Help - trying to save my marriage

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2064 Location: Chicago

Wow! We are all over the place here.

One thing my husband and I have worked on - if we cannot watch something in front of the children, then we don't watch it.

We became convicted by God many years ago. We used to sit and watch an R rated movie on video and send the kids upstairs.

Where's the lesson in that? We came to a decision that anything we watched had to be PG and very, very careful with PG 13.

I agree with where is the computer in your home? It better be out in the open where others can monitor as well as having a lockout program for the porn sites. Accountability with other Christian men is the key to working on this too.

Sorry, but I'm not in agreement with this being grounds for divorce. We can sure get into gray areas here and come up with unbelievable validation for something that should not happen. God does heal this, he does heal infidelity with couples - I have seen Him do this. Easy no, hard yes!

Janine · Posted: Fri Oct 18, 2002 7:52 am Post subject:

Did I say a woman should dump her spouse 'cause he looked at a girlie magazine?

Anthony · Full Member Joined: 14 Jun 2002 Posts: 84

Quote:

Did I say a woman should dump her spouse 'cause he looked at a girlie magazine?

No

But why drift the discussion as a lead in to divorce? :inlove:

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2064 Location: Chicago

Quote:

*and possibly divorce

Guess that is where I picked up the "D" word. Of course, there is a lot to consider with addictions in a marriage, but divorce should not be a way out of dealing with the hard parts of recovery.

And we were originally talking about pornography in a marriage. Hurtful, takes away ones self esteem, betrayal and so many other feelings not to be denied.

Sorry, when it seems things get hard in a marriage the big "D" always seems to surface. It is not, and will not, ever be a word in the vocabulary of my marriage no matter how hard it gets. And believe me, there have been times in 26 years of marriage that it has been VERY HARD.

Amazingly, there is very little difference in the divorce rate between secular marriages and Christian marriages. Still seems as Christians, we can always justify a way out.

tapper28 · Posted: Fri Oct 18, 2002 11:30 pm Post subject:

Janine,
Repeat pattern?..... Yes... you could definitely call this a repeat pattern; one that I have absolutely no idea how to break!
What caused the marriage to fall apart? Good question... one I have asked him several times. I had a new baby (#5) on 7/1/02. Sex was not the first thing on my mind as it was, and always always is, on his. He used that as his reasoning for returning to one of his old hurtful habits. He has not been emotionally supportive of me in quite some time. He has changed the person that I once was... I know, that I had a part in that for simply allowing it to happen, but I never thought it would go quite as far as it did. I no longer feel like I have an identity beyond that of a mom and a "wife." He has become very controlling... to the point that he doesn't want me to have friends, and has said as much to me.
So, where did the marriage fall apart? I do not know..I know when, but not why. It happened the day he decided our marriage was "a game", in his words.

tapper28 · Posted: Sun Oct 20, 2002 11:53 am Post subject:

he said "for the past four or five months, ive been playing a game with church, and to an extent with our marriage..."
now hes ticked because ive been talking about our problems here... wait... didn't HE start this post!?!?
now he says he never said that about our marriage. he has always said that nothing will work without honesty, but he lies to me daily.... and he says that he wants our marriage to work... but also says that hes leaving... what is this????
i guess i probably wont be making any more posts on here... i dont wanna make him mad, no matter how he makes me feel. bye and thanks for your prayers.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2064 Location: Chicago

Lord I ask that you bring peace to this family and to this marriage. We ask that you heal hearts, hurts and instill forgiveness and mending. Open eyes to ways that are not yours, but belong to the evil one. Bring people in their lives that are solid Christians and can hold them up as well as hold them accountable. In your son's name we pray -

Janine · Posted: Sun Oct 20, 2002 1:34 pm Post subject:

I wish I could understand men. Sad

Maybe God will explain them to me, right after He explains women. ???

---------------------------------------------------------
Lord, hold this couple in the palm of your hand, and let them know You are able.

