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My husband & I are separated for the 3rd time in 8yrs. He backslid a yr & a half after we were married. Life was sheer hell after that. He had multiples affairs, eventually I left when I was 5months pregnant. I was scared to loose my child because of stress. We reconciled when the baby was 11months old, separated again when she was just over 3. When he came back for the second time, I insisted on counseling & the renewal of vows. During both separations he stayed with 2 different women, one of them an ex he had a child with before he became a Christian.

Hardly 6months after he came back he was back @ his tricks again, numerous affairs, lying about work trips AND running around with the ex with a child again! I feel there’s no hope for this marriage anymore, I’ve lost the will to live with him. He’s got no intention of honoring this marriage. I gave him an ultimatum to go with me to this ex and sever the relationship and he gave a lot of excuses, in a nutshell he refused to do it.

I asked him to leave, B4 he got a place he stayed at this ex (for a week), who has moved from where she was to about 5km from our house. My child is distraught about this whole thing (I've shielded her from the truth. She obviously sees there's a problem but she doesn't know the whole truth), but what else am I supposed to do? How often must I bear this total disregard to what God has put together?

I lived a pure life B4 marriage; we were intimate only after marriage and this life is something I never envisaged for myself. I thought of leaving forever many times B4 but I felt the Holy Spirit say no. It was quite difficult living like a fool, enduring what the bible clearly said is one reason for divorce, I wrestled with God re: why shouldn’t I divorce when he was so clearly wrong!!

This time my spirit is quite re: divorce. I want out; I don’t see any light @ the end of this tunnel. I don’t want to raise a child who’d think its ok for a daddy to do what my husband is doing. He actually has a nerve being angry with me because I asked him to leave, I don’t understand how a person can lack a sense of right & wrong like this. Please pray for me and my child, for God’s divine strength, wisdom & protection, especially the emotional well-being of my little girl.

I don’t understand how a person can lack a sense of right & wrong like this.

Because they are not connected to Christ. When there is a true conversion of the spirit to surrender to God, there is fruit. Where there is no fruit, there is no change of the spirit to honor Christ.

I believe you have done everything you can to honor your marriage.
Your husband has made the opposite choice. I'm sure it was not easy to ask him to leave. You have to protect yourself for STD's or worse.

It seems like you've done a lot of work toward forgivness in impossible circumstances. Continue to pray and ask for his guidance. If you are having a sense of peace now, perhaps the Spirit is releasing you from this abusive relationship.

I've discussed maintenance of our little girl with my husband. During the last 2 separations my husband never bothered to maintain her. This time I told him he has to do it. He's making a real big issue about it. @ first he ignored me, when I insisted he started playing dirty. He said I asked him to leave the house now why am I calling him? I never called him for anything other than the child's maintenance. We end up entangled in foolish arguments. Is this ever going to end?

My greatest worry is he can retaliate by ignoring the emotional needs of the child. In the past I have seen him stay for weeks on end without seeing our little girl. That used to affect her a lot, she used to cry a lot, especially @ night. She's just under 6 & has just started school. I don't want her school work to be affected by this. She's a very deep thinker, a lot like mommy and I know she hurts quite deeply. Please pray for my child and for my husband to do the right thing as far as the child is concerned. I've decided to do this legally to avoid arguments, he said he'll get a lawyer so he can pay as little as possible. He said my child will have to leave private school cause he's not paying for it. The sad truth is whatever he offered as long as it was reasonable was going to be accepted.

This is so sad.

There is much self-centeredness and the need to get-even taking place, which shows a complete lack of maturity and taking care of the welfare of a child.

It's really sad that things needs to get this ugly.

As much as I believe that my husband should be accountable for his actions, that he should be made to live with the consequences of what he did, I really need to know what to do with my daughter. She's asking a lot of questions. Why is daddy not living with us anymore, "Mommy, why don't you say sorry to daddy so he can come back & live with us". When I asked her what did I do that I have to say sorry she said "OK, let daddy say sorry so he can come back home"!

