Help - trying to save my marriage

tapper28 · Posted: Thu Oct 24, 2002 9:38 pm Post subject:

Webacus,
Well, I'm in as much counseling I can get right now... I have been in contact with a minister online; as far as face to face, no... its not my turn yet. Our pastor wants to help him beat this thing first, then deal with what I'm feeling.
I will admit that honoring God has been a challenge.... my walk has suffered in this too. I know that it's not God's fault that we are having marital problems, but it is still difficult holding on at times.
Yes, I know that abandonment is a sound reason for divorce, but there are so many who still advise gainst it, even being the 6th time he has left... or as it stands right now, just threatened to leave.
Me save the marriage? I don't think that's possible with the way I'm feeling right now. How could I possibly save something that I feel so violated in... uncomfortable with any ideas of intimacy, the integral part of a marriage, as far as he seems to be concerned?

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Is he a [biblically -defined] Christian?

Maybe I could answer that better if you explained a little bit. But, then again, who am I to judge whether he is or not?

webacus · Posted: Thu Oct 24, 2002 10:02 pm Post subject:

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Maybe I could answer that better if you explained a little bit. But, then again, who am I to judge whether he is or not?

It's not really a matter of judging, it's something you should know about him [and yourself].

Many people have a false assurance of salvation. They think they are Christians because of the church they attend, the denomination they belong to or because of the good things they do.

The bible says none of us can be good enough. All of miss God's standard of perfection. Because of that, we all deserve physical and spiritual [hell] death.

That's why Jesus came here. He lived the perfect life we couldn't live. He took our sins upon Himself. He died as our substitute, forgiving our sins so we could go to heaven.

What Jesus did for you and me was a free gift. We can't earn it.

The bible says it's not enough to know or agree with these things -- we need to personally appropriate what Jesus did by receiving Him into our lives. We do that simply through prayer... Asking forgiveness and inviting Him into our life as our personal savior.

Have you done that? Has your husband done that?

You should be able to look back and identify a defining moment when you made that decision.

For more in-depth information look here.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

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uncomfortable with any ideas of intimacy, the integral part of a marriage, as far as he seems to be concerned.

Interesting comment - Is this all there is to marriage? Somehow when the physical intimacy is not there, we feel a marriage is over. There should be more to build on than the physical aspect of a relationship. Spiritual connnectedness, conversation, sharing throughts, dreams, desires, touching each other, kissing, holding each other. Just because the physical act of intercourse isn't possible or desirable at the moment doesn't mean things should be over.

Remember in sickeness and in health? There may come a time when one of you becomes ill, physical intimacy may not be possible, what then?

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

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Our pastor wants to help him beat this thing first, then deal with what I'm feeling

That is great your pastor is getting involved, and your husband is willing to deal with the issue with him. But he needs to be reminded, focused, and in check each week, by being in an accountability group with other christian men with the same problem, otherwise it will happen again maybe no now, but 6 or 7 months down the road.

In the past when you caught your husband, did he not talk to a Pastor then?

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Ok, so how exactly would you advise me to

Is your marraige in need of some minor repair, or is the car totalled? Just fixing a few broken things may make and feel like the car is working, but it's not going to survive any long trips.

You need through counseling to be re-united and re-introduced to your husband, and he to you. You need to go back to the begin of your relationship and rebuild it. You can't build a new house on your old falling apart foundation. Also this time around God, need to be fully intergrated.

critterbugsdad · Newbie Joined: 13 Oct 2002 Posts: 4 Location: pennsylvania

webacus... yes, I have done that... but sometimes I still doubts.. is that normal? Doubts that He could really still love me despite all the times I have made poor decisions.
Sam... he says that sex is really the only way he knows to show his feelings, but I do wish he'd learn other ways.

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remember in sickness and in health?... what then?

well, I must admit that he does take good care in spoiling me when I am physically ill.
Dave... He says it's hard to find other Christian men with the same problem. No, he did not talk to the pastor the other times... this is the first time its happened since we got plugged in to a church.

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is your marriage in need of minor repair, or is the car totalled?