Please, sir, mold us all into what you would have us to be.

tapper28 · Posted: Wed Oct 23, 2002 2:06 pm Post subject:

ok.. im not going to say that i have forgiven him.... but i will say this...... i have had my eyes opened to a new way of looking at things. i was asked last night, "he IS in counseling now, right?" yes, he is. then, "he HAS found his way home after leaving 5 times before, right?" yes, he has. then..."well, don't look at the distance yet to go, look at the distance already traveled." ouch!!! like i said, a different viewpoint, and a good one too! we still have a long long way to go, but who knows... maybe, just maybe some good can come of this whole mess!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2064 Location: Chicago

Quote:

well, don't look at the distance yet to go, look at the distance already traveled."

How true, we often lose sight of this and it can be eye opening to look at the situation from this perspective.
The best to you and your family.

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Quote:

he HAS found his way home after leaving 5 times before, right?"

5, do I hear 6, do I hear 7. Marriage doesn't included being a doormat. There are some boundaries. It isn't important that he has sucessfully come back five times, or better you let him come back fives times. What is important is "What is different this time around? What is he going to do differently? What has change to insure he doesn't repeat the same cycle all over again. And don't tell me, you're both in counseling; that is fine and well, but what concrete changes are occuring in your house and in him, not how good the counseling sessions are going or how good the counselor is.

What have you done with the Internet Access? :inlove:

tapper28 · Posted: Thu Oct 24, 2002 7:56 am Post subject:

Dave,
How about 70 x 7? Thats what he Bible says, right? But, I know that I don't have it in me to take it/ put my kids through it again, whether its 6 or 70 x 7.

Quote:

What isdifferent this time around?

I'm not positive... how could I be? But I'm sincerely hoping his heart is different this time. He hasn't left yet, and says he doesn't want to... but these too were said in previous circumstances. I have thought brfore that he had changed, only to find out later, as in the past months, that I was wrong in my thinking. How can one ever be sure?
I don't know that I could point out any 'concrete' changes, but I do know that sometimes I wonder whose heart (mine or critterbugsdad's) is made more of stone. One chanbe I do see, is he is opening up to me now, in ways that he never has before, about things I wish I'd known longbefore now. Why does it take losing so much to get some people to do what they know they should have done for starters?
I won't tell you that we're both in counseling... only he is. I'm still waiting my turn, and occassionally seeking counsel from on line minister, but as he said, counseling marital problems on line is very difficult, so it's more just me talking, him listening and giving pointers here and there.... sorta counseling I guess, but to a much lesser degree.

Internet access? Well, he doesn't really get on unless I'm sitting here anymore. I went out of town one weekend and turned on the content audit, which denied him access into even this and other Christian sies... oops :tounge2:

Anthony · Full Member Joined: 14 Jun 2002 Posts: 84

Quote:

How about 70 x 7? Thats what he Bible says, right?

The Bible does not say to be a doormat. Forgiveness does not mean to allow the action to continue over and over.

Forgive means: 1) to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; to stop being angry with; to pardon; 2) to give up all claim to punish or exact penalty for (an offense); to overlook; 3) to cancel or remit (a debt).

tapper28 · Posted: Thu Oct 24, 2002 2:12 pm Post subject:

Ok, so how exactly would you advise me to a) not allow the action to continue over and over... I can't control another's actions; and b) honor my end of the marital vows by not saying "Enough is enough... Get out and stay out!"? See, this is not exactly the easiest situation to see yourself out of, and know that its being done to bring glory to God. Yes, a doormat does describe the feelings that I have felt several times in the past, but I took a vow, for better or worse, and God hates divorce.... so how do I know what is right or wrong?

webacus · Posted: Thu Oct 24, 2002 5:40 pm Post subject:

Tapper... as always, I would recommend Christian counseling-- and I believe you are engaged in counseling, correct?

I admire how you are honoring God through this difficult time.

Remember, "abandonment" is an allowable, scriptural reason for divorce. Your spouse leaving you could be defined as abandonment.

If he continues to leave you and is unresponsive to your attempts to save the marriage, you may have biblical basis for divorce. Again, I would seek Christian counsel.

Is he a [biblically-defined]Christian?

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