This is so hard. I don't want to burden her with all the horrible things that my husband did. I want to maintain in her little mind the stature of the daddy she loves. It's very hard!! This morning and last night she asked me to please drop her off at daddy's house to visit, I tried to explain to her that mommy can't come and go @ daddy's house as she wishes. He really hasn't bothered to spend time with her since he left. I'm thinking of getting a child psychologist to help, I don't want to mess up her little mind by saying too much for her to handle or too little that she's confused by the whole situation. She's already confused and I don't want to pass on my issues onto her. Afterall, she's just a child.

Pls pray 4me too. Since I decided this marriage is not God's best 4me, I've been thinking a lot about all he did 2me 4the last 6,5yrs. How he left me & my little girl @ home to go on holidays with girlfriends, how he slept out on several occassions & he'd waltz home the next morning and say hi as if its normal 4a married man to sleep out, how he'd come home @ 3/4am most week-ends. How he neglected to be a father & a husband, how never appreciated that I helped raise a child he had B4 marriage with love, I thought about all his blatant affairs and how he expected me to just accept that.

I thought about all the debts he got me into in my name, how he's now gone & I'm left with all that. I thought of how I kept myself pure for my husband in the hope of having a godly home and raising kids with both mom & dad. Now I'm faced with a kid with an absent dad. To be honest I felt very angry. I wished (just 4a moment) that I'd find a strong person to hold his hands behind him so I could give him a hard, strong smack in the face. I know its wrong, vengeance belong to the Lord. I've asked God to forgive me but thats honestly how I felt in the last few days. I've finished with my January fast yesterday and will be going for a divorce. Please hold me in your prayers.

I'm thinking of getting a child psychologist to help.
She's already confused and I don't want to pass on my issues onto her.

That would be a very wise thing to do. It will help her to realize this was not her fault.

It would also be wise for you to see counseling for yourself. You do not get through a divorce without scars and woundedness. What you want to make sure of is, that you process this and heal so that you do not bring your woundedness with you into another relationship.

It's OK to be angry. But, it's important for you to ask God to take the burden of your anger and hand it over to him so it does not consume you.

Blessed,

I will pray for you and your daughter. Prayer really does work! I have seen God do some amazing things in my own life.

Beyond that, there are also some practical things you need to do. Unfortunately, I speak from experience in the areas of divorce and custody.

First, because of the emotions involved, I suggest that you consult with some trusted friends before making any important decisions regarding finances, custody, housing, etc. You cannot trust yourself to be making the right decision at this point.

Second, let's look at some specific issues:

blessed wrote:I've discussed maintenance of our little girl with my husband. During the last 2 separations my husband never bothered to maintain her. This time I told him he has to do it. He's making a real big issue about it. @ first he ignored me, when I insisted he started playing dirty. He said I asked him to leave the house now why am I calling him? I never called him for anything other than the child's maintenance. We end up entangled in foolish arguments. Is this ever going to end?

In addition to his moral and ethical responsibilities, he has a legal responsibility to support his child, and probably you. You do need to be very firm with your husband. If it comes to divorce, there are many judges who would not look too favorably at your husband's attitude and lack of accountability. I am not a lawyer, and divorce and child support laws vary by state, but in many states the child support amounts are set by law. He will have to pay at least 12 years of support, until your daughter is 18. Typically, he would also have to contribute to medical, dental (e.g., braces) and educational bills. If he does not pay, the court would order it withheld from his wages. His credit rating would also be affected. He would never get a tax refund.

He needs a good, firm dose of reality to smack him in the face so he grows up and accepts his responsibilities.

My greatest worry is he can retaliate by ignoring the emotional needs of the child. In the past I have seen him stay for weeks on end without seeing our little girl. That used to affect her a lot, she used to cry a lot, especially @ night. She's just under 6 & has just started school. I don't want her school work to be affected by this. She's a very deep thinker, a lot like mommy and I know she hurts quite deeply. Please pray for my child and for my husband to do the right thing as far as the child is concerned.