I'm not sure at this point... I do know that I don't like being and having been lied to through all of our relationship... I'm just now finding things out that I really feel I should have known all along. I thought God WAS an integral part of our marriage, that was our agreement when we got married. I am still trying to figure out what/ where it all went so wrong.

critterbugsdad · Newbie Joined: 13 Oct 2002 Posts: 4 Location: pennsylvania

oops... i posted under HIS name... not mine... that was supposed to be by TAPPER28 :withstupid: :laugh:

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

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He says it's hard to find other Christian men with the same problem

What planet do you live on? :inlove:

This is such a common problem among men, it has become a everyday problem. At your Church at least 25% of the men deal with this issues at some level, probably more.

Here is an on-line one-on-one series of workshops, Christian based which deals with many addictions, men find themselves in. You have an on-line counselor with which to chat and discuss the issue head on.
Setting Captives Free

tapper28 · Posted: Fri Oct 25, 2002 9:10 pm Post subject:

Dave,
Thank you. I hope something helps, and soon.... I'm not sure how much more of this I (or our marriage) can take, before total disintegration. I feel like I'm falling apart inside, and don't know of anything I can do to stop it.
Please, I'm asking all of you... please pray for this whole situation.
Sad

Janine · Posted: Sat Oct 26, 2002 3:41 pm Post subject:

Prayers you got.

Virtual {hugs}, too.

JC

tapper28 · Posted: Sat Oct 26, 2002 9:47 pm Post subject:

Janine...
Thanks... I needed both!

tapper28 · Posted: Tue Oct 29, 2002 11:33 am Post subject:

DaveP,
I guess I was wrong about him not getting on unless I'm right here. I found another (nasty) site the other day, even offering guys a private email address so their wives don't know what they're doing. He said he didn't go into the site, but....IT WAS RIGHT THERE, ON HIS SCREEN, WHERE HE TYPED IT IN!!! He says he was just checking to see if content advisor was working... but I had already checked that, with him right here. Just makes me feel like he's still trying to have his fun without me finding out.
Has anyone ever received a reply to a personal ad they "did not post"? Last night, he got an instant message from someone, saying.. "I just found your profile in the personal ads, and we're a perfect match..." Yet, he says he never posted a personal ad. I'm just really confused right now...
He asks me what he can do to show me he loves me, but when I tell him, it goes into a deaf ear. Any pointers? I really want him to figure out how to show me. Is that too much to ask for? He used to be able to figure it out.

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

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Any pointers?

You need to have guarantee blocking of adult material coming in over the internet - period.

Until this happen there appears to be no Hope.

1CO 6:18
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.

kelly · Posted: Thu Oct 31, 2002 11:04 pm Post subject:

Whoa, hello there. Sorry for jumping in on this half-way through. I'm Kelly, Tapper. I've been MIA for a while, but just got caught up here. Sounds like you need some big time helps and prayers. Let me start by saying that the bible does call for us to forgive 70x7 times. As Dave has already pointed out, this does not mean be a doormat 70x7 times. I am divorced from my first husband as he was abusive (your grey area Webs). I had to make the decision b/c he was affecting our children. After yelling at me with his finger in my face one day (yelling is an understatement, cursing at and wishing me dead is more like it), my then 2 year old daughter mimicked him after he left. When I had to watch my little one sticking her finger in mommy's face wishing her dead, I knew it was time to act. I prayed so heavily for a release from him, or a changing of his heart. I cried ou to the Lord to move b/c I was sinking. Wouldn't you know it, we were fighting the next day and I asked if he would be happier apart... he left two weeks later leaving me and the kids with nowhere to go! I divorced him on abandonment. I am now free from his condemnation and have been able to forgive him and let him go. I am re-married to an awesome man, happier than I thought I ever would be.

The moral of my story is that sometimes you get to a point where things just aren't changing. I waited 3 years for things to change with my first husband. They didn't. He just didn't want to really accept Jesus into his heart and make that change. Sounds to me like your husband has the same problem.

If he has been still sneaking around the internet porn, as you say he was just 2 days ago, it doesn't seem like anything is changing. Then for him to lie about it, ugh. And no, you don't get replies to personal ads you didn't submit. You say you are confused, there's nothing to be confused about here...he's lying to you. I was married to a pathological liar, and I cannot judge your husband as I don't personally know him, but pathological liars are good at getting you to be confused when the truth is right in front of you. If you found a porn site on the computer, HE WAS THERE. If you found a response to a personal ad, HE SUBMITTED ONE.

