Help to recover from rejected sexual advances

shakana · Newbie Joined: 01 Jan 2008 Posts: 1

We have been married for 12 years. We have not been able to have a consistent sex life since our marriage has begun. Our current "drought has lasted six weeks and counting.

After talking for several hours, we discovered that we both suffer from feeling rejected from previous sexual advances towards each other. We are not willing to move outside our emotional comfort zone because the pain of being rejected again is too great for either of us.

Additionally, we are having difficutly making quality time for each other. I am an entrepreneur with about 100 employees. Eventhough I have set-aside the weekends for the family, my schedule is fluid and unpredictable.

My wife is a stay-at-home mom with one child (4) whom she home schools. Her approach to our marriage is that she will squeeze sex in as she can. (Currently 1am is the time on the table Wink

) She says that she would perfer to do all her other activities before she connects with me. This is partly because she does not want to set aside "prime time" and then I am unable to make it because of work. I suggested that she be more flexible with her schedule since she is at home but she is unwilling to "wait around" just in case I am available.

How can my wife and I both experience healing from the pain of previous rejection for each other so that we may move forward?

I look forward to your insight."

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

I have a great book to recommend - The Five Sex Needs of Men and Women by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg.

In addition for you - Every Man's Marriage by Stephen Arterburn and for your wife - Every Woman's Marriage by Shannon Ethridge.

You are not alone - every couple at some point in time in their marriage reaches a stalemate on their sexual intimacy. The thing is, what used to be spontaneous and unplanned, now needs to be planned.

1st - make time for a getaway weekend together. And, plan one at least two to three times a year. Second, make a date night once a week, or no less than two times a month to go out together and have fun. Third, schedule nights of the week for intimacy - maybe it's Saturday and Wednesday. But, without any interruption those are your nights for intimacy. Put a blanket on your bedroom floor, order pizza and have a romantic picnic - laugh, cuddle and talk.

If your child does not have a regular bedtime, it's time to implement one of 8 o'clock each night. At the age of 4, there is no reason for him to stay up. That means bathtime is 7 o'clock - and reading time after that, then lights out.

This way, you have time in the evening to spend together.

It takes some effort, but your marriage and your sexlife need to start taking priority over work and over your child.

softy7 · Newbie Joined: 24 Oct 2007 Posts: 16

First, Read "Not in the mood for anything"

I too was suffering from feelings of rejection from my spouse. However, during and after my post, I constantly prayed for confidence and contentment in my situation. I talked to my husband about my feeling once and I never mention it again. I stopped complaining about not being sexually intimate. Then, he started responding. I stopped asking and trying to initiate sex. I simply was ready when he was and I removed my selfish attitude about not getting it when I wanted.

Now, it happens as often as 3-4 a week. Thank you Jesus because I was about to lose it!!

km · Junior Member Joined: 21 Dec 2007 Posts: 29

softly - I tried that too. We went from every other month or so to once or twice a year. I am very discouraged (battling other temptations is exponentially more difficult now).

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

Have you tried talking about this instead of letting it be the elephant in the room.

Example:

I miss being with you
I miss your touch
I miss your kisses
It's important to me that we work on our intimacy together.
What do you think we can do?
Can we visit the doctor together?
This is too important to me to let things stay the way they are.
I pray it is important to you too.

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