Based on what you have said (which is admittedly one side) I am not sure that he is capable of meeting the emotional needs of your daughter. If he cannot meet basic financial support needs, how can he meet her emotional needs? If he uses affairs to meet his emotional needs, which is immature, irresponsible, and not a Christian way of handling issues, then how can he begin to meet your daughter's emotional needs in a mature and Christian way? I am not saying that you should deny any visitation, but you should proceed very cautiously and get some good counselling.

I suggest that you and your daughter should both get some counselling, individually and together. Also, your daughter's school may very well have support groups for children of separated/divorced parents. It may help her to realize that she is not alone, and that it is not her fault.

I've decided to do this legally to avoid arguments, he said he'll get a lawyer so he can pay as little as possible. He said my child will have to leave private school cause he's not paying for it. The sad truth is whatever he offered as long as it was reasonable was going to be accepted.

You should get a good lawyer. There are many good, ethical divorce lawyers, although the family court system is badly flawed. You want to protect yourself and your daughter as far as custody, financial support, and so on. If you do not feel as if your lawyer is working in your best interests, the fire him/her. I had to do that with my first lawyer.


Finally, I will tell you that my first wife essentially abandoned our two sons in 2000. My younger son was six at the time. It has been difficult, of course, and he has needed counselling (and still does). All things considered, though, he is a great 13 year old today. He has a good relationship with me, my wife (his step-mother), and his new siblings. Most of all, he loves the Lord. This may seem like the end of the world to you now, but God will help you through this.

On Monday I thought to myself O.K. girl the fast is finished you have to move to the next step. History has proven to me that my husband has got no intention of honouring this marriage, divorce is the most logical step for me. I know the pain I had to go thru trying 2preserve this marriage, to no vail. I know without a doubt that this is not where God wants me & my girl to be, in a marriage that dishonours me and more importantly dishonours Him!

Despite this knowledge I woke up with a very painful muscle spasm on my back on Tuesday. Tuesday night it got horribly worse. I thought to myself "woman, you can't be stressing, you did the best you can". I guess it will never be easy dissolving what God built 2last 4ever. Went to the doctor, he said to me its seems like I'm stressing about something. He prescribed medication and referred me to physio. She said massaging my back was like walking on pebble beach. She said she's not going to pry but it seems like the pain is stress related!!

Pls pray for me not to carry this in my own strength, I can't afford to! Pray for me to get a good lawyer so that this whole process is not going to drag unnecessarily. I pray for God's will in this whole process, that His name might be glorified despite all things. Thank so much for your prayers and godly advise to all of you. God bless you and increase you!

I went to see the lawyer today, its time that this ends so my child & I can find a bit of normality despite what happened. When we last spoke my husband said he's not going to contest this, in fact he said he's going to go B4 me (I was fasting & although it was justified I felt it wasn't appropriate to divorce whilst fasting). Obviously he didn't mean it cause he didn't go. As said in the last post I decided to consult with a lawyer today. Thank God that he led me to a good Christian lawyer and I really praise Him for that. I have also found a Christian psychologist for my little girl, she's seeing her next week.

Because he said he won't contest this, I told my lawyer that and that I'd like this to end asap so we can move on with our lives. He said if we agree, after serving papers on Monday, we should arrange to meet and set up agreements which we can take to court on the date given & the divorce can end on the same day. To my surprise when I told my husband what the lawyer said, he was very aggressive! What does he want from me? I'm the one who's been cheated upon, I'm the one left with huge amounts of debt but I'm willing to let go & let God be the ultimate judge. He's just said he's going to contest.

We are married out of community of property with accrual. The truth is both times when I built my houses he was out staying with other women and I have proof of that, (he's had two marriages within our marriage). I know the womens names and I know where they stayed! As I speak he's back with one of them. I didn't think he would be so crude as to try and sell the house his child lives in to wrongfully try to enrich himself, doesn't he have pride in himself? Except for helping with the bond a couple of months after he moved in (its not even for a year, the bank can bring proof exactly when he started and when he stopped!), any money used to fix anything in this house was from the 2nd bond taken. I used that money to pay off his debts so he could removed from the credit bureau, I'm now left to pay off that debt.

