Help...my husband is not emotional and therefore no intimacy

praise · Newbie Joined: 19 Apr 2005 Posts: 11

I have been married for three years now and we both vowed to be purity until we got married. Our first year was very difficult and it's been a struggle getting my husband to communicate with me. We don't talk much with eachother and our sex life is nonexistent. He has been in counseling with one of our pastors at our church. We've had arguments and long talks...usually because I feel like we are not connected emotionally at all. He doesn't think or feel it's a big issue and told me that he is not an emotional person. However he is very nice and helpful with other people and we are very much involved at our church. I'm on the other hand I'm very emotional and it's a struggle for me because I can't express it towards him as I would like too. Simply because I know he is uncomfortable with it. I have told myself that maybe I don't need to be hugged by him or receive affection from him. I've prayed about it and continue to do so and suggested that we both get counselling together but he is oppose to that. I've been noticing some patterns with him that he would not come to bed with me or would fall asleep on the couch or would come to bed very late maybe around 2:30am and would be up again at 5am to get ready for work. I don't know what to do and I'm a strong believer of God making the impossible possible!. Is there something I could do to help us. I'm not giving up and I have faith in God to see change.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1991 Location: Chicago

I am so sorry for your pain and disconnect with your husband.

I have a very delicate situation to bring to you - have you considered that your husband may be involved in viewing pornography online?? Coming to bed late at night, getting up after you have gone to sleep, and other items you have listed bring some symptoms to the forefront.

Seeing a counselor is an absolute. If he has any desire to make this marriage work, that is a non-negotiable. Please consider finding a Christian counselor, outside your church if it is affordable and start going by yourself.

You're right, God is a God of the impossible and He can restore a hurting/broken marriage. I've been married a very long time and still love to hold hands with my husband and kiss and snuggle with him on the couch and I hope we will still be doing this when we are 80.

I heard a great analogy of marriage being like a garden. You have to water it, you have to pull the weeds when they pop up and you have to replant sometimes. But to make things grow, a garden does not take care of itself - it needs tender loving care.

I have two books to highly recommend that you read together -
Every Heart Restored by Steven Artberburn for you and
Every Man's Marriage also by Steven Arterburn. They have other books in their series such as Every Man's Battle and Every Woman's Battle.

Please know that we care here at GT and will pray for your marriage. Please let us know how things are going.

praise · Newbie Joined: 19 Apr 2005 Posts: 11

Thanks for your quick response SAM, I didn't realize you live you Algonquin, I live there too!

I must say that you have hit the nail on the head. I had suspected he might be involved in pornography because I had come across some movies that he had rented while I was out of town on business. I didn't say anything to him because he gets defensive.
I would love to do counseling with him and he wasn't receptive to that idea at all. Recently he had apologize to me for being short and even distant and I forgave him and he seems to listen to me when if I have something to say.
I'm definitely going to get the books you suggested. Do you have any suggestions on where i could look to find a counselor. I know I don't want to get someone from our church again.

Thanks for your prayers and going to be strong and continue to plant good seeds in my marriage. I will keep you updated.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1991 Location: Chicago

There are several good Christian counselors in the Crystal Lake/Cary area.
Crystal Lake
> Debra Hirschberg (847) 705-3199
> Doug Neal (815) 477-4727
>
> Cary
> Steve Yeschek (847) 516-8449
> Vicki Den exter Blokland (708) 962-0547

Oh, Praise - I would have confronted him the moment I found those movies. Hiding from him, him hiding from you and hiding from God will never build intimacy in a marriage. If you have suspected pornography, then it is probably there. Masturbation can also be an issue with his lack of desire to be intimate with you. At this point, your husband being uncomfortable or becoming defensive is a pretty strong indicator that you have hit a nerve.

You may want to ask as you make calls to see if they cover addictions within marriage. Also, http://www.growthtrac.com/special/counseling/ has some great resources on what you should look for in a counselor.

praise · Newbie Joined: 19 Apr 2005 Posts: 11

Thanks for the references. I don't know but I'm getting nervous trying to figure out how I can bring up in conversation about getting counseling because of past reaction that I've got from him. I want to help him and I know he is not like but he is just being blinded and decieved by the enemy. I have to be strong to do and don't fear what he might say because I don't want to push him away.

Thanks for agreeing in prayer with me.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1991 Location: Chicago

Let him know you are going for counseling for yourself and that you pray in time he will want to join you to strengthen your marriage. People who are given the eyes to see when they are struggling learn that seeking help is a strength for their marriage, those who refuse to see will think it is a weakness.

So, for now, let him know you are going and I pray God will guide you with the rest. Pray very specifically, in great detail to God, that He will give you the words to speak to your husband in love, in guidance, in wisdom and with great care. If your husband reacts with anger again, then a third person, a pastor or a trusted Christian friend needs to be brought into the situation to confront and counsel him. Because, when we see a Christian brother or sister stumbling in sin, we are called to bring it forward.

Please read -Matthew 18:15-17 and Proverbs 28:13.
Proverbs tells us - "He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy."

One thing my husband and I have for our marriage is a Board of Directors. These friends are very dear mature Christians who keep us accountable for our marriage. When we have needed guidance, we go to them, when we have need adjusting they have been strong enough to tell us so. They are invaluable to our relationship and we could not do marriage without them. Do you have people like this is a bible study group, or that you do life with, who you can ask to be your Board?? Of course, you have to be willing to open up your marriage to them.