You say you have 5 kids, what is this doing to them? How old are they? There will come a time when they know what daddy is doing and they will either follow in his footsteps and lead a sinners life, or they will fill with bitterness and resentment at the ugliness they see in him and the pain he is causing you. This is no good as the bible commands you to raise up the children in the way they should go. You are accountable for them.

Is there a way for you two to split apart for a temporary season? Maybe stay with your mom or something? Sounds like you two need to both get counseling seperately in order to be able to possibly come back together and then get counseling together and move on. He sounds like he is all bound up in issues and if it continues he will drown and bring you and the kids with him.

Keep praying! Ask God to show you how to handle this. Give it to Him. Tell Him that you aren't strong enough, lay down at His feet your pain. He will hear your cries and move. Be sure you are relying on Him so you can hear Him when He tries to speak to you :inlove: . Don't give up on Jesus no matter what happens. Keep following Him and He will keep you in the palm of his hands. Some time from now, one way or another, you will look back with a sigh of relief and see what the Lord had done, how He had moved to save you.

But that's just my humble opinion. I will have you in my prayers.

Your sister in Christ, Kelly.

tapper28 · Posted: Fri Nov 01, 2002 1:56 pm Post subject:

Kelly,
Welcome back... Smile

Nice to meet you.
I'm really sorry to hear of all that you have been through, and encouraged to hear that you have found such joy and peace. Sinking, huh? I know that feeling all too well. Sad

Waiting for a lifeboat to come my way.

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The moral of my story is that sometimes you get to a point where things just aren't changing.

How do you know... I mean really[U][/U]know that you've reached that point, and you're not acting just out of self pity and selfishness? I have thought so many times that he had changed, that the old man was gone, only to find out how wrong I was. I want to see a change, but one that will last, not just be fleeting, until he feels comfortable again.
My kids are 11, 7, 4, 2, and 4 months old. The youngest three belong to him. As for what this is doing to them... I try not to let them know exactly what is going on, although when it first came out, I wasn't so quiet about it. They do know that something isn't quite right, though. My 2 yr old has become very whiney in recent weeks... whether or not that has to do with this situation, though, I cannot be sure.
Yes, I am in need of

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some big time helps and prayers

, and I appreciate everyone in here putting up with my ramblings!

kelly · Posted: Fri Nov 01, 2002 5:22 pm Post subject:

Ramble away Naps! I have done my share of rambling here. I know it feels good. You get stuff of your chest and can pick up some good advice. Smile

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How do you know... I mean really[U][/U]know that you've reached that point, and you're not acting just out of self pity and selfishness?

That is the hard part. I knew for three reasons. First I was feeling lower than I ever had before. I felt at my end, it was kind of like do or die. My emotions were in overdrive. I just knew I couldn't do it anymore. I was shot, done. This lead me to prayer, which brings us to the second way I knew...I prayed hard one very long emotional night for either a release from him, or a change of heart in him. It was the next day I asked him if he would be happier apart, I don't remember his initial response, but two weeks later he left us. I believe it was God. Some people arge, saying that God wouldn't do that, but my ex was a very lost, very sick, abusive person who just wouldn't accept Jesus even though many had tried. God had better plans for me. I believe God had my present husband picked out for me and I just couldn't wait (I married young). He found a way to fulfill His plan for my life b/c I gave myself to Him in my utter helplessness. The third way I knew it had to be the end one way or another was when my little daughter started copying his nasty behavior. Can't have that!

You need to really pour yourself out to the Lord in prayer. Just give it all to Him and let Him lead you. He may open doors, He may shut doors. Stay vigilent in your prayers and listen for Him. Maybe fasting is in order. Are you nursing your little one? If so, choose something other than nutritional food to fast...maybe sugar? He will hear your cries and you will hear and/or see something happening. This is really all you can do at this point. I say if he actually leaves again you have a right to leave on abandonment. Do you have a place to go? How is he with the kids? Congrats by the way on your newest! My newest is almost 2 months. This must be exceptionally hard being you have little ones. Support is essentail for your own mental well being. I went through my divorce immediately after my 2nd son was born. I slumped big time.

We're here for you. My e-mail address is public here, write to me if you feel the need. I'm on here a lot b/c the little one isn't sleeping for me :crazy: . God bless and PRAY!

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