Even though I have proof of those payments, I told my lawyer I want nothing but maintenance when he asked me about any debts accrued by him that I'm left with, shouldn't that have been appreciated. He resigned from his job in 2005, got a huge payout from his job and spend all that money with his current girlfriend, should I also lay claim to that money?

How in the world can a person be so cruel? God has put in us a conscience, backslidden or not that still works, doesn't it? He's refusing to pay maintenance because "he's just moved into a house & has expenses which were not planned for", when I tell him so do I he said "so what was I thinking chasing me out of the house". Its like he was holding me ransom, as long as I had lots of debts he felt he could do whatever he wanted with our lives, no more!

I need you to pls pray for our home, for God's divine protection on my assets cause he was not there to accrue anything with me. This house is mine and my child's alone, while I was working hard he was out having a good time with other women. I have suffered enough emotionally and I trust God to be my judge, my lawgiver and my king! Please pray for God's intervention in this situation and for this thing not to be prolonged unnecessarily.

Lay it at the Lord's feet, he will help guide you.

I know it's really hard not to be bitter and angry. By holding on to this how will it benefit you and your child? The answer is - it won't. Be really careful that your decisions are not out of a need to seek revenge or get even with him.

You are entitled to care for you and your daughter and a roof over your heads. After that, decide whether it's worth the battle because the battle can often be over material possessions.

People do things without conscience all the time, Christian or non-Christian. I'm a true believer of the bearing of fruit in our lives. Without evidence of it, I don't believe there ever was a true conversion to Christ.

Babycakes,

I've got no doubt in my mind that my motives are pure. Because he's had a bad name, we've always had to take debts in my name. He'd promise to pay but in the end he'd often leave me in a lurch. My name has often been threatened with being black-listed but by the grace of God I managed to somehow protect my name & start afresh.

If I was fighting or being spiteful, there's lot of things that I could have claimed from the lawyer which he's supposed to pay for but against my lawyer's judgement I chose not to. All I want is a divorce & for him to support our daughter. I don't know if you read all my posts, despite all things, I did consider giving him another chance provided he went with me to go break the relationship with the other woman, he refused and that told me he doesn't want this marriage. I decided to move on after yrs of suffering. If he's honest even he himself will tell you I'm not the vengeful type. If I don't want something, I tell it straight & then its over I hold no grudges.

Despite our differences, I took his son with me to Cape town on holiday and paid for it myself. At the time he was on his own unlawful holiday to Swaziland with only God knows who. God has blessed me with a very compassionate heart, even though I had problems with him I couldn't let the child suffer. So I know deep within my heart that all I want is to be left alone to have as normal a life as possible with my little girl. She doesn't have to loose her home as well as a father. How much should such a little heart be crushed unnecesarily! I'm not motivated by revenge, I'm motivated by love plus the fact that he doesn't deserve what he wants to contest.

If God allows him to have my house sold, I will continue to love & praise Him with all my heart. My salvation will not be moved. I love the Lord my God with all my heart, He's the one who's given me the power to make wealth, if He allows this house to go, I know He's got something greater for me. I will never forget the 1st day I stopped being busy, the very 1st day I moved into this house. It was wow my Lord this is only you, there's no way I could have done this on my own. I also remember the day my husband saw my payslip after a long time. He asked how did I manage to get the bond to build this house with such a small salary, my answer was its God. No material things will move me from my God. He means more to me than anything in this world. No, I can assure you I've got no intention of getting even or seeking revenge, I just hope to be left alone and for things to be done fairly.

Whatever the Lord allows, it is well with my soul.

I read your other posts.

I wasn't saying you are personally full of bitterness and anger, I was saying be watchful and careful. It's hard when you are being so deeply hurt by another individual to not have a sense of "I deserve this" since they have caused you and your child so much pain.

Your motives seem pure and it appears you have the sound advice of a wise Christian attorney.

2 weeks ago I filed for divorce, I explained to my lawyer that my husband was staying with a woman during the time that we were separated. I’ve got a copy of the lease of where he stayed that proves that when I built my house and I was on my own with my child, he was not there. When he came back, asked for forgiveness, we went for counselling and he moved in with me. My family asked me to be cautious, I was asked if I was sure that if I stayed in some shack somewhere, would my husband have come back. I said I can’t be sure but I chose to forgive and forget the past. As you can see from my previous posts he did the same things to me and I’ve finally decided to end this marriage.

