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Byrne
Newbie
Joined: 07 Dec 2006
Posts: 2
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 Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 7:46 am Post subject: Help for a broken heart |
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Hi.
I am a first time user of Growthtrac. And I've turned to this medium in search of help and direction. I discovered, five months ago today, that my wife had an affair with my best friend in 2000....after 19 years of marriage. The affair was short lived, but it happened. We were, I thought, a strong Christian couple. My friend and his wife were the same. I learned of the affair when I discovered numerous emails in my wife's email account that had been left open (the affair ended, but the email and telephone contact re-commenced in 2004). Because of my Christian beliefs and values, I want, strongly, to forgive my wife and move on with our marriage....I've told her I've forgiven her. I dearly love my wife, and I believe she loves me. She is greived by her actions and is deeply remorseful for all the hurt she has caused. We are together. We express our love to each other each day. We pray together and have a daily devotional. But I'm struggling with moving on. The feelings of hurt and betrayal are just so intense! I have *so* many questions for which I know I'll never have answers. My self esteem and self worth are in my boots.
Has anyone experienced something similar? Is there any magical answer to help me move past the heartache? |
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RBrownTN
Junior Member
Joined: 04 Nov 2005
Posts: 44
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| Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 8:06 am Post subject: Re: Help for a broken heart |
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| Byrne wrote: | | Has anyone experienced something similar? Is there any magical answer to help me move past the heartache? |
Sadly, I have been where you are. Equally as sad, there is no magical answer - but a simple one. God's love.
I know the pain you are going through. My wife's affair has been absolutely devastating to me - BUT there is hope and a lesson. I'm still working on recovery and not yet reached a stable relationship of yet, but I would very highly recommend you both seek counseling for this. My wife and I tried to do it alone and it made things worse since we needed that 3rd party to guide us along the way.
There are an abundant amount of books out there as well that can help you understand the emotions you are going through.
I wish I could say the road you are on is going to be smooth and easy. The intense feelings of betrayal like you mentioned are just so overwhelming. This is where a good Christian counselor can help you deal with these emotions rather than be tormented by them.
I'll pray for you brother. Just keep your faith in God to carry you through this.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding - Proverbs 3:5 |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1989
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 8:24 am Post subject: |
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Welcome and we're glad you've found GT.
I agree - Christian counseling is the only way to get through this. Can't stuff it and hope all these feelings go away. Your wife's remorse gives you a picture of her heart and wanting to heal your marriage. Do the work that it takes to restore it - you won't regret it. It will make your marriage stronger. |
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Byrne
Newbie
Joined: 07 Dec 2006
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 8:29 am Post subject: |
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Good morning.
Thank you both for your words of advice and understanding. I live in a relatively small community (21,000) and we do not have the luxury of a Christian counselor in our area, hence, my decision to post with Growthtrac...this is really out of character for me. But, just speaking with someone/others who have had a similar experience, that things do get better, is what I need to hear. Books to read? Discussions to have? Discussions to avoid? And, Sam, you are right about the condition of my wife's heart. We both want to heal and move on.
Thanks. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1989
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 8:56 am Post subject: |
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There is always a way to find counseling assistance. I can't encourage you enough on this issue.
Many county offices/non-profits offer assistance. Your pastor may even have someone he/she can recommend. Do the research and the footwork to get the help you need.
You cannot self-help (which is an oxymoron, BTW  ) this issue with books or advice on the boards. It may help some, but it will never help you tackle the root of the issues that got you to this place in your marriage. You have to dig deeper and work harder with the help of a professional, even if you have to drive an hour away for counseling.
It's impossible - been there, tried to do that. It didn't work. |
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RBrownTN
Junior Member
Joined: 04 Nov 2005
Posts: 44
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| Posted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 11:33 am Post subject: |
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| SAM wrote: | You cannot self-help (which is an oxymoron, BTW ) this issue with books or advice on the boards. It may help some, but it will never help you tackle the root of the issues that got you to this place in your marriage. You have to dig deeper and work harder with the help of a professional, even if you have to drive an hour away for counseling.
It's impossible - been there, tried to do that. It didn't work. |
I can't agree more with Sam - I too live in a small town and we also tried self-help and books. After a year (my story here), it did more damage than good. To the point that we are worse off now than ever. PLEASE do not make the same mistake we did. We are finally seeing a counselor several towns away even though my wife tells me its too little too late.
Had we gone to see a counselor right away, we could have avoided a year of more damage. I never got ahold of my emotions and it only pushed her away further.
Whatever the drive - you need to decide if your wife is worth it. I have to believe she is - since you decided that she was worthy enough of a lifelong commitment through marriage. This is going to take a lot of hard work. There is no short cut. I know how you feel. Seeking professional help to guide you through the range of emotions is essential. I only regret not doing it a year ago.
Above all, remember God is always with you. At times, my faith has been tested, but I finally realized that God does not make mistakes. He will make you stronger - just have faith in Him. |
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rdsmith3
Veteran
Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 332
Location: NJ
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| Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 9:17 am Post subject: |
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Last December, my wife and I drove about 400 miles round trip to see a particular Christian counsellor. She was pregnant at the time. We hit some bad traffic due to an accident.
It was well worth the trip. We received some extremely helpful insights and advice to put into practice. |
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