Do you pray together as a couple? When you speak of your relationships with God, what does that mean to you? Is there a time in your lives where you surrendered everything to Him and asked Christ to be the leader of your lives and the forgiver of your sins? Is God the leader of your husband's life?

When you saw the movies that were rented when you were out of town, why did you feel you could not bring this forward to your husband? If he is not coming to bed with you, getting up in the middle of the night, etc. - is he on the computer? What is he watching on TV? The possible issue of pornography in his life cannot be buried. You've mentioned he gets angry and defensive. You've mentioned that you do not want to approach him with a request to attend counseling again. What scares you?

Avoidance cannot bring healing to your marriage.

praise · Newbie Joined: 19 Apr 2005 Posts: 11

Yes we friends that are mature Christians that keep us accountable in our marriage. However, it seems as if I'm the one keeps bringing up the need to talk with these people or a counselor and therefore I have felt like I just making a big deal out of it. Even his mom not knowing what has been going on has mentioned to me that I have place my husband out there (meaning the time I when to church to get counseling) So I decided that I will not talk to her about anything even when she ask and mentioned to her that if she wants to know anything about our marriage she should ask her son. She didn't like that and doesn't ask my husband anything either.

We have some married couple friends that have held us accountable but we have not necessarily confided with them about everything in our marriage. Only one couple who happens to be a pastor as well is aware of the situation in our marriage and that was who my husband had counseling with. I think the board of directors idea is a good one that I will suggest to my husband.

We pray every morning before he leaves for work as a couple holding hands in agreement. We both pray for our relationship and marriage that it's a kingdom marriage and one the brings glory to God and have asked God to be the head of our marriage and that I will follow my husband as he follows Christ.

Regarding the movies I didn't bring it up to him but I mentioned it to the our pastor friend that was counseling him. I didn't think he will recieve that from me at that time. When he doesn't come to bed he is on falls asleep on the couch watching TV but not sure what exactly he is watching. He is not on the computer but at that time because the computer is in my office which is usually off. He doesn't bring his laptop home from work but I don't look to see what he is doing on it because he wouldn't like that either.

I don't know why I'm scare I guess it might be fear of the unknown. But I'm going to do this. I'm actually fasting and just seeking God earnestly.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1991 Location: Chicago

That was a very good boundary to set up with your mother-in-law. Actually, it is good that your husband does not talk with her about your marriage either.

We may have these good people around us, but it is important to share
everything with them, including our dirty laundry. It means being truthful and open in everything, not just the pleasantries and the happy smile faces we want to show. They serve no purpose in our Christian lives and marriages if we don't tell them whole truth and nothing but the truth.

It is a big deal when there is a lack of physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy in a marriage. So, you are not making a big deal out of nothing.
If you ask most men, they would love to be physically intimate with their wives several times a week. If you are the one to initiate physical intimacy more often than not and are frequently turned down, then there is a problem that needs to be worked through.

I'm sorry I didn't really catch what your pastor friend said about the movies. Thing is, this issue can be passed over by the clergy as "its just something men do", because they struggle with this issue themselves. That is why outside Christian counseling is so important.

I will continue to pray for you, but I also want to challenge you to move out of your comfort zone even if this creates conflict between you and your husband. There is a reason behind his anger and defensiveness and you need to work together to get to the bottom of it.

Keep praying together - that is a wonderful thing. Pray for more openess and honesty between you. Pray for healing, pray for a connection to God, pray for wisdom and discernment, pray for guidance for counseling together.

praise · Newbie Joined: 19 Apr 2005 Posts: 11

Hi SAM
Just to give you heads up. My husband is willing to do counseling. I have called all four names you suggested. I not got return calls back yet.

Are these people that you had some good response back from other people. Do you have others names that you know.

Thanks so much for your help and prayers.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1991 Location: Chicago

Those are the only names that I have for our area and have heard positive things about them. Keep trying.

I'm glad to hear that this is something your husband has agreed to. I feel like that is an answer to prayer.

praise · Newbie Joined: 19 Apr 2005 Posts: 11

Yes it is an answer to prayer.
I was able to get returned calls late yesterday and I waiting to hear from the other two.

Thanks

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1991 Location: Chicago

Yeah God!

praise · Newbie Joined: 19 Apr 2005 Posts: 11

Well we are going to start counseling next week which I'm very excited about. God showed himself strong in my marriage and I think was a breakthrough in our communication and my husband opened up to me about being sexually molested by a family member on his mom side when he was a young boy and even his parent are not aware about that.

This I think has formed his wrong perception of oneness. love and sex in marriage. I think that we need to let his parent know about this because his younger sister frequently visits this family and I think that she needs to be protected from them until healing occurs. However, my husband doesn't think we need to inform his parent because it will be very devasting on the whole family and wants to hold off on it for now.

I understand where he is coming from and on the other hand I think that we owe it to the little ones in the family that are innocent to this and may be in a similar position where they feel like they cannot tell anyone.
What are your thoughts.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1991 Location: Chicago

Yeah, God. I am so grateful for this breakthrough. I know it will bring much healing to your marriage.

As for the other issue - if there is any chance at all that another child could be abused, your husband has to come forward no matter how painful this may be for others or to himself. He is protecting the abuser by keeping silent and that is exactly what the abuser has intended to happen for all of these years. It may bring initial pain to him or his family, but a great deal of healing will occur in your husband with the reveal of his abuser.

I lift your family, your husband, you and your marriage up in prayer. I ask God to provide guidance, wisdom and discernment to you both in this painful situation. I pray that healing, wholeness and oneness will occur and that you will have a marriage that is one God always intended for you both.

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