My lawyer called me yesterday saying my husband says he wants my house to be sold and share the profits. He wants the house that our child stays in to be sold, to me its wrong. Especially because he was not there when I did all the hard work. Its not about the possessions, it’s the principle. Yes he did help with the bond for eleven months but with nothing else! He even used my credit card for his alcohol & women. I’ve got bank statements showing all my expenses per months and all he helped with was that bond which he would have paid for anywhere he lived. Wherever he was he would have had to pay for accommodation, water & lights, food, a helper, kids, etc. a man is supposed to provide for his family, why does he feel that with me he had to be provided for not the other way round.

I was told to bring all my expenses/debts (& there’s plenty), all the evidence (there’s plenty of videos of him with women, photos with women, leases, affidavits stating he was staying with this other woman during the marriage, etc). The most sickening thing is that he is so angry with me; he’s actually sent an SMS calling me names! That definitely puzzles me, did he hold me so low that he thought it was his right to treat me like trash, that he had a right to cheat on me over & over and I was supposed to take it forever.

What I see coming is a dirty reveal all divorce and I didn’t want that. I told him that since he was not willing to change, all I want is for him to get out of my life and support the child, I was willing to pay for a decent divorce (if there could be such a thing), I said if he wants this mess I’m telling my lawyer to claim for costs which I refused to do when I went to the lawyer the 1st time. Please help me pray for God’s hand in this nonsense. My child is taking quite a strain, she’s going to a psychologist but she’s still battling. For her to be displaced from her home is to me very cruel.

Hold us in your prayers please! Pray for God to touch this man’s heart too, for everything we do, there’s a reward. Looking at what he’s constantly doing I fear for his soul, given the history, I don’t think I’m the only person he’s ever going to do this to. The tears he’s spilling will end up catching up with him and he won’t enjoy that day! Please let us pray for his soul.

I've lifted everyone up in prayer this morning and will continue to do so.

Consult with a banker and your attorney. You may be able to refinance your home and obtain cash out to pay him for whatever portion the attorney feels he is entitled to.

Just remember, he's out to hurt you and get even. Be really careful not to do the same thing. I know it's not intended, but when you are being hurt and attacked, it's hard not to want to attack back.

You can stand on principle all you want, but it's more important to stand on God's word than anything else and let that guide you rather than your own emotions. Because it's hard to think straight right now, it's also important to seek wise Christian counsel on these matters to make sure you continue to seek God's wisdom.

I came across this Devotional this morning through Growthtrac. It seems to fit the situation you are in, so I will share it.

THINK
by Suzanne Benner

"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8).

Recently, the importance of being mindful about even small details in life was re-emphasized, when my Dad asked me "What were you thinking when you did that?"

I had to confess that I wasn't thinking at all; that I simply went ahead without pondering the ramifications of my decision, without weighing the consequences of my actions.

Every decision we make, every action we take moves us closer to God or further from Him. We often spend days agonizing over major decisions, without realizing that the minor and perhaps thoughtless decisions we have made over the past months are what have brought us to the current point of crisis.

In our relationships too, this kind of attentiveness, which could be characterized by being self-controlled and alert, is essential.

Consider the following questions:

Do I take time to contemplate the possible consequences of my actions or consider how my words will be received?

Do I practice self-control by not saying everything that pops into my head in an emotional interaction?

Am I conscious of God's mercy and forgiveness in my own life when I am asked to forgive or need to apologize to someone?

We honor God and take a stand against our enemy who wants to destroy us, when we are self-controlled and alert.

~God, I want to be careful and attentive in all my interactions. Make me watchful and self-controlled that I may please You and bless others through my behavior.

Lord, I pray for this family. That they do not devour and destroy each other. That they can find a common middle ground and that no more hurt will occur. Draw them close to you Lord, and make them mindful of their words and their actions. Hug them Lord - they really need hugs right now.