can break the pattern.

webacus · Posted: Thu Oct 17, 2002 9:27 am Post subject:

Janine, I'm probably getting off-topic here, but I just wanted to make clear what I believe are biblical grounds for divorce.

Addiction alone is not.

Adultery, yes.
Abandonment, yes.

Abuse... A fuzzy area. But no partner should stay in a hurtful, abusive relationship.

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

How did this go from a problem dealing with a pornography addiction to the finer points of getting a divorce? How do you jump from one to the other.

There isn't a man in the world that hasn't had to deal with this issue at one time or another, or at some level. It is something that every man deals with every week, some do a better job of handling it then others.

Many men rationalize their behavior, since they were teenagers. Women react to their husband's addiction rather than preparing for it. Meaning they see the warning signs and the outwards signs long before they actually catch them in the act.

If every women divorced their husbands who currently has a porno habit, there would be thousands of divorce papers filed tommorrow.

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